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Things I've Learned

2013-05-22T16:00:00Z

There are few things worse than leaving your house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. Kind of like that day back in Corning when I was showing the Penthouse Pet of the Decade around town and didn't run into a single guy I knew. This emphasizes just how important it is that we have cameras in our phones now. I really could have used some proof that day.

Things I've Learned

2013-05-21T16:00:00Z

You've got to keep some people's numbers in your phone just so you know not to answer when they call.

Things I've Learned

2013-05-20T16:00:00Z

I don't normally keep an eye on the stock market, but I heard it's been up for four weeks now. Shouldn't we be consulting a doctor?

Things I've Learned

2013-05-17T16:00:00Z

I was just reading about a guy in Poland whose "friends" turned a Port-a-John upside down while he was using it. That made me think of summer. There are several specific things that must occur to make summer official in my world and one of them is using a Port-a-John for the first time. That will happen the week after next at the Wild Rib Cook-off and Music Festival in Perry Square. The Boston Store is only a block away and I could use the restroom at work, but I'll make sure to jump into a claustrophobic blue poo closet. It's tradition! Plus, I feel safe because I don't have that many friends.

Things I've Learned

2013-05-15T16:00:00Z

The worst part of being friends with a radio announcer is that if we're walking along and go under a bridge, you can't hear me talk. Then again, maybe that's the best part.

Things I've Learned

2013-05-13T16:00:00Z

Never make a badminton joke using the word shuttlecock unless you know the woman you're talking to realizes that is the proper word for the bird or birdie that is being hit back and forth. I learned that the hard way. Talk about awkward silence.

Things I've Learned

2013-05-10T16:00:00Z

Lifelong bachelors see the world with much more clarity than the rest of you. You may think "Dry Clean Only" means to take that garment to a dry cleaners. What it means is "This Garment Will Never Be Cleaned."

Things I've Learned

2013-05-09T16:00:00Z

A 26-year old high school English teacher in Florida is in the news after being fired because she made extra money modeling bikinis on the side. She says she did nothing wrong noting, "I don't make pornography. I take swimsuit glamour style photography." I understand what she's going through. I've never modeled but I have been told to not to wear a bathing suit in public...ever. Actually, I've been told that in private, too. Don't hate us because we're beautiful.

Things I've Learned

2013-05-08T16:00:00Z

Somersaults. That's how I roll.

Things I've Learned

2013-05-07T16:00:00Z

I was out walking on the Peninsula yesterday and saw all the dead fish that have been a bit of a problem in the bay this year. As I recall from the news stories a couple of weeks ago it was a natural die-off but involved a lot of a certain type of fish. Anyway, the sight and smell reminded me of the Sweet Baby Budge. Budgie was a beautiful all-white Shepard/Malamute mix I had 20-some years ago and she loved being down on the beach out at Warvel State Park. Specifically, she loved rolling on and eating the dead fish she would discover. Not any old dead fish, mind you. They had to be somewhere between gushy and crunchy. I could wash most of the smell out of her fur, but her breath was another story. If I ever have to design the perfect alarm clock, I'd base it on the Budgie method. I guess it would have to involve robotics because Budge would wake me up the next morning by standing over me on my bed and panting into my face from approximately four inches away. She'd literally straddle me and her weight on the covers would have me pinned and it was a struggle to get an arm out and push her off. There is no way to sleep through that. If you don't believe me, get your significant other to eat a dead fish, then pin you in bed tomorrow morning while heavily breathing dead fish stench up your nose. Or, you could wait for my new alarm clock to get manufactured and distributed. Man, I'm gonna be rich!

Things I've Learned

2013-05-06T16:00:00Z

Wow, it's only Monday and already I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do next weekend. Oh alright...it used to be like that. Now I'm ashamed that I don't have anything to be ashamed about. It's like I just quit trying.

Things I've Learned

2013-05-03T16:00:00Z

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. Come to think of it, the same goes for playing peek-a-boo with a young child in the airplane seat in front of you.

Things I've Learned

2013-05-02T16:00:00Z

Everything is relative, huh? I just read that the very first police car in the U.S., introduced in Akron, Ohio in 1899, had a top speed of 16 miles per hour. That reminded me of a conversation I had last week with a guy who asked me how fast I had ever gone on my motorcycle. I said, "Gee, I don't know...80...85?" He was surprised and apparently disappointed by that, apparently because my bike is 1800cc's. That's a pretty big engine for a motorcycle, or as I like to call it...stupid. There are cars that get better mileage than my bike. I explained that I'm a very conservative rider which sheds some light on how I've done it this long without having a serious accident. It's also why I get angry when I hear ignorant statements like, "he must have been speeding, he came out of nowhere...all bikers ride like idiots." Anyway, that wasn't good enough for this guy so he asked what the speedometer went up to. I was surprised to realize I couldn't answer that. I said, "Gee, I don't know...120...130?" Turns out it goes up to 150 but that needle is never gonna reach that spot. Call me a wimp but it's enough for me to just know that I could easily go 5 times as fast as that police car!

Things I've Learned

2013-05-01T16:00:00Z

"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
Abraham Lincoln

Always trust a man with a beard. Really ladies. It's a Santa thing.

Things I've Learned

2013-04-30T16:00:00Z

Have you ever noticed how many idiots there are in the world who can't stop random, stupid thoughts from becoming words? Last evening on my way home I stopped at the place where I keep my big screen TV and a woman came in shortly after to order some food to go. She was a little thing with pure white hair and a very wrinkled face but sharp, piercing eyes. We chatted a little as she waited for her food and it impressed me that she was still working hard farming 12 acres of land. Somehow we got on the subject of the economy and she said what we're dealing with now is nothing. She told me, "I'm older than I look." The catty part of me was thinking, "Gee, I doubt that," but I stopped that thought. See...wasn't that easy? Then she mentioned that she was 90 and how the Great Depression was a "real" depression. Remember that one...1929? Me either but she does. When she left all the other guys in there started making wise cracks and jokes and I got a little angry that our society treats the elderly that way instead of with respect for all they've experienced. I was feeling pretty superior to the other guys until I got bucked off my high horse for keeping an eye on her driving as she left. (She had parked at an angle across two parking spaces right next to my Jeep.) Hey, she could have hit the accelerator instead of the brake...you know, the way old people do. Aaaugh! I didn't mean that! I meant the way women do. Oh! Ooh, no...I meant you can't see through wrinkles. No, that's not it. I think I just parked in the wrong spot. I'm stopping now.

Things I've Learned

2013-04-29T16:00:00Z

I just noticed that country singer Willie Nelson is turning 80 tomorrow. That reminded me of the importance of a first date. Sometimes Jessica and I talk about how to make the right first impression on a first date, but we don't often talk about using a first date as a litmus test to judge the person you're taking out. For instance, on our first date I took a former girlfriend on my Honda to a Harley rally at Conneaut Lake Park to hear Willie Nelson sing. We about froze to death on the way home and when she agreed to a second date I knew she was a keeper. She's happily married now. Another former girlfriend agreed to a second date after I first took her, on my Honda, to visit the pet cemetery off Sterrettania Road. She turned out to be crazy. Or maybe it's me. See what I mean? Me either. So, uh,...happy birthday Willie.

Things I've Learned

2013-04-26T16:00:00Z

Don't buy an iPad from that guy in the parking ramp. Sure, they're a little less expensive but they're really hard to login on and about the only thing you can do is draw stairs. Plus, someone was telling me the ones from a company named Apple are better than the ones made by Etch-a-Sketch.

Things I've Learned

2013-04-25T16:00:00Z

Did you see where United Airlines is now charging you $200 if you change or cancel a reservation? Does that mean they'll pay you $200 every time they bump you off a flight? That would be fair. I said fair. It means...oh, never mind.

Things I've Learned

2013-04-22T16:00:00Z

Some Earth Day stuff from "Good Housekeeping."

- Although they cost more, compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs) that are Energy Star qualified use about 75% less electricity and last up to 10 times longer than traditional incandescent.
- CFL bulbs work best in rooms where they'll be left on for at least 15 minutes.
- So CFLs are the most energy-efficient option, right? Wrong. LEDs are. Now available as direct replacement bulbs, they can use about half the energy that CFLs do and last about 4 times as long...in some case, 25 years!
- And finally, "Good Housekeeping" says teenage boys are depleting the earth's water. Well, actually they say for every 10 minutes you shower, you may be using up to 25 gallons of water.

Things I've Learned

2013-04-19T16:00:00Z

Advice for the weekend: Never brood in a dance club. Never dance in a dive. And never ever, ever dance in a place that's more restaurant than anything else while your son is working in the kitchen. Don't ask me how I know. And don't ask him. He's still traumatized.

Things I've Learned

2013-04-16T16:00:00Z

You've got to love Steven Wright:

"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night?"
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

Things I've Learned

2013-04-15T16:00:00Z

Funny, isn't it? When you're a child you feel like you're never allowed to do what you want to, but it's really not until you're an adult that you truly feel all of life's constrictions. That's one of the things I tried to instill in my son as he entered adulthood. A responsible adult often has to sacrifice personal desires to meet his obligations. Today, for instance...the first spring like day, may make a child impulsively run outside with unbridled joy and play with reckless abandon, but a grown up can't just drop

Things I've Learned

2013-04-10T16:00:00Z

Here's some good advice from Lily Tomlin: "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

Things I've Learned

2013-04-08T16:00:00Z

I have never claimed to understand everything...for instance, women. Every once in a while I start to think I have a handle on them but something always sends me back to square one. Why do they seem perpetually ticked off at men? Why aren't men ever good enough for them? Golfers have also confused me. What makes them tick? Why do they do it? It all came together Saturday evening. I was out puttin' around on my bike and had stopped to do some whistle wetting. A nearby fellow was telling his buddy how he was dealing with a golf partner who always wanted to bet. He said, "I told him to put up or shut up. The first 9 are for our homes. The second are for our women." Apparently he had put some thought into this because at that point he paused and then said, "I'm gonna lose the back 9 on purpose." I still don't understand golfers, but they can be amusing. Women still seem to be ticked off.

Things I've Learned

2013-04-04T16:00:00Z

The Erie Seawolves home opener is tonight and I'll be there with the Star 104 Street Squad. Thank god I don't have to throw out the first pitch. I did that years ago at the old Ainsworth Field and the ball hit the backstop a good 15 feet above the catcher's head. I can still hear the booing. Memories, huh?

Things I've Learned

2013-04-02T16:00:00Z

It was on this day in 1827 that lead pencils were manufactured for the first time. Do you think the workers began chanting, "We're number two, hey! We're number two." I would have. Say, if you worked at the sewage treatment plant, do you think... Never mind.

Things I've Learned

2013-04-01T16:00:00Z

So you have some artificial grass left over from your Easter basket. I saw a list of suggestions on ways to reuse it instead of throwing it away so in the interest of being environmentally correct, do one of these:

- Use it to patch that hole in the lawn.
- Use it as chest hair for the St. Patrick's Day sequel of "Austin Powers."
- Or, my favorite, use it for a wig when you dress up like Nicki Minaj.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-29T16:00:00Z

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if someone says they love something and you never get the urge to say, "Why don't you marry it?" Or, as my son and Jessica and pretty much everyone else I know says..."That's stupid."

Things I've Learned

2013-03-28T16:00:00Z

I know it's a touchy subject and I don't pretend to think others really care how I feel about it. It doesn't affect me directly. I certainly don't have the education, background or wisdom of a Supreme Court justice nor do I have the passion or strongly held beliefs of a religious person. Still, I feel compelled to go on record as saying I fully support ANY couple's right to have a 50% chance of getting divorced.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-27T16:00:00Z

It's weird, but I don't remember being absent-minded.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-26T16:00:00Z

If you're betting on college basketball and not doing so well, hey...who wanted to go to the Sweet 16 anyway? Tell people you're trying to cut down on sugary brackets.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-25T16:00:00Z

I happened to stop at a place over the weekend where there was a sweet 16 birthday party going on. It sounded like they were having a blast with a DJ and everything. It took me back to my 16th birthday. I don't remember if there was a party but I'll always remember swinging my leg over my 100cc Honda street legal dirt bike and heading down the highway...in the middle of November. To this day I still turn 16 when I'm out for my first chilly ride of the season. I feel bad for anyone who doesn't have something that turns them 16 again...although I could do without the zits at this point...and my voice changing.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-21T16:00:00Z

Is it just me or are you having trouble keeping up with all the new TV shows? I haven't seen it yet but the new series "Bates Motel" is getting great ratings for the A & E network. Plus I've read that the Bates Motel is a great vacation destination for people too afraid to take a Carnival Cruise.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-20T16:00:00Z

I'd make a terrible pessimist.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-19T16:00:00Z

Money doesn't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (From what I've heard.)

Things I've Learned

2013-03-18T16:00:00Z

Did you ever have someone hand you a pudding shot in a small plastic container on St. Patrick's Day and you had to call your own phone to leave yourself a message so you wouldn't forget it was in your inside vest pocket and find it days or weeks later? Uh, me either.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-15T16:00:00Z

There are a lot of reasons I love Erie but I think one of the biggest is the sense of belonging...and all the smiling. I got a dose of that today when I delivered lunch to some winners at the Blair Call Center as part of our Office Invasion. When I got there the receptionist called back to let them know and then she smiled and said, "Do you remember me?" I've gotta admit, that question makes me a little nervous because I have the memory of a gnat and I don't want to make anyone feel bad. So I hedged..."Uh, you look familiar (she did) but I can't remember your name." She said, "I'm Tracy and Lacy's sister...I used to babysit Levi." Whew. I did remember, although it made me feel old because last time I saw her she was still a little girl. Then the winner came out and he smiled and said, "I know Levi. I went to Fort LeBoeuf with him." It was like a big 'ol reunion. You feel like you belong. On the other hand, there was that time last summer at Waldameer when three 14-ish girls planted themselves in front of me and just stood there nervously bouncing up and down with weird, "I know something you don't" smiles on their faces. Finally one of them blurted out, "You used to date her mom!" That definitely makes you nervous. Who was her mom? Was I going to remember? Well I did remember and then I was standing there with a weird smile on my face. I love Erie.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-12T16:00:00Z

It's Brain Awareness Week. Sure, you knew that...March 11 through the 17th. I'm not sure exactly what purpose Brain Awareness Week serves, but I do know the fastest way to be aware of it is to eat a bunch of ice cream very quickly. Or, ride your motorcycle while temperatures are in the 30's. Same thing.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-11T16:00:00Z

I'm a bit miffed with Jessica for wasting a good part of my day today and quite possibly killing some of my remaining brain cells. Off air this morning she used the phrase "kit and kaboodle." At least that's how it was spelled in my head. I've heard the phrase before but had no idea what a kaboodle was and that started to weigh heavily on my mind because I'm a deep thinker when it doesn't matter. I went so far as to look it up in my Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary. (FYI, boys and girls...that's a book we used to use to look up definitions and check spelling and...what? A book. That's an old way of reading that had pages made of paper and...uh, never mind.) Anyway, the listings went straight from kabob to Kabuki. (FYI, that's a traditional Japanese popular drama with singing and dancing.) So I started typing this and that's when my computer said, Craig...you're an idiot. Okay, it didn't actually say that but it changed my spelling from kaboodle to caboodle. That IS listed in my dictionary and means collection or lot. So now we all know. Of course, the kit in kit and caboodle is referring to the Pontiac Trans Am in the TV show Knight Rider, which starred one of the greatest actors of all time...the one and only David Hasselhoff...but you didn't need me to tell you that.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-08T17:00:00Z

Some friendly weekend advice: Anyone on stage is fifty percent better looking than they actually are...and they're not looking at you. If they're under lights, they can't even see you.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-05T17:00:00Z

I'm starting to wonder if I'm prejudiced. I never thought I was but I do like to point out reasons why it's good to live in Erie. There is plenty of positive aspects right here but it's especially fun to look at what we would consider negative things elsewhere that we just don't have to deal with. That came to mind last week as we chatted with Trapper Joe and Trigger Tommy (or whatever their TV names are) from the show "Swamp People." They hunt alligators for a living. Sure, they may not be too crazy about the cold and white out blizzards we sometimes have, but I think it's better to live in a place where you don't have things in your water that can eat you. When you're cold you can put more clothes on. When a prehistoric beast is ripping you apart, I'm not sure what you can do. Maybe it's just me.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-04T17:00:00Z

I need to go home and take a nap. I was just sitting here in front of my computer trying to think of something to share with you today and I realized I was vegging out a bit. I know that because my screen saver is a picture of a tiny island with three palm trees in the middle of a beautiful blue ocean...a sailboat nearby and some white, puffy clouds in the sky. I've looked at it a million times but all of a sudden it appeared that the clouds looked a lot like a guy punching a puppy. Maybe I don't need a nap. Perhaps I need counseling.

Things I've Learned

2013-03-01T17:00:00Z

Advice for the weekend: If you're in a public place, never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row. Actually, that should be a law. I'm just sayin...

Things I've Learned

2013-02-28T17:00:00Z

Guinness has announced that Misao Okawa of Japan, who turns 115 next week, is now the oldest woman alive. It's not a title you want. It has some sort of curse. Do the research. How do you explain every single one of them dying?

Things I've Learned

2013-02-27T17:00:00Z

Your mom was only partially right. Remember how she was a big fan of wearing clean underwear? What she didn't tell you was to avoid tighty-whities. There's some closed circuit TV footage getting a lot of views on line right now from a hotel where some guy accidentally locked himself out of his room naked. He ends up taking an elevator down to the lobby to get a new key for his room, and in the process, alarms a number of the other guests or employees. I have a good idea just how embarrassing that could be. I had locked myself out of my room in an old inn near the Fort Drum Army base in upstate N.Y., wearing nothing but tighty-whities. Apparently I'm scarier in those than this guy was completely naked because the first woman I ran into that morning screamed. The woman he ran into in the elevator just kept her head down and left. Moms, tell your boys to wear boxers or nothing at all.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-25T17:00:00Z

Now that Daniel Day-Lewis has won his 3rd best actor Oscar for portraying Abraham Lincoln, it has been suggested that a 3 day holiday be established to mark the occasion. I'm down with that, but to be fair, I think it should be for everyone EXCEPT those in banking, the postal service, Pennsylvania State Stores and anyone else who actually got a three day holiday last weekend. Anyone with me on that?

Things I've Learned

2013-02-21T17:00:00Z

My favorite quote of the day...from Skip Tucker: "I once knew a woman who thought she'd found the best desert nomad in the world...until she met a Bedouin."

Things I've Learned

2013-02-20T17:00:00Z

The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. The same holds true for rules. And potholes. And politicians. And idiots. And people who don't agree with me. Oh wait, that's redundant. And thoughts in my head right now.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-19T17:00:00Z

President Obama has hinted that his daughter Malia has already been out on some dates. Whoever that boy is, he's more of a man than I'll ever be. I mean, when you're in high school, just about any father is intimidating but when he has highly trained killers at his beck and call, that's a whole different ball game. I still remember my high school sweetheart, Molly's, dad. That man did not like me one bit. He was big...shaved his head...owned his own construction company. When I was visiting her at home the rest of the family would all go upstairs to bed, one by one and he would always be the last. He'd walk by us and say, "Not too long, Molly," but would be staring at me. The last time I saw him was years after high school at her wedding when unbeknownst to us, everyone at the reception was looking for the missing bride. She wasn't missing. She was outside on the deck of the ski resort talking to me. (That's another story.) Anyway, the fear that man instilled in me in high school was still there and he brought it up quickly that day. Maybe that's why I never got married. I associate weddings with terror. Now that I think about it, I was once knocked on my can by a secret service agent and that wasn't nearly as scary as Molly's dad. Maybe this kid should be more intimidated by Malia's mom. Michele looks like she could put the hurt on any boy who doesn't treat her daughter well without anyone else's help.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-18T17:00:00Z

There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I haven't erased it, but I am near sighted.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-15T17:00:00Z

Did you hear about the guy who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh? No pun in ten did.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-14T17:00:00Z

This time of year always gets me reflecting on past loves. Just the other day I was reading about some celebrities who got engaged and how the guy had mailed the ring to her. That made me think fondly of my first ex-fiance until I realized the article made that seem like a bad thing. Go figure. Then I started thinking about my last ex-fiance and I was feeling pretty good about not mailing her ring to her, but then I remembered how she moved into my spare bed room because of my snoring. I didn't realize how bad it was until a few months ago when it started waking me up. I'm thinking perhaps we all end up where we're supposed to be.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-13T17:00:00Z

I'm not a religious person but I'm intrigued by the concept of giving things up for Lent. I read where someone described it as an opportunity to reset your clock each year. That seems like a good thing so this year for Lent I've decided to give up trying to remember why I walked into this room.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-12T17:00:00Z

Not to brag, but maybe the world would be a better place to live if everyone was just a little bit more like me and recycled. I wore this shirt yesterday.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-11T17:00:00Z

I'm feeling patriotic today. One of the great things about America is that, when need be...for the greater good...we've done what we know is right, rather than what we're told to do. When an oppressor says this is allowed but that isn't, the real patriots follow their hearts. Perhaps the best example was this year's Grammy awards. Bless you Katy Perry.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-07T17:00:00Z

My mother loved children. She would have given anything if I had been one.

(Okay. I didn't come up with that. Some guy named Groucho Marx did.)

Things I've Learned

2013-02-06T17:00:00Z

I saw a guy driving on West 12th street a couple of days ago. He was in his late teens or early 20's and I noticed him because he was driving slowly in the passing lane. I pulled up next to him and saw he was giving all his attention to the message he was texting and none to everyone else on the road with him. I even beeped my truck's horn so I could give him the universally understood, "you're an idiot and here's what I think of you" sign but he didn't even notice that. He certainly did not notice the four cars backed up behind him because he was driving well under the posted speed limit. I have no doubt he was one of the many people who maintain that they can "multi-task and texting and driving isn't distracting." It reminded me of an old saying: "Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn't.
Stupid enough to do it anyway."

Things I've Learned

2013-02-04T17:00:00Z

Call me a dreamer, but I truly believe that soon we will live in a better world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.

Things I've Learned

2013-02-01T17:00:00Z

If you're dancin' with your honey
And your nose gets kinda runny,
Don't you think it's funny
'Cuz it'snot.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-30T17:00:00Z

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-29T17:00:00Z

People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Some of them will pretend to listen to you if you're dumb enough to engage them in that conversation but if you check out their face you'll notice a weird little smirk that belies their smugness that you're a primitive creature incapable of rising to the task of accepting everything they believe as gospel.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-28T17:00:00Z

Women are funny. When they give us the "silent treatment," they think it's punishment.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-25T17:00:00Z

All of us have an ex that is living proof as to how stupid we can be. Some of us have more than one. Hmmm. Some of us are the ex.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-24T17:00:00Z

From Tim Hunter: It was bad enough Lance Armstrong admitted cheating all those years. Now, it appears that on Oprah, he wasn't actually confessing - he was lip-synching.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-23T17:00:00Z

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. (There's a lot of that going around.) Copy and paste ranks a close second.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-22T17:00:00Z

I saw a story today that took me back to college. Kiplinger's Personal Finance magazine ranked the 10 best values in public colleges and my alma mater, SUNY Geneseo, was ranked 9th in the nation. They looked at things like student/faculty ratio (20:1), graduation rate (4-year, 69%. 6-year, 81%), Annual in-state cost ($18,519), etc. Does the fact that I chose Geneseo make me smart? No, I just landed there...same for getting a degree in speech communications which led me to radio...very spontaneous. And when I went there they had an option that if you could pass a series of SAT-type tests you could skip your freshman core courses and get your degree in 3 years instead of 4. That's what I did. Surely that means I'm smart, right? No again. Not only did I not know what a great choice Geneseo was for value, I did not know that in the freshman class the ratio of women to men was 7 to 1. Overall it was 4 women to every guy. Here's what I learned: If you're a 5 and find yourself outnumbered 7 to 1 by women at a campus in the middle of nowhere, all of a sudden you're a 9. However, when you leave that environment you immediately plunge back down to 5. It's safe to say that leaving after just 3 years instead of 4 was the single dumbest thing I've ever done.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-21T17:00:00Z

You learn a lot by growing up in the country. For instance, city people don't know that chicken coops have two doors because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-18T17:00:00Z

I tried exercise, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath...very dangerous. Since then I discovered a shortcut. It's called emphysema. All you have to do is think hard and you get winded.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-17T17:00:00Z

My love life is like a Ferrari.

I don't have a Ferrari.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-16T17:00:00Z

I saw where the library in Iowa City, Iowa is considering a ban on sleeping in addition to the traditional ban on loud talking. Apparently it's the result of the homeless coming in just to sleep, but Library Director Susan Craig says it would be uniformly enforced, or as she put it, "If it's a 20-year old sitting there with a textbook in front of them and they're asleep, you treat them the same way you would as someone who is dressed in a less put-together kind of way, is slumped down in their chair and has their coat over their head." Hmmm...when I was 20 and falling asleep in the library at college I'm sure I was dressed in a less put-together kind of way. I do believe I was waked up more than once. (I snore.) As a matter of fact, I started studying in the student union just because it was noisier there and I could stay awake. As for the talking part, I'm sure Jessica would love to "Shhhh" me when I'm babbling to her while songs play. She thinks I'm just being annoying but I'm actually just trying to remain conscious.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-15T17:00:00Z

It's amazing how people are put together. Everyone has their strong and weak points and in most cases, they seem to balance each other out. For instance, babies are sometimes so demanding and annoying that they'd be in trouble except for the fact that they're incredibly cute. It protects them. Sometimes that goes for beautiful women, too. Then there are the guys who are dumber than a box of hair, but they're big and strong. Me? I was blessed with a natural ability to talk myself out of bad situations. The medical term is bull$#!&er. That's helpful because I have tiny little wrists. Not limp...just small boned! Hmm, that didn't sound right, either. Anyway I'm pretty sure if I ever gave a guy an upper cut he would...for a split second...think his jaw just broke from the sound of bones crunching but it would just be my wrist snapping. It's good to be balanced.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-14T17:00:00Z

It takes a real man to ride his motorcycle all day on January 12...comfortable in his leathers and boots...and then spend all day January 13th in a tuxedo at a fashion show doing commentary for bridal gowns, using words like flouncy and swishy. Just sayin'.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-11T17:00:00Z

Call me sentimental, but with this weekend's Bridal Showcase and Expo I've been thinking about my wedding. If I ever get married I'm going to make the ceremony more guy-friendly. I mean, there's no law that says flower girls can't toss chicken wings instead of flower petals, right?

Things I've Learned

2013-01-10T17:00:00Z

Men have feelings too. For example, I feel hungry.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-09T17:00:00Z

I'm sure you've seen the Geico ad where Martin, the gecko, explains how they make their "adverts" and tells how the coffee cup he's holding is actually computer-generated. Then he takes another sip and complains how bad computer-generated coffee tastes. Here's my question. If they can afford an actual talking gecko, why can't they give him a real cup with some real coffee? What a bunch of idiots!

Things I've Learned

2013-01-08T17:00:00Z

William James said, "A great many people think they are thinking when they are really just rearranging their prejudices." I've noticed the same thing from people who like to regurgitate what they heard from people like Rush Limbaugh or on Fox "news."

Things I've Learned

2013-01-07T17:00:00Z

There was a guy in front of our studio window this morning changing the right, rear tire on his car and he had no idea how lucky he was. It reminded me of the right, rear flat tire I had on my first Jeep many years ago...except I discovered it right after an employee photo shoot so it was one of the few times I had good clothes on. That put me in a bad mood which steadily deteriorated as the back pain steadily went up. Then some old guy walking by felt compelled to say, "Whatcha doin'...changin' a tire?" When I'm really annoyed I just don't say anything so he concluded with, "Well, it could be worse," and walked off. I stopped for a moment and thought, "Really? It could be worse?" That's when the skies suddenly opened up and an icy cold deluge of rain proved him right. I have met Karma and he's an annoying old man.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-04T17:00:00Z

Of the nearly 2,000 senators in the history of Congress, only 44 have been female. Now there are a record 20 women senators in Congress...ten of them sworn in Thursday...four for the first time. They admit there's a long way to go but in one interview I saw, a number of them said they believe women are better at compromising than men so hopefully that will help our broken Congress. Let's hope so. On the other hand, there's Maureen Murphy's explanation: "The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces."

Things I've Learned

2013-01-03T17:00:00Z

It's hard to believe that it's already playoff time in the NFL. Or, as my Bills call it, January.

Things I've Learned

2013-01-02T17:00:00Z

Nothing makes you more productive than the last minute. Just ask Congress. On second thought, strike that. All they did was put off coming up with a plan for a couple of months and they couldn't even do that by the deadline. Washington is truly broken.

Things I've Learned

2012-12-31T17:00:00Z

It's an old tradition in my family but I know it'll work for you, too...to mark the New Year, cross some poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover. You'll get a rash of good luck.

Things I've Learned

2012-12-28T17:00:00Z

You may care about a lot of people but the real truth comes out when you consider which of them you wouldn't trip if you're being chased by zombies.

Things I've Learned

2012-12-27T17:00:00Z

So I was putting together some information about New Years Eve parties and it took me back to TYIWLE. For those of you not fluent with text abbreviations...that, of course, means "The Years I Was Last Engaged." I had been invited to a party by a group of people I was good friends with but my fiancé didn't want to go. I hadn't yet learned that "no seriously, you go ahead...it doesn't bother me" is somewhat of an untruth. I promised I would call her at midnight because, as you may know, whoever you're with at midnight on New Years Eve is the person you'll be with that year. I kept an eye on the clock and called at exactly midnight. Here's how I thought it would go:

Her: "Hello! You remembered! You're so sweet."
Me: "I just wish you were here. Love you."

It didn't exactly happen that way. It happened this way:

Her: (In that just woke up voice.) "Uggh. Hello?"
Me: "Mmmmmpphhh." (In that voice/noise you make when a drunk female friend lurches in and lays a lip lock on you.)
Her: "Hello?"
Me: "Mmmmpphhh. Stop it!"
Her: "Stop what?"
Me: "Uh...being awake. Go back to sleep. Happy New Year. Love you!" Click.
Looking back, that was a sign...even though I didn't end up with the other one. Memories, huh?

Things I've Learned

2012-12-26T17:00:00Z

I was at a party Christmas Eve afternoon at a...um...restaurant that holds it on that day each year because it's one of the few days of the year that they're closed. It's for employees, family and...um...people who sometimes...you know, every once in a while...stop by because it's convenient on their way home and a place where they can get some dinner to go or perhaps be treated for a dry whistle. Everyone parks in back but people still stop and invariably try to open the locked front door even though there's a sign on it stating that the establishment is closed for a private party. I was hanging out with some of the waitresses who thought that was pretty funny each time it happened because, "what's the matter, can't they read?" Well I have to side with those optimistic albeit incorrect would be customers because they're my people. Years ago I stopped at the 3-D's one afternoon and couldn't help noticing the guy behind the uh, counter, was looking at me kinda funny...as were many of the people in there. He said, "Is there something I can help you with?" The way he said it made it sound like he didn't know what his job was. I replied, "Well, I was hoping to enjoy a Pennsylvania legal beverage," or something along those lines, and he said, "This is a wake." Hmmm. That WOULD explain all the people wearing nice, black outfits. He added, "There's a sign on the door." There's no gracious way to slink back out when you're that far in. They need to make bigger signs.

Things I've Learned

2012-12-12T17:00:00Z

There's a new product out called Fake TV. It only costs $35 and is designed to emit light similar to that given off by a TV set to make burglars think twice before entering a home. I think it's a good idea, but it reminded me of how pathetic my real TV is. A couple of years ago some idiot broke into my house and I gotta say it's kind of sad when the most valuable thing a burglar can find to steal from your home is your loose change. Everything else was still there.

Things I've Learned

2012-12-11T17:01:00Z

I'm sure I've shared this before but a story caught my eye this morning that made me bond with a guy I've never met. In London, an English woman spent her wedding night in a jail cell after attacking a guest at her reception. Friends say a man had knocked down her husband, Allen, so Amy Ward went off on that guy to protect her man. I, too, was in a public place when a woman decided I needed protection, but it wasn't even another guy she thought was putting me in danger. Just hours after a doctor had told us that my neck problems could result in paralysis if my head snapped the wrong way; another woman...a friend of mine...had picked me up and shook me like a rag doll as her subtle way of saying hello. My girlfriend sprung into action yelling, "Put him down! You're going to hurt him!" I feel your pain Allen.

Things I've Learned

2012-12-10T17:00:00Z

I came across this years ago...how to make your Christmas tree fire resistant. You'll need:

- 2 cups of Karo syrup.
- 2 ounces of liquid chlorine bleach.
- 2 pinches of Epsom salt.
- One-half teaspoon of "Borax."
- One teaspoon of chelated iron.
- Hot water.

You can get the Karo syrup, Borax and liquid chlorine bleach from the supermarket. Epsom salt can be found at the drug store and the chelated iron can be purchased from a garden shop or plant store.
Mix the ingredients and thoroughly stir into 2 gallons of hot water.
Make a fresh cut at the base of the tree trunk. (About an inch.) Try to make a level cut.
Immediately stand the trunk of the tree in the solution and leave for 24 hours.
Keep the remaining solution and place your tree in a tree-stand with a well where liquids can be poured. Keep the stand's well filled and topped off every day.

F.Y.I. - The Karo syrup provides the sugar necessary to allow the base of the tree to take up water. Up to 1.5 gallons of water can be sucked up by the tree over a two week period. Boron in the Borax allows the tree to move the water and sugar out to every branch and needles in your tree. Magnesium compounds in the Epson salt and iron provide essential components for the production of chlorophyll which will keep the tree green. The bleach prevents mold from forming in your solution. A beneficial side effect is that the needles will not drop and you'll notice an increase in natural pine fragrance. Have a happy and safe Christmas!

Things I've Learned

2012-12-06T17:00:00Z

I won't name any names or mention that I work with her every morning but some people seem to be of the opinion that I don't get into the Christmas spirit...that heartwarming traditions are lost on me. Not true. Why just yesterday I took part in a tradition that dates back years. Every December, whether I need it or not, I get a haircut. The best part of the December haircut tradition is that people tell you you look great, even if you don't. When you've done absolutely nothing to make yourself look better for an entire year, any improvement makes you look good. So there, you haters! That's my Christmas tradition. Don't be embarrassed if you're a little choked up right now.

Things I've Learned

2012-12-04T17:00:00Z

Thanks to Patrick Gorse for this one:
A group of militant Islamic protesters in Bahrain reportedly had to be tear-gassed by riot police during an appearance of Kim Kardashian at the opening of a milkshake franchise. This may be out of line, but I'm starting to like these people.

