May 21, 2013 Things I've Learned You've got to keep some people's numbers in your phone just so you know not to answer when they call. Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 20, 2013 Things I've Learned I don't normally keep an eye on the stock market, but I heard it's been up for four weeks now. Shouldn't we be consulting a doctor? Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 17, 2013 Things I've Learned I was just reading about a guy in Poland whose "friends" turned a Port-a-John upside down while he was using it. That made me think of summer. There are several specific things that must occur to make summer official in my world and one of them is using a Port-a-John for the first time. That will happen the week after next at the Wild Rib Cook-off and Music Festival in Perry Square. The Boston Store is only a block away and I could use the restroom at work, but I'll make sure to jump into a claustrophobic blue poo closet. It's tradition! Plus, I feel safe because I don't have that many friends. Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 15, 2013 Things I've Learned The worst part of being friends with a radio announcer is that if we're walking along and go under a bridge, you can't hear me talk. Then again, maybe that's the best part. Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 13, 2013 Things I've Learned Never make a badminton joke using the word shuttlecock unless you know the woman you're talking to realizes that is the proper word for the bird or birdie that is being hit back and forth. I learned that the hard way. Talk about awkward silence. Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 10, 2013 Things I've Learned Lifelong bachelors see the world with much more clarity than the rest of you. You may think "Dry Clean Only" means to take that garment to a dry cleaners. What it means is "This Garment Will Never Be Cleaned." Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 9, 2013 Things I've Learned A 26-year old high school English teacher in Florida is in the news after being fired because she made extra money modeling bikinis on the side. She says she did nothing wrong noting, "I don't make pornography. I take swimsuit glamour style photography." I understand what she's going through. I've never modeled but I have been told to not to wear a bathing suit in public...ever. Actually, I've been told that in private, too. Don't hate us because we're beautiful. Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 8, 2013 Things I've Learned Somersaults. That's how I roll. Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 7, 2013 Things I've Learned I was out walking on the Peninsula yesterday and saw all the dead fish that have been a bit of a problem in the bay this year. As I recall from the news stories a couple of weeks ago it was a natural die-off but involved a lot of a certain type of fish. Anyway, the sight and smell reminded me of the Sweet Baby Budge. Budgie was a beautiful all-white Shepard/Malamute mix I had 20-some years ago and she loved being down on the beach out at Warvel State Park. Specifically, she loved rolling on and eating the dead fish she would discover. Not any old dead fish, mind you. They had to be somewhere between gushy and crunchy. I could wash most of the smell out of her fur, but her breath was another story. If I ever have to design the perfect alarm clock, I'd base it on the Budgie method. I guess it would have to involve robotics because Budge would wake me up the next morning by standing over me on my bed and panting into my face from approximately four inches away. She'd literally straddle me and her weight on the covers would have me pinned and it was a struggle to get an arm out and push her off. There is no way to sleep through that. If you don't believe me, get your significant other to eat a dead fish, then pin you in bed tomorrow morning while heavily breathing dead fish stench up your nose. Or, you could wait for my new alarm clock to get manufactured and distributed. Man, I'm gonna be rich! Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 6, 2013 Things I've Learned Wow, it's only Monday and already I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do next weekend. Oh alright...it used to be like that. Now I'm ashamed that I don't have anything to be ashamed about. It's like I just quit trying. Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 3, 2013 Things I've Learned Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. Come to think of it, the same goes for playing peek-a-boo with a young child in the airplane seat in front of you. Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 2, 2013 Things I've Learned Everything is relative, huh? I just read that the very first police car in the U.S., introduced in Akron, Ohio in 1899, had a top speed of 16 miles per hour. That reminded me of a conversation I had last week with a guy who asked me how fast I had ever gone on my motorcycle. I said, "Gee, I don't know...80...85?" He was surprised and apparently disappointed by that, apparently because my bike is 1800cc's. That's a pretty big engine for a motorcycle, or as I like to call it...stupid. There are cars that get better mileage than my bike. I explained that I'm a very conservative rider which sheds some light on how I've done it this long without having a serious accident. It's also why I get angry when I hear ignorant statements like, "he must have been speeding, he came out of nowhere...all bikers ride like idiots." Anyway, that wasn't good enough for this guy so he asked what the speedometer went up to. I was surprised to realize I couldn't answer that. I said, "Gee, I don't know...120...130?" Turns out it goes up to 150 but that needle is never gonna reach that spot. Call me a wimp but it's enough for me to just know that I could easily go 5 times as fast as that police car! Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM

May 1, 2013 Things I've Learned "It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." Abraham Lincoln Always trust a man with a beard. Really ladies. It's a Santa thing. Posted by Warvel at 9:00 AM