Things I've Learned

2012-12-03T17:00:00Z

Even if you've always used an artificial Christmas tree, you might consider going out and getting a real one. To begin with, the first full week of December is officially Christmas Tree Week. Besides, real ones aren't insecure and won't get all weird because you have another fake one in the closet.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-30T17:00:00Z

If people could read my mind they'd want to punch it...which would suck because it's right behind my face.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-29T17:00:00Z

Whew! Long day today. I had to come in extra early to retrieve that resignation letter I left on the boss's desk. I'm really starting to think the Powerball game is broken. It never works when I use it.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-28T17:00:00Z

Roses are red, so is bacon. Poetry is hard. Mmmmm, bacon.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-26T17:00:00Z

I am bummin'. The world is harshin' my mellow, man. If you haven't heard, the Discovery Channel has cancelled "American Chopper." That opened an old wound. When I was a kid there was a program on NBC that I loved called "Then Came Bronson." It was cancelled after a year, but I think it's what got me hooked on motorcycles for life. Basically every episode was this: During his endless journey across America with no apparent source of funding, Bronson would ride his motorcycle into various towns where there would be people (i.e., a hot woman) facing a problem which he would then solve. She'd fall for him and want him to stay but he'd ride off into the sunset, heading down that "long, lonesome highway." I remember thinking, "Hey...that's the life for me!" I never quite got there. Sure, I got pretty good at being an idiot for not settling down with wonderful women who wanted me to stay, but I never quite mastered the endless journey part. Now I can blame Discovery for reminding me that I failed. Stupid Discovery.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-21T17:00:00Z

The Chinese claim all the Christmas toys they export will be perfectly safe this year so you can go ahead and relax and buy the Slip-N-Slide Terrific Toxic Bath Mat, Ronco's Really Sharp Lead Badger Poking Stick and Ginsu Slinky.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-20T17:00:00Z

I heard the word scrumptious in a commercial today and I got to wondering where did it come from? You would think that there would be a scrump but there isn't. The closest thing I could come up with was scrum...which is a rugby play. I have to quit thinking about this or I'm going to get a headache. The whole thing has me flabbergasted.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-19T17:00:00Z

Farmers give good advice...like, life is simpler when you plow around the stump...and it don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. Perhaps most important...always drink upstream from the herd.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-16T17:00:00Z

Hipatitis is terminal coolness.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-15T17:00:00Z

Colorful is just another word for crazy. I mention that because I want to share a quote with you that I got from a trucker while hitchhiking: "Taint nuttin' but pushin' 'n pullin'." I should probably just leave you with that and let your imagination decide what it's about but it was him giving me a lesson of sorts on driving a big rig. At least that's what he said about shifting when he stopped his 18-wheeler going up a fairly steep hill and asked me if I wanted to drive it. I declined but now and then I think about it and wish I had taken him up on it. By the way, that offer was made shortly after he reached back into his sleeper, pulled out a six pack and offered me a warm beer. He was very generous. And colorful.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-14T17:00:00Z

Man, I should have put some money on yesterday's post. I heard it twice. The first time was within a half hour of leaving work. The second time I just ignored it by pretending I didn't hear the guy yelling at me from 20 feet away.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-13T17:00:00Z

Okay. I'm going to go ahead and predict that before today is over, someone will say to me, "You ridin' the bike today?" The "joke" is most popular when there's a screaming white-out, 40-below, Frankenblizzard underway, but today being the first snowfall and all, I can almost guarantee I'll hear it at least once. I know this because I've been riding motorcycles since I was 16. Actually it's been longer if you include dirt bikes, but I didn't start hearing the "joke" until I got on the road. A very conservative estimate would be that I've heard it 10,000 times. If everyone promises to quit saying that, I promise that when Jessica says she loves something, I'll quit saying, "Why don't you marry it?" She'd like that.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-12T17:00:00Z

Some people are better than others at picking up on nuances. There's this guy where I work who's just a tad on the grumpy side...especially in the morning. Most of his co-workers know to just ignore him for the first hour or two because at best, any attempts at chit-chat will only elicit a grunt. Yeah, I know! Pretty rude, but apparently it's a coffee thing. Anyway, last week shortly after 5am, he was standing at the copier and yawned just as a co-worker came around the corner. She said, "Tired?" Now not only is this guy rude sometimes, he can also be sarcastic so he wanted to say, "Uh, you DO know it's just after 5am, right?" But you know what? Even surly people don't want to make really nice acquaintances sad, so instead I just slapped her. I mean, he said, "No, I'm always wide awake at this hour." She laughed. ..at whoever that guy was.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-09T17:00:00Z

So I saw one of the cable channels promoting an upcoming show about Pumpkin Chunkin and I couldn't help but notice there aren't too many women involved in this exciting sport. I wondered why. There's good 'ol American competition. It's a healthy outdoor activity. There's science involved...even drama as the pumpkins lose their noble struggle with gravity, crashing to earth. Is it because women are incapable of seeing the need to build bigger and better catapults and cannons to launch the gourds? Are they afraid of competing against men? Where are the Danica Patricks of the pumpkin hurling world? Do they think it's a waste of time and money? Nah, that can't be it. I don't know. Dames...go figure.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-08T17:00:00Z

There sure are a lot of people who drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-07T17:00:00Z

Presidential elections really bring out the weirdoes. A local guy comes to mind but I won't mention his name because even though he's super annoying, I feel kind of sorry for him. I will, however, say Donald Trump. I don't feel at all sorry for that man; unless we find out he actually is struggling with a mental illness. I do feel sorry for his hair. And his face.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-06T17:00:00Z

Today has me thinking about an election from years ago and a man whose name escapes me who was running for an office I can't recall. Sure, that sounds a little vague and why would it still be on my mind? Because I was walking toward the door of the place I still vote and this guy stopped me and asked me for my support. He was running for some minor, township type of office which I wasn't even really aware of. I've always gotten a little annoyed by people who are standing outside the polling place asking for votes so I mumbled something like, "Uh, yeah...sure." That's when he really got my attention by saying, "Craig, do you remember being pulled over by the State Police for speeding at Rt. 5 and 98 a few years ago?" I did remember. I was running late for work that morning and the cop gave me a warning and let me go. He smiled and said, "That was me." I voted for him. It's so much easier to vote for someone you have a "connection" with.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-05T17:00:00Z

Jessica and I were talking today about the whole voter ID issue and I mentioned how you couldn't vote more than once at my polling place because those ladies are sharp and notice stuff like when you start voting earlier instead of skidding in minutes before the polls close. Jessica said, "That's 'cuz they know you because you always vote." That got me thinking about other people that know you because of repetition...and whether it's good or not.
- The women at your pharmacy. I suppose that's good but it makes you feel like a hypochondriac when they look up, see you and turn around to get whatever prescription you're picking up before you say anything.
- Your server(s). That's good. They know what you want and it's good for them, too, because you can't be a cheapskate tipper when you know each other.
- Authority figures like the police, attorneys and judges. Hmm. This one could go either way...depends on how you met them.
- Acquaintances whose names you don't even know but you always chat when you run into each other. Again, it goes either way. There was one guy years ago who seemed nice enough until he was featured on America's Most Wanted for murder.
- Really big, scary looking guys who are actually nice. They're good to know because there are times it really pays to have a really big, scary looking guy on your side.
- Ex's. Hmm, again. It's nice to remain friends...except with the psycho ones and by the time you realize they're psychos it's too late.
- Doctors. See women at your pharmacy.
- Your hairstylist. Good. Although it might help to see her more than once a year.
- Mechanic. It's good if the repetition is over a number of years and not because of one expensive issue.
- Any person you spend hours with every day in a small room. It's very good if you truly like each other and genuine friendship grows from that. It's very bad if that person drives you crazy. See ex's.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-02T16:00:00Z

I noticed that Daniel Boone was born November 2, 1734 in a log cabin in Berks County, near present-day Reading, Pennsylvania. He, of course, was one of the most famous pioneers in the U.S. and many legends revolved around him, like the time he supposedly wrestled a bear. Since most of my formative years as a child were spent playing in the woods in upstate New York, Daniel Boone was a hero of mine. He's also the reason I shot my best friend, Lamont's, front tooth out with a BB gun. Lamont and I were pretending we were hunting bears and when he yelled from a thicket, "Help, a bear's got me," I did the only reasonable thing, which was to aim where I figured the bear's head was located and fire off a BB. It turns out that was exactly where Lamont's head was at and I shot him in the mouth, breaking one of his upper front teeth in half. So pick your heroes wisely. Don't shoot your best friend's tooth out. Oh, and don't buy a racoon cap. You'd be surprised how few places there are to wear one of those when you're an adult.

Things I've Learned

2012-11-01T16:00:00Z

With "Sandy" still getting so much coverage I keep thinking back to my own personal hurricane and flood experiences. I know the daunting task ahead of those who face cleaning up and rebuilding. I was only a teenager but when my hometown, Corning, N.Y., got flooded I worked all that summer for a guy that owned a gazillion apartments. The flood was in June but we were still entering apartments in August that hadn't been cleaned up yet. By cleaned up, I mean moving out all the furniture and appliances, shoveling out the flood mud, rolling up and lugging out water soaked wall to wall carpeting and tearing out all the sheet rock, down to the studs. When combined, flood mud, rotting food, must and mold have a scent you never forget. I learned a lot that summer...how I could work harder than I ever imagined...how you have to keep chipping away at a huge problem and be patient. I learned that some old guys can do the work of two younger guys and that you can take a lot of pride in what you're doing even when you're filthy and smell bad. I also learned that old guys love to make the youngest guy on the crew do all the worst jobs. I learned that when you're punching your fists through water soaked dry wall for entertainment during your lunch break, it's VERY important to know exactly where the studs are. But most important, I learned that if you throw a shovel over your shoulder and walk with purpose at a brisk pace, you can walk right by the big boss and he won't say a word because he assumes you're busy and you know what you're doing. That has served me well over the years but it also means people jump to conclusions when you're a broadcaster with a shovel.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-30T16:00:00Z

The Frankenstorm this week dragged me down memory lane...all the way back to when I knew everything. That's because Hurricane Sandy reminded me of Hurricane Agnes. Like Sandy, Agnes ended up hitting near New York City and dumped a boatload of rain in the Northeast. That was when I was 16 or, if you will, the age when you know everything. Agnes hit in June and my older sister was getting set to graduate from high school and she was worried about heading back into town that night for some school function. We lived up in the sticks in the hills surrounding Corning but the high school was down in the valley next to the river. I distinctly remember saying, with the kind of sarcasm only people who know everything can muster, "What? You afraid it's going to flood or something?" Turned out she didn't go. It did flood and you can still see high level markers 10 or 15 feet up on some of the buildings downtown. 18 people in the area died. Maybe that's why I made sure my generator was working and I had plenty of gasoline for when we lost power here Monday night...except I didn't lose power at my house. Whadda ya know...wrong again. I'm starting to think I'm never going to know everything.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-29T16:00:00Z

We were watching people walking by on State Street this morning. Some of them had umbrellas because of the rain, but I seemed to notice more people wearing plastic ponchos, presumably because of the wind. That makes sense except that many of these appeared to be cheaper, disposable ponchos. They might want to invest in better rain gear. Cheap plastic + cold temperatures + wind = purple legs and arms with uncontrollable, violent shivering. I know this because of a motorcycle trip I took during college that started in an early spring warm spell and ended in a late winter rain/hail/snow storm. When they're cold and flapping, cheap rain suits shred like the Incredible Hulk's pants. I'm guessing that the wind gusts they're calling for here with the Frankenstorm will have the same effect. We'll find out by tomorrow! Usually when bikers say, "Keep the rubber side down," they're talking about the tires on your bike. Today I'm talking about your boots.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-26T16:00:00Z

Sometimes I worry about myself. My priorities have changed and that concerns me. There's a local establishment that's bringing in an artist to do body painting on some of the women who work there for their Halloween parties this weekend. There's one girl in particular I'd love to check out...not in spite of, but because she's only having her stomach done. It's probably just coincidence, but I seem to have a long line of female friends with a unique sense of humor. This one is a tad on the preggers side...okay, more than a tad...she's due to pop out a baby in the next week or two and she is HUGE. Some women get self-conscious about that but she's going to draw attention to it by having her stomach painted to look like the baby is ripping its way out. How can you not love that girl? And who knew I was a belly man?

Things I've Learned

2012-10-25T15:00:00Z

Things I've Learned

2012-10-24T16:00:00Z

Being drunk is just feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-23T16:00:00Z

If you're a church going person, you might want to pass this along to your preacher/pastor/priest. Supposedly George Burns said it but I doubt just about every quote now since the internet has attributed George Carlin and Andy Rooney with just about every witty saying ever uttered. Still, it's good advice. "The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."

Things I've Learned

2012-10-22T16:00:00Z

Friends don't let friends drink and talk...especially to women. Or at least they shouldn't. Sunday evening I was in an establishment after watching the Bills game when two fellows came in. This particular tavern is frequented by some of the many people who come to Erie just to fish and since they were dressed in boots and camouflage I assumed they were "Mup-ears." (As in, I'm mup-ear from Pittsburgh.") I was wrong. One of the guys walked straight to me and said, "Your channel." He was unable to finish that deep thought for a moment but then said, "The music." I took a wild guess and said, "It's not your type of music?" His face lit up and he concluded with, "Acid rock." Alrighty then...not a term I've heard in a few decades but everyone is entitled to their opinion. My opinion was that he may have had enough to drink before he got there. I was right on that one. They sat one stool away from me so I could clearly hear him when one of the waitresses was washing some glasses in front of him and he queried, "Baby on board?" Oooh...ouch. I was hoping he wasn't asking what I thought he was and she apparently was too when she said, "What?" He said, "Do you have a baby on board?" I did one of those fist up against the side of my face as I looked down and turned away moves and heard her icily reply, "No!" At that point I was thinking, "Well, it doesn't get any worse than this." I was wrong. That's when he threw up. On the upside, that's when he left...just moments before being told he had to. His friend who didn't know enough to keep him from talking did know enough to give him a ride home. You learn something everyday. Problem is, that guy won't remember.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-19T16:00:00Z

I don't recall who said this, but it's good advice: Make your goal in life to be as good a person as your dog already thinks you are.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-18T16:00:00Z

So I got a voice mail from my sister, Paula, yesterday that said my mom was concerned by the news coverage of people getting meningitis from tainted steroid shots. Mom knew I had gotten a number of those for back pain so I called to assure her that I was fine. As I understand it, none of the contaminated medicine was ever even sent to Erie and besides, I stopped getting the shots last year because they just weren't doing me any good. I texted my sister after talking with Mom to let her know l didn't have meningitis but for some reason the text I sent ended up being this, "Called Mom and Dad, let them know I don't have hepatitis." She texted back, "Good, but I thought meningitis was the issue. No worries, right?" I had to explain that I get diseases mixed up but I know I'm not alone. A buddy of mine I used to work with had told his mom a doctor had diagnosed him with psoriasis. Her response was, "I told you! I told you you drink too much!" He said, "Mom...psoriasis...not cirrhosis."

Things I've Learned

2012-10-17T16:00:00Z

Sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-12T16:00:00Z

Osteopornosis is a degenerate disease.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-11T16:00:00Z

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high is called giraffiti.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-10T16:00:00Z

At some age you must realize you can get away with saying just about anything. One of my favorites is Barbara Bush, first lady to the first President Bush. Look up her comments about President Clinton "not remembering" what might have happened between him and Monica Lewinsky. Barb was a hoot but she certainly wasn't the first. Eleanor Roosevelt supposedly had this to say decades ago: "I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue - No good in a bed but fine against a wall." I would have tried to verify if that's authentic or not, but until I get a computer that was made in this century that's kind of difficult. Let's assume it was and let's go ahead and let the first ladies run the country. At least they tell it like it is.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-08T16:00:00Z

Don't miss the show tomorrow. I'm going to try to throw-up while we're on the air. Hey, Justin Bieber did it last week during a concert in Arizona and Lady Gaga hurled on stage in Spain Saturday and in both cases everyone went on about what professionals they are and how they soldiered on, blah, blah, blah. I figure it'll work for radio, too. Of course, I don't want Jessica to feel left out so I'm going to try to aim in her direction. (Don't tell her. She likes surprises and we'll get a more genuine reaction that way.)

Things I've Learned

2012-10-04T16:00:00Z

I did Jessica a little favor this week by picking up her son's school pictures. The photographer who did them is in Girard and since I live out there it saved Jessica a trip out to the West County but now I wish I hadn't. They were great pictures and they made me realize something. I have picture envy. It started when I thought, "I've never taken a good picture my entire life," but then I realized that was basically saying, "I've never had a good face my entire life." Trying to rationalize, I thought maybe it's not the pictures themselves but what Jessica ordered. My mother was very frugal and would only buy the smaller packages so maybe that's really why I was jealous. I guess the bottom line is; don't compare packages. ..size doesn't matter.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-03T16:00:00Z

Motorcycles are God's way of making sure you don't mow your yard too much.

Things I've Learned

2012-10-01T16:00:00Z

People shouldn't be punished for simply following human nature and doing what comes naturally...like breathing or appreciating art or being drawn to empty roadways. I just read how the California Highway Patrol ticketed seven pedestrians for being on Interstate 405 where it was shut down because of construction work. That's just plain wrong! Two of the people were newlyweds who the authorities said "wanted to celebrate on the freeway." Of course they did. Who wouldn't want to mark the beginning of a new life together by strolling down an empty four-lane? But as a police spokesman put it, "Their wedding gift was a citation." How sad. One Christmas night, years ago, my best friend Doug and I found ourselves traveling down I-390 in New York State after a heavy snow fall. We were the only ones on it...not even a snow plow and the moon was bright so we parked perpendicular across both lanes and got out. Why? Because we could, that's why. How many times do you get to block both southbound lanes of a highway? Why do you think downtown summer events are so popular in Erie? 'Cuz you can lollygag as you stroll down the middle of State Street...drinking a beer! Am I the only one who understands the universe around here?

Things I've Learned

2012-09-26T16:00:00Z

Saw a story this morning from Idaho where a guy cleaning a trout he had caught found a human finger in the fish. Authorities were able to get a print off it and matched it to 31-year old Hans Galassi who had lost four fingers during a mishap on the same lake in June. The sheriff's office offered to return the finger, but Mr. Galassi declined. What is he...nuts? I'd happily take a severed finger back. What a conversation starter! Heck, I'd have parties just so people sitting on my sofa would look at the jar on my coffee table and say, "Wha...what IS that?" Who boy! Let the story telling begin. Or, if you were mad at someone, you could give it to them! Get it? You can't buy that kind of fun. Or maybe make it into a coat hook or a back scratcher. The possibilities are endless. What? Am I the only one who recycles around here?

Things I've Learned

2012-09-24T16:00:00Z

Say what you want about Woody Allen but he got this right when he said, "If only God would give me some clear sign...like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."

Things I've Learned

2012-09-20T16:00:00Z

Sure, it's a corny saying, but it's true: "If you love someone, let them go. If they return it was meant to be." Been there, done that. I will say it's worth the wait and the love is even stronger when you reunite.

Yeah, I got my bike back yesterday. Why?

Things I've Learned

2012-09-18T16:00:00Z

So I'm going in for a medical test today that involves some electrodes being placed on your chest. I went through this procedure a number of years ago and as I recall, they shaved portions of my chest so the electrodes would stick better. (Not to mention there's less screaming like a school girl when they pull the electrodes off.) The cool thing was that the way they shaved it, it looked like Mickey Mouse peeking out of a hairy forest. I was sitting here hoping they'd do it that way again, but I don't know why. The first time I was left with Mickey shaved out of the hair on my chest I assumed that would be a real chick magnet, but it wasn't. I know! That doesn't make any sense. All these years later and I'm still trying to figure out how the female mind works. Maybe if they shaved out a panorama of a romantic Lake Erie sunset with the Niagara in the background...

Things I've Learned

2012-09-14T16:00:00Z

The way my luck has been going lately, I feel like Steven Wright. Or, as he put it, "I bought some batteries but they weren't included."

Things I've Learned

2012-09-11T16:00:00Z

I'm now at the age of knowing that when a towing service messes up loading your motorcycle, it does approximately $3,858.08 damage.

Things I've Learned

2012-09-07T16:00:00Z

Have you seen the Viagara commercials for men at "the age of knowing?" You know, the guy is hauling a horse trailer, gets hung up in the mud and knows to get his work horses out to pull the truck free. Or the one where his car overheats and since he's at "the age of knowing," he buys some water to refill his radiator. Whoo. On my way home last night my motorcycle just didn't "feel" right so I "knew" I needed to immediately pull over. I discovered my rear tire had picked up a chuck of metal and was about to collapse. I had a rear tire blow out at speed on a bike when I was 17 and believe me you don't want to go through that twice in your lifetime. So I limped into the Avonia parking lot and prepared to call a tow truck but I "knew" some companies don't tow bikes much so I "knew" to call the bike dealership and ask who they would recommend. They gave me a name without hesitation so I called them. The guy showed up with a pick-up truck with a hydraulic lift specifically used to transport bikes. I "knew" I was in good hands. Until my bike flopped over halfway through loading, twisting the handlebars, ripping the throttle off, putting a major dent in the gas tank and bending the rear fender. I really didn't know that would happen so on the upside, I'm not eligible for Viagara. On the downside I won't have my bike for a while and for me, that's worse than needing a little blue pill. I can ride for four hours without having to see a doctor.

Things I've Learned

2012-09-06T16:00:00Z

There was a story this week from Russia about a guy who faked his death in a car crash just so he could surprise his girlfriend by miraculously coming back to life and asking her to marry him. On the air, Jessica and I commented on how stupid this guy was but I kind of understood. Don't get me wrong...PLANNING your fake gruesome death is a horrible thing to do to a girlfriend. However, spontaneously pretending to die is a whole different thing. I'm pretty sure my last ex-fiancé secretly got a kick out of it the day she warned me not to try and saw off a big tree branch right before she left the house. Apparently she thought I was dumb enough to do that while I was home alone, so I did. The branch didn't come down at all the way I thought it would so I had to jump 10 feet off an extension ladder with a running chain saw. That's when I noticed the branch...now on the ground...had a perfect curve that you could slide under so it appeared you were trapped underneath. I also noticed she was coming back down the road so when she pulled in the driveway, she saw me under the branch with a running chain saw just a couple of feet away. You would think the fact that I had survived a 10-foot leap with a running chain saw without so much as spraining an ankle would be cause for celebration...especially after it was clear I wasn't dead, but nooooooo. She acted like I had planned the whole thing. It was just a happy set of circumstances. Dames...go figure.

Things I've Learned

2012-09-04T16:00:00Z

It was on this date in 1609 that Henry Hudson discovered Manhattan. That's a touchy subject in my family because it overshadowed my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather Noah Warvel's discovery of Mojito the following day.

Things I've Learned

2012-08-24T16:00:00Z

Ever notice how our environment is threatened during elections? Without getting too technical, basically what happens is the bozone layer thickens. That's the substance surrounding stupid people that stops rational thoughts from penetrating. Unfortunately it shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Maybe that's what's on top of Donald Trump's head.

Things I've Learned

2012-08-23T16:00:00Z

No matter how old a man gets...no matter how mature or how wise he becomes...there is always his 10-year old self inside of him. Let's see...what else was there? Oh yeah, a Vietnam airline got in trouble after beauty queens in bikinis gyrated to blasting music during a flight as gleeful male passengers snapped photographs. Vietnam's Civil Aviation Adminstration fined Vietjet Air 20-million dong ($960) for staging the show without receiving official approval.

I know you are, but what am I?

Things I've Learned

2012-08-21T16:00:00Z

What's going on with women's issues all of a sudden? Aside from Augusta suddenly jumping ahead a century to 2012, you had previously unknown U.S. Senate candidate Todd Adkin saying women who are "legitimately" raped don't get pregnant. Is it just me, or does that man look like he's perpetually constipated? And in case you missed it...last week Donald Trump said President Obama is popular with female voters because women "don't get what's going on." Oh, I think women get that Trump is a sexist blowhard with a dead ferret on his head.

Things I've Learned

2012-08-20T16:00:00Z

Wow...just heard that Augusta National Golf Club, home of the Masters, has admitted its first two female members. Damn, it took them long enough to arrive in the present. They were so slow they made Erie seem progressive. What was it...twenty some years ago that a certain social club here had a big ta-do about whether women could be more than auxiliary members or not? Apparently the guys didn't want women in their bar. I remember at the time thinking, "What kind of guys want to hang out in a bar where there aren't any women?" So I did a parody song about it to the tune of YMCA. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Things I've Learned

2012-08-15T16:00:00Z

Snoring is just nature's way of letting others know you're not dead.

Things I've Learned

2012-08-13T16:00:00Z

Have you seen the new 'doo Miley Cyrus is sporting? It reminds me of when I cut my beard out in the middle for mutton-chops while I was in college. I thought it was pretty radical and really made me stand out. It wasn't until I grew back the full beard a few months later that all of my friends...without exception...stepped up to tell me what an idiot I looked like. Miley, not one of them said boo while it was cut that way. I'm just sayin'.

Things I've Learned

2012-08-10T16:00:00Z

Today is National Lazy Day...

Things I've Learned

2012-08-09T16:00:00Z

That Dan Desrochers at the Community Blood Bank sure is a swell guy. There's a reason "dan" rhymes with "man." The world is a better place to live because of him and I can say that because I found out he reads this blog.

Things I've Learned

2012-08-03T16:00:00Z

There are some things you'll never, ever get tired of. For me, one of them is watching the brig, Niagara, especially when she's heading out or returning home and gliding past Rum Runners. I was there yesterday afternoon when she left for a tall ships appearance in Canada and it was magnificent, as always. I think it's because you're only about 30 feet away and the majesty of that vessel almost overwhelms your senses. It's surreal because it's so quiet even when they're under power and you're instantly transported back in time. We are truly blessed to have her.

Things I've Learned

2012-08-01T16:00:00Z

I was wrong in my last post. It doesn't get better. The mental picture you get when you see an old guy in front of your studio...naked from the waist down...is every bit as vivid Wednesday as it was when it got burned into your mind Monday morning.

Things I've Learned

2012-07-30T16:00:00Z

When your Monday morning begins with an old guy standing in front of your big studio window...wearing no pants...the rest of the week is bound to be better.

Things I've Learned

2012-07-24T16:00:00Z

When you're riding lead, don't spit.

Things I've Learned

2012-07-23T16:00:00Z

In case you missed it this morning, I admitted on the air that a little girl intimidated me at Roar on the Shore. I had walked into one of the vendor's tents and was looking at their belts when I heard a sweet, little wispy voice say, "Are you finding what you're looking for? Do you need any help?" At first I didn't even realize the questions were being directed at me, but then I turned toward the voice and was surprised that I then had to look down. A young, cute tiny little girl was looking up at me with that earnestness only a child can have and I stammered, "Uh, no I'm fine. I'm just looking." A woman who appeared to be her mother was standing about ten feet away and smiled and I thought, "Man, that's effective. Only a real jerk could say no to a sweet, little girl. I moved on and noticed a bunch of T-shirts hanging along the back and I was just reading what they said when I heard the little voice next to me again, this time offering, "They're 17 dollars each or two for 30." I said, "Oh. Thank you." For a second I thought, man, she's persistent...you have to buy something but then I discovered Cheap Craig was way stronger than Nice Craig. I wasn't going to let a sweet, angelic child bulldoze me into a purchase I hadn't planned on...so I left. Like I said, only a real jerk could say no to a sweet, little girl.

Things I've Learned

2012-07-17T16:00:00Z

So I was watching "The Vanilla Ice Project" on the DIY network...not because I'm into renovating homes, but because Vanilla Ice will be in Erie this week. In the episode I saw Ice spotted some kids on the street with a lemonade stand and he had his crew take a lemonade break. That made him okay in my book. I make a point to stop and buy some when I see a lemonade stand because it's just a little gesture but means the world to the kids who are dipping their toes into capitalism for the first time. Plus, you can look like a really high roller when the lemonade is a quarter but you give them a couple of bucks. Okay, actually the main reason I do it is for entertainment purposes because it's a hoot to watch a nervous mommy suddenly appear in the front yard because she looked out the window and noticed a biker had stopped and was chatting up her kids. I can't say I blame the mommies because their kids are out by the road yucking it up with a stranger but the kids aren't passing judgment on you just because you're wearing leathers and a bandana. So at the risk of a melt down, let's give Vanilla Ice a warm welcome when he's here. That guy can slam his lemonade so he's all right.

Things I've Learned

2012-07-06T16:00:00Z

Forgive thy enemies. (But don't forget their names.)

Things I've Learned

2012-07-03T16:00:00Z

If you help someone when they're in trouble, they'll remember you when they're in trouble again.

Things I've Learned

2012-07-02T16:00:00Z

An old, dear friend of mine unexpectedly died last week so I spent some time yesterday with his family at the funeral home. I left depressed and trying to wrap my head around his passing. A couple of hours later I was deep in thought when someone approached me and shook my hand. It was the father of another dear friend of mine and he had stopped to tell me she's pregnant. She's been trying to start a family for a couple of years now so it was fantastic news. Endings make a lot more sense when you have new beginnings to balance them out. It truly is the circle of life and it's a gift we shouldn't take for granted.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-28T16:00:00Z

In case you missed it this morning, I ratted on Jessica regarding this text she sent me yesterday afternoon: "Some guy, early 20's, said he's been listening to me all his life. :(." I know that comments like that can make you feel old and I'm a sensitive guy so I texted back, "You'll get used to it. In 15 years." Oddly, that didn't seem to help. It could be worse, though. A week or so ago a guy I know was telling me how a cute, young woman came up to him in a bar and asked if he was single. He was flattered that a 20-something would be hitting on him at his age but he told her that he was married. That's when she said, "That's too bad. My mom likes older men." Ouch. :(

Things I've Learned

2012-06-27T16:00:00Z

I just noticed that today is "Decide To Be Married Day." Having never been married myself, I had to go to those with more experience and here's what I found:

- Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
- Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
- Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
- Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
- Then there was the man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

I guess I'm just lucky. I've always been attracted to women who are too smart to go through with it.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-25T16:00:00Z

It's important to avoid clichés like the plague. Do it until the cows come home.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-22T16:00:00Z

If you're dancin' with your honey and your nose gets kinda runny, don't you think it's funny 'cuz it's snot.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-20T16:00:00Z

You'll save a lot of money and time spent with doctors if you just spit out everything that tastes good. Oh, and don't do anything fun or enjoyable.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-18T16:00:00Z

Have you ever noticed some females are just drama queens? The second you let yourself get pulled into their little game you're done. They won't leave you alone after that. It happened to me last evening at The Avonia. She came in and sat near me...kept looking over and smiling...checking to see if I was paying attention to her antics. I pretended not to even though she was cute. This went on for a while and then she caught my eye, leaned toward me and yelled, "Boo!" I pretended to be scared but I should have known better. After that she wouldn't stop. Thank God her mother finally said, "Honey, I think he's on to you. You're not scaring him anymore." Oh, did I mention she was probably about three? They were there to pick up a to-go order which mercifully was ready shortly after that or I would probably still be being booed at.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-14T16:00:00Z

Laurence J. Peter once said, "Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish a reputation as an expert." I would add that to become an expert even quicker...at least in your mind... get a job title.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-13T16:00:00Z

We had a thing this morning that some people believe caramel was invented by the Arabs and may have been used by women in harems as a hair remover. I am a believer. Every summer we used to visit Grandma Warvel in western Ohio at the same time The Great Darke County Fair was going on. The summer after my senior year in high school was the first year I had a beard and I didn't know that would have been an excellent time to stop my yearly tradition of buying a caramel-covered apple at the fair. Trust me...caramel is an excellent hair remover.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-11T16:00:00Z

I had a little trip down memory lane yesterday. Back in the day the scariest thing you'd see while riding your motorcycle (other than a deer suddenly bounding directly in front of you) was an elderly, confused looking person behind the wheel of a car. These days anyone talking or texting while driving fire off the red flags...a lot. But as I headed west on Route 5 near the Ohio border Sunday a little old lady pulled directly out in front of me...in very slow motion. I grabbed the binders and nearly locked up the rear wheel to keep from hitting her broad side and as I Iooked over at her while mouthing WTF (which means What's That For?) I could tell she had no idea she nearly caused an accident. Ah, memories! Anyway, she's still out there, so be careful. And the rest of you put your phones down. And you kids get off my lawn!

Things I've Learned

2012-06-08T16:00:00Z

Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't actually have to do it.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-06T16:00:00Z

Don't worry. Be happy. (I just wanted to give you that ear worm. There's no need to thank me...or my unicorn.)

Things I've Learned

2012-06-04T16:00:00Z

When you're young, the first time a friend your age dies is one of the hardest loses you'll experience in life. It's often unexpected and tragically, could often be avoided. Its cold, harsh reality smacks you up side of the head that life is finite. Unfortunately it happens for many young people around this time of the year, ironically as they celebrate graduating from high school and look forward to all that their future may hold. I was reminded of this today as I looked at a picture of a grief-stricken girl mourning the loss of three classmates in a car crash over by Cleveland. God knows we've seen this scenario play out locally as well over the years. It made me think of my buddy, Kevin, who left us way too young and brought back what a crap-shoot life can be. I still wonder why my other buddy, Doug and I weren't with Kevin that night as we had been for several nights prior. I still think of you, Kevin. And I hope our young people in the Erie area will be just a little bit more careful...a little smarter. You're not bullet proof. Don't find out the hard way.

Things I've Learned

2012-06-01T16:00:00Z

Pleasing everyone is impossible, but ticking everyone off is amazingly easy and fun.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-29T16:00:00Z

If you see a bomb technician running, try to catch up.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-25T16:00:00Z

I ran into a friend yesterday who mentioned that her nephew is going to be in the Soap Box Derby. I hope he actually builds his own car. He won't win, but he'll be a better person if he does. I don't know, maybe they've changed but when I was in the Derby the rules stipulated that the car had to be built by the boy. (This was before girls were invented.) Although he would answer any questions and gave me some direction, my dad insisted I build the car myself. I'll tell you this...when a kid works with fiberglass for the first time in his life, he ends up with a really lumpy car. Plus, if he's anything like me, his steering system...i.e., steel cables running through eye bolts...fails and he crashes into the hay bales, dashing any hopes of racing glory. He'll also notice that almost all the other cars are smooth as silk and custom painted...like tiny Corvettes without engines. Yeah, those kids built their own cars. I didn't even come close to winning but I got to take pride in my own endeavor plus I got comfortable with lumpy vehicles which came in handy when I purchased my very first car.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-22T16:00:00Z

Fewthingsaremoreannoyingtothereaderorthewriterthanabrokenspacebar.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-21T16:00:00Z

I see dumb people. They walk around like everyone else...they don't even know that they're dumb.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-18T16:00:00Z

These days common sense is so rare, it's kinda like a superpower.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-17T16:00:00Z

Being normal? Ugh. I can't imagine how awful that must be.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-16T16:00:00Z

Not being fired is the new raise.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-15T16:00:00Z

Santa Claus is starting to tick me off a little. He lives the next house down from Warvel State Park. No, really. I'm not usually a name dropper but he really does live next door. You might know him from the mall around Christmas but to me he's just the guy I wave to when we're both out in our yards or he drives by. (He uses a pick-up truck in the off season.) He and Mrs. Claus spend the winter in Florida and they just got back a week ago and already he's making my yard look bad. Not only does Santa mow his own yard on a regular basis, but in the past few years he's begun mowing more and more of the field between our properties. Back in the good 'ol days that field would only be chopped down once a year. When I hadn't mowed my yard for a couple of weeks it wouldn't look that bad compared to a field that was a couple of feet tall. Now my yard looks like the field if I don't mow regularly because he's got the field looking like a yard. Sure, I'd take better care of my yard, too, if I only worked a few weeks each year. All I'm saying is, Santa has a little bit of a mean streak in him. And that I'm expecting coal this Christmas.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-11T16:00:00Z

I'm not weird. I'm a limited edition.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-08T16:00:00Z

Okay. I'm just going to go ahead and declare an official change of seasons according to the official Warvel State Park Meteorological, Nature and Sociological Index. That's despite the summer temperatures in March, the winter temperatures in April and now the April showers in May. The first official sign was several sightings of The Wolfman. He's one end of my Seasonal Size-o-meter...a very big dude from the Pittsburgh area who runs a charter fishing boat on Lake Erie each summer. There has never been a Wolfman sighting here in the winter. The same goes for the other end of my Seasonal Size-o-meter. I spotted my first hummingbird this past Saturday evening. You never see those in the winter, either, so you know its spring when you spot both ends of the spectrum. The only missing traditional sign that it's surely spring is one that I hope I never see ever again. That's the annual chugging of baby bunnies. For a couple of years there, when my dog, Charlie, was still alive, he would show up at the door to my patio looking all proud of himself for finding a tiny, little baby bunny...which was in his mouth! When I would attempt to get him to let it go, he would quickly eat it...aauuugghhh! I finally figured out that the mommy bunny had left her brood in a depression hidden by tall grass under my stairs at the back of my house. Well, hidden from me but not from Charlie who could reach it from the lead on his cable through the yard. Two years in a row I got to witness a horrific end to the lives of cute, cuddly little wabbits. I was thinking about that this past Sunday as I mowed back there. I checked but there were no rabbits. Either the mother finally figured out that was a really bad hiding spot or they had already left because I wasn't being vewy, vewy quiet.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-04T16:00:00Z

Try not to laugh so hard that tears run down your leg.

Things I've Learned

2012-05-03T16:00:00Z

I enjoyed the "Sass and the City" article by Monica Lewis in the Showcase today. If you missed it, she talked about seeing two clowns fighting at a mall in Toronto and how surreal that was. I understood because of my own clown weirdness about 22 years ago. The circus was in town and I had plans to take my girlfriend at the time and Levi to see it at the Tullio. She bailed at the last second so I swallowed the cost of that ticket. Levi just had to have a snow cone in a $10 plastic circus mug and a $10 lighted sword that stayed lit for several whole hours. Then he fell asleep through most of the performance and woke up with the urgency to leave that only a grumpy four-year old can have. So we left as the circus continued and as we walked out a clown offered to sell us a stuffed animal. I said, "No thank you," and as we passed by I heard him say, "Cheap dad." Something in me snapped and I whirled around and as I glared into the face of a clown with a giant painted smile I heard Levi behind me saying, "Daddy, what are you doing?" That's when I realized I was about to send him down a road of lifetime counseling because he witnessed his dad breaking a clown's big, red nose...or worse...watched in horror as his dad got his butt kicked by a smiling clown in baggy pants. Hopefully what I did was teach him to stay away from angry clowns. I always wondered what became of that guy. Apparently he moved to Canada.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-30T16:00:00Z

There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those who are good at math and those who aren't funny.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-27T16:00:00Z

Big guys scare me. I've had bad luck with them over the years. There was the time I was preparing to emcee a body building competition by watching a guy work out and I fell over when I tried to stand up because my legs fell asleep while I sat on my boney little butt. At least that giant, muscular guy was kind enough to help me to my feet. There was that time when I was doing camera work for our college TV sports department at an NBA practice session and accidentally walked into one of the players. It was a lot like walking into a wall and I think my on going neck problems started when I looked up to see who, or what I had run into. I don't even remember which player he was, but by God, he was a giant! A giant who was looking down at me sort of the way I would look down at a puppy that ran into my shin. Then there was the time I accidentally walked into Hulk Hogan at the civic center before a wrestling match. By God, he was a giant, too! An oily giant who looked really annoyed that I had just ran into him. Perhaps the scariest incident, though, was back in the 90's when Buffalo Bills linebacker Daryl Talley was in town. I was chatting him up telling him how tough it was for us Bills fans in Erie since everyone here is a Steelers or Browns fan. The Browns were doing really poorly then so I tried to joke about how it wasn't even fun anymore mocking them because they sucked so badly. How was I supposed to know that Talley was born in Cleveland? He gave me a rock hard look with dull, serial killer eyes...the look opposing running backs probably saw before he drilled them into the turf...leaned in toward me and hissed, "My brother plays for the Browns." Time really slows down at a moment like that and I think I know what you'd feel like if you suddenly came face to face with a P.0.'d grizzly. Fortunately in this case, the grizzly laughed after he made me sweat for a moment and said, "You're right, though. I had to quit making fun of my brother because I felt guilty." Wait, maybe bulk isn't the key factor when I feel intimidated. I have another story about a midget circus clown who was pretty damn frightening but that'll have to wait.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-25T16:00:00Z

Yesterday was Levi's birthday. I'm so glad I had a son. Otherwise I would have had to join D.A.D.D. That's the group, "Dads Against Daughter's Dating." Their motto is, "Shoot the first one and the word will spread."

Things I've Learned

2012-04-23T16:00:00Z

Saw this on a T-shirt and it is so true:

Let's eat Grandma. Let's eat, Grandma. Punctuation saves lives.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-20T16:00:00Z

I feel sorry for Jessica. Some of you do, too. There's been more than one woman who has called in and expressed condolences for her having to put up with me. You don't know the half of it. You only hear what she's hearing when we're on the air. This morning while a song was playing I shared with her the amazing story that when I first came downstairs the motion-sensor light on my patio was on, making me wonder if there was a trespasser out there. But of course it wasn't a human. It was much more likely to be some critter. Later when I went out to my bike to pack my saddlebags I heard loud screeching coming from across the gully next to my yard. A few minutes later as I headed down the road a raccoon crossed in front of me so I figured that was what had made the noise and tripped the light on my patio and made me think of my last live-in girlfriend. That's when Jessica mumbled, "Huh?" Oh. You see that old girlfriend had called me one night to come pick her up downtown because she didn't think she should drive and she wanted me to bring the bike. I did, but then she wouldn't leave her car downtown and insisted on following me home. I know. Why did she call me to come get her? Anyway, on the way home while she was right on my butt the rear tire of my motorcycle violently kicked out on me. I didn't crash but she almost ran me over. That's when exasperated Jessica suddenly appeared and yelled, "Does any of this have to do with anything else!?" Well, yeah. I turned around and went back to see what I had hit and it was a raccoon. See? It all comes together. That's when Jessica gave me that look. As near as I can tell, every female is required to learn that look at the beginning of 8th grade. You know...dull eyes, slightly crossed and the top lip just starting to curl up a little. Which reminds me of my first live-in girlfriend but that's another story.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-19T16:00:00Z

Sometimes you'll wonder why that Frisbee is getting bigger, but then it hits you.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-18T16:00:00Z

It has been interesting watching Madonna's antics recently. There's no doubt that she's in incredibly great shape but she is 53 and it's starting to appear that she's desperately trying to hang onto her 30's. I don't want to sound like I'm a member of the He-man Women Haters Club but we all reach that point where we have to honestly critique ourselves and see if we're trying to be something we no longer are. If you don't it becomes very sad to everyone but you. I always think of the elderly couple I saw many years ago on Presque Isle. It was an event where the beach was packed with thousands of people and suddenly the crowd began parting like the Red Sea (if you believe that sort of thing). I looked to see why and there they were...a skinny, saggy, overly-tanned, wrinkly old man in a Speedo and an equally old, crocodile-skinned woman in a string bikini who was obviously quite pleased with her store-bought fun pillows that were apparently about 50 years younger than her. They were VERY comfortable in their own skin but no one else was...talk about a train wreck. So I say to Madonna, "Don't let that happen to you. You're still an attractive woman but you can't go toe-to-toe with Rihanna and there's no reason why you should try." It's not easy but you can do it. Heck, I just recently realized I'm no longer in my 20's. Who knew?

Things I've Learned

2012-04-17T16:00:00Z

I was just reading an article about Katy Perry and how she took that name because her real name was the same as an established actress. Katy was born Katheryn Hudson...as in Kate Hudson. Sometimes people ask me if Warvel is my real name and that amuses me. I think if I had chosen a name I would have picked something cooler or at least a name that doesn't sound like you're slurring every time you say it. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I got to keep my name despite entering a profession that, at the time, required disc jockeys to come up with something catchy or at least not ethnic. I could easily have ended up being Buck Bagawk or Chris Cristy or Johnny Fever before that was taken. I'm proud of my name in large part because there aren't a whole lot of Warvels running around. It's entirely possible that Levi and I are the only two in Pennsylvania. The biggest concentration seems to be over near Palestine and Greenville in Western Ohio where my grandparents lived. When Grandma died I was shocked to see a bunch of Warvel tombstones at the cemetery and that's why, my friends, I have a bunch of pictures of grave markers with Warvel on them. You may think that's morbid. I like to think of it as healthy curiosity. Up until then I didn't realize we were mortal.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-16T16:00:00Z

There's an old cliché that men can look in the mirror and see a pretty buff, chiseled guy no matter what they actually look like and I think that's true. That explains the times I've heard guys with giant beer guts look at a woman and say something like, "You know, she'd be halfway decent if she lost 20 pounds." I never really put myself in that delusional category until the other day at the grocery store. At the checkout the 20-something girl asked me if I wanted heavy or light bags. I had never been asked that question and wasn't sure what she meant. She said, "Well, some people like their grocery bags packed a little lighter so they're easier to pick up." Joking, I said, "Oh, so you're saying I look weak." She started back pedaling and claimed she wasn't and that she only brought it up because she used to work in a hospital and knew that some people could look normal but have health issues that made it hard for them to pick up heavy things. That didn't help. Ever since then I've had to reevaluate and now I have to admit I do look pretty weak. My God, my wrists are tiny...dare I say, delicate? She was probably afraid they'd snap if I picked up a heavy bag and then she'd have a situation on her hands where a grown man with shattered, bleeding wrists was shrieking like a little girl in the middle of Giant Eagle...standing in a pile of scattered frozen dinners and junk food. Apparently tiny, little wrists are a by-product of pushing buttons for a living. Cool. I'm going to see if I can convince her to carry out my bags next time. Never be too proud to be lazy.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-13T16:00:00Z

An apple a day will keep anyone away...if thrown hard enough.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-11T16:00:00Z

Speaking of my mom, I noticed that it was on this date in 1872 that powdered milk was invented. They got it from a dehydrated cow. My mother was a big fan of powered milk so I grew up on it. As I recall, she mixed it half and half with real milk to stretch the 'ol budget. As much as I disliked powered milk...or as I called it, white water...I continued to mix it for some time after leaving home, presumably to stretch the 'ol budget. The day I switched to just real milk was the day I felt I had finally made it. (I buy real butter now, too, but don't tell her.) It's funny, the little things we reward ourselves with as adults that we couldn't have when we were children. That explains beer.

Things I've Learned

2012-04-10T16:00:00Z

Hi Mom. Hi Dad. I found out yesterday they read this. On the down side, now I have to be careful not to make fun of my parents. On the upside, they've doubled the number of people who check this out. We're up to four!

Things I've Learned

2012-04-09T16:00:00Z

Okay, I'm not quite getting the "memorial cruise" that is re-creating the Titanic voyage across the Atlantic. It will reach the spot where the ship went down on the 100th anniversary of the tragedy that killed 1,500 people. I saw a story on it this morning as giddy people dressed in period-correct Edwardian dress were acting like it was a Halloween party. Tickets went for $4,500-9,500 so someone is making some serious cash off this. Does that mean it's only a matter of time before someone puts together a "memorial wagon train" that will culminate with a camp out and bar-b-que to coincide with the 1846 Donner Party cannibalistic nightmare in the Sierra Nevada? I'm just sayin...

Things I've Learned

2012-04-06T16:00:00Z

Sarcastic comment loading...please wait. (We'll do this like the computers here at work. Check back Monday.)

Things I've Learned

2012-04-05T16:00:00Z

In case you missed it, I found out yesterday that I have a lot in common with precocious, 10-year old boys. I was in the waiting room at my dentist and a boy was trying to chat up the receptionist. There was something on the counter that you could sign up for but she told him, "You have to be at least 18 to enter that." Without hesitation he said, "On Facebook I'm 24." Without hesitation I thought, "That's weird. So am I."

Things I've Learned

2012-04-02T16:00:00Z

It's National Bra Fit Week. That's all I've got...just thought I'd pass that along.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-28T16:00:00Z

I'm not stupid. I've just had bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-27T16:00:00Z

I know a guy who was awarded a Carnegie Medal for Heroism for diving into cold Lake Erie waters to rescue a fisherman who'd gone overboard. He showed me the medal...pretty cool, but brrrrrrr! As much as I'd like to be hero, I don't deal with the cold very well. Sure, I always imagined myself saving the life of a smokin' hot Hollywood actress who was suffering from hypothermia by both of us jumping into a sleeping bag in our birthday suits...(no really, that's what you can do to help bring their body temperature back up)...but it was such a mild winter the opportunity never came up. Besides, that would be really cold at first, too. So I think I'll go to the Community Blood Bank today instead. You can save a life and it's not cold there. You don't get a medal but you do get a snack. Close enough.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-26T16:00:00Z

Being smooth with the ladies is not something that can be taught. You have to be born with it...that special connection with the female soul that lets you know exactly what she wants to hear so you can deliver it spontaneously and without hesitation. Last Friday I realized my son was fortunate to have inherited that from me. I had stopped by where he works and a waitress came up and he said, "Dad, this is the woman I'm going to settle for someday." Sure, she pretended like she was offended but I recognized that instant, electric connection he had effortlessly made with her. That's my boy.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-23T16:00:00Z

Ever since that Mitt Romney aide compared Romney to an Etch A Sketch I've been reminiscing. It's making me want to get another Etch A Sketch to see if I still have what it takes. I don't mean to brag but I got pretty good on those when I was a kid...ain't nobody draws stairs like I can!

Things I've Learned

2012-03-22T16:00:00Z

Lawrence J. Peter nailed it when he wrote, "By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong."

Things I've Learned

2012-03-20T16:00:00Z

The first day of spring! It's one of my favorite days of the year because spring and summer are my favorite seasons. I don't like fall because everything seems like it's dying and that makes it hard to be upbeat. I'm not crazy about winter because it seems like everything is already dead...and it's cold. But spring...spring is a rebirth and the world starts growing again! Then again, that means my grass is growing again and I hate mowing the yard. Spring also means that once again I've failed to complete all the projects I put off last spring and summer...and the spring and summer before them...because "they would make better winter projects." Never mind. I'm depressed now...kinda feels like fall.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-16T16:00:00Z

St. Patrick's Day always makes me think of my visit to Ireland many years ago. I know I've already shared this at some point, but the warning bears repeating. If you're ever in Dublin, make sure you visit St. Michan's Church. The building dates back to 1685 and if you're lucky you can get a little tour of the burial vaults below it. Several of the coffins are open, exposing the leathery, ancient bodies inside. It's thought that the limestone walls contributed to the mummification of the bodies and you can kneel next to one along the rear wall that is thought to contain the body of a soldier who had returned from the Crusades. He was such a big man that his body had been cut in half to fit in the coffin. One of his arms is up, exposing his hand and legend claims that if you hold his hand and make a wish, it will come true. Which brings us to the warning...I'm not superstitious so I didn't take it seriously and wish for knowledge or wealth or peace. Trust me. Don't waste your wish! Or at the very least, be more specific about she should look like.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-14T16:00:00Z

I figured out why I never got married. There's just too much deceit. I realized this when I saw an article about how some women will ask their man something when she knows he's preoccupied and only half listening. That way when he blows a gasket afterward, she can truthfully say she asked him about it and he agreed. An old friend of mine is pretty sure that's how he became a father. Or, as he put it, "I think she waited until I was drunk and said, 'Can you pick up a gallon of milk tomorrow, is it okay if I get my hair trimmed, do you want to have a baby and does this outfit look okay?'" On the other hand, he used to time it out so he'd get home a few moments before her and as long as he was in the garage using a power tool when she pulled into the driveway, he figured she'd think he wasn't out bar hopping all afternoon. Crazy married kids. Well, not them. They're divorced now.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-13T16:00:00Z

Speaking of the differences between men and women...these have made the rounds on line but they're very true. The first one isn't funny...it's just sad but true:

MARRIAGE

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

MONEY

- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

EATING OUT

- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
- When the girls get their bill, out come the calculators.

NAMES (My favorite)

- If Laura, Kate and Sarah get together, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
- If Mike, Dave and John get together, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, *ickhead and Sh** For Brains.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-12T16:00:00Z

Apparently...based on Jessica's excitement...tonight is a big night on "The Bachelor" and it got me thinking about the differences between men and women. Women, by and large, love the romance associated with "finding the one." They can watch a show like that and somehow hold out hope that it all might actually mean true love and a wedding and happily ever after. (Seriously, what kind of man would want to marry a woman who spells her name Lindzi?) I believe that's why a lot of women love match making, despite the stats that show only about half of all marriages last. Men, on the other hand, are probably a big reason why only about half of all marriages last. We don't "fix-up" our single buddies. We concentrate on the ones who are already married or in a serious relationship and do our best to ruin what they've got. It's universal in the male world. The more trouble you can get your buddy in with his significant other, the more fun it is. That's how we bond. When are they going to have a reality show about guys sabotaging each other's love life? It would be way more entertaining...kind of a cross between "Punk'd" and "America's Funniest Home Videos." Hmmm. I think I've said too much. Excuse me while I go get rich.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-09T17:00:00Z

The best humor is something almost everyone can relate to and it often makes a serious point. It's also timeless. Will Rogers is one of the best examples of that. He was doing his stuff in the 1920's and 30's but his observations on society and politics, for example, still hold true:

- "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."
- "Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."

But I think my favorite quote is this:

- "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go wherever they went."

Things I've Learned

2012-03-07T17:00:00Z

I know spring hasn't officially begun on the calendar yet, but it has for me. To begin with, I rode my motorcycle to work today and that felt good. One of my co-workers even said seeing it in the parking ramp was the first sign of spring for him. For me, though, the first sign of spring was seeing the kids from the day care next door traipsing by our studio windows because it was a mild, sunny morning. You can see the natural, unbridled joy in their eyes and that's contagious. It was especially true with a little girl who was walking by with a woman and she kept looking up, smiling at the music coming from our outside speakers above the windows. We have a button we can push and talk through that speaker without it going over the air so I cheerfully said, "Hi there!" She smiled even broader but kept staring up at the speaker and talking to it. The woman laughed and turned the girl's head so she'd be looking at me in the studio and when the girl spotted me, spring time ended. The big smile faded and she got furrows in her brow as she looked a bit concerned or disturbed. Apparently some bearded guy in a bandana wasn't what she expected. Other kids her age have mistaken me for a pirate so maybe that was it. I wish I looked more like Johnny Depp.

Things I've Learned

2012-03-05T17:00:00Z

I've been thinking a lot about women over the past several days...in regard to sadism. It's because of my left pinky finger. A couple of weeks ago I accidentally smashed the nail as I was putting a speaker into the Star van. Almost immediately it turned dark. Ever since then it's been purple...almost black and at worst I figured people would think I was having some kind of midlife Goth crisis but couldn't commit to painting all my nails. Instead, a number of women knew right away that it had been smashed and offered to "fix" it by draining out the blood. One offered to shove a needle into the middle of the nail and cheerfully explained that the blood would "squirt right out." When I made squealing, frightened school girl noises she said, "Oh it won't hurt." REALLY? Shoving a needle through an already smashed finger nail won't hurt? Another woman suggested using a small, sterilized bit and drilling through the nail. Whatever happened to maternal instinct? No wait, I can answer that question. My mom used to love getting a sewing needle out and digging around through my flesh to remove a splinter. You know what she used to say? "Oh, that doesn't hurt." No wonder I have trust issues...and squeal like a frightened school girl.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-29T17:00:00Z

When you look at messed up celebrities today it's not that hard to cut them a break. You figure, they're young, they made a ton of money and got famous, no wonder they got involved in drugs and keep getting arrested. You think, "Hey, I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger...imagine if I had been rich." But then you consider Ron Howard. As a child actor back in the 60's, he was on the wildly popular Andy Griffith Show for 8 years. He went on to star on the incredibly successful sitcom Happy Days for six years. He was in movies and began directing movies in 1977. His films include the Academy Award-winning Cocoon, Apollo 13 and A Beautiful Mind. He's got a freakin' asteroid named after him! Did he self destruct or get full of himself and become a jerk? Does he wear a toupee because he went bald? No! In fact I had the opportunity to interview him by phone a few years ago and he was the single nicest, down to earth celebrity I've ever talked to. It was like chatting up the guy who sat down next to you at the Plymouth. All this comes to mind because March 1st is his birthday. Happy birthday Ron and thanks for reminding me it's okay to ridicule Lindsay Lohan.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-28T17:00:00Z

The advertising agency that came up with the current Wendy's commercial is apparently staffed by girly-girl girls and sissy city boys who live in a warm state. They're promoting fish sandwiches at Wendy's by having characters say they're "going fishing" when that scenario is obviously preposterous. In particular, the part that rubs my northwestern Pennsylvania country boy side the wrong way is the guy that says he's "going fishing" and his co-worker indignantly responds, "It's snowing outside." Huh? They think there's some law prohibiting you from having a line in the water if there are snow flakes in the air? They've never heard of ice fishing? Don't get me wrong, I'm convinced ice fishermen have a death wish and hard core fishermen in general are...uh, "special," but I don't live in a world where you can't go fishing because "it's snowing outside." Wait. I'm being too harsh. Whoever wrote that commercial could be from Erie...IF they're one year old. Man, this has been a weird winter, huh?

Things I've Learned

2012-02-27T17:00:00Z

What is it about community refrigerators that make people mouth breathers? I heard about a place where a guy suddenly decided he'd be in charge of keeping the work fridge in order but he did that at 5am with no warning and started randomly tossing stuff in the garbage. Fortunately I was able...I mean, someone was able...to convince this unknown person that he shouldn't throw away people's Tupperware containers with the food, too. Apparently it's a problem everyone has...even law enforcement. In Deer Park, Texas, food and drink were going missing at a police department's break room! They set up surveillance cameras and discovered that officer Kevin Yang was helping himself to and consuming other people's stuff. He claimed he was merely taking it upon himself to keep the refrigerator clean. They said, "Okay. Oh, by the way, you're suspended for 30 days without pay and facing a misdemeanor theft charge." Ooh, how much fun would that be?

Things I've Learned

2012-02-24T17:00:00Z

You know you're getting old when lawn care becomes a big highlight of your life. So far it appears I shall live forever.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-22T17:00:00Z

Intelligent people are always questioning. Like, whose idea was it to put an 's' in lisp?

Things I've Learned

2012-02-21T17:00:00Z

There are websites that help radio people come up with topics to discuss, contest ideas and such. Some of them rely on contributions from jocks around the country and yesterday I was looking at one and this caught my eye:

"I always carry my stuff in a small backpack and the zippers on my old one have been broken for months, so I finally bought a new one. However, after I transferred the stuff to my new one, I couldn't bring myself to throw the old one away. So I took this dirty, old backpack with broken zippers home and it's now hanging in my utility room because I might need the straps or a patch of that kind of fabric someday. I admitted my problem on the air and we got lots of calls from other packrats or the people who love them."

I was about halfway through it before I realized I had written that a few years back. I don't remember saving an old backpack but I'm guessing if I remember to check when I get home later today, I'll find a backpack with broken zippers hanging in my utility room. They're right. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-20T17:00:00Z

So I had another thought over the weekend concerning sports, which is odd because I don't really follow sports that much. However, there was an NHL game on TV and at one point two of the players threw down their sticks and gloves and put up their fists in that old-timey, handlebar moustache, boxer fisticuffs kind of way and began circling one another. It was pretty apparent to me that they were about to start fighting but the refs apparently didn't pick up on those subtle clues and made no effort to stop it before it began. They grabbed each other's jerseys and punched one another until, apparently, their arms got tired...then they skated over to the penalty boxes. I've never understood hockey fights and no one has ever explained it to me in a way that made any sense. I looked it up and found out that fighting is "officially prohibited, wink, wink." (Alright, maybe the "wink, wink" wasn't in the quote, but it was implied.) Anyhoo, I don't see how fighting adds anything to hockey. It's already known as "the fastest game on earth." It doesn't need fighting. I believe soccer and baseball would definitely benefit from periodic fights. Sure, you have your occasional "bench clearing brawls" but those games are so monotonous they could use some more action. However, if we had to pick just one sport to pump up with fighting I'd have to nominate golf. How cool would that be? I can already hear the soft spoken announcers describing (in monotone) Phil Mickelson and Sergio Garcia throwin' down: "Oh my, look at that! Phil's white slacks have been ruined by blood splatters. How right you are, John, and how fortunate for Garcia that he's wearing red plaid slacks." I should be some kind of sports commissioner. I've already got big plans for women's beach volleyball.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-16T17:00:00Z

I was watching ESPN the other day and they ran some old black and white NFL footage of football players wearing those old leather helmets. I thought, "You can't look any dumber than that." I was wrong. Later they ran some NBA footage from the 70's when all the players wore those tiny, tight shorts. You CAN'T look any dumber than that and unfortunately I know that to be a fact. I'm not saying there are any old pictures of me wearing tiny, tight shorts but on the other hand, that might explain why I've never run for public office. That's the kind of thing from your past that can ruin any political ambition.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-15T17:00:00Z

Have you ever noticed most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Things I've Learned

2012-02-14T17:00:00Z

We go through a lot of useless information here and one tidbit caught my eye. It stated that too many personal items in your office can hurt your professional credibility. I figured I should take stock. All I've got is a Canadian Club coaster that Levi gave me that explains, "your Dad had a van for a reason," a picture of my caricature on a billboard when I first started on Star, an old Martin & Warvel coffee mug, an old Warvel & Ireland coffee mug, a fake motivational poster that states, "Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us," a picture of Jessica and me with a Harlem Globetrotter, a picture of me with an old girlfriend, a picture of me with Peter Fonda from Roar on the Shore, a fake baseball card with Frank Martin and myself, a fake ad an old lover sent me with my caricature holding a mug of beer with the slogan, "Beer: Helping ugly people have s** since 1862," (beer is waaay older than that), an Christmas card from the old Jet radio with a picture of the whole staff during the Jim Cook/Michael Dee era, a clipping of a letter to the editor from Lawrence who was outraged and wrote "Craig Warvel should be ashamed. I will never listen to his show again," because of a joke he heard about JFK (which I didn't make, a comedian did), pictures of our faithful listener, Joanie, and crayon pictures from our "number one" fans including 7-year old Lauren, my Warvel for President button with my slogan, "he's lazy but honest," a picture of a sad looking Basset Hound with a fake giant knife through his head, a birthday card from my older sister that shows a puzzled man looking in the mirror while wearing flowery women's slacks and the caption, "Craig didn't see how getting into a woman's pants was any kind of challenge," a quote from George Bernard Shaw stating that "Life does not cease to be funny when people die anymore than it ceases to be serious when people laugh," a Dilbert cartoon where the owner is telling an employee he can either save his life or the consultant's but one of them will have to die and the employee tells him the consultant recommended "that you kill me." Actually, there's more but I don't want this to end up being a long, rambling, and grammatically incorrect blog, because that could hurt my professional credibility.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-13T17:00:00Z

It's so heartbreaking how Whitney Houston's story ended...and so sad that it's not all that uncommon among very talented performers. It's as if their seemly boundless, natural talent is too much for them and it ends up consuming them. I suppose a lot of it has to do with the amount of money that's thrown at them while they're surrounded by too many people who want a piece of them and aren't looking out for their best interests. Perhaps the rest of us are actually lucky.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-10T17:00:00Z

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-08T17:00:00Z

When it comes to things I really don't think will happen, my stupidity and lack of perspective amaze me. In this case, I speak of the Powerball Lottery, which is up to 250-million dollars. Do I think I could possibly be the one to beat the 1 in 175,223,510 odds? Um...no. But I bought a ticket just in case because I want to be the guy who ticks off millions of people when he says, "No, I hardly ever buy lottery tickets. I don't even know what I'm going to do with the money." So that was good, clean fun until one of my co-workers decided we should all chip in and buy a bunch of tickets. My first thought was, "I don't want share the jackpot. What if I only get like 20-million instead of the whole thing? That would suck." But I chipped in anyway because for as much as I would be annoyed having to share the money I don't think we'd ever win, I would be even more miffed by becoming that guy everyone reads about who didn't chip in with his co-workers. I'm starting to think this is a no-win situation.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-07T17:15:00Z

Okay, maybe there's three.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-07T17:00:00Z

The two best things in life involve your face. One is the wind in it while you're riding your motorcycle. The other is a puppy licking it.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-06T17:00:00Z

Okay, is it just my cynical little self or is the Super Bowl starting to slide into the same trench as New Year's Eve, Christmas, birthdays and weddings? Those would be things you really look forward to and have a certain, perfect vision of in your mind, but reality seldom fails to come close. It's a lot like when a parent is introducing their child to me and says, "Do you know who this is? We listen to him and Jessica every morning on the radio." The look on the child's face is usually a mix of confusion, apathy, disappointment and perhaps a bit of apprehension. Apparently I'm not what the kid had imagined and their reaction is not exactly encouraging for me, but I find it entertaining nonetheless. I guess that means I'll be watching the "big game" again next year.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-03T17:00:00Z

I think I shared this story some time ago but a JCPenny commercial we're currently running took me right back to that moment in college. In the commercial you hear an auctioneer, but he's lowering the prices instead of going up. It's funny because that would never happen, right? I know better because of Buzzo. Buzzo was a really...uh, "unique" wild-haired, bearded guy who owned a music shop in Geneseo, N.Y. where I went to college. As I understand it, he was a gifted trumpet player who went to one of the top music schools but somewhere along the line, back in the late 60's or early 70's, he decided he'd rather own a record store in a small college town. Anyway, I had gone to his shop to buy an inexpensive guitar to fool around on and he showed me one that cost $75. I said, "Perfect. I'll take it." As we walked toward the register, he spun around and said, "Okay...$70, but that's as low as I'll go." I said something like, "Uh, um...okay." We got to the register and as I was pulling out my wallet he said, "Fine...sixty dollars!" So that's what I paid for a guitar I had agreed to buy for $75. Why did he do it? Who knows? But I always wondered if there were any clues in his name or the name of his many bands which ranged from "The Sweet Buzzo Boogie Band" to "Buzzo's Bandits" to "Buzzolio's." Maybe the Buzzo moniker had something to do with the late 60's or early 70's. Guess I'll never know. It'll be one of those great mysteries that will forever puzzle mankind...man.

Things I've Learned

2012-02-02T17:00:00Z

I was just reading that Kodak is asking to remove its name from the famous theater in the heart of Hollywood. It's the theater where this year's Oscars will be handed out in three weeks. The Rochester, New York-based firm has paid "a significant annual fee" for the naming rights since the Kodak Theater opened in 2000. If you didn't know, the pioneer film and camera company has filed for bankruptcy protection as it struggles to find its way in the digital age so they could really use that cash. Anyway, there's a lot of that going around...the wanting to remove the name thing. I have a very good friend who would like to remove a name that somehow got tattooed on her wrist and somewhere in the forest behind my parent's old house there's a tree with my name carved in it with a declaration of undying love for Audrey. Ok, maybe Kodak and Jess...I MEAN MY VERY GOOD FRIEND...feel their situations are more important but I don't want a rumor to get started that might affect Audrey.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-31T17:00:00Z

Early this morning Jessica had a story regarding how a lot of products we think are made in America, aren't. It was sad and what really got to me was finding out that a lot of Craftsman tools are no longer made here. Then a woman from Channellock called. That's a company best known for their pliers and it's headquartered right here in northwest Pennsylvania in Crawford County. Or, as their slogan next to an American flag states: "Fiercely Made in Meadville, PA." This is a company that was, as they put it, "Forged in 1886." You could hear the pride in her voice as she told how their products are all American. They use American steel and even their trademark blue grips are made with American materials. As a matter of fact, it's her job to make sure it's all American. It was so heartwarming to hear her speak instead of hearing about how another U.S. company is moving operations out of the country. It made me proud...for a bit. Then I realized it was kind of like feeling joy talking to a survivor of a boat that sank until you remember that most of the others didn't make it. Way to go, Channellock. I wish there were more like you.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-30T17:00:00Z

Over the weekend I was at an establishment that had a big screen TV with a college basketball game on. I wasn't paying much attention until I heard a little boy at a table say, "Mommy, look. That white boy is really good." That made me go, "Hmmm." I turned around to see what he was talking about and saw a black player from Pitt getting set to make a foul shot against Georgetown. He was the only guy in the picture and when he made the shot, the little boy said, "See...that white boy is really good, huh?" I was starting to think the child was color blind when I realized Pitt was in white uniforms and Georgetown was wearing blue. I chuckled not only because of that but the fact that in the world of 4 or 5 year olds it's all boys and girls. I started to wish the rest of the world was color blind, too and we all still shared that innocence. The child was right, though. That white boy was really good and helped Pitt win but to be fair I have to say that even though Georgetown lost, the blue boys were pretty good as well.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-27T17:00:00Z

I believe one of the greatest philosophers of all time is Steven Wright. I don't recall Friedrich Nietzsche ever asking the question, "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

Things I've Learned

2012-01-26T17:00:00Z

You start the game of life with a full pot of luck and an empty pot of experience. The goal is to fill the pot of experience before you empty the pot of luck.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-24T17:00:00Z

You might have heard me this morning declare that this week's quote of the week is, "Sir, you have to live dangerously." That's what a young woman at Sabo's Pizza told me on the phone last evening when I hesitated to order a Deli Pizza, which is their specialty pizza this month. I had asked her what was on it and she listed the ingredients including a meat I was unfamiliar with. She said it was spicier than pepperoni and I must have mentioned something about being delicate and that's when the quote of the week was born. In my mind, "Sir, you have to live dangerously," is about the same as New Hampshire's motto, "Live Free or Die." They're more like orders than advice and little does she know she created a monster. Oh yeah. I've been living dangerously today. I went to get a bag of Cheetos from our snack machine and that's when I saw the new arrival and promptly acquired, without thought for my own personal safety, Jalapeno Poppers flavored cheese curls. You could feel the danger in the air. It was electric and made the hair on my arms stand up. What a rush. The adrenaline is intoxicating. After that I picked up a piece of paper Jessica had touched even though she's been sick for two days. Now I've got to decide if my middle name is going to be changed to Danger or Wild Man. I'll keep you posted. Try to keep up.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-20T17:00:00Z

Happy National Blood Donor Month everyone! They need you at the Community Blood Bank. There's a reason January is NBDM. It's because donations tend to drop off and the need rises with accidents and such. There's another reason you need to donate, though. I'm a reject. Usually I blow right through but this week when I went to donate I was informed my blood was low on iron. That's one of the things they check for when they do the mini-exam that includes checking your temperature and blood pressure. That's never happened to me before but on the upside, it's the first time someone in health care has told me I need to eat more red meat! They also told me I should quit flossing, stop exercising and drink more beer. (Okay, I made that last part up, but I will be burning a steak on the grill this weekend.) Another reason you need to donate is...Jessica is a reject, too!! She didn't make the cut because of low blood iron as well but that didn't surprise me. They say when you work closely with someone your cycles start to match up...wait, what? Oh. Never mind.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-18T17:00:00Z

Jessica was talking about a study this morning that purportedly showed that men get stupid when a woman is near...especially an attractive woman. That got me to thinking about the time I took the Graduate Record Examination when I was considering going back to school. I had been out of college for a few years when I decided to take the test and it was being offered at my alma mater. I went the day before and got a room so I could study some more and be rested for the examination. Okay, maybe I didn't study that much because you have to visit your old haunts, you know, and maybe I ran into an old buddy and perhaps we toasted a bit to friendship and that's when you realize last-minute jamming isn't good for you but staying out late is. Anyway, the next day I arrived at the lecture hall where the test was being given and discovered that despite the summer heat, the air conditioning wasn't on. Then she walked in and sat one seat away from me in the same row...a drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing a T-shirt that was so tight there apparently wasn't any room for a bra. The poor thing was sweating profusely and like all of us in there, her shirt ended up soaked. It was just a coincidence that I didn't do well on the test and never went to grad school. She didn't make me stupid. That was decades ago and I can still clearly see her in my mind...in great detail. Obviously so then stupid doesn't make around women men.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-13T17:00:00Z

Yowza! I just saw a recent picture of Heather Locklear. Why is everyone except me looking older?

Things I've Learned

2012-01-11T17:00:00Z

I don't mean to brag but have you heard our promo for Jessica's upcoming Slumber Party? In the promo I ask why she gets a slumber party and I don't and she seems to think the fact that I'm asleep by 7pm takes me out of the running. Wow! Talk about clueless. I'm obviously waaaay better at slumbering than her. I'm not going to say anything, though...don't want to hurt her feelings.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-10T17:00:00Z

I think I've discovered what the world's biggest problem is...we're still not learning from each other. George Santayana, the Spanish-born American author probably summed it up best when he said, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." I know this is true because while visiting a buddy he specifically warned me about the beam above the bottom of his stairs and how he had bashed his head into it. The first time I went down those stairs after that I cracked my forehead into that very beam. Need a better example? Snoop Dogg got busted last weekend for marijuana on his tour bus...in the small town of Sierra Blanca in Texas...the same small town were my man, Willie Nelson, got busted for the same thing in 2010. Is it just me or does anyone else smell a duet on the way...or maybe a trio with Toby Keith?

Things I've Learned

2012-01-09T17:00:00Z

I just passed our sports radio studio and saw one of our part timers sitting there babysitting the board while play by play of a game was underway. I shared with her what I got to do when I first started in radio back in my hometown of Corning, New York. Sunday mornings it was my job to run a religious program from a fire and brimstone preacher in nearby Elmira. Every week he would rant and rave about how sinners would burn in hell for all eternity. To drive the point home he would use examples of specific behaviors or habits and to this day I have no idea how he always knew what I had been doing the night before. It was uncanny. Was he right? I haven't found out yet.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-06T17:00:00Z

There's a big ta-doo at Durango High School in Colorado where 18-year old Sydney Spies' yearbook picture was rejected. Apparently it was deemed too sexy. She's a dancer and aspiring model and was dressed in a flouncy yellow miniskirt with nothing for a top but a black shawl tied around her chest. So the question has become...is dressing like a pole dancer protected under the human rights code? I know exactly what she's going through. My senior yearbook picture was also rejected for being too sexy. I thought it was just fine but, nooo, they said it was...wait a minute...not sexy...dorky. They said it was too dorky. Never mind.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-05T17:00:00Z

Have you seen the story about the drunken woman who punched and rubbed her buttocks against a painting at a museum in Denver, doing $10,000 damage to the $30,000,000 art work? I pointed the story out to Jessica and she incredulously asked, "Who would be drunk at a museum?" Been there...done that...but it wasn't my idea. I was in the city of Lvov in the Ukraine when it was still the Soviet Union. I had been wandering around by myself but stood out because I had on "American jins" and a cowboy hat. Three scary looking guys who spoke no English apparently took a liking to me and decided to show me around. By scary I mean one looked a little like Frankenstein (he was huge and apparently not too bright) and the guy who seemed to be their ringleader had a huge scar running down the side of his face. The other guy just looked psycho. They took me to what seemed to be a candy/liquor store and bought a couple of bottles of some kind of booze. Then it was down an alley to a dirty, littered courtyard to pass around the bottles in a concerted effort to improve relations between the Superpowers during the Cold War. It probably wasn't the safest situation I've ever been in...especially when a fourth man came straight at me yelling something about my hat (I think) and the guy with the scar had to intervene, yelling at that guy and pushing him back into a doorway...but I did it for my country. Anyway they apparently thought a nice follow-up would be to visit a museum. They were loudly giving me commentary on the museum's pieces...none of which I could understand...and that prompted a female employee to try and intervene. They directed their attention to her and although I still couldn't understand the words I'm pretty sure they were inappropriate. That's when we got kicked out and I gave them the universally understood pointing motion to my watch that meant I had to go. So yes Jessica, being drunk at a museum isn't totally unheard of. The difference is the more refined drunks don't rub their buttocks on anything.

Things I've Learned

2012-01-04T17:00:00Z

I can't remember how we got into it, but yesterday I got to swapping stories with some friends about the most embarrassing things that ever happened at work. I think I won. It was at my first job in radio back in my hometown of Corning, New York. The station was in a former house and there was only one small bathroom that we all shared. I was on the air and had just started a record. (Okay boys and girls...another history lesson. Records were thin, round grooved platters that were made out of vinyl. They spun in a circle and you would put a small arm with a needle on the end into the groove and that's how the music got played. If you weren't in the studio when the song ended all your listeners would hear an annoying sound that went, "skirrch, skirrch, skirrch, skirrch." Letting that happen was highly frowned upon.) Anyway, after I started the record I went to the bathroom and, uh, went through a process that involved a roll of paper on the wall. I flushed and before I could get back into the studio I noticed the water level of the toilet was continuing to rise and jiggling the handle did nothing to stop it. Just as I watched the contents going over the edge like a really icky but miniature Niagara Falls, I faintly heard "skirrch, skirrch, skirrch, skirrch" in the distance. As I bolted out toward the studio I saw the owner's wife...the sweetest woman in the world...coming down the hallway, heading for the bathroom. I subtly advised, "Don't go in there!!" I got the next record going and headed back to the disaster zone but she was already cleaning the mess up. I said, "Uh, I'll do that." Ever the professional, she said, "No, I've got it. Get back on the air." I did...but I don't think I made eye contact with her for about a week. Go ahead. Top that.

Things I've Learned

2011-12-30T17:00:00Z

I was putting a "Road Trip! Trivia" game together for Tuesday and one of the items jumped out at me. A survey revealed that 20% of men would "sooner pee in a bottle" than take the time to pull over at a rest stop. That's a really bad choice, depending on the type of bottle. For instance, if it's a wine type bottle with a relatively small opening, it's very important to understand the physics involved regarding volume displacement between the air and the liquid being introduced. If the opening is too tightly sealed and the air can't escape, pressure builds up until the liquid suddenly and violently sprays out like a shaken champagne bottle in an NFL championship locker room. Except it's not champagne...and it's really gross for whoever might be dumb enough to learn that the hard way. The only upside is that anyone dumb enough to learn that the hard way can later share that information with others so they don't have that experience...whoever those dumb people might be...

Things I've Learned

2011-12-29T17:00:00Z

Technology is amazing. Maybe I sound like some befuddled old fart, but back in olden times when I wanted to check the spelling, meaning or pronunciation of a word, I had to reach over, pick up my Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary and turn page after page until I got to the right spot. I still have it here at work but now I've got a computer just a foot away. If I have a question about something it allows me to click on a page which it magically opens in just 10 to 20 seconds...or sometimes after several minutes...or not at all. The uncertainty is the fun part. They say sporadic reward is way more powerful than consistent reward. Plus I get more of a cardio-vascular work out. I don't recall ever swearing and yelling at a book.

Things I've Learned

2011-12-28T17:00:00Z

Medical people give lousy directions. This morning a woman was trying to explain where their offices were and said they were by Blair on West Ridge Road. I was trying to figure out where Blair was and not be confused by West Ridge versus West Lake and she said, "26th and Colonial." What kind of directions are those? Why didn't she say, "Right by Eduardo's?" I guess I shouldn't pick on the medical profession. Educators give lousy directions, too. The first time I went to North East high school years ago a lady tried to talk me in by giving me a variety of churches as landmarks. Finally she said, "Do you know where Stack's is?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "Turn there."

Things I've Learned

2011-12-27T17:00:00Z

It's great being back on the air. It really is. However, having said that...

It doesn't bother me at all when that alarm goes off at 2:30...you get used to it.
Of course I want our relationship to go to the next level.
This year I'm taking my New Year's resolution seriously.
No, I wasn't looking at her. I don't even think she's attractive.
The check's in the mail.
No, I don't believe most women end up looking like their mothers.
Those pants don't make your butt look big.

Random trivia: The average disc jockey means only one out of every eight things that escape from his lips.

Things I've Learned

2011-12-14T19:00:00Z

Things you don't want to hear your medical professional say:

Proctologist - "Dammit. My watch slipped off in there." (Knocking on wood. I haven't heard that one yet.)

Dentist...after a loud, cracking noise. - "Oh S***!" (I have heard that one...after an impacted wisdom tooth broke during extraction.)

Pain Specialist...in a surgery center...leaning over to make eye contact with you as you look like you're "planking" the table and "mooning" the nurses moments before getting injections into your spinal cord. - "My wife decided to smash her Porsche into the back of another vehicle. I just got the estimate...$14,000." (I heard that one, too. Why do I feel like I'm going need more injections?)

Things I've Learned

2011-12-13T19:00:00Z

The human mind works in funny and sometimes surprising ways. I mean, you think you know your own mind...it is yours, after all. Me and my mind, we've had a close relationship for my entire life...shared every thought and every emotion. We're so close it's as if we both know what the other is thinking. However I was surprised to find out my mind has a weird food quirk. I'm undergoing another procedure today that requires some fasting and every time I've had to do that my mind gets all weird. Normally food isn't a big deal. I'm the guy who sometimes quits eating a meal because I'm simply tired of chewing. But I had to quit eating 5 hours ago and had to quit drinking liquids two hours ago and my mind is acting like we're starving. Now it's got my stomach all worked up...it's angry and growling. And apparently it's sending signals to my mouth that we've been running a marathon and it's time to dry out. It's too bad this doesn't work with vegetables. If I'm told I can't eat those my mind doesn't care at all and frankly I would probably be healthier if it did.

Speaking of being frank, I just reread this and now my mind is bumming out about all the people in the world...including many in this country...who never have enough to eat. I just found out feeling guilty trumps whatever else your mind was doing.

Things I've Learned

2011-12-12T17:00:00Z

Did you see the New England Patriots/Washington Redskins game Sunday...specifically the angry words between Pats' offensive coordinator Bill O'Brien and quarterback Tom Brady? They were yelling at each other on the sideline after Brady threw an interception. That sure took me back to my football days in high school. I used to go through that with our coach all the time...except it was never because of something I did on the field because I was rarely on the field. He used to just turn around and start yelling at me, loudly explaining why I should never do what someone who was actually playing just did. I suppose it was because the guys on the field couldn't hear him but I sure could sitting there on the bench. Unlike Brady, I never yelled back. I've always been a good listener. I think every team needs one of those.

Things I've Learned

2011-12-09T17:00:00Z

They say married people take on each other's characteristics. They're not alone. Over the years I have observed that cats just love to annoy people who hate cats. Trust me, if you have a room full of 12 people, 11 of which love cats and one who is so allergic, he will die if a cat looks at him...the cat will automatically saunter over and rub up against the leg of the soon to be dead man. I think it amuses cats and that's why they do it. What I didn't realize until just a few days ago was that the cat's owner starts unconsciously doing this as well. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate cats. I'm just not a cat person. They don't excite or interest me...kinda like Lindsay Lohan. Anyway, I have a coworker...a wonderful woman who's been a friend for many years...who loves her cats and she will seek me out to show me pictures of them. She doesn't do that with everyone here so I'm pretty sure that subconsciously she's ignoring her fellow crazy cat women and targeting me just to see if I'll break out in a rash and have trouble breathing. Thankfully I haven't although I came close with this week's pictures of the cat in the Santa outfit. For some reason, though, I think I might break out in a rash or some kind of communicable disease if I see Lindsay Lohan pictures so I'm staying away from the new Playboy.

Things I've Learned

2011-12-07T17:00:00Z

I was reading a blurb about how many women have trouble saying no and I thought, "Wow! Where are they?" Just kidding. It was how women can make their life a lot easier by learning to say no. I've had trouble with that, too, but got around it by learning how to make people not believe anything I say. Years ago when I was still a smoker the station I worked at had just made smoking off limits in the studio. I reasoned that none of the people who would enforce that would ever be walking in before 8am so I just kept smoking in there and made sure I took the ashtray out before they got there. One day the program director stopped me and said, "Craig, are you still smoking in the studio?" I said, loudly and with exaggerated sincerity, "Are you kidding? That's against the rules!" He continued, "Well I've heard that you're still smoking in there." I said, "But that's against the rules!" He scowled and said, "Are you?" "Are you kidding? That's against the rules!" He didn't believe me but he dropped it. I use the same approach when someone invites me to an event I don't want to go to...something like, "Wild horses couldn't keep me from being there! Are you kidding? I'll be the guy with bells on!" Later when they point out I never made it I say, "Oh I had to leave early. You must have gotten there after me." They say, "But it was at my house." Then they drop it and you don't ever get invited again.

Things I've Learned

2011-12-06T17:00:00Z

Today was comedian Stephen Wright's birthday. He's a hero of mine because I've always enjoyed the entertainment I give myself by being too literal. For instance, when it's cold out but I'm wearing my chaps, motorcycle jacket, a bandana and have my sunglasses sitting on top of my head while I'm sitting on a bar stool...the bartender will often incredulously ask, "Are you on your bike?" I like to pull my arms up a little and look down below me and reply, "No, I'm on a bar stool." The bartender generally doesn't find it that funny, but I do. One of my favorite Wright lines is, "I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend asked how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'" Before I die I hope to actually recreate one of his bits by going to a tourist information booth and saying, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Things I've Learned

2011-12-05T17:00:00Z

According to a recent study, one-third of all mall Santa Claus' have had a child urinate in their lap. I'm not sure what the exact differences are between a child's and a baby raccoon's wee-wee, but I'm pretty sure I know how Santa feels when that happens.

What? Oh, the baby raccoon with the weak bladder on my lap is a different story...one that leaves you with a warm feeling.

Things I've Learned

2011-12-02T17:00:00Z

I can no longer live in denial. I've compartmentalized my life to a disturbing degree. Before, I could just blame my bad memory when people would come up and say something about my private life that I had talked about on the air and I'd think, "How did they know that?" Sometimes they'll reference something I talked about just a couple of hours earlier and I don't immediately understand what the heck they're talking about. But a few days ago I had to walk down to the Credit Union on Perry Square so I headed for the parking ramp walking south on Peach Street...a route I don't normally take. There are some offices by the ramp and as I was walking by their windows I looked in and saw a woman working at her desk. Honest to God, my first thought was, "Man, that's gotta suck...working in a window where anyone walking by can just stare at you from a couple of feet away..." and right about there was when it occurred to me that that's what I've been doing for...oh, I don't know...about a decade now. I don't know how long she's been doing that but I will say you quickly learn not to pick your nose.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-30T17:00:00Z

They say people who babble a lot vocally tend to be sloppy and unfocused when they write as well. I don't know about that. I know I babble a lot...just ask Jessica...but when it comes to writing I tend to zero in. And where did that phrase come from? Zero means nothing so why does "zero in" mean taking sharp aim? A lot of phrases don't make sense, like "She gave him a piece of her mind." And why did John Lennon feel the need to champion vegetables when he wrote "give peas a chance?" I know I never did. I used to sneak them off my plate and hide them in little paper bags in my dresser drawers. Of course, younger people have never even seen those bags. They used to use them for candy you bought at a general store. Heck, a lot of people don't even know what general stores were. We had one in the little town we lived outside of outside of Corning, New York. Hah! Outside of outside of...that sounds like when you say New York, New York...that, to me, always sounds like nyork, nyork. That's probably how aliens laugh. My back hurts.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-28T17:00:00Z

For the first time ever I'm almost wishing our warm spell is over and winter will start. I'm not looking forward to snow and cold but I'm really getting tired of hearing, "Well, you're not going to have too many more days like this," every time I get off my motorcycle. I've been hearing that since September. Well, that plus I'm afraid at the rate we're going the grass will start growing again and I hate mowing. Sure, I hate shoveling, too, but snow is much easier to ignore when you've got a 4X4. You can't pack down tall grass.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-22T17:00:00Z

Time changes mothers...mine did anyway. When I took my first ex-fiancé home for the first time Mom made a big deal of the sleeping arrangements. Well, she thought she was being subtle but that's not one of her strong suits. It was more like, "Lisa, this will be your bedroom...directly under ours and the thin floor that doesn't sound proof at all...and Craig I've set up the roll-away bed that's barely wide enough for one person for you on the other side of the basement through two different doors." Years later when I brought my second ex-fiancé home Mom had either grown more liberal or was worried about jinxing another attempt at marriage by her only son. She said, "You two rabbits can have the bedroom downstairs. Tear it up." At least that's how I remember it. Time can also change memories.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-21T17:00:00Z

There are many different kinds of friends you can have but in my opinion the best...and the rarest...are the ones that make you smile the second you see them. They're a breath of fresh air because they're unique in some weird, fun way and they're almost always positive. I'm fortunate to have a friend like that and I ran into her over the weekend. In the course of our conversation she told me how she and her husband had gotten home one night and she asked him, "Hey...why don't we do donuts in our backyard?" Who thinks about doing that? Better yet...and a sure sign that they both married the right person...he thought that was a good idea, too, so they tore their yard up a little. It made me smile and I thought maybe I should be that spontaneous, too. So I hope they don't mind when I do donuts in their backyard.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-18T17:00:00Z

I talked about this on air but in case you missed it, I was lucky enough to witness what a guy does when he wins $50,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket. I also got to witness the kind of love you get from your motley family of regulars at your favorite watering hole. I don't know him well but I know he's a hard working, regular kind of guy and lately he's been buying those 20-dollar tickets and has hit a couple of times winning something like $650. Thursday he had bought some more of them and was busy scratching them off when all of a sudden he throws himself off his bar stool screaming, "Oh man! 50-thousand dollars!!! Holy crap! 50-thousand dollars!!" He slammed the ticket on the bar and did this jumping dance through the place before running back and looking at it again. We all held our breath and he slammed it back down and yelled, "50-thousand dollars! I don't believe it! Yeah!" Anna, the owner and de facto matriarch of the place looked at the ticket and put it back down. He continued his screaming one man dance and she said, "Let me see that again." We all held our breath. She said, "I'm really sorry." He ran back over and she pointed out the mistake he had made and the fact that he hadn't won anything. It got really quiet in there and she came over by me and softly said, "Damn, I hated to do that." That's when the love kicked in. She walked over to the jukebox and played Pink Floyd's "Money." If you're unfamiliar it has actual cash register cha-ching sound effects and lyrics including, "Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash. New car, caviar, four star day dream. I think I'll buy me a football team." I yelled over, "Think of all the taxes you just saved." People really step up at times like these.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-17T17:00:00Z

Necessity is the mother that teaches you how to sew...and keeps you single. In high school my football coach said I could have an old practice jersey and I thought that was just cooler than hell. The reason he let me have it was that it had gotten so worn and thin there were gaping holes in it. I think Mom fixed it once or twice and then she declared it beyond repair and refused to sew it back together anymore. That's when I learned to sew. Every time you washed it more holes would magically appear and I kept sewing them back up. Of course, it helps if you don't mind the kind of stitching you'd find on Frankenstein. I taught myself to do buttons, too. I think that's why I never married...I'm self sufficient. But you've got to know when to sew them and know when to fold them. For instance...you don't sew holes in underwear...it's just not done. Who cares except the woman in your life? (And she replaces them for you.) However, if you go long enough without an underwear replacing partner that's when you learn to buy your own new ones. You'll know it's time when you no longer recognize them as a garment or even a car washing rag. It's not easy spending perfectly good money on something as stupid as underwear but once you do it you'll realize it's a lot less expensive than a wife. Maybe next time I'll cover teaching yourself to cook. Don't think I can? I've got the scars to prove it.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-16T17:00:00Z

It's my birthday and I still know how to party! We just got done with "Sag, You're It!" and "Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says 'Bend Over.'" I still have a sharp mind, too. I didn't fall for it when they asked if I wanted to play "Kick the Bucket." Gotta go...it's time for "Hide and Go Pee!"

Things I've Learned

2011-11-15T17:00:00Z

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-14T17:00:00Z

There's a story out of Hawaii about a champion rodeo bull that somehow got a discarded truck tire stuck around his neck. The owner says she's not sure how to remove it. I understand. I faced the exact same circumstances...and when I say the exact same I mean it was a sheep instead of a bull. Oh, and it wasn't a tire around its neck. It was the feed bucket I'd just dumped in his trough and it was stuck over his head because I put it there. I didn't exactly put it there on purpose...it was a split second decision I made when I turned around and saw him running straight at me with his head down. Talk about ungrateful...the only reason I was in his pen was to feed him, but I guess that's why they call them rams. What I'd tell that bull owner is to yank the tire off and then run as fast as you can and hurdle the fence just inches ahead of the angry animal's horns. That worked for me. There can't be that much difference between a bull and a sheep.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-11T17:00:00Z

A man in Connecticut claims he won last week's $254 million Powerball lottery, but lost the ticket. I hate people like that. I actually won last week's $254 million Powerball lottery but lost my ticket. You know the real one. Yeah.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-10T17:00:00Z

You have to instinctively know when it's time for a major change in your life. Usually a big change is rather daunting but you just have to take a deep breath and jump in. I realized I needed to change something yesterday as I was lying prone on a table in an operating room wearing a hospital gown with most of my butt exposed for everyone (mostly women) to gaze upon. I'm normally kind of self conscious about these things but this was my fourth experience with this very scenario and as we joked with one another and talked a little radio, I thought...hey, they're very comfortable with this...it seems normal. So, I've decided to no longer wear pants or underwear under my leather chaps when I ride my motorcycle. (Actually that may or may not happen but it sure is fun putting a mental picture in Jessica's mind that she doesn't want and has trouble deleting.)

Things I've Learned

2011-11-09T17:00:00Z

Great minds think alike. So do sick, twisted, a little left of center minds. I know this because of my friends. One of those friends had sent me an e-mail of hilarious auto-correct texts so I forwarded them to another friend. She replied that she just got a phone with a voice feature that will text what you say so, of course, she did what any of us would do...curse to see how the phone would handle it. What her phone did was type "##@& off." No, honest. If you can't trust your crazy friends who can you trust?

Things I've Learned

2011-11-08T17:00:00Z

I saw where some physicians' group has launched a campaign against bacon. I'd give you actual details but this poor excuse for a working computer I'm on here at the station won't let me access anything without waiting for ten minutes. As I recall, they're claiming bacon can lead to rectal cancer. Apparently that's a chance I'm willing to take. I'm not sure why I love bacon so much but I'll bet it has something to do with my Grandma Warvel. I was fairly young when she died but one of my strongest, fondest memories of her was waking up in her old farmhouse and smelling the bacon she was cooking. It didn't get any better than that. So, yeah...I'm going to keep eating it. I'm more worried about getting some kind of brain-worm, computer-born, parasitic cancer from this #@*!> machine. Any doctors want to put up billboards about that? Hello? Mental health professionals? Anyone? I'm sure I'm not the only one suffering from this. We have more important issues than bacon.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-07T17:00:00Z

Okay people...let's take a moment and try to think things through. Specifically, I'm addressing anyone who would buy a dog or cat from a pet store. I was in such a store over the weekend and I didn't know whether to scream with anger or laugh at how stupid people can be. First of all, each cage had a tag with a number on it, but it wasn't the price. They all said stuff like "$250 off," which makes you wonder just how overpriced these animals are. Of course, there's the whole puppy mill issue but what really got to me were the mutts with the catchy names. You know...like Labradoodles. They're mutts. They're not purebred. They're mutts with catchy, cute names and this place was selling them for big bucks. Don't get me wrong. There are issues with the world of "purebred," and I think mixed breed dogs are great...somehow inheriting the best qualities of each breed. My last two dogs were mutts and they were both wonderful. But why would you pay big bucks at a pet store for a mixed breed when there are hundreds at our various shelters looking for a home? You can come up with your own cute name. As a matter of fact, the shelters have plenty of purebred animals, too. Don't support puppy mills, help the shelters, save some money and get a great companion. It just makes sense.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-04T16:00:00Z

This morning we talked about a study that pinpointed signs that you're getting older and I may have experienced some of them...once in a while...I can't remember. No! I mean I can remember! They just don't happen very often. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, it reminded me of my old dog, Charlie. I think of him fairly often. Hell, we spent 16 years together...that's longer than any relationship I've had with a woman. This morning's topic reminded me of the special bond he and I had. I have an old, antique brass bed that sits pretty high and he would always sleep under it. He wouldn't move until my feet hit the floor each morning and then he'd get up with me. Our bond was that we'd reached a point where we were making the same noises when we first started moving around each morning. It wasn't pretty but it was special.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-03T16:00:00Z

I was looking at the Showcase today and I know I shouldn't have been surprised, but the number of ads for Holiday Open Houses kind of jumped out at me. There'll be a ton of events from now until New Years and many of them are fundraisers for very worthy causes. For instance, we're running ads for the Barber Center's annual Christmas Ball. This year's theme is a Candyland Christmas. I would urge everyone to attend because it's such a great cause, an Erie tradition and it'll be fun. Years ago I had a Candyland Christmas and really, really enjoyed it.

Things I've Learned

2011-11-01T16:00:00Z

Can someone explain to me why young guys at football games...usually college games...feel compelled to spend the entire game...while it's snowing...cheering their team on while being naked from the waist up? Often they're with friends who are also coat and shirtless...showing some teamwork by cleverly spelling out a word with letters painted on their goose-bumpy, usually hairless chests. Is it to impress women or inspire their team? I think I could successfully disprove those arguments. I'm sure being young and spontaneous...and, I'm guessing...pretty drunk are all factors but I have been young and spontaneous...and perhaps, on occasion...a little tipsy, but I still never felt the desire to go topless in freezing weather. And how come young women at chilly football games never have that urge? Too many questions and not enough answers.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-31T16:00:00Z

I just read where the Federal Aviation Administration has decided that a videotaped skydiving...uh..."stunt"...involving a tandem jump by a part-time skydiving instructor who's also an adult movie star and a...um..."very close"... female friend did not violate any regulations. Apparently the FAA was most concerned with whether the stunt distracted the pilot but they say video evidence confirmed the pilot's account that he was not distracted. I was kinda surprised by that ruling, but I wasn't surprised by the stunt. I made a couple of static-line jumps years ago and got to know a bunch of skydivers. They are a really fun bunch of people and I wouldn't be surprised if some of them have done this themselves. At the very least I know people who've made jumps in all the glory of their birthday suits. They're fun to hang out with but they ain't quite right. Come to think of it, some of the pilots I met weren't, either.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-28T16:00:00Z

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Things I've Learned

2011-10-27T16:00:00Z

...is...

Things I've Learned

2011-10-26T16:00:00Z

Think you have a slow computer? My computer...in real time...

Things I've Learned

2011-10-24T16:00:00Z

I just tried Lay's Sour Cream and Onion potato chips for the first time and liked them. That's a good thing because I over invested. I got them from our snack machine where for 40 cents you can get a whole ounce of snack. However, I deposited 40 cents and pushed button "A" only to watch the curly wire turn until the chips would almost drop and then it stopped...the bag hanging over the edge...taunting me. The machine is about six feet tall and three-and-a-half feet wide. It's heavy. They really frown on people trying to rock it in such circumstances and when you have chronic back problems that would be just plain 'ol stupid. So I tried rocking it and that didn't work. I invested 40 more cents and watched the first bag drop while the following bag assumed the hanging over the edge position. I tried rocking it again and once again it didn't work. Only an idiot would go into the hole a $1.20 for just three ounces of a snack he didn't even know if he liked or not. Refer back to the rocking part. It's a good thing I liked them.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-21T16:00:00Z

I just wanted to take a moment to say goodbye to everyone since the world will be ending sometime later today. Laugh at me if you will, but if you can't trust a 90-year old preacher...a man who arguably has more experience predicting the end than anyone else, seeing how this is his 3rd or 4th time...then I just don't know who you can trust. Boy, am I going to feel stupid if nothing happens. Speaking of stupid...if this is the end, it's probably punishment for whoever designed those curb extensions for downtown Erie...and for everyone who voted for a certain county council person.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-20T16:00:00Z

I was just reading about a 12-year old boy in Massachusetts who was told he can no longer bring his saxophone on the school bus. The owner of the bus line says it poses a safety hazard because the bus is usually crowded. Of course, the boy's mother is all upset but I say, "It's about time!" That's exactly what they should have done when I was 12 and lugging a French Horn onto crowded school buses. I wonder how many people still have permanent head injuries from me whacking them with my French Horn. If they had banned it those people would still have full motor function, memory, sight and smell and I would have been spared the embarrassment of being a really crappy French Horn player and the most unpopular boy on the bus. That Massachusetts boy and his mother should be thankful.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-19T16:00:00Z

So yesterday I walk into a place that I sometimes stop at on the way home because it's on the way home and the ever cheerful Krista says, "So what are you talking about on air tomorrow?" I said, "Uh, I don't know. That's tomorrow." Later she said, "You know what you're talking about tomorrow." I said, "You're over estimating me." A little later she reminded me that last week I had promised to wish her happy birthday on Wednesday. So I said, "Oh! That's why you're asking me about what I'm talking about tomorrow." She said, "Duh." I was right. She had over estimated me. I said, "You're turning what...23?" She confirmed that and then these words came out of her mouth...between her braces..."Yeah, I'm getting old." I kept waiting for her to get close enough that I could whack her in the forehead but she didn't. She has a long way to go before she learns that you're not getting old until you're in the fourth stage of life:

1- You believe in Santa Claus.
2- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3- You are Santa Claus.
4- You look like Santa Claus.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-17T16:00:00Z

That Selena Gomez song, "Love You like a Love Song," got me to thinking about an old girlfriend and the cute, little declarations of love couples have for one another. Of course, those sayings are as unique as the couples themselves and generally personalized in a way that only they really understand. I can't remember the first time I said it...or exactly why...but I used to always tell her, "Love you like a dump." To my knowledge, only she and I used that one. Come to think of it, only I used that, but it was from the heart. Yeah, deep down inside I'm a hopeless romantic.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-14T16:00:00Z

Has anyone else noticed how photographs have changed? Back in olden times, people getting their pictures taken stood or sat normally...in other words, with their heads where they'd naturally be. Apparently a law was passed at some point that now requires photo subjects to place their heads as close to each other's as they can. I think it's because subconsciously we think that since most pictures are taken now with cell phones...and cell phones are so small...that the picture will be small so we'd better squeeze in close. As a matter of fact, I had a close head encounter yesterday. I had stopped to visit my friend, Anna, at the Last Shot and a guy standing next to me said, "Hey, are you Craig Warvel?" I checked...and I was...so I said, "Yes." He introduced himself and after chatting for a couple of minutes, he said, "Is it okay if I take your picture?" I thought that was a little weird and briefly considered claiming that would steal my soul but I said, "Sure." The next thing I know he's holding his phone at arm's length and had his head in next to mine and I was blinded by the flash. A few minutes later he's showing me the comments our picture got on Facebook. That didn't happen back in the olden times, thank God. I spent the remainder of that day and today thinking about all of the times in the past I'm thankful were never captured in a picture and instantly shared with the world. Mom would be aghast. Oh...and by the way, whoever commented that I look like Willie Nelson and probably meant it as an insult...it's not. Willie's the man! Thanks!

Things I've Learned

2011-10-12T16:00:00Z

Stupid is as stupid does. And sometimes stupid breeds if it's contained to a small room...say a radio studio. This morning while we were talking live on the air the name Joaquin came up and I said, "Oh, like that actor, Joaquin...uh." Jessica said, "Isn't it Joaquin Rivers?" I said, "Yeah that sounds right...sort of." It continued to spiral into a pit of stupidity as we went on to mangle some other names before deciding to quit thinking. Of course it wasn't until our mikes were off and a song was playing that it finally occurred to me that River was actually the first name of Joaquin's late brother and Jessica remembered Phoenix. Of course a listener then called in to straighten us out. (It's like magic...every time we're stupid.) We thanked her and told her we had actually just figured it out on our own. I don't think she believed us. I was impressed, though, that she ended the call without saying, "You two are stupid."

Things I've Learned

2011-10-11T16:00:00Z

I've been following Rosie O'Donnell's return to TV with interest because she really impressed me once. We did a contest years ago with a prize for the person who could get the most famous celebrity to call us. Rosie was at the top of her game with her original show but she took the time to call because a young man from Erie contacted her and explained that not only would he win a prize, a charity of her choice would also benefit. I'm sure people on national TV get a gazillion requests to do all sorts of stuff but she took the time to respond. And it's one thing to call, but she stayed on the phone with us quite a while just chatting even though she was on the set of her show and I'm sure had better things to do. It felt like yakking with an acquaintance or co-worker at happy hour. She was easy to talk to.

Speaking of famous women calling and impressing me, Kate Walsh of "Private Practice" called once, too. I said, "Hi Star 104." She said, "Hi, this is Kate Walsh." I said, "Get out!" Then she said, "No, you get out," and that's when I knew she wanted me. I'd tell you more about that but I'm probably already violating the restraining order.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-10T16:00:00Z

Okay. The waving has got to stop. I'm sure you've noticed bikers wave at one another when they pass. Sure, Jeep Wrangler owners and people with PT Cruisers do too, but they're model specific. Every motorcyclist waves at every other motorcycle that goes by. It's getting stupid. There are too many of us now. I've tried to cut back. I don't wave to people on those two-wheels in front Can Am things...or scooters...or any person riding a motorcycle with the two training wheels in back. Sure, that's starting to sound a bit elitist but back in the day the Harley guys wouldn't wave to anyone not on a Harley and that was okay because there was less waving! Maybe that's the answer. We'll be model specific, too and that'll pretty much eliminate all waving since you're not quite sure until you've already passed. So if I don't wave at you it's not because I'm being a jerk. I just wasn't sure if you were on a Honda VTX-N 1800 until it was too late.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-07T16:00:00Z

I'll leave you this week with one of my all time favorite Dave Barry quotes:

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

Things I've Learned

2011-10-06T16:00:00Z

Given a choice between washing and waxing a motorcycle on a nice day or firing it up and heading down the road, the choice is simple. You can either be a rider or a rubber. Given a choice between writing a blog of any substance or riding,

Hey, where did Craig go?

Things I've Learned

2011-10-05T16:00:00Z

I know what it's like to be a wife. Perhaps I should elaborate. I know what it's like to be a wife when it comes to men and toilet paper. What is so freakin' hard about replacing the empty roll with a new one?! I was just in our men's room and there was a new roll of toilet paper sitting on top of the empty one. It takes two seconds to remove the empty roll, slide on the new one and put the spindle back in the holder. So I did it. Actually I did it twice. The first time I accidentally had the roll feeding underneath so I switched it to over the top...the way it's supposed to be. If you're an under the roll person...man or woman...you're wrong and you need counseling.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-04T16:00:00Z

Another sad milestone. I've discovered I'm a biker geek. I didn't even know that was a category. My calendar here at work features a different custom motorcycle each month but it also features a different model in a bikini posing with each bike. This month it's a really raked out purple chopper, shot from behind. The girl is on the seat, but her legs are up above the tank with her feet resting on the rather high handlebars. She's laying down with an arched back with her head hanging down over the rear of the bike and her long blond hair tumbling about halfway down the rear tire. I'm annoyed because I'd really like to see what they did with the rear end of the bike. It looks like it might be bobbed but you don't know for sure because she's covering it up! Only a biker geek would be more interested in the rear end of the hardware than the rear end of the software.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-03T16:00:00Z

Never say, "Well...it can't possibly get any more annoying than this." I have probably thought that while standing in a tavern filled with Pittsburgh Steelers fans watching a game. They scream at the top of their lungs and pound on the tables as if that will somehow help their beloved team. But making it even more annoying is that they don't just do it for a touchdown or an interception or the winning field goal. If they get a 4-yard gain the screaming erupts. If they tackle a guy from the other team who only ran 4-yards they scream. They scream as if they're in a screaming contest and the winner will get free tickets to go to a game and scream in person. I thought it couldn't get any more annoying than that. It can and it did this past Sunday and I had to admit I was wrong. Not only that, I found myself feeling sorry for the Steelers fans because the drunk, shrieking woman who took it upon herself to balance out the mindless Pittsburgh din by cheering for the other team was even more annoying than they were...and she wouldn't let up through the entire game. After it was clear they were going to lose she kept it up and cackled with laughter every time she screamed and hollered. I mean, you've got to know when to back-down. Steelers fans are notoriously obnoxious before a game, between games or when they're winning, but they're a very vulnerable, sensitive, delicate, pouty lot when they lose. It's like kicking a sad puppy while screaming at it and that's just wrong.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-30T16:00:00Z

I'm not saying it's all the time, but women sometimes unfairly criticize men. For instance, Jessica is always saying that men never finish what they

Things I've Learned

2011-09-29T16:00:00Z

We had a story this morning about a lamb that had been abandoned after birth and grew up with the farmer's springer spaniel. Now it thinks it's a dog. It plays fetch, helps the dog herd the other lambs and makes a noise described as half baa, half woof. That's not really unusual, though. In middle and high school I hung out with all the jocks and I was in college before I realized I wasn't an athlete.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-28T16:00:00Z

Okay. Some people would argue that I'm simply lazy when it comes to mowing my lawn. (Mostly my neighbors.) But the truth is it's my mother's fault. We always had pretty big yards and she thought the lawn needed mowing every time the grass grew a quarter inch. All those years of forced mowing created a deep hatred for the process. I can't help it. But I have a question. Most recently I mowed my front yard out at Warvel State Park but the back yard is untrimmed and unruly. I like to think I'm fooling everyone unless they get a look at the back. Do I have a yard mullet?

Things I've Learned

2011-09-27T16:00:00Z

Time again to improve ourselves:

- Willy-nilly. (adj.) It means impotent.
- Balderdash. (n.) A rapidly receding hairline.
- Pokemon. (n.) A Rastafarian proctologist.
- Oyster. (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-26T16:00:00Z

Be true to thyself. Yesterday I was puttin' around on my motorcycle, proudly wearing my Buffalo Bills shirt. I stopped at an establishment...I won't name it, but it's one of the businesses at the corner of Rt. 98 and 6N. A girl working there...I won't say who, but she has blond hair and piercing blue eyes...looked at my shirt as I walked in and laughed and said, "Well it's obvious you don't jump on a band wagon when you pick a favorite team." I took that as an insult but we Bills fans are used to that. Besides, they were playing the New England Patriots and were down at that moment 21-to-0. Still, that kind of comment is kind of immature and mean spirited and I'm not like that. We ended up beating New England and upping our record to 3-and-0. So to her I say, "Nah, nah, nah, nah, boo-boo."

Things I've Learned

2011-09-23T16:00:00Z

If you're driving faster than me you're an idiot. If you're driving slower than me you're a moron. I think we've all felt that way at times. However, I like to think that when I'm driving slower than you I'm doing it for a good reason and not because I'm a doddering old man unaware of everything around me or a young texting death threat unaware of everything around me. Yesterday morning around 4am I was riding my motorcycle into work on Rt. 5 and a car came up behind me and was probably upset I was only going 45 (the speed limit out there) and turned off on Rt. 98. A short distance later another car came up behind me and turned off on Manchester Road. I suspect both were heading down to Rt. 20 where they wouldn't have to be stuck behind a slow moving bike in a long no-passing zone. As I rode along I was thinking, "Hey, I'm sorry, but at night it's hard to see the critters that like to jump out in front of you until it's too late. I'm not going to speed up and hit a deer just because the driver behind me didn't leave for work in time." Honest to God, as I was thinking that a deer jumped out in front of me and I was able to grab the brakes and keep from hitting it. I'm really glad neither of those cars was on my butt right then. They were going faster than me. They were idiots.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-22T16:00:00Z

I don't know this for sure, but I'm betting that dentists and their hygienists think all of their patients are ugly. A while back I posted a piece of advice I got from "The Real Man's Guide to Life" which said that under no circumstance should you hit on a buddy's girlfriend. It advised that if you did find yourself attracted to her, to look directly up her nostrils because that will make anyone ugly. I have no reason to believe that's not a basic truth and dentists and hygienists are looking up people's nostrils all day. Well, I gotta go. I've got a dentist appointment today.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-21T16:00:00Z

This is an open letter to people who try to be nice while driving. STOP IT! I'm not talking about people who don't tailgate. God bless you...and the people who actually stop instead of running red lights. You are thinking, intelligent adults. I applaud you. No, I'm talking about the people who try to rewrite the rules of the road like the person yesterday at the intersection of 8th and Pittsburgh. They were heading east; I was on my bike heading west. We both had the green light and were both turning to go south on Pittsburgh. That means they were turning right and had the right-of-way. There was no one behind them so if they had just turned as they were supposed to, I would have followed them and everyone would be happy. But nooooo. They decided to stop and apparently were trying to wave me through to be nice. Problem is, I couldn't see them because of glare on their windshield and I don't like changing the rules of the road when I'm on a motorcycle. That's why we have those rules...so presumably everyone knows what the other driver should be doing. As it was I almost missed getting through the light because I had to wait for them to do what they were supposed to. (By the way, sorry I was making those frantic, psycho-biker, "just move your!@#*! butt" arm movements. I got carried away.) Yeah, I know this sounds like nit-picking but have you ever watched a driver on a multi-lane road motion an on-coming driver who's waiting to turn to come on through in front of him...only to be T-boned by a fast moving car coming up on the inside lane? It ain't pretty.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-20T16:00:00Z

Look to previous generations for wisdom.

"All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song." Louis Armstrong. (1901 - 1971)

Things I've Learned

2011-09-19T16:00:00Z

I'm not asking enough questions and I realized it too late. Last week we lost a dear friend and former co-worker who passed away in her early 80's. Lori was a kind, gentle, soft spoken woman who was here at work making sure all the stations were spic and span even before we arrived each morning. It surprised me years ago when she mentioned in passing that she had seen a few good times in "honky tonks" when she was younger. There was a little gleam in her eyes when she said that but I'm not much of a conversationalist at 4am so I didn't follow up to find out more about her honky tonk experiences. I should have. Her daughter told me at the funeral that Lori's husband was a country singer and in the 50's they toured out west for years before coming back here. Now I can only imagine why her eyes were gleaming. We tend to take older people for granted. We shouldn't. They have some great stories and we're missing out.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-15T16:00:00Z

It doesn't matter how much medicine you have in your home. When you get a cold, there will be everything but cold medicine. I take that back. I did find what appeared to be about a ten year old box of that horrible tasting Alka Seltzer Plus. But when I opened one of the packets the tablets were discolored and dropped to the bottom of a glass of water like two dirty rocks from the beach. I've dropped dirty rocks in water before and they didn't fizz and these didn't either. So I had to chew them. Just kidding. I've just been coughing and blowing my nose a lot. I'll stop at a drug store on the way home and get overwhelmed by the selection and end up buying horrible tasting Alka Seltzer Plus again because I know what that is. Plus, I'll have medicine on hand when I get my next cold...in 2021.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-14T16:00:00Z

I am sick and tired. Not of anything. Just sick...and tired.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-13T16:00:00Z

I met a really cool wolf today. No, really. He was just a big, 'ol gentle, affectionate domesticated wolf that had ended up at a shelter as a stray. It's amazing how thin the line can be between a wild animal and a domesticated pet. I wondered if that's what the first pet was like and how startled that caveman's friends were when they dropped in and a wolf jumped up on them to lick their faces. It reminded me of a quote supposedly from Andy Rooney. I say supposedly only because anything remotely clever that has ever been said or written eventually ends up being attributed to that man. Anyway it's, "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

Things I've Learned

2011-09-12T16:00:00Z

There's an old saying that to assume is to make an a** out of you and me. (ume) That doesn't stop us though. I mean its one thing for someone to see me and note the leather vest and bandana and assume I ride a motorcycle. It's annoying to keep hearing, "Hey, it's a great day for riding, huh?" But there's a pretty good chance whoever you're talking to wearing those items is a biker or wishes they were. However, it's really annoying when the assumption is way off. I have a friend who's something like 6 foot, 4 and she's tired of all the strangers who feel the need to ask her if she played basketball. No, she didn't. There's no law that says you have to play basketball if you're tall. Recently I've noticed another young woman with a similar problem who waitresses at a location where my bike often overheats and I have to stop and let it cool down. She's very pretty and fit and blond and often wears t-shirts that indicate she was on a championship team. I've heard more than one patron ask if she was a cheerleader. No. She played hockey. I think she should check them when she gives them their check. Perhaps we can apply the baby head rule here. That, of course, is the rule that stipulates you should never ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see the baby's head coming out. Don't ask a woman if she plays basketball unless she's dribbling and don't assume she's a cheerleader unless you can see her pom-poms.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-09T16:00:00Z

Chronic Lyricosis. We've all had it. That's when you think you know the words to a song but you're actually singing it wrong. Perhaps the greatest example of all time is the sixties song, "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix. The actual line is "excuse me while I kiss the sky," but a lot of people thought it was "excuse me while I kiss this guy." The lastest example, and maybe it's just me, is the song "Pretty Girls" by Iyaz with Travie McCoy. The line is, "there's a lot of pretty girls in this city" but I keep hearing "there's a lot of pretty cows in this city." I'm hoping it's not just me. That would be a truly disturbing side effect of growing up in the country. Maybe I just hear moosic differently than other people.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-07T16:00:00Z

Jessica had a story this morning about how the overall number of people smoking continues to go down. I mentioned how quitting smoking is like giving yourself a raise because you have more money in your pocket that you're not spending on cigarettes. I always hesitate to talk about it because when I was a smoker I hated all the "preachy" people. Still, I try to encourage anyone who wants to quit. It's hard to give them up but you have to just keep trying until you're finally over it. The first time I quit I lasted two years. Then I started again and the next time I quit I only lasted 2 months. But I quit again and it's been 4 or 5 years. I know I'm over it. I don't know if I'm really any healthier but I'm happier and have more money. It's that way with a lot of things in life. I got engaged but ended that. Then I had a son and quit again. I got engaged again and that ended and then I lived with another girlfriend. It's hard to give them up but I kept trying and now I know I'm over it. I don't know if I'm really any healthier but I'm happier and have more money.

Things I've Learned

2011-09-06T16:00:00Z

Sometimes you need to remember all the people you take for granted...like family...and in particular, sisters...wonderful, beautiful, and intelligent, understanding sisters.
So take a moment and let the world know how special your sisters are...not because you don't see them all that often and mistakenly think they have no idea what you're up to because they live far away in different states...and not because you can't remember what you've said or written in jest because your mind is shot and certainly not because your sister mentions in a text that she reads your blog that you've always kind of assumed no one ever reads. No, do it because it's the right thing to do. At least that's how I roll.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-26T16:00:00Z

Gone Fishing. And by that, I don't mean I've actually gone fishing...I'm just gone. And by gone, I don't mean I've actually gone anywhere. It just means I'm not here. And by here, I mean at work. I couldn't say I'm gone unless I was dead, but if I was...I couldn't say I was because I'd be dead. These are the kinds of things that run through my head when I really need to go fishing.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-25T16:00:00Z

You've got to make your own fun...and be comfortable in your own weirdness. Yesterday when I was leaving work I went through the door to the main hallway of the Boston Store and just as I came out an older woman with one of those walkers with wheels was shuffling by. I was slightly behind her, traveling the same way when I saw my friend, John, walking toward us. So I picked up my pace slightly until I got just ahead of the woman with the walker and then I lunged forward in slow motion with my arms spreading out to each side. John didn't pick up on that subtle piece of brilliance but I was howling inside because in my head it looked as if I was a sprinter in a track race leaning forward to hit the tape first and win. I wasn't making fun of her because she needed a little help walking...I'm probably not far behind her on that count. But I found it hilarious that there would even be an idiot walking this earth who would think of, let alone pretend, to beat a woman with a walker in a race. Seriously, who thinks like that? Apparently not John. I'm pretty sure she didn't notice either, but it would be even funnier if today when I leave she was out there again and tripped me as I tried to go around her and then lunged forward as if she was hitting the tape.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-24T16:00:00Z

I'm going to do something today that I hate...even worse, it seems like I just did it. It couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 years ago...maybe 4. That's right...I'm going to go spend perfectly good money on new clothes. I know...it's stupid. Of course, when a guy (and when I say guy, I mean a manly man who rarely does an honest assessment of what he really looks like in public) says he's going clothes shopping that means his underwear is falling apart. But it's more than that. I can't believe the crappy quality of clothing today. All my socks have holes in them already and I just bought those 9 or 10 years ago. Plus I apparently need to buy some new jeans. I don't know why the crotches tend to rip open after just a few years but Jessica saw the hole and something about the look on her face made me think that's socially unacceptable. Maybe it wouldn't have been a problem if I already had the new underwear. Who knows...

Things I've Learned

2011-08-23T16:00:00Z

When buying a new bulb for your motorcycle headlight never trust the parts department guy who says, "It looks pretty easy. I think you just need to take out these two screws." The diagram he's looking at came from another planet and their headlight assemblies are different there.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-22T16:00:00Z

Sometimes the best parties are the ones you weren't invited to. I stumbled into a birthday party yesterday at a West County establishment and they adopted me. At first I assumed the birthday boy was the old guy who looked like Santa Claus who was apparently getting a lap dance while standing up from a woman who looked like she was giving her first ever standing lap dance and really enjoying it. I was wrong. The birthday boy was her husband, but he was sitting over to the side being entertained by another woman. But the fun part was everyone was laughing and having a blast on a Sunday afternoon and they did their best to drag me into it all by plying me with beer, birthday cake and pizza. It reminded me of a party years ago at a buddy's house. It was outside in his family's backyard and his little brother's band was rocking hard. Problem was their house was right next to a picnic grove where a couple had just been married and was having their reception. After an hour of ear splitting music, I saw the bride and groom heading in our direction and I figured they were going to ask us if we could keep it down a little. Nah. They wanted to know if their party could join our party because we looked like we were having more fun. They did and it was a blast!

Things I've Learned

2011-08-19T17:00:00Z

Did you ever moon somebody and it wasn't even your idea? I had to get a shot yesterday in the lower back and that meant getting into one of those flattering hospital gowns. But that's not enough for this procedure. Those poor nurses have to open it up while you're on your stomach and prep the area after yanking your undies down. The thing is the band-aids I removed from my back this morning were a fair bit above the normal underwear line. I know they have procedure to follow but you've got to control your environment. We have big shades in the front windows of our studio and the only time they come down is when the rising sun is at an angle that is blinding us and giving us headaches. However, if some guy stopped, pulled his pants down, bent over and did the pressed ham thing on the window, I'm pretty sure the shades would come down...not a pretty picture. I'm just saying..

Things I've Learned

2011-08-18T17:00:00Z

I think I have a drinking problem. Later today I'm getting a needle shoved into my spine, (apparently I have a spine doctors love to shove needles into...it happens a lot) so I was told I could only drink "clear liquids" until 10am. I assumed that would be water, vodka and gin but it turns out it actually includes coffee...as long as you don't use creamer or sugar. That was very good news but apparently they've never seen the coffee I make. It's not even close to clear. Anyway, I emptied my cup at 10 and ever since then I've been reaching over every few minutes to pick-up the coffee cup that's not there. Hey, I don't HAVE to have coffee. I can quit anytime I want.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-16T16:00:00Z

I've got to be back down at Liberty Park this evening to introduce the groups again for "8 Great Tuesdays." Apparently they like to put the person up there who most hates being on stage in front of people. Some people are born to be in the spot light. I wasn't. Being on the radio from the studio is comfortable. It doesn't matter if a million people are listening. Being up in front of real, live people with faces is terrifying. That's why I have so much admiration for performers. Either you have it or you don't. People who don't tend to tell the crowd to grab personal body parts. (See blog from a week ago.) It's just because they're nervous. Years ago while emceeing a beauty pageant in Harborcreek I introduced a contestant named Danielle as Daniel. Ironically she and Levi later became friends. She still hasn't forgotten. I'll just go ahead and apologize right now for whatever I'll say tonight.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-15T16:00:00Z

It sure is nice seeing football on TV again. It has me thinking about my football days in high school...not because of playing, but because of all the neat stuff I saw from over on the sideline. There was this one time...at band camp...no wait, that was a movie flashback. There was this one time where we were playing a team with a very talented, very big, very mean linebacker. We (and by we I mean the guys who were actually out on the field playing) were running a play with a quarterback option. Chris Shaw, one of our running backs, had fanned out and our quarterback, Tim Tuttle could either throw the ball to him or keep it and run it himself. That killer linebacker was in the exact right position because no matter which guy ended up with the ball, he was gonna get clobbered. Chris was over by me (and by over by me I mean he was close to the sideline I was standing on with the other guys that sucked at football) and he was doing the internationally known double hand wave, palms toward Tim...which means, "Noooo, don't throw the ball to me." Even from 20 yards away I could seem the evil gleam in Tim's eyes as his headed nodded up and down, which is the internationally known signal for, "I'm not going to let that Neanderthal smush me," and he lobbed the ball over to Chris. Chris caught it and turned to run up field, only to find himself wrapped in the linebacker's arms and his feet churning away off the ground for that split second before he was savagely reunited with the earth. So boys and girls, the lesson here is that it's not necessarily a bad thing to suck at something.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-12T16:00:00Z

There was a picture in the paper today of one of the new dorm rooms at Edinboro University. Damn! You could fit two or three of my old dorm rooms in that space. Our dorm rooms (which you could only reach by walking five miles up hill) had just enough room for a bunk bed and two desks. Oh, and one motorcycle. But it was small...350cc. That didn't come with the room like the desks. To have that you had to have one young biker/scholar, a very understanding roommate and an upstate New York winter. Luckily both of us were skinny. It was a tight fit. You could park several big motorcycles in those Edinboro rooms, but be advised...it's been my experience that some schools consider motor vehicle parking in your room a reason to consider expulsion. Luckily my school was more concerned about keeping the Benjamin flow going.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-11T16:00:00Z

Saw a story today about a Delta Airways flight that had to return to Wisconsin because the passengers were freaking out about a bat that was flying up and down the aisle. Of course someone got video of the passengers ducking their heads and screaming. It reminded me of my bat experiences. The first time I had a bat flying around inside my house I was ducking, too...until it occurred to me that I was about a thousand times bigger than it so why was I the one scared? It finally landed on a brick wall and I used a Tupperware container to trap it and take it outside. My response was a bit calmer the next time. I was almost asleep when I heard a flapping noise in my bedroom in the dark. I flipped on the light just as he was coming back in to do another lap over my bed. As he headed back out I just got up and closed the bedroom door...figuring I'd deal with it the next day. (I have priorities and sleeping ranks way higher than wildlife management.) I couldn't find it the next day and never saw it again. I've always wondered if it found its way back out or it's still there and only comes out when I'm gone and has crazy bat parties with all his bat buddies.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-10T16:00:00Z

To err is human. To forgive, divine. That is so, so true. It's important for all of us to remember that and not be too critical when others mess up. For instance, maybe you've found yourself emceeing a round of beach ball musical chairs at 8 Great Tuesdays, where 80 beach balls have been thrown out in the crowd and everyone has to bounce them around in the air until the music stops. When that happens, whoever has a beach ball needs to keep it and see if the number on it corresponds with a prize. So maybe you're on stage and your voice is booming through the speakers and when the music stops you yell, "Okay everybody...grab your beach balls!" And maybe, just maybe you accidently omit the word beach. I wouldn't hold that against you. To err is human. It could happen to anyone.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-09T14:00:00Z

For some reason, people have never seen me as an authority figure. That was vividly illustrated yesterday just hours after I posted the rules for pushing people into the bay who feed the seagulls from outdoor bay side patios where others are eating and relaxing. After work yesterday I went to such a place and soon after two women and a little girl took the table next to mine. I think they did it on purpose just to flaunt their disregard for the bird-feeding guidelines I so clearly shared. After they ate, the little girl started tossing food scraps onto the patio and soon there was a cloud of sky rats screeching and pooping above us. She even tossed some on a nearby table, encouraging the vermin infested rodents with wings to land where people eat. Sure, I was bothered by it and now you're wondering if I followed the child food tossing protocol, which is to identify the horrible parent who allows that...slap them and push them into the bay. By their conversation I knew which of the women was the horrible mother and I deduced that she lived here, so that warranted not only slapping her and pushing her into the bay but holding her under for a while. Did I do it? No. She was bigger than me and looked stronger. You can use your discretion in cases like this.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-08T16:00:00Z

Okay, I come from Corning, New York where the glass museum is the 3rd biggest tourist attraction in the state. I understand tourism and making visitors feel welcome. I understand how much money they infuse in the local economy. You want them to tell their friends what a great and friendly place it is. Having said that, I think we need to start pushing some of these people into the bay. Specifically, those who think it's good, clean fun to feed the seagulls. (That's what they call our sky rats.) I mean, it's okay to feed them if you're off somewhere by yourself. That way you're the only one getting pooped on by the swarm of flying scavengers you've created. However, if you're sitting at an outdoor patio on the bay front where people are relaxing and eating, you should be pushed into the bay. Last week I witnessed two idiots tossing the sky rats French fries from their table. In addition to creating an airborne pooping squadron, the relaxing atmosphere is transformed into a frenzied screeching of flying rodents. Those people should be immediately pushed into the bay. It's the only way they're going to learn. If it's a child doing the feeding, you should determine who the parent is...slap them...and then push them in. If it's a local person doing it, you should push them in and hold them down for a little while. I'm just saying...

Things I've Learned

2011-08-05T16:00:00Z

Always read stuff that'll make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-04T16:00:00Z

Okay, I don't know who's been spreading rumors, but I wish you'd cut it out. Every morning I have to go through my email and delete dozens of offers for great deals on Viagara, Cialis and "enlargement" pills. On the other end of the spectrum, someone is apparently spreading the rumor that I'm a really trustworthy guy who loves to help strangers so a lot of Africans want to send me millions of dollars. I'm sorry, but I'm the last person you want to entrust money with because I'm horrible with numbers. Then again, I do know where you could invest in miracle enhancements.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-03T16:00:00Z

Okay people. Let's brush up on our vocabulary:

- Coffee (n.)- The person upon whom one coughs.
- Lymph (v.) - To walk with a lisp.
- Esplanade (v.) - To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Hope I've helped. Some people just sound stupid when they open their mouths.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-02T16:00:00Z

Life is a series of milestones. Some are good. Some are bad. Apparently I've gotten most of my good ones out of the way because the bad ones seem to crop up more often these days. The one that bothers me the most is my new found skill of forgetting beautiful women. It first happened some time back but now it's occuring at a dizzying pace. At Waterford Heritage Days a few weeks ago I was waiting at an intersection on my motorcycle and a blond walked by, lit up and said, "Hi, Craig!" I said, "Heyyyy...you." My mind was going, "Wow. She was pretty. I wonder how I know her." A few minutes later I had a much needed epiphany. Oh! That was Miranda. (Excuse: I had never run into her in that particular crosswalk before.) Last week while I was mowing my front yard a car drove by and the attractive female driver smiled and waved. I found myself thinking, "Wow. She was pretty. I wonder how I know her." A few minutes later another epiphany. Oh! That was Danielle. (Excuse: Her hair was lighter and longer than the last time I saw her and she and her boyfriend had only become my neighbors a year or two ago.) A few days after that I stopped at the place where I keep my big screen TV and the bartender said, "Craig, who was that pretty girl who was sitting next to you last night?"

"What pretty girl?"
"The one you bought a drink for."
"Uhhh..."
"She had blond hair and glasses."
"Hmmm."
"She was with her mother and brother."
"Are you sure it was me?"

It was me. The epiphanies are taking longer. I finally figured out who she was talking about but damned if I can remember her name. She used to work with Danielle, though.

Things I've Learned

2011-08-01T16:00:00Z

I think we've all used or at least heard the expression, "like a deer caught in the headlights." It's a shame that that's usually a bit derogatory...like deer do that because they're stupid. I understand it perfectly and so does anyone else who remembers the first time they had to go on stage with a spotlight on them. When that light comes on, you're suddenly alone and floating. It's so bright that you can't see anything and you find yourself wondering if you should "go toward the light." It must be the same for deer. This morning while riding my motorcycle in to work I saw a deer up ahead stepping out onto Rt. 5. My bike is pretty quiet (Loud Pipes Risk Rights) so the deer seemed surprised when I yelled out, "Hey, get off the road!" He looked up and froze. Fortunately I only go about 40mph at that hour (because of that very scenario) so I had plenty of time to grab the binders. I thought, "I wonder if it's like someone trying out for Broadway under those bright lights and suddenly you hear the director's voice from the darkness telling you they've seen enough." So I hit the low beam and yelled, "No really, I've seen enough. Don't call us. We'll call you. Thank you for coming." That's when the deer...looking kind of disappointed...turned and trotted off the pavement.

Yeah, I talk to deer at 3:45am. Doesn't everyone? Next!

Things I've Learned

2011-07-22T14:00:00Z

Aocdrndicg to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are. The olyn iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat lteetr be in the rghit pclae. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. If you can raed tihs, psot it to yuor wlal. Olny 55% of plepoe can.

Things I've Learned

2011-07-20T16:00:00Z

You know that strong man game they have at carnivals where you take a sledgehammer and whack the board to see how far up you can knock the puck thingy? They have one at Waldameer near the Ravine Flyer and we were broadcasting by it yesterday. Periodically it would bark out, "Come on...give me a whack." It also periodically declared itself to be "the most exciting game in the world." I'm sorry but that game and I have completely different definitions of "exciting." It certainly looked challenging but not that exciting. Even Monopoly is more exciting. Well, at least a certain variation of Monopoly...a distant cousin of a poker game that some people who are comfortable in their own skin play. What? You're broke and you just landed on Park Place? Now that's exciting. I would imagine.

Things I've Learned

2011-07-18T16:00:00Z

Soccer has come a long, long way in the U.S. I realized this yesterday when I stopped at a West County bar and both TV's were tuned to the U.S. Women's World Cup championship game. To truly understand how momentous that is, you have to understand that a NASCAR race was on at the same time! On the other hand, soccer in this country has a long way to go. I realized that when two guys in the establishment concluded that soccer games were best watched in highlight form with just the goals and the occasional female player who yanked off her jersey in celebration. One of those guys might have been me.

Things I've Learned

2011-07-15T16:00:00Z

With all the bikers in town, I decided to share this piece. I don't know who wrote it, but it attempts to explain what it's all about:

We are people that choose to live differently because we have special abilities. We can hear music in the wind. We smell perfume in the open air of the pine forests and watered valleys. We are people that can feel intoxicated by cold rain on our faces. Bikers are people that see the world in chrome and candy. Our artists paint with lacquers on a canvas of steel; sculpt masterpieces from blocks of aluminum. We are a union of people that still believe in the ideals of pride, integrity and brotherhood...that words like honesty, nobility and courage have not been lost to our ears. Most of all we are a people that choose to live by a code set forth by those that came before us. Freedom.

Things I've Learned

2011-07-14T16:00:00Z

More biker wisdom:

- Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they can hold everything you need.
- The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
- Never be afraid to slow down.
- Don't argue with an 18-wheeler.
- Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit.

Things I've Learned

2011-07-13T16:00:00Z

In honor of Roar on the Shore, some biker wisdom:

When you're riding lead, don't spit.
A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
49 degrees in January is a whole lot warmer than 49 degrees in July.
Only bikers really understand why dogs stick their heads out of car windows.

Things I've Learned

2011-07-12T16:00:00Z

I had to get some x-rays done yesterday and at the imaging center I went to a number of the women working there recognized my name and commented on how they listen in the morning. That was nice. Stuff like that makes you feel good. However, there are times you wish no one would know who you are. A good example was a visit I made to a hospital years ago to see a specialist. I turned in my paperwork to the woman working the check-in desk and after I had returned to my seat on the other side of the room; she stuck her head through the window and bellowed, "Are you the Warvel on the radio?" All the other heads in the room turned toward me as I reluctantly mumbled, "Uh, yes I am." I don't remember what the staffer said immediately after that, but I do remember quite well that a few minutes later she stuck her head out the window again and bellowed, "Mr. Warvel they're ready for you in the UROLOGY DEPARTMENT. Do you know how to get to the UROLOGY DEPARTMENT? To get to the UROLOGY DEPARMENT just follow the yellow line..." That's all I remember. I tend to only remember the fun stuff.

Things I've Learned

2011-07-11T16:00:00Z

I went to a funeral over the weekend and it reminded me of this quote: "Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved."

Things I've Learned

2011-07-08T16:00:00Z

There's always something you don't know about someone. For instance, not many people know I was a butcher for a while. It didn't last long, though. I got fired after I backed into a meat grinder and got a little behind in my work.

Things I've Learned

2011-07-07T16:00:00Z

The reason marriage changes passion (from what I've heard) is because suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Things I've Learned

2011-07-06T16:00:00Z

Henry David Thoreau once said, "Men have become the tools of their tools." Is that just a polite way of saying, "Men are tools?"

Things I've Learned

2011-07-01T16:00:00Z

Ah, the 4th of July...fireworks...it always reminds me of when I first discovered my very own father was a rebel without a cause...and a smuggler...and my mother was an accomplice! My dad taught me the importance of working hard and being true to one's self. My mother pounded in that you must always be honest. Well, most of the time. The exception came during one of our trips to Canada. We used to spend a week each year at a cottage owned by a distant uncle, up on the Bruce Peninsula, near Tobermory. One year on the way back...and subsequent trips afterward...we stopped and bought some "real" fireworks to take home. By real I mean they were illegal in New York, much like here in Pennsylvania. They were under my seat in our giant, fake wood grain panel station wagon and when the border agent asked if we had anything to declare, my dad said, "No." Gasp! And mom didn't make a peep. Who knew parents could lie?! I felt like the son of Jesse James. (The old one, not the new one.) In a weird way it underscored the importance of honesty because of how nervous I was sitting on top of the illegal contraband. And that's why I've never gone over to Ohio to buy "real" fireworks. Do they have "real" ones over there? I don't even know...because it's against the law...and that's not the way I was brought up.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-30T16:00:00Z

If you're thinking about having an affair, at the very least, consider what your friends and acquaintances will think when they see a picture of your lover in the event you get caught. (Don't believe me? Ask Arnold.) Then again, looking back I think that might be why a number of women told me, "No."

Things I've Learned

2011-06-29T16:00:00Z

Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-27T14:00:00Z

Getting poked on Facebook doesn't help anyone, but getting poked at the Community Blood Bank saves lives...AND it may give you gas. I'll be there today from 11 to 1 and it would be great to see you, but you can save lives at your convenience and your chance of getting gas continues through July 9th. Stop in and check it out!

Things I've Learned

2011-06-24T16:00:00Z

Babies are nature's way of showing people who aren't morning radio show hosts what the world looks like at 3am.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-23T16:00:00Z

Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff. Well, sometimes. Use your best judgement.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-22T16:00:00Z

The distance from the shop where you dropped off your motorcycle to the place where you're going to wait for your son to pick you up is considerably farther when you're not covering it at 35 miles an hour.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-21T16:00:00Z

Ladies, if you're looking for the perfect date, think Mr. Potato Head. He's tan, he's cute and if he even looks at another woman you can rearrange his face.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-17T16:00:00Z

I'm feeling good about myself. I didn't forget to wish my dad a happy Father's Day this year. Sorta. My whole family was in town yesterday to celebrate my parent's 60th anniversary so I took the opportunity to wish my little sister a belated happy birthday (it was Monday) and my dad an early happy Father's Day. He said, "Good enough." That's how we roll. I thought I had taught Levi the Warvel way but last year he put a cruel twist on it. He knows I like scotch on the rocks so he sent away for "whiskey rocks." They're actual rocks that you can freeze and then put in your glass so your drink is chilled without getting watery...pretty cool. They arrived and that's when he told me had actually ordered them for Father's Day. Wow, I was impressed. Then he told me he had decided to give them to a buddy of his instead for that guy's birthday. Oh. Then he left them sitting on my kitchen counter for weeks so I could see what I didn't get for Father's Day every day. Like I said...cruel. I hope we're back to the Warvel way this year and don't do anything.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-16T16:00:00Z

Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-15T16:00:00Z

We had a going away party last night for a co-worker from one of our sister stations. It was a lot of fun and she'll be missed. It reminded me of when I left another station I worked at for 17 years...and the fact that there's a BIG difference between going away and go away!

Things I've Learned

2011-06-14T16:00:00Z

After working 10 hours you don't feel blogging. Oops.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-13T16:00:00Z

I came across a list of "overused phrases dumb people use," including:

- "It is what it is."
- "I'm not a happy camper."
- "You can't win for losing."
- "I could care less."

But where is the one that drives me crazy?

- "See how you are?"

Somebody explain to me what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks THAT's supposed to mean!? No, really. It makes you wonder if those people are working hard or hardly working.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-10T16:00:00Z

Flatulence is an emergency vehicle that transports you to the hospital after you've been run over by a steamroller.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-09T16:00:00Z

There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-08T16:00:00Z

My whole family is going to be in town next week celebrating my parent's 60th wedding anniversary. If you see us out and my mother has had a couple of glasses of wine, do not ask her what the secret is to a long marriage. You DO NOT want to hear the part that comes after, "And you've got to keep your s** life interesting..." Well, at least I don't want to hear it. Ever. Again.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-07T16:00:00Z

I saw an article online today entitled, "What's a Sports Star without a Nickname?" They talked about everybody from Refrigerator Perry to Randy "The Big Unit," Johnson to Shoeless Joe Jackson to Magic Johnson. Not to brag, but I had a nickname in high school. They called me Crazy Legs Craig. That was a tip of the hat to my unique approach to hurdling the hurdles in track. I think I still have some cinders imbedded in the palms of my hands.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-06T16:00:00Z

The level of public affection ex-girlfriends show you is directly proportional to the level of intoxication she's experiencing and the proximity of her husband, accelerated by his degree of muscular development and propensity toward violence. (From what I've heard.)

Things I've Learned

2011-06-03T16:00:00Z

Okay. It's officially summer in my mind now. When we first started promoting the rib-fest last week it seemed like it was happening way too early, but that was due to the crappy weather we were stuck in. This afternoon it was definitely summer on Perry Square as I bought a half-rack and smothered it in barbeque sauce. It also gave me an idea. I never understood Levi or all the other guys his age that put all that goo on their heads to make their hair stand up. It seems like the sticky, stiffness would bother you but it's not so bad when it smells like rib sauce. I know this because most of mine ended up in my beard and mustache. Mmmmm.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-02T16:00:00Z

Guys, if you find yourself attracted to a buddy's girlfriend, under no circumstances do anything about it. If you have to, look directly up her nostrils whenever you talk to her. That makes anyone ugly.

Things I've Learned

2011-06-01T16:00:00Z

Some people don't know what gross is. One of our co-workers put a note on the refrigerator that said it was getting gross and that she was going to clean it and throw out anything that looked forgotten. If she wants to know what gross really is she should look at my refrigerator at home. For that matter, she would just have to look at my home. A few years ago I had a cable problem and the repair guy said he needed to come inside. Before he stepped into the house, he slipped some paper booties over his feet and I said, "What's a matter...are you afraid your shoes are going to get dirty?"

Things I've Learned

2011-05-31T16:00:00Z

Reason #241 why I love Erie: Not to brag, but I like to think I'm a pretty good complainer, so I felt right at home when I moved here. I think it was August and one of the first things I noticed was people in the check-out line at the grocery store predicting what a horrible winter it was going to be. I was impressed...they were good! However, yesterday I actually heard a guy in a biker bar complaining that it was too hot to ride! Huh? It never gets that hot. I'll bet last week he had been complaining about the cold and rain.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-30T16:00:00Z

Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't. Some can't.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-27T16:00:00Z

Everyone is talking about Kim Kardashian's 20.5 carat engagement ring. That reminded me of the engagement ring I bought for my last ex-fiancé. The jeweler showed me the diamonds that fell in my price range and I guess you could say they were a bit smaller than Kim's. Then he showed me a noticeably bigger diamond (although still a tad smaller than Kim's) for about the same price and explained that it had a small flaw. I put that magnifying eye thingy in and he pointed out the little bubble and said he could mount it so it was less noticeable. I was sold. I met a buddy for a drink and he was impressed with the ring. Then his niece walked in and she glanced at it and said, "It has a flaw." She didn't even have an eye thingy on! Some guys just aren't cut out for buying engagement rings. It only took me a couple of times to learn that.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-26T16:00:00Z

Have you ever really, REALLY wanted to slap a stranger just for being stupid? Boy, I did the other day. I had stopped at an establishment where bikers with dry throats can treat their condition. On the television was live coverage of the Casey Anthony trial. That's the 25-year old Florida mother who's accused of killing her two-year old daughter. In his opening statements, the defense attorney claimed the little girl had drowned while swimming and that Casey's father had helped cover up the accident but later "threw his daughter under the bus" while trying to avoid charges against himself. The guy sitting to my left apparently had never heard that common phrase before and thought it referred to the victim's father literally throwing her under a bus. He got fixated on that and kept saying stuff like, "He should be on trial. Throwing someone under a bus is murder. At the very least the bus driver should be questioned. Even with a bus you'd feel something if you ran over a body." I was screaming in my head. I considered explaining it to him but realized that was bound to become a lengthy, aggravating endeavor that would give me a headache. The scary part is that people like him can end up on juries.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-25T16:00:00Z

I'm not sure who first noticed this, but he or she was right. If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. Squirrel!

Things I've Learned

2011-05-23T16:00:00Z

One of our regular callers is a long time listener and a very innocent soul. She's an older woman and was a bit upset about all the chatter last week about doomsday, according to that California nut ball. She called in this morning and the first thing she said was how glad she was that we were talking. At first we weren't sure why she said that and then we remembered the whole rapture thing. It reminded me of the time my sister and niece were on a flight that experienced some kind of problem. The flight crew had everyone get in the emergency position, bending forward with their heads down. The jet landed smoothly, without incident but when they stopped my niece looked up at my sister and asked, "Are we dead?"

Things I've Learned

2011-05-20T16:00:00Z

Women's magazines give out lousy advice. You know the articles like "How to hit on a guy without looking like a pickup artist." For example, one piece suggested tripping and when he helps you to your feet, saying, "So this is what a knight in shining armor looks like." Bleh! Really? I'll tell you what works. Being blunt and graphic...then we get it. For instance, a girl once said to me, "- - - - - - - -." (It's too blunt and graphic to repeat here.) But I will say it worked.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-19T16:00:00Z

Pizza and chocolate chip cookies don't go together. I was so sure of this I assumed it to be a basic truth. However, you may also have recently noticed the TV commercial for Digiorno Pizza that touts their pizza and cookies combo. Huh? Well, it turns out that Nestle owns Toll House and bought Digiorno from Kraft recently. No kidding...but still, huh?

Things I've Learned

2011-05-18T16:00:00Z

I've brought up the stupid, new trend called "planking" that involves lying stiffly; face down...taking a picture of it...and then sharing all this crazy fun on U-tube, Facebook or Twitter. At least it's popular in Australia which has made me lose considerable respect for my mates down under. On the other hand, I do remember one less than inspiring moment my buddy, Doug, and I had in our younger years. We were at Letchworth Park over in New York which features a very deep gorge. There was a flock of vultures slowing circling in the updraft by the canyon wall so Doug and I decided we should try to get them to land by lying on the ground and pretending to be dead. We didn't fool the birds but we did fool a group of elderly women who were approaching that outlook and screamed when they saw us. So I guess I can understand stupid. Hmmm. I wonder exactly what the guys in Australia are doing right before "planking" seems like fun.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-17T16:00:00Z

Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt at 60mph can double your vocabulary. I caught one in my mouth once, but that just left me speechless.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-16T16:00:00Z

Don't let the weather get you down. Over the weekend I received a very strong sign! I've always been fascinated with hummingbirds and look forward to their return each spring. Those little critters weigh less than a penny yet they spend their winters all the way down in the Gulf States, Mexico or even South America. That's a long trip and they've got to be hungry when they get back so I always have my feeder out long before I've seen one. As of Saturday I hadn't seen any but I stopped at the Avonia Tavern and saw the next best thing. Wolf was there. He's a guy who lives down around Pittsburgh somewhere but he captains a charter fishing boat up here and this was the first time I'd seen him this year. Wolf is a big guy...a really big guy. So it struck me as kind of funny that I was looking at him like he was a hummingbird. It was my first sighting and it made me happy. And get this...Sunday morning when I came downstairs and looked out at my hummingbird feeder in my front window, what do you think I saw? It was an itsy-bitsy bird whose wings were moving at about 70 beats per second and it made me think of a really big guy fishing. Anyway...that's good news. Summer is almost here!

Things I've Learned

2011-05-10T16:00:00Z

I'll share a quote with you that I know is true. I'm not positive but one source attributed it to Franklin P. Jones: "Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."

Things I've Learned

2011-05-09T16:00:00Z

While describing his wife's journey from smoker to rabid anti-smoker, a buddy of mine once said, "Yeah, she reached sainthood rather quickly." People are like that. A co-worker who just bought a motorcycle came in today and asked me if I had ridden mine in. I said, "No." He said, "You're no biker." I said, "It was 43 degrees in Girard at 3:45 this morning. I could see my breath. Say, you live in town don't you and don't come in until 9?" He quieted down. It reminded me of another guy a number of years ago who decided that he, too, was going to start riding. He and a buddy bought Harley Sportsters. One day they swaggered into Avonia Tavern and said, "We hope you don't mind that we parked our Harley's next to your Honda." I said, "No not at all. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. All the girls I know who ride Sportsters really like them." They quieted down, too. (All kidding aside, it doesn't matter what you ride. Get out there and enjoy yourself...unless you have one of those training-wheel kits on a bike. Then it matters. You should be ashamed of yourself.)

Things I've Learned

2011-05-06T16:00:00Z

"It's who you know and what you know." - Harold P. Shaw.

Those were words of advice I received from Harold P. Shaw, from "Rah-in-ham, Note Caralina." It was the late 70's. He was a long haul trucker and I was a college student hitch-hiking home. I know...hitch-hiking is dangerous but if I hadn't been I would never have met Harold. Okay, to be honest, I'm not really sure that was his name but that's how I remember it. He said it proudly and graciously told me that if I was ever in trouble with the law in "Rah-in-ham, Note Caralina" to tell them that I knew him. He was a generous man, too. Not long after I climbed up into the truck he reached back in the sleeper, pulled out a six pack of warm beer and asked me if I wanted one. I declined. But if you think that was above and beyond, he also asked me if I wanted to try driving an 18-wheeler. That would have been so cool, but he had stopped the rig to make the offer while going up a long hill and I didn't think that would be the best place to try my hand at it. When I declined that as well, he said, "It taint nuthin' but pushin' an pullin'." So he's who I know and that's what I know. I like to think he helped make me what I am today...a little weird.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-05T16:00:00Z

It may seem like the world is really messed up but remember...things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-04T16:00:00Z

It's important to try and keep your brain working faster than your mouth. For instance, when an acquaintance walks into an establishment with his two kids...and you didn't even know he had kids...and you comment on how darn cute they are...just stop there. Don't follow up with, "I didn't know you adopted." Sometimes I have trouble stopping.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-02T16:00:00Z

I just noticed something. A buddy of mine always gives me a motorcycle calendar each year. This year for the first time, it has girls in bikinis posing with the featured bike each month. Maybe it took me five months to notice because I think the bikes are hotter than the women, but I just discovered that in every picture the model is wearing high heels with her bikini. (Okay, there was one exception. There's a girl lying on top of a bike without shoes but I guess that's because she doesn't need them because she's not standing.) What woman puts on her bathing suit and then says, "Oh, I'd better grab my Manolo Blahniks if I'm going swimming."? I've been to my share of beaches and I've never seen a bikini wearing woman clomping around in stilettos. On the other hand, it does remind me of the old Peninsula Inn which was a bar at the bottom of the hill before you enter Presque Isle. They had a wooden board walk that went out over some of the beach and it was a total hoot to hang out on a Friday or Saturday night and watch girls in their carefully chosen outfits trying to navigate a wooden sidewalk without catching their heels in the slots between the boards. They looked kind a like zombies staggering along. It's funny what triggers good memories.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-29T16:00:00Z

If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar or eat in a restaurant. Go to the liquor store or grocery store then go home.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-28T16:00:00Z

Everything is relative...like pain and automotive suspension. I've suffered from chronic back pain for years now and thought I was reaching the limit. But yesterday I had to go to Cleveland for a test that involved sticking a needle into my spine, squirting in dye and checking it out with a cat scan. The procedure left me with twice the back pain, plus a new searing pain down the right leg and a pounding headache. They insisted you had to have a "responsible adult driver" so you wouldn't get behind the wheel afterward and since I figured the "responsible" part of that was just a suggestion, I got Levi to drive me. If you haven't been that way lately, I-90 in eastern Ohio is in horrible shape. They've got some big repair projects underway so they're addressing it, but there are some places where you feel a little like you're off-roading it. You wouldn't think a pick-up truck's suspension could ever been considered smooth or almost luxurious, but you don't fully appreciate the ride you get in a 2002 Dodge Dakota until you've made that same trip in a 1995 Jeep Wrangler being driven by a 25-year old lunatic. There is a huge difference. Everything is relative...and I learned that from a relative.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-26T16:00:00Z

My Grandpa Warvel was an outdoorsman and a man of deep thoughts. He died when I was young but to this day I still carry the best advice he ever gave me: If you want to catch a squirrel...climb a tree and act like a nut. Oh great. Now I'm getting all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-25T16:00:00Z

When it comes to yard work it's safe to say that I'm the white trash on my road. It's better, though, than it was when I first moved out to Warvel State Park. I rented the property at first and being lawn-mower-less the landlord let me use his run-down push mower. That was nice except the yard is almost an acre. I don't think it was ever completely mowed...just sections at a time. By the time I got it all cut the portion where I first started was getting overgrown. It was a constant struggle so the day I got home and discovered the whole thing had been neatly mowed I was delighted. I remember thinking what kind of wonderful neighbor would do this? All this came to mind because I just saw an article about how a run-down or messy house nearby can cost you some serious money if you're trying to sell your home. The guy on the other side of a small field between our houses was trying to sell his house back then. It was probably just a coincidence.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-21T16:00:00Z

I know you've heard the warnings but with Easter upon us they bear repeating. Don't buy your children live chicks...or even worse...a bunny. That almost always ends sadly for the animals and speaking from personal experience, it's usually disappointing for the child. When I was a kid my mom and dad actually gave me a live bunny for Easter. For days I followed him around waiting for him to lay some chocolate eggs but all I ever got were those horrible tasting little raisin things.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-20T16:00:00Z

When attempting to make stir-fry for the first time, make sure your bathrobe is closed in front. Oh, and it's in your best interest to be aware that any ice that has formed in your frozen stir-fry mix tends to explode when it hits hot oil. Every scar has a story.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-19T16:00:00Z

Okay. Is it just me or is anyone else creeped out by the Direct TV ads that show Benjamin Franklin's face being morphed onto the faces of real people? It's his head shot from the 100 dollar bill so it has a greenish tint and a lot of lines in it and they don't just use it on guys. At the end of the ad there's a girl in a short dress swaying her hips back and forth while her Benjamin Franklin head sports earrings and a subtle, come hither smile. I'm deeply disturbed by that. I'm not sure if it's because I'm developing a fear that I might someday wake up next to a woman with a Benjamin Franklin head or it bothers me that they're not giving proper respect to the man who wrote, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Things I've Learned

2011-04-18T16:00:00Z

It used to be that there were some universal standards when it came to hand signals. For instance, while standing on the side of a road, if you've got your arm extended with your hand in a fist, except for your thumb sticking out...you were asking for a ride. That's the international sign of hitch hiking. Always has been...always will...although you don't see too many people hitching anymore. There's "V" for victory...or peace with two fingers. Of course the modified "V" using all the fingers is for Trekkies. Arm up and hand in a fist means solidarity and power. Elbow at right angle, hand open and straight up with fingers together while your limp wrist is rotating back and forth means you're a princess waving. Showing someone the back of your fist while extending your middle finger usually means you're about to regret doing that. They're all timeless. I could go on and on. But I've noticed one signal that has changed...or evolved if you will. Both hands in front of your face with your thumbs and forefingers creating a rectangle, while tapping one finger up and down means "picture taking"...IF you're over 30. Under 30 it's one hand up in front of your face...in a fist...tapping your thumb...once...usually while one eye is scrunched closed. Cell phones...they're confusing our non-verbal communication. Ironic, huh?

Things I've Learned

2011-04-14T16:00:00Z

Hey, here's something people always seem to forget: Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. Not my words...George Bernard Shaw.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-12T16:00:00Z

I just heard a commercial that reminded me of a Zen moment I had with a car salesman. I know...you're going, "Huh?" Actually it was a car saleswoman and she was good! I was in the lot, just looking, but I already knew the model I wanted to get. However a very sporty looking different model had caught my eye and that's when she zoomed in. She was an older woman who reminded me a little of my mother. She said, "You really like that one, don't you?" I said, "Nah, I was just looking at it. I wasn't familiar with that one. What I'm considering buying is [insert other more basic model here.]" We walked over to one of those and she was giving me information about it but noticed me looking back at the other one. She had a glint in her eye when she said, "It wouldn't kill you to take that one for a test drive. They're a lot of fun." Sure, I thought, what's the harm in that? (I believe that's what salespeople call putting you in the saddle. It's very effective.) We were heading down the highway and she said, "Turn here," taking me down a twisty back road and she urged me to give it some gas. As we were plummeting down a hill toward a fairly sharp right hand curve I started to down shift and brake and she said, "No. Speed up." That is NOT something my mom would say. I got back on the gas and was pretty sure we were about to wreck a brand new car but it went through that curve like it was glued to the road. The glint in her eye had changed to the look a fisherman gets when he knows he's got one hooked. She was right. Sold! I tried to pretend like I was still thinking it over but there was a hook in my lip. I'm sure they all use that trick but with my pseudo Mom sitting next to me urging me to be what felt like reckless everything suddenly went into slow motion with beautiful music and fluttering flower petals and I thought, "This was meant to be. This car and I belong together." I was at peace...and back in debt...kind of like being in love.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-11T16:00:00Z

There are two kinds of people...those who seize a beautiful day like Sunday to do yard work and those who ride around on their motorcycle and look at people outside doing yard work. They talk to each other about it at 5:30 the next morning.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-08T16:00:00Z

I've noticed lately that insurance agents sure like having their faces on billboards. It must be strange seeing your face 10 feet tall. That's a lot of face. I sorta had my face on billboards once. When I first came over to Star 104, then owner Rick Rambaldo, wanted people to know so he sent me down to the billboard place where they took my picture. I said, "If I knew this was happening today perhaps I would have spent more than 2 minutes grooming." The guy said, "Don't worry. We're actually going to draw you for these." I said, "Sweet! Can you make me all chiseled and ripped?" He just laughed so I had a feeling that wasn't going to happen. A few weeks later I saw the first billboard. It proclaimed, "Warvel's on Star 104, Erie's #1 Hit Music Station." I was reclining...on a star...next to the logo, not unlike Cleopatra on a barge, and was wearing a 104 t-shirt. I was right about them not drawing me chiseled and ripped. The head, which did look like me, was this giant orb sitting on a nearly stick-figure body. I mean, the head was as long as the body and the arms appeared to have atrophied. Looking back it was pretty accurate. The head was a bit much but they got the arms right. You can't tell with those insurance guys. They're hiding under suits.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-07T16:00:00Z

I saw a story that Will Smith and his son, Jaden, are going to star together in a new film about a father and son that land on earth 1,000 years into the future. My first thought was, "Man, I hope he lets his son have fun." My father and I didn't do much together, at least not just the two of us. I suppose we would have if I had been more like my nephew...who's a lot like my dad. Even as a child he'd follow my dad around, eager to help work on what ever project my father was doing. I wasn't like that mostly because of that word after "help" and before "on" in that last sentence. My dad did try once, though. Unfortunately it came right smack dab in the middle of my "I hate my life now because you moved me to Indiana in the middle of my 4th grade year and then got me glasses so I'm the new, nerdy kid in a place I don't like anyway so I'm going to make your life miserable" phase. Now that I think about it, that's probably exactly why he took me golfing...trying to find some way to make me happy. Poor guy. It didn't work. He's got an engineer's mind...all mathematical and black and white. I've got my mind, which is what ever the exact opposite of his is. He tried to teach me the game in a way that only made it seem like work to me and after I threw down my clubs in frustration he said, "If you're going to act like that, then get off the course." I did. We never played again. Well, not together anyway. I've gone out a couple of times since then and was surprised to find that what he did manage to teach me stuck with me. I've always wondered how it could have turned out if he had made it a little more fun for a kid and a little less instruction. Maybe we would have found out if we weren't both so stubborn. That's one thing we have in common.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-06T16:00:00Z

It's been interesting watching everyone tip-toeing around Maksim Chmerkovski falling while dancing with Kirstie Alley on "Dancing with the Stars." I understand that no one wants to bring up any kind of weight issue...especially after George Lopez's insensitive joke earlier. However, I think it's safe to assume there were some physics involved. I know about this because I was once partnered with a woman who was much larger than me and that didn't work out well, either. I had taken a course to be certified as a life guard in high school and part of the final test was in the pool. One of the instructors pretended to be a struggling swimmer and you had to go out, get them turned around and under control, swim them back to the pool's edge and pull them out. I got paired with "Betty." "Betty" was a big girl...a really big girl. She had to be a good 8 inches taller than me and probably out-weighed me by more than 100 pounds. I swam out and discovered that she was so big I couldn't do a proper cross chest carry without my right hand ending up firmly on her left breast. I ended up pulling her back with my arm around her neck as I recall. I'm surprised they didn't flunk me just for that. But then we got to the part where I had to pull her out of the water. No one has ever used the words "muscular" or "strong" to describe me. I was probably at my physical peak back then but it wasn't nearly enough. After vainly struggling to lift her up I hissed under my breath, "Jump!" She pushed off the bottom just enough that I got her out of the water. I don't know if she was embarrassed but I can assure you that under those circumstances the guy is really embarrassed too because his manly manliness has been compromised...in public! I thought Kirstie handled it with grace and dignity. I'm betting Maksim has been beating himself up.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-05T16:00:00Z

Women are very, very, very patient. I know this because of "Just for Men." In one of their commercials which I seem to see every morning about 3am while I'm getting ready for work, there's a knock on a guy's door and he looks through the peephole to see a hot woman, who talks to the closed door and says, "Can I borrow some milk?" The slightly gray-haired but handsome guy says, "Uh, yeah...sure...just a minute." You know he's a bachelor because he opens his refrigerator and there's only a bottle of beer and a Chinese take-out container. You may not know this, but that's the law. We're not allowed to have a refrigerator stocked with anything else. Oh, and that moment is when it apparently occurs to him that while he has a lack of milk he has more than enough gray hair. So he jumps off his 3rd floor balcony and lands on the top of a passing truck, then does a back flip off of it when it conveniently passes the store. Bachelors are like that. He runs in and grabs a box of "Just for Men," goes to the checkout and as an after thought, remembers to go grab a gallon of milk. Whew. Presumably he somehow jumps on top of another truck heading back toward his apartment because in the next scene he's applying his "Just for Men," which allows him to remove as much of the gray hair as he wants. Finally he opens the door holding the jug of milk and she looks pleased like she didn't already know a slightly gray-haired but handsome guy lived there...I mean, why do you think she came up with the lame, "Can I borrow some milk?" excuse anyway...and she smiles and coyly offers, "Pancakes?" Whoo boy, you know things are going to get interesting when batter, butter and syrup are involved. So anyway, I figure all this has got to take at least 15 minutes, probably more, so that's how long the hot woman has been patiently standing and looking at a closed door. Women are amazing that way. Oh, and I also learned that you think about some pretty weird and/or stupid stuff at 3am.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-04T16:00:00Z

It really pays to know which of your friends not to trust. I learned this from my first radio Program Director, bless his soul. To give you some background, this is the guy that decided to hire me after an interview in which I described how large certain parts of his little sister's body were. (I had gone to high school with her and he had brought up the general subject and I hadn't learned yet that many people in radio don't use their real names.) Anyway, he wasn't right. He gave me my start in radio, he became a good friend and he was, overall, a good person, but he had a wicked, somewhat mean sense of humor. I learned this early on when I was waiting for a woman to show up for a news interview and he kept walking by me and almost whispering, "Don't shake her hand." He did it more than once and basically I was just confused. The receptionist called my extension to tell me she was there and I walked out to see a tall, pretty blond. As I walked toward her she extended her hand and said, "It's nice to meet you." As I started to shake her hand I glanced down and saw that she had what I'm guessing was a birth defect where a couple of fingers seemed to be fused together. Because of the whispered seed my P.D. had planted in my brain I hesitated for a split second before I shook her hand and I know she had to notice it. God knows what she must have thought of me. I'm guessing that wasn't the first time someone acted stupid but I still feel bad about it. What was I supposed to do...explain that my boss had a bizarre sense of humor and was in the other room having a laughing fit over making me look like a boorish jerk? Just remember you can like someone without trusting them.

Things I've Learned

2011-04-01T16:00:00Z

Every week there's something that jumps out for me. It might be something I didn't know...something inspirational...or more likely than not, something funny that appeals to my sense of absurdity and appreciation of stupidity. This week's selection is a quote from comedian Shane Mauss: "Somersaults. That's how I roll."

Things I've Learned

2011-03-31T16:00:00Z

Just saw a survey about the people women have fantasies about. The largest percentage, 57%, said...uh, I can't remember what was number one. Coming in second was some other guy. Then there were a bunch of other responses. 36% said they fantasize about someone inappropriately older. Then there were some other people. I'm just saying.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-30T16:00:00Z

You know what I think would be a really fun job? Wouldn't it be a hoot to write those prescription information sheets? In particular, the possible side-effects portion...I mean, they have to be making up some of that stuff just to mess with people. One medication I had warned of "coffee-ground like stools." Huh? I was just given a new prescription for my lower back pain. The doctor said it was originally developed as an anti-seizure medication but they discovered it also knocked down pain. My back has been getting progressively worse for years so I told her I'd try anything that might help. I picked up the medicine, took one and hoped my back would feel better. I sat down and read the information sheet and near the top of the possible side effects list was, "may cause back pain." Somebody is yucking it somewhere.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-29T16:00:00Z

So I've decided to grow my beard back. It was removed a couple of years ago in a makeover that was done for a magazine article. I kept it off because I reasoned that perhaps the fact that it had turned a different color than the rest of my hair made me look too old. This business I've spent a lifetime in skews young. Most of my co-workers seem to be about half my age and in this fragile economy you don't want to give anyone an excuse to push you out. Yeah, I know. There are laws against that, but Mom always said, "Better safe than sorry." What she didn't say, though, was having a clean shaven face doesn't make you look younger any more than the guy who has a comb-over looks like he has a full head of hair. Someone once wrote that we shouldn't try to censor the lecture the universe is delivering to our bodies. I quote that sometimes to sound like I'm a deep thinker. So I'm proudly going back to being the bearded guy I had been since high school. To heck with anyone who wants to pass judgment! Be true to yourself! Throw caution to the wind!

(Okay. Actually I think it's mostly a case of laziness. I hate shaving. Either that or I got tired of looking at my face...plus you fit in better in biker bars.)

Things I've Learned

2011-03-28T16:00:00Z

Most men's fantasies are pretty predictable. In fact, they're almost boring in their lack of imagination. Two women, right? Good luck with that. It's been my experience that women don't really like sharing with another woman. But that doesn't stop guys from thinking that it could actually happen and they imagine that it would be pretty exciting. Well I'm here to tell you it's not. There's nothing exciting about two women impatiently waiting for you to take your clothes off. I found that out this morning. I don't know, maybe it would be different if they weren't doctors and you weren't in an examination room.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-25T16:00:00Z

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-24T16:00:00Z

When I'm elected dictator there will be a federal law that annoying people are prohibited from complaining about anything that annoys them. The funny thing is the most annoying people not only don't have a clue that they're annoying, they actually think they're intelligent/entertaining/witty/insightful. There's a guy who regularly stops in at one of my newer haunts and always puts money in the juke box. I'm guessing he went to high school in the 50's because he always plays the same songs from that era. That's only slightly annoying but that's not good enough for him, so he loudly claps like he's trying to get everyone else up and dancing to the party in his mind and he also likes to loudly sing along to some of his 60-year old songs. Fine. I can cringe and silently hope he gets it out of his system but yesterday he began a loud commentary on "Roar on the Shore." He was complaining that "all bikers" have "loud bikes" and "continually rev their engines." Then he inserted sound effects by standing there and going, "VROOM, VROOM, VROOM, VROOM" while twisting his imaginary throttle on his imaginary ape hanger handle bars. He'd stop for a moment until you thought he was done and then he'd continue, "VROOM, VROOM, VROOM, VROOM, VROOM!" No, I don't think annoying people complaining about what annoys them should be allowed. I wanted to set a good example so I called the bartender over and asked her to kill me if I ever turned into him. I instructed her to do it as soon as I started playing the same songs from the 70's over and over and clapping loudly. She said, "Don't worry. I'd definitely shoot you for that." I said, "No, that's not enough. I want you to violently hack me to death with a machete." She said she would.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-23T16:00:00Z

Apparently I'm not sure who I am. I do know I'm the predictable guy who prefers wearing denim shirts who is too cheap to buy them from regular stores. I'm the guy who periodically stops by the Salvation Army store (or as I like to call it...Sal Va's) and stocks up on shirts because they're only 3 or 4 bucks each. Wait; did I make it sound like the price was the important thing? I buy there to help a wonderful organization and also because it allows me to be unique despite being predictable. I once got a denim shirt there that was embroidered with the U.S. Postal Service logo, Cincinnati division. That one gave me lots of opportunities to lie to strangers. This last batch of shirts, though, was really unique. It included a couple of nice ones from LL Bean and Dickies and also a UPS NASCAR embroidered shirt that I didn't find out was a woman's shirt until I got home. I still wear it...it's just a bit of an adjustment getting used to the buttons on the left side. But the one that really stood out was a long sleeve denim shirt that has circular embroidery over the left breast pocket. Inside the circle is a baseball player swinging a bat. It's exceptionally cheesy. It looks like something you'd see in the 50's on a 7 year old's shirt. Here's why I'm not sure who I am. This morning I was looking at it and thinking, "Seriously, why is that baseball player on that shirt? It's an adult sized shirt. Why would a grown man wear something like that? He'd have to be some kind of dork." I was thinking all that as I was putting the shirt on and it wasn't occurring to me that maybe I'm a dorky, weirdo grown man. But hey, it's a wonderful organization.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-22T16:00:00Z

Love comes in many forms so sometimes you miss it. It might be the way your trusty dog is gazing into your eyes...when it's not even dinner time. It might be a girlfriend buying you new underwear for no reason at all...aside from the fact that the underwear you already had disgusted her. It might be a hand-knitted sweater from your mother or your dad saying, "Don't do anything stupid." Or it might be the cards you get from your sister and brother-in-law. I have a birthday card from my sister on my bulletin board at work. It's a picture of a guy standing in front of a full-length mirror while wearing floral print pants that are way too small and high heel shoes and underneath it reads, "Craig didn't see how 'getting into a woman's pants' was any kind of challenge." If that doesn't say love and "we're thinking of you," I don't know what does. My favorite card, though, came from my brother-in-law...who's an Episcopal priest. On the front was a picture of Jesus with his arms outstretched and the caption, "Jesus loves you." Then you open it up and the inside adds, "Everyone else thinks you're an ***hole." It's springtime. Love is in the air. No wait, that's snow. Never mind.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-21T16:00:00Z

You've never been to an honest to goodness redneck bar if you haven't heard these six words from a patron and the cute bartender knew exactly what to do. I heard this exchange yesterday in a dimly lit establishment off the beaten path somewhere north of Waterford: "Can I get a spit cup?" Okay, it wasn't actually an exchange. The hot little bartender didn't say anything. She just grabbed a plastic cup and a two or three cocktail napkins and placed them in front of him. FYI, the napkins go in the bottom of the cup to soak up the tobacco infused saliva he'll dribble into it. Hey, what's a guy to do? They don't have spittoons anymore.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-18T16:00:00Z

You can never understand everything. For instance, I don't understand algebra. I think I did at one point but I don't now. I don't understand cats and women. I certainly don't understand murder or the greed all American companies seem to subscribe to now. But one of the things that puzzle me the most is pen cap bender people. Who are they? Where did they come from? Why can't they control the destructive urge to bend the long, skinny part of a Bic pen cap out at a right angle? I'm sure you've got them where you work or, heaven forbid, at home. Why do they do it? I've thought about it a lot and the only possibility I've come up with is that it's similar to that joke about Viagra keeping old men from rolling out of bed.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-16T16:00:00Z

This is for St. Patrick's Day and it's one of 86 different rules presented by Modern Drunkard Magazine: "Never argue about your tab with a bartender. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jerk." Also, if you get shut off, just accept it. They don't just arbitrarily do that because they want to make less money. You're either a problem or they're just trying to protect you. I never understood the idiots who get angry. Years ago on St. Patrick's Day I ended up at my favorite establishment around 7pm and ran into a woman I knew. She ordered a drink and asked the bartender, who happened to be the manager and an old friend of mine, to get me another Guinness. The bartender said, "You can have a drink but Craig is done." I said, "Wait a minute. Am I slurring my words, am I being obnoxious, am I annoying other people or throwing my money around? Am I doing any of those things you're trained to look for?" She said, "No, as a matter of fact you're not, Craig. But I first saw you out celebrating this morning at 7am and 12 HOURS OF DRINKING IS ENOUGH FOR ANYBODY!!!" I had paced myself and eaten and even took a break in the afternoon, but she had a good point. I went home and I'm glad I did. When you're told you've had enough, just be happy you've got good friends. Be safe everyone.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-15T16:00:00Z

If you're in a coffee shop, bar or any place where people are talking, don't speak up if the topic is politics or religion. This is especially true if the person holding forth is full of it or just regurgitating what he heard on whatever biased television or radio program that mirrors his particular beliefs. Every fiber of your being will want to jump in with guns blazing but that's why there's the incredibly wise advice: Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-14T16:00:00Z

For as violent as our society is, both in entertainment and reality, we sure like to skirt the issue. It's very popular with animals. I love it when the game commission reports on how many deer were "harvested." Why don't they ever tell us how many were planted at the beginning of the season? If we can't use words like "killed" while reporting hunting tallies, perhaps we could use those words for plants instead. For instance, "Wow, you should see how many carrots I killed in my garden. Now I gotta skin 'em." We're even gentler describing the death of a pet. That can range from, "Fluffy went to live on a farm," to "we had to put her down," to "we put Fluffy to sleep." It's the same with people. They're "laid to rest." I'm no doctor but it seems like you're still breathing when you're resting or sleeping.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-11T17:00:00Z

Only bikers really understand why dogs love to stick their heads out car windows. It's important to note, though, that we have no clue about the sniffing thing.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-10T17:00:00Z

I sometimes wonder how much damage has been done to the next generation by all the efforts to protect them. You know, all the crazy stuff you hear about like not keeping score during games so there won't be any "losers," or all the politically correct limitations. In junior high school there was a popular wood shop teacher who was a real character. We referred to him as "father" and he called us the "brothers." One kid had a tendency to nod off while the good father was taking roll call. That always resulted in a chalk board eraser being hurled through the air and hitting the kid in the head in a big cloud of chalk dust. Very entertaining and the kid learned to pay attention. I had a teacher at one point pull me aside and strongly suggest I shouldn't pursue a career that involved math. I might have grasped it sooner or later but I don't think that negative advice greatly impacted my life. Another teacher made a huge deal in front of the whole class of me actually passing a science test...barely. Everyone thought that was pretty funny...including me. (Even more so when you considered I had to cheat to just barely pass. The teacher didn't know about that.) I'm just saying maybe we need to relax, quit sweating the small stuff and let life happen so we can enjoy it and learn from it. I don't have all the answers but you don't have to know that 2 plus 2 equals 5 to realize the way things are now ain't right.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-09T17:00:00Z

My mom used to always say, "It doesn't matter what people think of you as long as you know what you're doing is right." I think that's why I've spent most of my life not worrying about what people might be thinking about me. That, and of course, as you gain life experience you learn not to compare yourself to others because they're more screwed up than you think. Mom also would preach about taking responsibility for your actions. I have since learned that that's true only if you're not a Hollywood celebrity.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-08T17:00:00Z

There are people who don't have a sense of humor. Well...there are people who don't have my sense of humor. For instance when someone says something like, "My fingernail just chipped," I might say, "Maybe you have fingernail cancer." The other person often looks aghast as if I just wished something horrible upon them but it seems funny to me because to the best of my knowledge, there's no such thing as fingernail cancer. It's just a silly concept. Jessica is used to it. I wouldn't have said something similar if they said, "My throat hurts," or "my butt itches." Then there are people who probably do have a sense of humor but they're too busy being defensive. For instance, let's say someone was in your home...oh, I don't know...maybe getting a blood sample and she said, "I think I might have been here before." And I said, "I don't think so. Maybe you've got it mixed up with some other dirty home." She shot back with, "I never said your house was dirty!" Uh, I know that. But it is. It's the end product of a lifetime of bachelorhood. You see, I was just making a...never mind. That got me worried about all the times someone says something like, "Were you at the mall last weekend?" That's because I like to respond with, "No, you must have mistaken me for some other dangerously handsome man." That's funny because I'm not dangerously handsome but now I'm wondering how many people have thought, "Wow. He's really full of himself." No! You see, I was just making a...never mind.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-07T16:00:00Z

Getting older sucks and it can sneak up on you if you don't recognize the subtle signs. For instance, when you're younger and you need to hurry home to meet a girl named Tonya, that's a good thing. Whoo-hoo! When you're a little older and you need to hurry home to meet a girl named Tonya, it's because she's a phlebotomist. On the upside, though, at least now you have the experience to know that she's only using you to get at your blood. Anyway, I gotta go...

Things I've Learned

2011-03-04T17:00:00Z

A day without sunshine is like night.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-03T17:00:00Z

There are certain types of universally annoying people that you can find anywhere. Their king is Smile Guy. You've seen him. You've heard him. Perhaps you've been his victim. Pray to God you're not him. He's the guy who has appointed himself in charge of stranger's moods. Usually he targets a waitress or bartender although it could just as easily be a store clerk. She's doing her job but he always says, "Smile." If she doesn't respond in a manner he deems sufficient, he continues telling her to smile. He has no idea what kind of day she's been having, whether she's in physical pain, worried about a child or her spouse just died, but he's decided she'd better be smiling, damn it. Eventually she will smile just to shut him the hell up and that's probably what makes him repeat this annoying onslaught. His little, bitty mind thinks he has done something good because he made her smile and it's apparently incapable of picking up on the subtle nuances of the "shut the hell up" fake smile. The scary part is that Smile Guy has apparently been multiplying for years. They may all be different people but you can find him everywhere...from country to country, state to state, even business to business. Imagine if you could copyright the order, "Smile," and got a royalty every time it was uttered. Now that would make you smile.

P.S. - I think Smile Guy and Is It Hot Enough For Ya? Guy are related.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-02T17:00:00Z

Everyone's life experiences are different so if someone doesn't know something that is simple and brainless to you, it doesn't mean they're stupid...and it certainly doesn't mean you're better than them. They undoubtedly take other things for granted that you have no clue about. Having said that, I do have to admit I keep feeling like screaming at one of the establishments I sometimes stop at. They have a fireplace and during the winter they build a fire every day during the afternoon. I have to assume all the people who work there were city kids because being a country boy I started building camp fires when I was still a child. It's not rocket science although it will never be sufficiently explained why my parents weren't more concerned about me burning down the 100 acres of woods behind our house. What drives me crazy is when they bring out 3 or 4 big logs and light some crumpled up paper underneath and then seem surprised when the flames go out without the logs starting to burn. I've gently suggested kindling and after weeks of that I've noticed they've started adding some smaller wood underneath the logs but it's still too big. It was driving me so crazy that I almost went home to get a bunch of kindling together for them but fortunately I realized in time that that would be way too much like work. Instead I'm just taking comfort knowing that group of people will never produce an arsonist.

Things I've Learned

2011-03-01T17:00:00Z

You don't have to be good to be considered good. For instance, once you get the timing down you'll see the benefits of offering to help someone a split second after that help is no longer needed. They'll remember that you offered. Do you have a lead foot on the highway? Just make sure there's a car ahead of you driving even faster. It's the opposite of that old joke about two guys running from an angry bear. One quickly puts on his sneakers and the other says, "That's not going to make you faster than a bear." The other one says, "I don't have to be faster than the bear. I just have to be faster than you." And if, through no fault of your own, people start thinking you have too many bad habits...just make sure you surround yourself with people who are worse than you. Thank you Charlie Sheen.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-28T17:00:00Z

Zeroing in on and being totally focused on something can be a good thing...or a bad thing. It can be cute and funny or incredibly annoying and I think the determining factors are age and size. Last evening I was sitting in a tavern and families were coming in to eat. Two women walked in with the cutest little girl ever. I don't know if she was even three but as soon as she walked in she zoomed over next to me looked up with a huge smile and pointed at the wall. I looked to see what had fired her up and it was a bright green T-shirt the tavern was selling. Her mother said, "Honey, we're not buying any clothes right now." I thought the girl might throw a tantrum but her attention had already switched over to the lottery machine. She ran over in front of it and started doing a little dance. Her mom said, "Honey, that's not a jukebox." I was LOLing! But the day before at the supermarket two other females were totally focused and oblivious to what others were thinking and it wasn't cute at all. They were two elderly women who kept blocking every aisle I tried to go down. I know you lose some peripheral vision with age but you would think they've been in enough supermarkets over the years to realize there are other people there, too who want to pass by. Take your time and comparison shop but don't do it with your cart in the middle of the aisle and your big butts flanking either side of it. Each time I'd say excuse me, they'd look at me like I was being rude and reluctantly move over...just enough. I was CUMB! (Cussing under my breath.) If they had started dancing while standing in front of the dairy cooler it might have at least been cute, but noooooo.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-22T17:00:00Z

I wrote yesterday about how people need to be patient and understanding with one another because there are individuals out there who might not have instant recall. Not everyone has the super-human ability to immediately recognize others they have known for a long time and even worked with on a daily basis. I'd like to add that not everyone can instantly get another's name right. Here's an example...this guy I know got it in his head that an acquaintance's name was Greg. He sure seemed like a Greg, so when this guy I know would see him, he'd cheerfully say, "Hi Greg!" Well, one day Greg started yelling at this guy I know...rudely saying things like, "It's not Greg!! It's Craig! For God's sake, we have the exact same name! Why can't you get it right? It's Craig, Craig!" Yeah, I know...very little patience and understanding on his part. As I recall, Craig's feelings were hurt.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-21T17:00:00Z

People need to be patient and understanding with one another. When you move away from Erie and don't come back for a couple of months, you can't just assume that one of your former co-workers...who's looking straight at you as you enter an establishment...who's seen you there many times before...is immediately thinking, "Oh, look, it's 'Maria,' how nice that she's home. She's coming over to say hi." Some people's minds work differently. For instance, he could be panicking a little and thinking, "That woman looks vaguely familiar. Why is she walking straight at me? Why is she smiling like we know each other? Is there someone standing behind me that she knows?" I'm just saying...something like that could happen which would explain the stupid look on his face. You never know.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-18T17:00:00Z

When it comes to proms, women can get their picture taken all they want. Guys should avoid it if at all possible. It's the reason I love to go prom spotting and I'm so grateful I never had a daughter. Prom spotting is when you're in a restaurant and young couples come in and the girls are all dolled up...looking like a million bucks. They are relaxed and confident and comfortable in their own skin...which they're showing an awful lot of anymore. They look older and worldlier than they are. The boys, on the other hand, look like they're wearing a tux for the first time while lost in a strange wilderness, moving with that woodiness that comes with trying to fake that you're okay with something that scares you. I'll be at the Prom Expo at the mall this evening and if there are young men attending I'll pass along my wisdom: Don't let anyone take your picture. Tell them you believe that steals your soul. Twenty years from now they'll thank me. They'll still have a wonderful memory of that magical night. It just won't be accurate. In their head they'll be way more debonair and suave than they actually were. All a picture does is whisk you back to 1974 and remind you how drop dead gorgeous and timeless Molly was and why on earth did she ever date you to begin with? It will also remind you what a ridiculous haircut and dorky glasses you had. Pictures remind women of their beautiful gowns and make guys wonder why they ever thought plaid pants were okay. Not that our prom wasn't formal and I showed up looking like a golfer in an ill-fitting sport coat. It was just a completely fabricated example.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-17T17:00:00Z

I'm an idiot. I was reminded of that this past Monday as I sat in a doctor's office and looked at his computer. It was on some program written specifically for doctors so I checked to see if my first ex-fiancé's name was on it anywhere. We met back in Corning. I was a new guy on the radio just after college and she worked in a turn of the century ice cream parlor. I remember the first time I saw her...bending over to scoop ice cream. I fell hard and we started dating. She broke it off when she started college in New Hampshire to learn computer programming. That tore me up. A year or so later she called out of the blue and I immediately jumped back in. Then she broke it off. Then she called me back in. Then she broke it off. Then she called. We ended up getting engaged when she graduated and she moved here. Then she called it all off and moved to Philadelphia. The last time I talked to her she had called out of the blue...said she had changed and wanted to know if I wanted to get back together. I did, but I was tired of the on and off and I told her no. I showed her. We never spoke again but a few years later I got a letter from her and she brought me up to speed on her life. She had gotten a job in a doctor's office and noticed how he was clueless about the business part of it. She ended up writing a lot of programs for doctor's offices...even had her own consulting company. She was a millionaire and retired in her 30's. See sentence number one.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-16T17:00:00Z

There's a thin line between bullying and just entertaining yourself. In Junior High School I had a classmate, Harry, who was the poster child for bullying victims. He was small, skinny and geeky before geeky was even a word. There was another classmate, whose name I don't even remember, who was a bully and he was picking on Harry during gym class. Most of us were hesitant to do anything because the bully kid was a bit intimidating. That didn't stop my friend, Mike, though. Mike walked up and shoved the bully and said, "You think it's funny to pick on someone? Why don't you pick on me?" The second one was a rhetorical question. Mike was a big boy who ended up getting a full football scholarship to Cornell as a lineman. I had known Mike since grade school and I can't tell you how impressed I was with him standing up for Harry. Then again, Mike is the same guy that came up behind me in the locker room after football practice while I was busy in front of a urinal...grabbed my shoulders and turned me left...so I was then peeing on the guy at the next urinal. We'll just call that guy "Killer." He was one of the toughest guys on the team and he was not at all happy. But when he turned to punch the person responsible and saw that it was Mike, he quickly changed his mind and punched me instead. Mike thought that was very, very funny...like I said a thin line.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-11T17:00:00Z

It's funny how priorities change. Every year I get a couple of calendars from a friend of mine who owns a downtown eatery. He usually has a variety of styles ranging from country settings to motorcycles to beautiful, sweaty women in ripped and tattered apparel holding tools. I usually get the calendar featuring the latter to use at home so I can support hard working women who obviously can't afford to fully cover themselves. It's just the right thing to do. I also get one of the motorcycle calendars so each month at work I can look forward to a new, custom motorcycle to lust after. I did the same thing this year...got the girls for home and the motorcycles for work. But it wasn't until I hung up the bike calendar on January 1st that I noticed this year's edition had a girl in a bikini posing with a bike each month. Honestly, I had flipped through it when I first saw it and didn't notice the girls at all. I decided they're just there for the guys who aren't man enough to fully appreciate the sexy curves of a hot motorcycle.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-09T17:00:00Z

Even heroes can be lazy. I know this because I'm a regular blood donor. It's a good feeling knowing that every time you donate, you're saving lives. It doesn't take long and it's not a big imposition. I kind of think that if it involved running into a burning building, fighting a thug or taking a bullet, I wouldn't be doing that every 50-some days. But this is a chance to be a hero while lying back in a comfortable chair and then getting a snack. Don't let the whole needle thing be your excuse not to. At worst there's a quick little sting but the last two times I donated I didn't feel anything. (That's a fun conversation: "Okay, we're in." "You sure?" "Yes." "You might want to double check...I didn't feel anything." "Shut up, Craig.") The Community Blood Bank of Erie has been struggling to keep an adequate supply this winter so be a lazy hero. You can wear a cape if you want.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-08T17:00:00Z

Not everyone who is good-looking is really all that good looking...for instance, when a guy meets a younger woman. Jessica actually shared that theory with me. She said guys often give beauty credit when it's actually just youth. In other words, when a younger woman is giving an older guy some attention he thinks she's hotter than she actually is, just because she's young. I believe Jessica is right...although I'll probably continue to make that mistake. I've also learned that anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking. Plus, I've noticed there's some flaw with the cameras and video recorders today that tend to make guys my age look older and more wrinkled than they actually are in their own minds.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-07T17:00:00Z

I think I may have already shared this, but some stuff we were talking about this morning reminded me of it. We had a story about research that has shown how important the human touch is for reducing pain. One of the researchers said that might be why mothers can make a boo-boo quit hurting just by kissing it. That jumped out at me because of a phone call I got one day from Levi's mother when he was still a young child. She would not only kiss a boo-boo but then lightly blow on it to "blow the hurt away." Her call was to warn me of what he might blurt out. Apparently they were in a crowded supermarket and he whacked his knee on a shelf and started crying and yelling, "B***-me, Mommy! B***-me!" I informed her I only kissed boo-boo's and warned that if he ever said that to me in public I would simply walk away like I didn't know who he was. I think I would have, too but fortunately I never had to find out.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-04T17:00:00Z

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm the only one who's not moving along. The other day I got talking to some of the waitresses at a tavern about the shuffleboard game they used to have there. Those games are pretty rare now, mostly because they take up so much room. I'm not talking about the electronic ones. These were big, wooden boards about three feet wide and maybe 20 feet long. I remember the one at that tavern because I was playing on it the night of the O.J. Simpson slow speed chase. My new girlfriend and a couple of other friends were there and we watched the coverage for a while but we got bored with it so we started playing shuffleboard. It was funny because at one point the other people were "shushing" us for making too much noise. Apparently our talking and laughter were detracting from the sight of a slow moving Ford Bronco. After a while I left with my girlfriend to go back to my house and was surprised to find my former girlfriend there. She had stopped out to visit with my (our) dog Charlie and got caught up watching the O.J. coverage and stayed longer than she intended. It was awkward but that's probably why I remember it like it was yesterday. Fast forward to today. The former girlfriend is married. The new girlfriend is married. O.J. is in prison. The shuffleboard game is long gone. But I'm still stopping at that tavern. At first I was a little disappointed with where my life has taken me but then I added it all up. Married, married, incarcerated and gone. I guess I'm not doing so badly after all.

Things I've Learned

2011-02-03T17:00:00Z

I have anger issues at this time of the year and I'm not sure if it's because I'm an intelligent man or my inner woman is offended. These issues stem from the fact that advertising agencies and the companies that go along with their stupid ideas seem to assume that everyone (especially the man) is an idiot. Actually it starts leading up to Christmas with television commercials that try exlain that importance is judged solely by the store Joe Schmoe buys his woman's jewelry from. You know the ads, "Oh, he got it at (insert store name here)!" That's because everyone knows the only real indicator of sincerity and true love is the particular store he bought an over priced gift at. But it gets even more insulting heading into Valentine's Day...in particular, TV commercials for pajamas and teddy bears. Who knew super hot women get very, very appreciative for cheap cotton P.J.'s and tiny little stuffed bears from New England. Apparently the bears make women loosey-goosey because they're wearing little costumes. What happened to the good 'ol days when belching "I love you" was enough? What? Yeah, I'm single. Why?

Things I've Learned

2011-01-31T18:00:00Z

The two best anti-depressants involve your face. The first is the wind on it while riding a motorcycle. The second is a puppy licking it.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-28T17:00:00Z

Every generation makes the same mistake...at least when it comes to music. I got thinking about this today looking at a fake billboard that stated: "Hip Hop. Just like real music, except for the profoundly stupid lyrics." It made me chuckle but I've seen this phenomenon over and over. I initially thought about it when my first boss in radio came into the studio and stated, "This ain't music...Tommy Dorsey...now that was music." I swore I'd never do that but of course I did. Every generation does. Your parents hated your music because they just knew it sucked/was bad for you/would lead to the collapse of society or whatever. You knew they were just old fashioned and clueless. The funny part is when each generation grows up and has kids and then they're telling them how their music sucks/is bad for them/will lead to the collapse of society, etc. I don't know how many times I've talked to mad mommies about the horrible songs we're playing and have pointed out that Elvis had crossed the line with his hip shaking and was poisoning all the kids and then the Beatles had crossed the line and were making a whole generation of useless druggies and then Heavy Metal crossed the line and was causing young people to become killers and now rap and hip hop are crossing the line with their language and sexual references. But last time I looked around, life is still going on and the world is still full of good, decent people. I can't wait to see what the newborns of today come up with when they're teenagers.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-27T17:00:00Z

You gotta love the "calling off work" voice. There's more drama in 15 seconds of that than there is in a three act play or a 2 hour "Lifetime, Television for Women" movie. Most times it's real drama...the product of a high fever, lack of sleep and/or a body's relentless effort to get everything inside outside. I heard it this morning when Jessica called to let me know she wouldn't be in. At first it didn't even sound like her because normally she's all bubbly and bouncy and full of optimistic energy. Hearing a weak, almost whiney voice squeaking out, "I'm not going to be able to work today"...and then apologizing for it was entertaining. We can't afford to call off sick if we're not sick and even when we are sick we feel guilty because we know how it impacts the other person. So I laughed at her and told her not to worry about it. But as we all know, there are plenty of people who have no problem taking time off they don't deserve. I used to work with a woman like that and her drama was not only annoying but somewhat disturbing. She would call me early in the morning and ask me to tell the office manager when he got in...mostly because she knew he hated her and would yell at her. Even though it was probably exaggerated if not completely made up she would always share information I didn't need or claim a day off for something other women don't usually share. I can't do it justice in print but you have to understand that it was always delivered in a nasally, whiney, drawn-out manner like, "I - can't - come - in - today. I've - got - DIE - UH - REEEEEEE - UH." Either that or, "I'm - having - my - PEEEER-EEEEE-UHD." Really? Thanks for calling.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-25T17:00:00Z

True friends accept you for who you are...even if you're a jerk. I know this because I still have a few friends. They're the ones who understand that if they call me and I don't answer there's a very good chance I won't be calling back even though that would be the polite thing to do. They also continue to invite me to parties they have even though they know I won't show up. Last week I saw real friends in action. I was at the Avonia Tavern watching the Green Bay game and a guy I know came in, ordered a beer and started watching the game, too. About 15 minutes later a girl comes in and yells at him, "Whadda ya doing!?" He said, "They have the game on. I wanted to see some of it." She said, "Well you could have mentioned that. I've been sitting out in the car wondering why you were taking so long." So she orders a drink and starts watching the game with us and about 10 minutes later a guy walks in and yells at both of them, "What are you guys doing!? Were you going to just leave me out in the car?" So he orders a drink and joking around I said, "Is that all of you or is someone else still out there?" My friend says, "Yeah, there's one more but since she hasn't come in by now she must be passed out." They all nodded in agreement and went back to watching the game. True friends.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-21T17:00:00Z

I was preparing a Quarter After Laughter that we'll play Monday and in it, the comic was describing the birth of his first child and how he didn't want to cut the umbilical cord. I know what he's talking about...ewwww! And who decided that the father needs to do that? For that matter, who decided to move us from the waiting room into the actual birthing room? Anyway, when Levi was born the doctor asked me if I wanted to cut the cord and I said, "No." She responded by sternly ordering, "Cut the cord!" So I did. And as I thought about all of this today I realized that every time anyone has asked me what that's like, I've always said, "It's like cutting off a finger but without the bone." But I just realized I've never cut someone's finger off. That's just great...another item I'll have to get to on my bucket list.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-19T17:00:00Z

Wow. Small world. Yesterday I mentioned actress Katey Sagal and how that reminded me of a story regarding Bette Midler. Today I found out that Sagal sang backup for Midler during a 1979 tour. I'm going to call it the Six Degrees of Cleavage.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-18T17:00:00Z

All men (other than me, of course) are perverts. I started thinking about this today because I was putting together tomorrow's celebrity birthday list and saw that actress Katey Sagal will be celebrating. You probably remember her as Peggy Bundy on "Married...with Children" and she just won a Golden Globe for her portrayal of a kick-butt biker chick on "Sons of Anarchy." I love her in that role so I "Binged" her to find out more about her and in the list of related searches it said Katey Sagal scar. You can't let something like that slide so I checked it out. Someone had asked if the scar between her breasts that you see on "Anarchy" was real and the site explained that a make-up artist has to create that for the show. My first thought was, "Yeah, I'll bet that make-up artist is a guy and the scar was his idea." I think I'm right because I remembered a story my old girlfriend, Michele had told me. She was the Broadway actress I was too stupid to marry. One of the shows she did was "Gypsy" and one night Bette Midler was there and came backstage to use the bathroom in her dressing room. She said Bette was surprised to see that the show technicians placed her little, cordless microphone under her wig. Michele said, "But you've done musicals. Where did they put your mike?" Bette shoved her hand into her cleavage and said, "Right there, honey. And they always want to check it to make sure everything is okay." Men...go figure.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-17T17:00:00Z

I don't know about everyone else, but it took me about 40 years to finally learn my limitations. Maybe I always knew in the back of my head but it took years of humiliation before I would admit them. That's because the front of my head always told me, "Sure, you can do this! It can't be that hard." You'd think the fact that I ended up bleeding every time I picked up a tool would have sunk in, but it didn't. It took years of guys (and women) who actually know stuff sadly shaking their heads at me and pointing out that if I had just called first instead of trying to do it myself it wouldn't have taken them as long nor cost as much. So at least I know I did the right thing about a week ago when I called my mechanic and said, "Hey Tom...remember when I couldn't figure out how to replace my left headlight bulb on my truck?" He said, "Yeah." I continued, "Do you remember showing me how you did it and saying something like, 'Now you know how to do it so when the other one goes, you'll be able to replace it yourself?'" "Yeah, I remember saying that." There was a slight pause, and then I said, "Well...that didn't work out so well." He chuckled and said, "Bring it in." Good 'ol Tom...and I gotta feel good about calling before I started bleeding.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-14T17:00:00Z

It was way back in high school when I first realized I didn't seem to really belong anywhere. I suppose that explains my life long loner tendency. And while that may seem a little sad it isn't because while I never felt like I was part of any given click, I was comfortable with just about all of them. The theater/music kids let me in because I used to play piano and French horn. (When I say "used to play" I'm really saying "tried to play.") The jocks accepted me because I played football and ran track. (Uh, tried to play football and run track.) The smart kids were okay with me because I was in National Honor Society. (I still don't know why.) The hippie kids let me in because...well, just because. That's not important. Anyway...this continued throughout my life. When I was doing news I was comfortable with the big hitters in politics and business even though that's not my thing. I'm equally comfortable in a fancy-schmancy restaurant and a red-neck bar. Country or city, it doesn't matter. However there is one thing I really have to work at and that thing happens this weekend. It's called Bridal Expo and Jessica and I emcee the fashion show. She's good at it. I am not. It's the one time each year when my neck is being choked by a tie and I'm standing on stage in a tuxedo. Stop by and listen to phrases like "Stephanie's creamy oyster shaded satin boasts an a-symmetrical design with a rouched, flounced hemline and corset tie-up back" being forced out of my mouth and you'll know women aren't the only ones who can fake it. And not to brag, but I can do that without crying or falling into the fetal position.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-13T15:00:00Z

When you're dealing with a baby it really pays to know which music soothes the most. Cranky kid? Put on the tunes that'll lull him to sleep. The problem is, music is very personal and infants are notoriously reluctant to tell you anything until they learn how to talk. So it's hit and miss to determine the magical music and don't expect it to always make sense. All this came to mind because I noticed that Sade's birthday is this Sunday. If you're not familiar with her, her name is pronounced Shar-day' and she has a very haunting, velvety style. It was no surprise to me that her song, "Smooth Operator," had a calming effect on Levi when he was a baby. The other artist that worked, however, was at the other end of the spectrum. If Sade didn't calm him down all I had to do was blast some ZZ Top. Yeah, I know. Who knew "Tush," "Cheap Sunglasses" and "Tube Snake Boogie" would help a small child go to sleep? Good luck.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-12T17:00:00Z

Driving all the way to Cleveland to let doctors hurt you the same way doctors here have already hurt you sucks. Driving back in a snow storm sucks more. And George Carlin was right...everyone who drives faster than me is an idiot and everyone who drives slower is a moron.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-10T17:00:00Z

When you get to a certain age (I'm told) you start getting a gazillion letters from AARP. At first that's disconcerting but you get used to just automatically throwing them all away. I understand it...you have to be a certain age in order to join so they have a solid number at which to start targeting you. However, now I'm wondering if there's some kind of "He doesn't look so hot" or "Man, his best days are gone" lists floating around out there because of the latest offer I got. Over the weekend I heard from a local cemetery that wanted me to know how great it would be to have a prepaid spot where I can take a dirt nap. I know I'm not getting any younger but it still caught me off guard. Advertising works, though. They've got me thinking. I had planned to get cremated and have my ashes spread in the ash trays of my favorite places, but I don't smoke anymore and some of my favorite places are smoke free now. Hmmm.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-07T17:00:00Z

Never ask a woman if she's pregnant. The only exception is if you can actually see the baby's head coming out and even then it's not advised. Like many things in life I didn't fully learn this very important rule until I had royally screwed up. It's bad enough if you ask a woman and she's not because you've just called her fat. But when I did it she informed me that she had lost the baby in a miscarriage...three months earlier. So I had reopened a wound and then called her fat. While we're at it, never ask a guy with a big belly if he's pregnant because that's a stupid joke he's already heard a zillion times...kind of like asking a biker during a blizzard if he's got his bike out.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-06T17:00:00Z

A good pizzeria is like a good hair stylist. Once you find one you really like, you're hesitant to try another unless you've had a couple of bad experiences...like pizza in your hair or hair in your pizza. I happen to enjoy both a good pizza place and the woman who cuts my hair and I believe there's a common thread. It stems from my pizza history in my hometown of Corning. My pizza place there nurtured my love of thin, greasy pizza. It was so greasy that if you stopped and picked up a pie to go, you had to put it on your car floor. Otherwise you'd get a big grease stain on your seats. This place was run by a girl I affectionately called The Greasy Pizza Lady. OMG! She had a classic large Italian nose and large...pies. I asked her out three times. She said yes three times. She stood me up three times. So I moved here and found a new pizza place and a hair stylist with large...mirrors. Life is good.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-05T17:00:00Z

You've probably heard the advice; never go grocery shopping when you're hungry. Poppy cock! If you want your life to be more adventurous go shopping when you're starving AND after you spent way too much time with that friend of yours who likes to do shots and won't take no for an answer. Trust me. You will find your home filled with all your favorite gastronomical delights and you'll feel like you've got a secret Santa. For weeks after you'll discover items in your cupboards you've never even tried and wonder how they got there. Granted, you won't like some of them and you'll spend way more than you should have, but it does broaden your horizons. Plus it makes you a better person by forcing you to wonder exactly how your mind works and reexamine some of the choices you've made in life. No need to thank me.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-04T17:00:00Z

I saw an article today about a Canadian father who was upset with his daughter's school and I started reading it expecting it to be another case of a teeth-gnashing parent wailing about how their child was being treated unfairly when in fact the kid should have been told to toughen up and walk it off. I was wrong. As a matter of fact, the school supposedly was telling the 6-year old to walk it off but she couldn't because she had suffered a compound fracture to her leg on the playground. Apparently the school thought the girl's shrieking was exaggerated. Boy did that take me back to my childhood. Warm memories...like in 2nd grade when I broke my nose and knocked myself unconscious when I ran into the monkey bars while chasing a girl. They just put me in the school nurse's office and called my parents. We didn't need no stinkin' ambulance. Then there was high school football. (No game injuries. I mostly just practiced.) One time during a drill I hit the running back so hard we both were out for a few seconds. I remember coming to with the coaches leaning over us, laughing and asking, "What's the matter? Get your bells rung?" As I recall, they told us to walk it off. Another time during practice after another guy's helmet smacked my chin the coach walked up and said, "Warvel, where's all the blood coming from?" I didn't even know I was bleeding so when I looked down and saw my jersey soaked red it caught me off guard. It turned out the collision had split open my chin. The coach said, "Maybe you ought to go have a doctor look at that." I rode my motorcycle to my doctor's office while trying to hold a blood-soaked gauze on my chin. That's difficult when you can't take your right hand off the throttle and periodically need your left hand to pull in the clutch. We didn't need no stinkin' ambulance! Our society is waaay too litigious now but looking back it might have been better if they had worried just a bit more about that sort of thing.

Things I've Learned

2011-01-03T17:00:00Z

Sometimes you don't know when you're being insulted. At least not right away. I just now discovered my own family has insulted me since I was a baby. They used to say stuff like, "When Craig was a baby, he looked just like Winston Churchill. If you had put a cigar in his mouth he would have been a spittin' image." Why on earth you'd put a cigar in a baby's mouth, I'll never know, but I never gave it much thought. I was aware, of course, that Winston Churchill was Britain's inspiring Prime Minister during World War Two but I never gave much thought to his appearance...until just moments ago. Some organization called The Foundation for a Better Life had sent us a CD that would help share inspiring stories and there was Winston Churchill's picture right on the front. Holy Cow, he was a homely, ugly man...a great and legendary leader but a homely, ugly little man! I've spent my whole life hearing that I looked like him as a baby! Apparently they were saying, "When Craig was a baby, he was a homely, ugly little man." What kind of family does that? Thank God that when Levi was little all people were saying was, "Gee, Craig, he doesn't look anything like you." Then again, maybe if I had stuck a cigar in his mouth...

Things I've Learned

2010-12-31T16:00:00Z

Your most memorable New Years Eve isn't necessarily your best one. My most memorable took place in the Big Apple. I've been there twice on New Years Eve and they both sucked. Of course that's just from my own personal "I hate huge crowds, big cities and being on my feet too long" point of view. The first time should have been great. It was back when I was still dating Michele, the woman I made the biggest mistake of my life with...twice. She was a Broadway actress and performing in Gypsy. They had a show that night but we had plans to meet up with some of her friends at the Waldorf-Astoria for a party there after she got done. Unfortunately Times Square was in the way. When that New Years celebration reaches capacity, the three-gazillion cops on hand shut it down. You can't get in...or through. So we had to walk about 10 blocks around it to get to the hotel...in the cold...in a steady rain...without umbrellas. It was horrible but memorable. In fact I still remember exactly what I said to her when we finally got there and sat down, dripping, in the lobby. I looked deep into her eyes and said, "Happy @#$!!# New Year."

By Request

2010-12-30T16:00:00Z

I was talking about some of these technological advances on the show this morning and a listener asked if I'd post them. These automotive options were compiled by Hagerty Insurance:

- Automotive Swamp Cooler -- These were popular from the late 1940s through the 1950s to help cool the interior of cars before air conditioning systems became readily available. Swamp coolers were available through the aftermarket and attached to one of the car's windows. These are highly collectible now and are commonly seen at vintage car shows.
- Highway Hi-Fi (16 2/3 LP Player) -- Developed in 1955 and offered as an option on 1956 Chrysler models, the Highway Hi-Fi had one big drawback: Drive over even the smallest of bumps, slam on the brakes or take a corner fast, and it would skip.
- Destroilet -- An optional "Destroilet" gas incinerator-type toilet was available for early 1960s Dodge motor homes, which was meant to simplify waste disposal. After use, when the top lid was closed, a small, thick metal lid would also close over the well at the bottom. A jet of burning gas would incinerate the solid waste and vaporize the liquid.
- Electric Shaver -- An electric shaver that was powered by the vehicle's electrical system was developed by aftermarket automotive suppliers in the 1940s and was an available factory option for a 1957 Chevrolet.
- Automatic Lit Cigarette Dispenser -- As a "safety" item, this was an aftermarket accessory designed to eliminate the distractions of lighting a cigarette while motoring down the road. Unveiled in the late 1940s, it was attached to the steering wheel.
- Steam Pressure Cooker -- This accessory mounted to the rear bumper to cook food while motoring down the road. It routed exhaust gases through the inner chambers of the cooker to provide the heat to cook the food. Yum!
- Steering Wheel Watch -- In 1958, a steering wheel-mounted watch was available on DeSotos.
- Trafficators -- Back in the days before flashing turn signals, a driver would flip a switch on the dash and a lit semaphore arm would swing out of a panel on the appropriate side of the car and signal the driver's intention to turn.
- Swivel Seats -- These seats, available on a '59 Chrysler, would automatically swivel out as the door opened to make it easier for the passenger to exit the automobile.
- Talking Car -- In the early 1980s, the Chrysler LeBaron talked. It would say phrases such as "Your door is ajar" and "All monitored systems functioning." If you followed the command of "Please fasten your seatbelt," it would promptly reply with "Thank you!"

Things I've Learned

2010-12-29T18:00:00Z

Every once in a while we play the "British Words Not Widely Used in the U.S." game. You gotta love that they call a car hood a bonnet! But every time we play it I'm reminded of a story a friend told me. Her brother was a journalist...for Time magazine, I think...and she had the opportunity to visit him in England. When he was at work one day she answered the phone and the man on the other end said he had some questions. She agreed to answer them as best she could but when he asked if she was wearing knickers she got a little confused. Apparently the conversation went a little like this:

Her: "Knickers? No, I'm not wearing those."
Him: "Really!?"
Her: "Yes. I don't even own any knickers."
Him: (Becoming a bit agitated.) "You've never owned any knickers?"
Her: "No, I've never worn knickers in my life. I don't even know anyone who has."
Him: "So right now...as you're talking to me...you're not wearing any knickers?"
Her: "No. Look, I gotta go."

She didn't find out until her brother came home that evening that knickers is the word the British use for panties. Let's not even get started on what they call cigarettes.

Things I've Learned

2010-12-28T17:00:00Z

Funny people have a different way of looking at things. Or maybe they're funny because they look at things differently. A woman I met a year or two ago and her boyfriend ended up buying property just down the road from Warvel State Park so I was chatting with her one day and asked how long she and her boyfriend had been together. She paused and then said, "Well, let's see. Our daughter is two. So I guess we started dating 2 years and 9 months ago." That there is funny stuff.

Things I've Learned

2010-12-27T17:00:00Z

Christmas traditions are very important. I feel sorry for people who don't have any. Traditions are the glue that connects all these special holidays together. I'm not talking about caroling or church or family dinners or fruitcake or watching kids bouncing off walls. I feel sorry for those people, too. I'm talking about my tradition of flat-out Christmas weirdness. For instance an early tradition was lying to Levi when he was a child. He really wanted me to put up lights and decorate outside until I informed him that we didn't have an outside electrical outlet. I think he was around 15 when he discovered that we did, indeed, have an outside outlet but by then the tradition had been established. Another one had to do with an eastside business. It's not Herman's anymore but for a number of years I had a Christmas morning tradition of stopping by that Parade Street establishment after I got off the air. I had discovered they were open Christmas mornings by accident but the idea of hanging out for a while with a bunch of curmudgeony old men appealed to me for some reason. I don't know if it'll become tradition but this year I had a unique experience. Oddly enough, it too involved a hole with water. Friends of mine who own an establishment had a party there Christmas day for family and friends and I was urged to attend. It was inspiring. It's always good to share special times with people who aren't quite right and I truly felt like I was with my people. This Christmas celebration consisted of food and drink and everyone showing up with Nerf guns and shooting each other for hours. The high point, though, had to be the fellow who was sportin' the Rambo look and making up lyrics about Vietnam and people dying and singing this non-rhyming stream of some kind of consciousness at the top of his lungs over the actual lyrics of classic Christmas songs. Okay, actually he was a little scary but it was another Christmas day I'll never forget.

Things I've Learned

2010-12-14T17:00:00Z

With snow upon us once again I got to thinking about the old days. Yes boys and girls...when I was a kid. We always had the radio on in the kitchen (it had just been invented) and we always hoped we'd hear that school was cancelled but I really don't remember that happening very often. If we didn't hear anything it was assumed that our bus would show up and cart us off into the blizzard. We certainly never called the radio station to ask, but then again, the telephone hadn't been invented yet and Al Gore was decades away from inventing the internet. I do remember at least a couple of occasions when the storm was raging so fiercely that we knew there wouldn't be any classes that day but Mom would still insist we put on our coats and head down our long driveway to wait in the dark for the bus that would never come. Did I say bus? I meant wagon. I don't know how she did it, but just as death inducing hypothermia was setting in, she'd yell from the house that they had announced school was cancelled and we could come back in. Now that I'm an adult I realize she, too, knew there wouldn't be school that day. She just wanted a few minutes of peace and quiet to herself since she was going to be stuck with us all day. I can't say that I blame her.

Things I've Learned

2010-12-10T17:00:00Z

Political correctness is boring. In this business we like to have fun and we share it. It comes naturally. So when you're suddenly instructed to turn it off, that can be a struggle. I used to work at a radio station that was housed in a small brick building near 18th and Ash. I guess that kind of made it like a clubhouse and we were all one big, tight family. But they decided they'd move us up to a television station the company owned so we got uprooted and planted in a whole new environment. The TV people were different...not quite as laid-back and comfortable with one another. The bosses actually told us radio people, "You better be politically correct there...no inappropriate joking around. You don't want to offend anyone." Problem was we brought along with us our part time receptionist who was a very pretty, young woman that I'll call, uh, Babette. Anyway, "Babette's" desk was located below the staircase up to the second floor where the radio studios were located. "Babette" and I had become good friends so when I was walking up the stairs one day and noticed that she had a fairly low-cut blouse on it didn't occur to me not to say, "Hey 'Babette,' I can see your navel from up here!" A couple of the TV ladies were standing by her desk and had looks on their faces like I had just strangled a really cute puppy. "Babette" was laughing, though. I wasn't talking to them anyway.

Things I've Learned

2010-12-09T18:00:00Z

Prosecutors are people too. I learned that years ago but not until the guy had a little fun at my expense. There was a local case where a man was charged with something that I thought was ridiculous. (Because it was.) Sorry I can't go into detail but Big Brother could be watching. Anyway, I might have been commenting on the air how ridiculous the case was and several months later I was sitting at the Plymouth minding my own business at that point when a guy in a suit came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey, are you that disc-jockey who was talking about how stupid that so-and-so case was?" I went off again, "Yeah! How ridiculous was that? Do those idiots really think they can charge you with *beep* for just *beep*? What's next?" He let me hang there for a moment and then solemnly said, "I'm the assistant D.A. who prosecuted that case." Awkward moment of silence. Gulp. I began stuttering some lame verbal retreat but he leaned in and said, "Just between you and me, you're right. That case never should have gone to trial." There was a twinkle in his eye but I'm pretty sure there was also an implied, "If you repeat that, I'll deny it."

Things I've Learned

2010-12-08T18:00:00Z

I will never be half the man my mom is. Yesterday I gave blood and for the first time ever, I didn't feel a thing when the nurse put the needle in my arm. It was almost creepy. She said, "Alright, we're in." I said, "Are you sure? You'd better double check." I thought maybe she missed my arm. For a split second I felt like a tough guy...like the hero in the movie stitching shut his own bullet wound. I'm not saying it's normally painful, but usually there's enough of a prick when they first insert it that I jump a little. I think that dates back to when Mom would pull out a sewing needle and dig around in our flesh to get a splinter out. "Dig" is the operative word there. She wasn't mean or uncaring. I think she just assumed her kids had the same pain threshold she has. We don't. At least I don't. My sisters might. They both had more than one kid. The only time I remember my mom admitting something hurt too much was the time she tried to get a root canal without Novocain. In her words, "Why pay extra for that? It only hurts for a little while." She did end up getting numbed up but I would have been a blubbering, whining, hot mess in the fetal position from just thinking about it. But you should have seen me yesterday at the blood bank! People probably mistook me for Chuck Norris...although he's probably half the man my mom is, too.

Things I've Learned

2010-12-07T17:00:00Z

I read a quote today, "The tooth fairy teaches children they can sell body parts for money." That took me back 20-some years. Levi had lost a tooth at my house one weekend so I suggested he leave it for the tooth fairy. He informed me that he thought maybe the tooth fairy really didn't exist. I said, "Let's find out. We'll leave it out and see what happens." The problem was I was dead tired and could barely keep my eyes open. So I told him he could sleep in my bed that night and I pretended to go to sleep, too. I almost did go to sleep but managed to hang on until I heard his breathing change so I got up and left some money in place of the tooth. The next morning he excitedly shook me out of a sound sleep to yell, "Dad!! There really is a tooth fairy! I didn't think there was but there must be because you went to sleep and Budgie (my dog at the time) doesn't have any fingers and someone left this money so it must have been the tooth fairy!" I was impressed with his grasp of deductions and awareness of the importance of an opposable thumb at such a young age, but I'm pretty sure that was the last time the fairy visited our house.

Things I've Learned

2010-12-06T17:00:00Z

As you grow older, you lose your invincibility. I'm not sure where it goes, but mine is gone! I was supposed to be in Cleveland this morning at 8:30 for some medical tests. As I checked the weather forecasts Sunday I realized it would be worse this morning after a night of lake effect snow and 35mph winds so I decided to head over yesterday morning. I figured it would take longer than usual and rather than risk missing the appointment I would get there the day before and get a room. I got on I-90 at Fairview and after passing just a couple of exits I had already witnessed a car sliding into the medium and at times was traveling at 25mph because of visibility...worrying about being hit from behind. That was enough. I wasn't going to white-knuckle it for the next several hours. I turned my four-wheel-drive truck around and headed home. What's wrong with that picture? 35 years ago I drove a death trap Ford Pinto with no snow tires through a blizzard for several hours just to go skiing and I didn't think twice about it. Then again, I wasn't thinking mostly because I had a smoking hot girl with me. Aww...I guess I've matured. It's overrated.

Dirty Dogs

2010-12-03T10:00:00Z

"Cosmo" tells you what they're really saying:

He says: "Call me on my cell phone. I never use my home phone."
Distilled Version: "Don't call me at home."
True Meaning: "I'm married or involved with someone."

He says: "I've never really had a true friend because I'm not outgoing."
Distilled Version: "I've never had a friend."
True Meaning: "When people get to know me, they run the other way."

He says: "I'm gonna hit the men's room again. Three times in an hour might be a record for me."
Distilled Meaning: "I'm going to the men's room for the third time."
True Meaning: "I use cocaine."

He says: "No one has ever understood me like you do."
Distilled Meaning: "No one has ever understood me."
True Meaning: "People don't understand me because I'm a mess psychologically."

He says: "I called eight times during lunch because I want to know where you are. I worry about you."
Distilled Meaning: "I called eight times during lunch."
True meaning: "I think I own you."

Things I've Learned

2010-12-02T17:00:00Z

By and large, people tend to look out for each other, even if it's a small gesture. And sometimes people know what's better for you than you do. About a week ago my septic pump alarm went off and it turned out that the pump was fried. I called the guy who last pumped out my tank and he came out and took a look. He unhooked the old pump and pulled it out and put in a temporary one. We talked about the options and decided on the type of new pump he would pick-up and install and he said he'd leave the temporary one so I could still shower and everything. I instinctively started to offer my hand to shake on it and he looked down at his...um...dirty hands and said, "You don't want to do that." By golly, he was right! I didn't.

Resistance Is Futile

2010-12-02T10:00:00Z

Men's Health asked "Which food is hardest to resist?"

- Sweets like candy or cakes -- Men, 23%; Women, 41%.
- Fast food -- Men, 19%; Women, 7%.
- Dairy foods like ice cream -- Men, 13%; Women, 16%.
- Snack foods like potato chips -- Men, 13%; Women, 13%.
- Fried foods -- Men, 13%; Women, 10%.
- Alcohol -- Men, 8%; Women, 3%.

Things I've Learned

2010-12-01T18:00:00Z

Okay, I hesitate to write about this because I don't want to appear all hoity-toity...like I think I'm better than other people. Plus, it has to do with Jessica. I love her to death and she's the best friend in the world so I don't want to seem like I'm claiming to be better than her or critical of the way she lives. However, I simply can't deny the fact that I'm much more refined and sophisticated. That doesn't mean she couldn't learn and try to aspire to my standards, but frankly I don't think she even wants to. That's okay. Some people are fine with the way they are. Not everyone can be a connoisseur and appreciate the subtleties of the things they're passionate about. Having said all that, what saddens me is that she seems incapable of understanding what is right and wrong. Maybe it's laziness but that woman won't even take the time to pick carrots out of her food before she just shovels it into her mouth! It can be soup or stew, it doesn't matter. She actually ingests them as if they belonged in food to begin with, which anyone with a little intelligence understands is dead wrong. If God wanted carrots in food...especially cake...he would have grown them together. Case in point...you'll find carrots on a ranch with chickens and that's why they're perfectly fine when they are eaten raw after being dipped in ranch...while you're having wings. I spent a good five minutes picking all of the carrots out of my shrimp gumbo because they didn't belong there. Like carrots and shrimp live together...please! I don't know...maybe I am just better than her. She can't grasp the concept at all. Don't even get me going on her and celery. Hey, if she wants to live that way...

What Women Want To Hear

2010-12-01T10:00:00Z

A female correspondent for "Men's Health" says the top three things women most want to hear from a man are...

- "I can't wait to see you."
- "I love waking up next to you."
- "I brought you something."

But what are they more likely to hear?:

- Yo, babe, could ya' tell me if this looks infected?
- So what if we're walking two miles to the stadium, you look damn good in those stilettos.
- Pull my finger.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-30T17:00:00Z

Mischievous people know how to have fun and they often do it just for their own, personal entertainment. But it's fun to watch if you know what they're doing. Two friends of mine come to mind. One is a former brew master who worked at Union Station when they first put a pub in there. There would be a couple of guys sitting at the bar talking during the afternoon and he'd pull out a newspaper and pretend to be doing a crossword puzzle. But what he was really doing was slowly pulling them in...asking if they knew a three-letter word for "banned pesticide" or a six-letter word for "thingamajig." After he got them invested in the puzzle he'd say, "Well, I'd better get back to work...leave the paper in front of them...and then watch with a gleam in his eyes as they took over and tried to finish the puzzle. For some reason he experienced great delight manipulating perfect strangers into doing something they had no intention of even starting. My other friend, Tequila Sheila, was a little more sinister. When someone would tell a joke she'd often see how long she could make them stretch it. Example:
Them: "This guy walks into a bar and..."
Her: "What bar was it?"
Them: "What do you mean what bar?"
Her: "What's the name of the bar he walked into?"
Them: (Slightly exasperated) "I don't know...uh, the Plymouth. And he walks up to the bartender and..."
Her: "What's his name?"
Them: (More annoyed) "Who...the bartender?"
Her: "No, the guy who walked in."
Them: (Turning red) "Uh, geez...um, Bill!"
Her: "Well since you brought it up, what was the bartender's name?"
Them: "God! Uh, Steve!
Her: "What color were his shoes?"
This would go on until she got bored or they exploded. Either way the gleam in her eyes was evil.

Wanna Impress Him?

2010-11-30T10:00:00Z

Dr. Ursula Van Heern gave this advice to "Relationships" magazine:

- Practice being independent -- It takes a lot of pressure off of men if they know you can make decisions on your own and they aren't going to suddenly find themselves in a situation where they have to take care of you.
- Don't play the dumb broad -- If you do that, he's going to believe you really are a dumb broad -- and then you can be stuck with the role. And do you really want a man who would want a woman like that?
- Dress well -- and that doesn't always mean dress sexy. Sure, men love garter belts, black-seamed stockings and stiletto heels. But save those for the right occasion.
- Don't worry if you don't look like a supermodel -- After all, you don't expect every guy you meet to look like Tom Cruise or The Rock. Just do the best with what you've got -- and don't pick your teeth with your fingernails. It's class that counts most, not looks.
- Be sociable and open -- If that hunk who's caught your eye sees you surrounded by a bunch of other guys, he's going to wonder what your secret is.
- Remember that guys like compliments, too -- If you like his cologne or something he's wearing -- tell him about it. And if you're really interested, you can compliment him -- even if you don't like his choices of cologne or clothes. (So I guess lying works.)
- Know when to put the cork in the wine bottle -- Drinking too much lowers inhibitions, and could make you say or do things you'll regret later.
- Be appreciative -- Say "thanks" when thanks is in order, and say it with a smile.
Ask about his hobbies and other interests -- While you're encouraging him to talk about himself, listen carefully and let him know you're interested -- by asking intelligent questions.
- Be relaxed and easy to get along with -- The more comfortable you are, the more comfortable people around you will be. Remember, he may be just as nervous as you are.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-29T17:00:00Z

Don't get in a rut...at least not with a crazy lady. Sure, psycho women are fun...at first...in some ways. Okay, maybe only one way, but ultimately it's not worth it. The tough thing is learning to instantly recognize them and in order to consistently do that, you usually have to suffer life-altering consequences with one or more of them. If you're lucky you'll develop a Spiderman-like warning system. That alerts you with a tingling spider sense just from observing one. You don't even have to talk to them. You just know. At that point, they're kind of entertaining because you can watch them wreck havoc on some poor, younger unassuming lad. Sure, it crosses your mind to try and warn him, but he wouldn't listen because he's concentrating on their "fun factor." I always imagine old bucks thinking the same thing during rutting season when the younger ones are running in front of pick-up trucks to get to the doe. Don't get in a rut is good advice.

Dangerous Food

2010-11-29T10:00:00Z

(Netscape) Many of our favorite foods are so dangerous they should carry a warning label that says: Eat at your own risk. TIME magazine assembled a list of the worst offenders:

1. Hot Dogs -- About 17% of food-related asphyxiations in kids younger than ten are caused by hot dogs that get lodged in the throat, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics.
2. Fugu -- Call this food roulette. Fugu, which is the intestines, ovaries and liver of blowfish, is served sliced paper-thin. Only expert chefs with special training that can take up to three years are permitted to make it. Why? Fugu contains tetrodotoxin, a poison that is 1,200 times deadlier than cyanide.
3. Ackee -- Known as the national fruit of Jamaica, ackee can cause what has been called Jamaican Vomiting Sickness, which can lead to coma and death. The unripe fruit contains a poison called hypoglycin; in addition, the black seeds that surround the ripened fruit are always toxic.
4. Peanut Butter -- If you're part of the 1% of the U.S. population that is allergic to peanuts, this little nut can be deadly. The American Academy of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology says it's the No. 1 cause of food-allergy deaths.
5. Leafy Greens -- Spinach, lettuce, cabbage, arugula and kale taste good and are good for you, but the Center for Science in the Public Interest identified 363 separate outbreaks linked to these leafy greens in 2009 alone. Of these, 240 cases were from restaurants. Contaminants included the Norovirus, E. coli and salmonella.
6. Rhubarb -- The rhubarb stalk tastes so good in pies that it's called "the pie plant," but beware! Ingesting a large amount of rhubarb leaves can cause poisoning. The Centers for Disease Control warns that the leaves should never be consumed--either raw or cooked.
7. Tuna Fish -- Whether it's a tuna fish sandwich on whole wheat in a lunch box or seared fresh tuna drizzled with wasabi-butter sauce at a gourmet restaurant, this is a favorite fish worldwide. It's also riddled with mercury, which can damage the nervous system and increase the risk of cardiovascular disease.
8. Cassava -- We know cassava as tapioca. This favorite pudding flavor comes from the roots of the bush-like cassava plant. If it's not properly prepared, cassava can produce a deadly compound: cyanide.
9. Coffee -- Drinking coffee is just fine--as long as you don't spill it. If that hot liquid hits your lap, it hurts and can even result in third-degree burns.
10. Mushrooms -- Beware mushrooms that grow in the wild! Many varieties are poisonous and potentially deadly, including those with these ominous-sounding names: Death Cap, Destroying Angels and Deadly Webcap.

Wanna Make Him Really Happy?

2010-11-26T09:01:00Z

Buy him gifts for his very own Man Cave. Mike Jakaitis, a reporter for WTOP News in Washington, DC, says there are five essential items:

1. A really big TV. It must be at least 40 inches.
2. A really loud sound system. Here's the test to determine if it's loud enough: Your wife must yell at you at least 10 times during the weekend to turn it down.
3. A really comfortable sofa designed so you can fall asleep on it within 10 minutes with a remote in one hand.
4. A bar. No space or money to build a bar? Get a mini-fridge.
5. Accessories that show off your manhood, such as sports, music or movie paraphernalia.

Just In Time For Holiday Get Togethers

2010-11-24T10:00:00Z

Mom's dictionary of meanings:
- Dumbwaiter -- One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
- Feedback -- The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
- Full Name -- What you call your child when you're mad at him.
- Grandparents -- The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
- Hearsay -- What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
- Independent -- How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
- Puddle -- A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
- Show Off -- A child who is more talented than yours.
- Sterilize -- What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
- Top Bunk -- Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
- Two-Minute Warning -- When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.
- Whodunit -- None of the kids in your house.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-23T16:00:00Z

Every parent wants their child to be better than them. Well, maybe not every parent but this one sure hopes so. I believe he will be...already is, in many ways...because I have a lot of shortcomings so he has a lot to work with. A comic in the paper today made me burst out laughing because it couldn't have summed it up better. A couple is standing in front of their young son and the father is saying, "Your teacher told us that you have a problem paying attention and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember."

Our Priorities Are All Wrong

2010-11-23T10:00:00Z

We have greater fear of the things that are less likely to happen, according to a recent survey conducted by Harris for the American Diabetes Association. The top five things we fear the most:

1. Being in a plane crash, 16%.
2. Snake bites, 13%.
3. Being hit by lightning, 5%.
4. Getting a disease, 5%.
5. A shark attack, 4%.

When further asked about their fear of disease, 49% of the respondents said they have a fear of cancer, while just 3% said they fear diabetes.

Thank God For Maxim

2010-11-19T10:00:00Z

The magazine came up with these handy ways to lull her to sleep:

- Recite dialogue from "Caddyshack."
- Show her your high school yearbook and point out your friends, enemies, and describe details of your school years together.
- Explain what MLB, NCAA, NBA, WWF, NHL, NFC, AFC, Navy Seals, RADAR, SCUBA, and NASDAQ stand for.
- Exhaustively describe your weightlifting history.
- Show her your baseball card collection and describe to her the monetary as well as the spiritual value of each card.
- Tell her a "really funny" story about something that happened to you but make it one you've told her before. As you tell it pause several times to laugh then go back to the start of the story. (This works great with Jessica.)
- Pop Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend into the DVD player and keep shouting, "He's the greatest white man ever to play the game!"
- Tell her your great screenplay idea.
- Show her how you can make the players on your hockey video game "bleed."
- Tell her about a problem you're having with your bass. Start with "I'd really like your advice..."
- Talk about the episode of "The Dukes of Hazzard" that made you want to move to Hazzard county.
- If all else fails talk about music or golf.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-18T17:00:00Z

Hearing a voice you haven't heard in many years is surprisingly powerful. This morning I heard an old friend's voice and it immediately made me smile. Believe me; I rarely smile at 4am. I had just gotten here and was checking my voice mail and there was my buddy, Doug. He was calling to wish me happy birthday and it brought back a flood of memories. I started sharing some of them with Jessica...the time he said, "Hey...why don't you get out and ride on the car hood?" So I did. (Don't ever do this, boys and girls. It's stupid and it's dangerous.) Then there was the time he said, "Hey, wanna see if we can walk across this frozen lake tonight without flashlights?" It had just recently thawed before a cold snap. That would be a stupid thing to do. So we did. (Don't ever do that, either kids.) Or the time he suggested we climb that tall, metal fire tower outside of town and we watched from the top as a storm rolled in. It was beautiful...until we realized the lightning was getting really close and it suddenly occurred to us that a tall, metal fire tower on top of a big hill probably wasn't the best place to be. (No on this one, too, boys and girls. It's hard to run down steep, narrow stairs in a timely manner while making sure not to touch the metal hand rails.) There was the time he drove me around...speeding...in his father's old Vega to cheer me up after another friend of mine had died. He didn't mention the brakes were shot until after we were underway. I still remember his big grin as he used the parking brake to slow us down. "Cool Huh?" Jessica shook her head and said, "He doesn't sound like a good friend." He was. He was the best. He could tell you about how I tricked him into throwing his shorts down a cliff we were about to climb back down and he got poison ivy all over his...um...self. There was the time I confessed to him that I had slept with his girlfriend, Sue, in college. Of course, he then asked me if I remembered Marilyn, a girl I had dated in college and shared the fact that he had done the same with her. That's just how we rolled. If I never met Doug I probably never would have learned to rock climb, water ski, downhill and cross country ski. I wouldn't have been exposed to sailing or Bully Hill wine or a number of things I can't really mention here. I was the best man at his wedding and then crashed their honeymoon the following weekend. I figured his new bride probably hated me but a few days later I got a card from her saying I would always be welcome in their home. He would have been the best man at my wedding if I wasn't always attracted to women who are too smart to go through with it. I used to always stop by, unannounced, at their home in Canandaigua, New York during my annual motorcycle trip but those ended years ago when my back problems developed. Man, I could go on and on but I'll just say this...if you've got an old friend you shared a lot with growing up and you haven't talked in years, give 'em a call. It might make them smile.

Dating Mistakes

2010-11-18T10:00:00Z

These are from ThirdAge.com:

- Being late. It shows selfishness and lack of organization.
- Being too serious. Relax, laugh and smile. Don't be so rigid that you look like you have nothing to offer.
- Talking too much. This is an awkward cover-up for your lack of confidence.
- Not listening. I said not listening.
- Blaming others. Like bosses, ex-lovers. Your date will think they're next on the list.
- Putting on false airs. Don't try to be someone you're not, because you won't be able to deliver on the promise later on.
- Being negative. People avoid downers.
- Gender-bashing. You're on a date. Save it for the girls' or guys' night out.
- Asking about money issues. Too much, too soon.
- Sounding desperate. "Gee, no one before you would ever ask me out" is probably not the best thing to say.
- Lying. Sooner or later, the lie will bite you on the butt.
- Being argumentative. Don't spout off about politics or religion right off the bat.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-17T17:00:00Z

I realized yesterday that my approach to birthdays was created long ago when I was still a child. Jessica mentioned it on the air once but we didn't make a big deal out of it so all was good. Later, though, I stopped at one of my favorite places and my friend who was bartending came up and told me one of the guys in the kitchen wanted to buy me a beer. (He had heard on the air that it was birthday.) She was puzzled, "Why did he buy you a beer?" I said, "I don't know." She wouldn't let it go. "Did you loan him money or something? Do you even know him?" I said, "I don't know why he bought me a beer, but you never say no to free beer." Of course I started analyzing the situation since it shouldn't have bothered me. I was surrounded by friends. Why didn't I want to share my birthday with them? At first I figured it was because it's not a big deal at this point in my life but then I remembered I had been traumatized on my birthday many, many years ago. We rarely went to restaurants, but on your birthday you were allowed to pick out what you wanted the dinner to be or where the family would go out to eat. We were at a nice restaurant when all of a sudden a waitress came out with a little cake with a sparkler on top and everyone in the place started singing happy birthday. I was quite shy as a kid and that horrified me. I crawled under the table until they stopped. So I believe that's why I still like it low key to this day. Oh, there have been times since then I've ended up under the table on my birthday, but that's another story...that I don't really remember.

Her Pants Are On Fire

2010-11-17T10:00:00Z

Askmen.com says these are 5 lies every woman tells:

1. I'm not mad at you. -- Oh, yes she is. In reality, she does care, very much so. What you should do: Save yourself some time and headaches later on by calling her on her real feelings and discussing why she's so angry.
2. I don't mind if you go to strip clubs with the boys. -- If this one sounds too good to be true, that's because it is. What you should do: You're probably better off just not going.
3. I'm just not ready for a boyfriend right now. -- The truth is, if the woman is single and at all interested in you, she will certainly make the time to date you. It's that simple. What you should do: Let it go. Don't bother letting her know that you see through it. Take the easy way out by pretending you believe her for your own personal dignity, and just walk away.
4. I don't mind picking up the tab tonight. You always pay anyway. -- Although this lie doesn't apply to all women, most still do expect men to pay for things, especially if the man asked them out in the first place. They will secretly think that the guy is cheap if he wriggles out of the bill on a regular basis. What you should do: In the early, critical dating stages, don't risk looking cheap.
5. You're the best. (Mommy/Daddy dance.) -- Face it, women tell guys whatever they think they want to hear, just to make them feel good about themselves. What you should do: You shouldn't be asking her to rate her experiences, period. That's just in poor taste.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-16T16:00:00Z

Every time I see a guy with a low-rider, I cringe. Usually he's an older gentleman and the part in his hair is low on the side of his head with thin, long hairs combed up and carefully arranged across the top of his bald head, practically glued down to keen them in place. Or he's grown what hair he has left in back as long as possible and combs that straight forward...again, practically glued down so the ungodly creation doesn't flop in the wind. Either way I want to scream, "You do know you're not fooling anyone except yourself, don't you!?" Instead, I just silently say a prayer asking to be struck down by lightening if I ever even think about doing that. The same thing happened yesterday at a downtown establishment I had stopped at after work. But this guy had a full head of hair. Well, actually it was a wig. He also had on make up, a floral print blouse, a mini-skirt and high heels. The heels, by the way, were a bit much since he was a tall man anyway and it was obvious he hadn't had much practice walking in them. I've seen those Springer shows where they bring out "girls" and you have to guess which are actually men and admit that I often get them wrong. But this guy made me want to scream, "You do know you're not fooling anyone except yourself, don't you!?" I'll never think about doing that, though, so I didn't have to say the prayer.

Reasons It's Great To Be A Woman

2010-11-16T10:00:00Z

These have been floating around for a long time so I assume they're true:

- When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.
- A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.
- Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
- If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.
- Women live longer than men.
- If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.
- There are times when a woman can make all her problems disappear with a piece of chocolate.
- A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
- A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.
- If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.
- Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.
- Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
- Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
- Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.
- A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.
- If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.
- If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.
- Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
- Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.
- A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-15T17:00:00Z

The true mark of a real man is being able to keep his head up and his pride intact even during the worst of times...to be able to remain optimistic when it seems that all is lost...to see a glass half-full when it is far below that. Weaker men...men without character...will make excuses for their shortcomings...but not the real man. No, he remains a Bills fan even when they get their first win of the season squeaking by a team that has lost a record 24 straight road games and still only beat them by 2 points. Join me my fellow other Bills fan as we raise our voices to the sky and chant, "We got number one! We got number one!"

Whatchew Lookin' At?

2010-11-15T10:00:00Z

According to "Glamour" magazine, these are the reasons women eyeball each other:

- 64 percent of women do a style once over.
- 58 percent wonder how that supposed superwoman balances her career, social life, family, love life and checkbook.
- 33 perceent assess career status in relation to age.
- 28 percent wonder if their family relationships are better or worse that other women's.
- 25 percent compare their educational pedigrees.
- 19 percent size up other women's financial stability.
- 14 percent check out romantic status.
- 14 percent sneak a peek at toned arms and legs.
- 14 percent compare their level of sexual prowess.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-12T17:00:00Z

We had a comedian on this morning talking about that JetBlue incident where passengers were kept on a jet for 12 hours, unable to take off because of the weather but not allowed to reenter the terminal. That reminded me of the time I got stranded on an Aeroflot jet. It was 20 some years ago when I had a chance to visit the then, communist Soviet Union. I was leaving after several weeks but when we boarded the aircraft we just sat there...supposedly because they were unable to locate pilots. It was awful...no air, crying babies, people who hadn't apparently showered recently...all topped with the faint smell of vomit. I was very tired so I kept sliding in and out of consciousness only to discover each time I woke up that we were still sitting on the ground. That went on for hours. At least that's how I remember it. I was tired because the new friends I had made...Natasha, Sasha and Walter...had taken me out the night before to send me off in style. In the Soviet Union that meant a night of endless shots of vodka mixed with cognac and Champaign. Okay...I wasn't "tired," I was hung over like never before and had not yet realized that that day would be the first of a 3-day hangover. I suppose it's entirely possible that we only sat there a couple of minutes and the babies were only crying because I was the guy responsible for the horrible smells. But I like my version better.

First Date Advice For The Guys

2010-11-12T10:00:00Z

"Men's Health" says avoid these on a first date:

1. Don't tell her how much money you make; sell your personality, not your susceptibility to extortionist divorce settlements.
2. Don't get drunk. You look stupid, and you say stupid things.
3. Do not attempt to rub knees unless you're getting serious signals. These do not include, yawning, blinking, or wearing a skimpy top.
4. Don't say her "chi is stalled." New Age men make great yoga instructors. That doesn't mean she wants to sleep with one.
5. Do not use the word "proactive" unless she's specifically told you of her mad attraction to motivational speakers.
6. Do not refer to your "issues" unless she's specifically told you of her mad attraction to men in analysis.
7. Don't dress creatively. On a first date, she needs reassurance that you're normal. Prove you're a "funky guy" some other time.
8. Don't give everything away, especially on the family/ex-girlfriend tragedy front. a) You'll need something to talk about on the second and third dates. And b) there's a very real chance she may never return from the ladies room.
9. Avoid leaving your shirt unbuttoned to the naval. Imagination is a powerful thing.
10. Avoid the Ricky Martin impersonation: dancing is risky and also provokes questions (see number 7).
11. Don't go on and on about high school. There's a certain kind of man for whom the mid-to-late teen years still factor as the most glorious period of his life. Chances are she is not interested in getting to know this man any better.
12. Even if you're curious, do not, under any circumstances, ask her if her breasts are real.
13. If it was your idea to go out, it's your responsibility to pick up the check. If it was hers, split it.
14. Don't wear dirty socks or underwear. (You never know)

Things I've Learned

2010-11-11T18:00:00Z

People mock you when they find out you always know the exact amount of change in your left hand pocket. And when I say people, I mean Jessica. Apparently down in DuBois no one ever starts every day with exactly 16 quarters, four nickels, four pennies (shiny) and five dimes. But then they move here and make fun of organized people who have systematically figured out that that is the optimum combination of coins for making change, buying snack machine goodies, filling parking meters after work and loaning a dollars' worth of quarters to less organized people named Jessica. DuBois people are weird.

Things Guys Don't Like (On a First Date)

2010-11-11T10:00:00Z

In a survey posted on Netscape, here are ten things that they hate you to do on a first date.

- When he asks where you would like to go, don't shrug, he doesn't want to make all the decisions. Give him some input.
- Don't look disappointed when your food arrives, you did pick it after all.
- Being interested in him is a good idea but don't spend the evening giving him the Spanish Inquisition.
- Wanting to share dessert is another no no.
- You may think you're being discreet constantly checking your phone, but he will have noticed how bored you are.
- Harping on about your ex all night is a sure fire way to guarantee there will be no second date.
- Keeping eye contact is good, staring at him all night like some demented bunny-boiler is not.
- Don't swear, the odd four-letter word can spice up a conversation but to eff and blind all night is only showing your ignorance.
- Don't tell him he would look gorgeous in a blue shirt. He wants you to like him as he is.
- It's only fair to offer to pay your share of the bill. If you're lucky he will refuse, but don't expect him to pay it all.

Who Ya Gonna Tell?

2010-11-10T10:00:00Z

CareerBuilder.com asked 4,400 workers just how bold they would be in the office when it comes to telling embarrassing things to their colleagues. It turns out that most of us are weenies. Also, we're more likely to tell someone who is at our level or below than we are someone who has seniority over us in the workplace. (Duh.)

Would you tell a co-worker these?

"Your hair is messy."

Same level co-worker: 33%
Lower level co-worker: 30%
Higher level co-worker: 13%

"You need a breath mint."

Same level co-worker: 33%
Lower level co-worker: 29%
Higher level co-worker: 14%

"You need a shower."

Same level co-worker: 28%
Lower level co-worker: 29%
Higher level co-worker: 11%

So how many would tell a higher level co-worker his or her dress was not appropriate for the office? Only 10% thought they could do that.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-09T18:00:00Z

The first time you fall asleep during...uh...a passionate moment with your girlfriend, she thinks it's funny. The second time she does not.

Awkward

2010-11-09T10:00:00Z

What do you do when you run into your ex with their new mate? According to "Dating and Personals":

1. Put a smile on your face and say hello. Introduce yourself, but make the conversation brief. This will take two minutes; you can fall apart right after. Be the adult and act gracious and pleasant - to both of them.
2. Say a quick hello and make up an excuse that you're in a rush to meet someone. This will get you out of there fast and possibly make him/her wonder who you're meeting.
3. If you're in the same place for a length of time, acknowledge him/her in the moment, but wait until his/her mate goes to the bathroom before you actually approach and say hello.
4. If stopping to talk is too difficult, you can make eye contact with him/her and simply nod or wave. No one says you have to talk.
5. If at any moment you feel like you are going to get upset, turn around and leave quietly. If you know you can't handle it - just go.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-08T18:00:00Z

When you really, really suck at sports you should avoid jobs where you're kind of in the public eye and more likely to be chosen for those little contests they have during real games. I told you how I once missed a bunch of goals from center ice and got booed by thousands of hockey fans and about the time I was throwing out a first pitch and put the ball about 15 feet above the catcher. Now that basketball season's here I'm reminded of my b-ball debacle. Years ago, before our current D-league Erie tried to establish a basketball league and during their games they'd bring down a "celebrity" and someone from the audience for a free-throw shoot off. They asked me to do it and I was apparently too slow to come up with a reason why that would be impossible. So there I was on one end of the court and a ten year old boy at the other end. Someone said go and we both started shooting. He's down there going swish, swish, swish and I'm at the other end going air-ball, air-ball, air-ball. I didn't even hit the rim or backboard once. Talk about embarrassing. All I could do was hope that the entire civic center had concluded I was doing that on purpose because no one could possibly be that bad in reality. Yeah, yeah...that's it. I just wanted to make sure the kid won.

Want People To Like You?

2010-11-08T10:00:00Z

"Ladies Home Journal" writer Margaret Renkl identifies the five traits of charming people:

1. A Sense of Humor - More important than poise or social ease, being funny attracts people like magnets. Make someone laugh, and you'll have an admirer.
2. Insight and Passion - A charming person has a unique ability to be fully engaged in the moment. They tend to be highly intelligent, curious and creative.
3. Effortless Social Grace - Your mother called it poise. A poised person knows exactly what to do and what to say in every social situation, no matter how awkward or strange.
4. An Interest in Others - A charming person is a sparkling conversationalist. When a charming person asks another, "How are you?" she really wants to know the answer. "Fine" isn't enough of a response. She asks about the other person's life. How are the children doing? Is your sick mother getting better? There is sincere, not feigned, interest.
5. Curiosity About the World - Being deeply curious about all things is a trait of charming people -- from trying new foods to reading books to meeting people. They always want to know more, and that attitude is contagious in that it inspires in others a sensation of energy, deeper engagement and greater curiosity.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-05T16:00:00Z

You'll never know how close you came to being murdered and left in a shallow grave where you'd never be discovered. Okay. I didn't actually learn this from anything that happened, but I've always wondered. On a backpacking walkabout in Europe I was staying for a few days in a campsite just outside Paris. Another camper there, a guy maybe 15 or 20 years older than me who had a Volkswagen pop-up van, invited me over for coffee one morning. He was an interesting guy. I forget which country he was from but he showed me maps from a trip he took crisscrossing the U.S. and he knew things about our country I didn't even know. He had also traveled extensively through Europe and Africa so I asked a lot of questions to see what I could learn. He was familiar with Paris and spoke the language so he offered to show me around. After lunch he said he had some errands to run but he made me an offer. He knew I was heading toward Morocco after Paris and since he was heading that way he said I could tag along with him as long as I promised to help out a younger guy sometime in the future when I was better off than that guy. He said the same had been done for him when he was younger. If I wanted to go I just had to be over at his campsite by 7am the next morning when he was leaving. I was giving it some serious thought since it would save me some money and prolong my adventure. However, that afternoon I met Shawn, a lovely girl from Wales who was teaching in a small town just outside Paris. After spending the rest of the day walking around together she expressed concern about taking a train alone back to her apartment so being the gentleman my mother taught me to be, I offered to escort her. It was late by then so she let me spend the night...on the sofa. The next morning I caught the train back to Paris but got to the campsite around 7:30. The van was gone and I got an overwhelming feeling that that was a good thing. There was nothing particular he had said or done but I had a weird feeling about him. Since then I've learned just how accurate your gut instinct can be so that's why I believe you'll never know how close you came to being murdered and left in a shallow grave. Maybe Shawn was a somewhat misleading, come hither, no wait, stop...guardian angel.

Starving Brides

2010-11-05T09:00:00Z

A survey in "Appetite" of 272 brides to be found that 70% were trying to lose weight. Aisle bound? Start early and have a plan that extends past your big day, says study author Lori Neighbors, R.D., Ph.D. The average amount of weight the bride to be wants to lose for the big day is 21 pounds. So how does the engaged squeeze it all in?

- 89% drinking water.
- 85% aerobic exercise.
- 80% eat less food.
- 80% switch to foods with fewer calories.
- 70% exercise with weights.
- 43% eat diet foods.
- 39% switch to diet drinks.
- 23% skip meals.
- 22% take unprescribed diet pills.
- 14% buy a dress in a size smaller than their current one.
- 13% join a weight loss program.
- 4% fast for a day or more.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-04T17:00:00Z

You are what you wear. Believe me, I should know. But being a fashion icon isn't as easy as I make it look. This week was a good example. I had pulled out my winter wardrobe and got a stream of compliments on the sweater I had chosen. A bunch of different women commented on it and said it looked really warm. Some even ran their hands across it, which is one reason, I suppose, that I work so hard to remain cutting edge. The trick is to have a system. When I say I "pulled out my winter wardrobe" it's not actually that easy. It required me bending over and picking up a sweater off the floor of my closet where I had thrown it last spring. Sure, it appeared casual...but there's a lot of work behind getting that look. It's not easy finding hand-knit garments that are probably made in a sweat hut in Equador. You have to go shopping and that's never ending. I found that sweater at a little store here in Erie about 5 years ago and I'll probably have to go out looking for another one in another five or ten years. Clothes don't last forever, you know. The other four sweaters in my extensive collection fall into that casual chic look because they too are at least 5 to 10 years old and spend their summers on the floor of my closet. The secret is to have them in a pile so they can "breathe." You might think it's over kill, but you really should invest in five sweaters so you don't wear the same one twice in one work week. Sure, it seems a little extravagant but you want to aim for your own "custom" look. As I recall, Mom made one and the others were all hand-me-downs from people who had died. Yep, that's what legends are made of. I guess you could say I'm a slave to fashion.

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

2010-11-04T09:00:00Z

"Cosmopolitan" says these are five lines he'll almost definitely distort.

- You say, "We have to talk." He hears, "You have to listen...to what a commitment phobe you are."
- You say, "Where do you see us in five years?" He hears, "Do you like the name Jessica if it's a girl?"
- You say, "Laura's fiance proposed after just six months." He hears, "I've been dating you for how long? And still no ring."
- You say, "I really want you to meet my parents." He hears, "I really want you to meet your in-laws-to-be."
- You say, "If you're not ready to commit, I won't wait until you're ready." He hears, "I'll wait until you're ready."

Meanwhile, here are some things to never say to your girlfriend:

- "My ex-girlfriend is still a good friend of mine." (What she hears: "I'm still in love with her, and as soon as she takes me back, I'm dumping you.")
- "Are you going to change before we go out to dinner?" (What she hears: "Geez, I hope you change your clothes before we leave the house. You look terrible in the outfit.")
- "Your friend Claudia is so nice." (What she hears: "She's so hot, I want to go out with her as soon as we break up.")
- "Do you want to go to the gym with me and work out?" (What she hears: "You're so fat, if you don't lose some weight, I'm going to ask out your friend Claudia.")

Things I've Learned

2010-11-03T18:00:00Z

Grandmas are not created equal. At least mine were way different. At Grandma Turley's most meals were small and often consisted of cold-cuts. At least that's how I remember them. But at Grandma Warvel's...hoo-boy! She apparently cooked like crazy right before we got there and then we'd have the same stuff for days. I'm talkin' roast beef, chicken, turkey and ham and homemade mashed potatoes and gravy in a real live gravy boat and everything in between. But what I remember most was the pudding. I grew up in a home where dessert was somewhat rare. Okay, really rare. Mom would declare whatever was left over or lying around to be dessert...as in, "those apples in the bowl are dessert." But Grandma Warvel would make three different kinds of pudding. THREE! And they weren't even dessert!! Chocolate, vanilla and butterscotch and they were on the table with dinner!!! Is that even legal? Dessert would be a couple of different kinds of pie or cake but at that point you were too full to have any. Man, I felt like an out of control food rebel spooning chocolate pudding onto my plate next to fried chicken. It was childhood nirvana. Now that I'm all grown up and can have whatever I want you'd think I'd be wolfing down copious amounts of pudding but most of my meals are small and often consist of cold-cuts. Who could have seen that coming?

Teens Are For Torture

2010-11-03T09:00:00Z

Here are some ideas from Mary McHugh, author of "How to Ruin Your Children's Lives":

- Say, "You will thank me later for this."
- Drop your teenagers off where their friends can see you.
- Ruffle their hair while you're waiting to buy tickets in the movie line.
- Spit on a tissue and rub chocolate off their chins when you're out together in public.
- Wear an ankle bracelet.
- Demonstrate your favorite moves from when you were a high school cheerleader when they have friends over.
- Ask them if they need to go to the bathroom before they leave the house.
- Hint that you and your spouse are still having sex.
- Dance alone at any function where they can see you.
- Tell your best friend something they told you in confidence.
- Say, "But what will the neighbors think?"
- Say to one of their friends, "My, how you've grown."
- Ask, "Why does Britney Spears have to dress like that?"
- Find your old guitar and sing "Kumbaya" and "This Land Is Your Land" in front of their friends.
- Interrupt when they're talking to correct their grammar.
- Keep saying "Cool" in an effort to be cool.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-02T17:00:00Z

I wrote last week about speaking at the Mercyhurst Prep National Honor Society induction and I was truly impressed with that group of young people, brimming with potential and the energy and intellect to succeed in life. But on the other hand, it forced me to reflect on my own life and what I've done with it since being inducted into the same Honor Society when I was in high school. Looking back there were warning signs. To begin with I didn't want to be part of it because it involved dressing up a little that day and being part of a ceremony. (I'm not big on ceremonies, which may explain why I'm not married. From what I understand you have to get dressed up for that, too.) But it was important to my mother so I went through with it. A friend of mine, Stephanie, was inducted as well so that made it easier. Her being selected was about as puzzling as myself. Steph was a wild child and rebel and a few weeks after our ceremony she informed me that Corning's other high school was having their induction and we were invited. I said, "Why on earth would I subject myself to their ceremony?" (Here's why she was smart enough to be selected.) She looked at me and said, "'Cuz we get to leave during the day and miss some classes stupid." (Eloquently put and persuasive as well.) So we went and after they were done, Steph said, "Let's just not go back. We'll skip out for the rest of the day." I said, "Seriously, you think we should?" That's when we heard the booming voice of our vice-principal directly behind us, "You should skip out. It's a beautiful day. I don't get it when kids skip out on crappy days and then come to school anyway and hang out in the bathrooms. It doesn't make any sense." (Administrators took a little more laid-back approach in the 70's.) So we didn't go back. Instead we bought a bottle of wine and headed for the lake. (You could still drink at 18 in New York back then...as I said; it was a little more laid-back.) So there were plenty of warning signs and maybe I didn't live up to my potential but it sure has been a fun ride. Best of all, I'm feeling better about our future after hanging with today's "cream of the crop." It seems to be much creamier than in the 70's.

Boxers or Briefs?

2010-11-02T09:00:00Z

"Cosmopolitan" tells us what a man's underwear says about him:

- Briefs -- He likes to be babied a bit, is neat, and a down-to-earth guy who's got a direction in life.
- Boxers -- He has a sense of humor and likes to cuddle.
- The Boxer Brief -- He's carefree and athletic.
- Bikini -- This guy is a hopeless flirt who usually likes to show off his body.

But what do women prefer he wears?

1. Boxers, 43%.
2. Boxer briefs, 38%.
3. Briefs, 14%.
4. Nothing, 5%.

Things I've Learned

2010-11-01T16:00:00Z

So I'm heading out to the Driver License Center today to get my picture taken for a new license. I already know how this is going to turn out. The camera loves some people but I'm not one of them. Apparently I used my face for evil in a previous lifetime and a curse was placed upon it. I first realized this handicap in elementary school when the school photographer would always say, "Smile." The problem was I thought I was smiling. In my head there was a big, 'ol smile going on but the picture would always come back with the same emotionless, cursed-face look. Generally speaking you'll get about three "smiles" from a school photographer before they give up. So now I've got a lifetime series of non-smiling pictures that only serve to show how my cursed face has aged. I remember when I got my picture taken for my current license four years ago. The guy who took it said, "You wanna do that over?" I said, "Nah. It's not going to get any better." And what's with these new digital cameras that make it look like your hair is turning gray...and receding?

What Don't Cha Know About Your Man?

2010-11-01T09:00:00Z

AskMen.com advises men to keep this info to themselves. There is an exception...if your woman can potentially find out about any of the following from another source, you might as well give it up right now.

- Your conquest count.
- Your income.
- The location of your naughty stash.
- Your weaknesses.
- Your mens club experiences.
- Your weirder fantasies.
- The dirt on your buds.
- Your ex-girlfriend memorabilia.
- Your embarrassing moments.
- Your cheating past.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-29T17:00:00Z

Here's a true story for Halloween. A friend of mine, who's a brilliant but strange person, came to me years ago and told me that she had been looking into the origins of my name. She said she believed that Warvel was a derivative of the German word for warlock or devil. I thought, cool! But then she said, "And didn't you tell me Levi's mother used to practice witchcraft?" I said, "Well, yeah, before I met her and she just dabbled in it." Then her eyes lit up and she said, "Do you know the same letters that spell Levi also spell EVIL?!?" What the... So I threw water on her and she melted.

Some Halloween Advice

2010-10-29T09:00:00Z

AskMen.com has the costumes guys should never wear:

- Ghost -- How many times have you been at a party where you've seen a handful of single guys wearing their soiled bedsheets? This pathetically unimaginative Halloween costume lets women know three things about you: you're uncreative; you leave things to the last minute; and if she returns home with you, she'll be sleeping on a sheet with a pair of cut-out eye holes. Ghost costumes, like ghosts themselves, should simply disappear, as it's definitely a Halloween costume guys should never wear.
- The opposite sex -- Sure, it might seem like a good idea to throw on a wig and slap on an oversized pair of falsies for your big, creative Halloween costume. But before you know it, you'll be slipping out of work early to go shopping for shoes and accessories. Just as marijuana is a gateway to harder drugs, dressing up like a woman for Halloween is a gateway to becoming a full-time cross-dresser. Besides, no self-respecting woman would ever make out with someone who looks (and possibly smells) like her great aunt Edith. Halloween is the perfect excuse to play up your sex appeal, so stick with flattering Halloween costumes that present you in the best light possible.
- Scarecrow -- In addition to being uncomfortable and sadly outdated, the scarecrow is also a grade-A fire hazard that has the potential to go up in flames faster than a rear-ended Pinto. If you only had a brain you'd know that this inherently flawed getup is a Halloween costume guys should never wear. Dorothy said goodbye to the scarecrow, and so should you.
- Anything with leotards -- Unless you're an Olympic gymnast or a professional wrestler, you have no excuse whatsoever for leaving the house in a pair of leotards. That means giving the court jester the gong and leaving Robin Hood in Sherwood Forest right where he belongs. Some other leotard-laden Halloween costumes guys should never wear include Superman, Henry VIII and anything else that looks like it could be used during a male figure skating competition. Unless you want to be perceived in the same pink light as Robin of Batman, you'll avoid leotards at Halloween
- A mascot -- Although the thought of dressing up like the Easter Bunny or Frosty the Snowman at Halloween may at first seem amusing, keep in mind that these poorly constructed mascot costumes are generally cumbersome and difficult to communicate through. They're also inadequately ventilated, which means that you're going to be hotter than a snake's butt in a wagon rut within minutes of fastening your head into place. If you thought your cologne could be off-putting, just wait until women catch a whiff of the three gallons of sweat that has collected in your crappy Halloween costume.
- Captain Jack Sparrow -- There's nothing worse than arriving at the tail end of a popular trend, which is precisely what will happen if you dress up in this jaunty pirate's outfit, and it's precisely why it makes our list of Halloween costumes guys should never wear. Although Captain Jack was something of a novelty when Pirates of the Caribbean first hit theaters in 2003, it's now more played out than a Village People record at a gay disco. If you're looking to emulate a more contemporary cinematic icon this Halloween, we recommend one of the Spartan warriors from 300, McLovin from Superbad or the unforgettable breached baby head from Knocked Up. Come on, everyone loves babies!
- Charles Manson -- If you thought it was difficult to attract women when you were dressed in a floral blouse, try doing it with a swastika temporarily tattooed on your forehead. You'll quickly discover that most Halloween partygoers aren't interested in mingling with someone whose idea of a good time involves mass murder and consensual homicide. Manson is an especially creepy Halloween costume choice because he's still alive and kicking at California's Corcoran State Prison, where he is known as inmate #B33920. If you still insist on dressing like a serial killer, stick with fictional characters like Norman Bates, Freddy Krueger or Michael Myers instead. After all, everyone likes to be scared, but not by someone who is eligible for parole in 2012, which makes this one a Halloween costume guys should never wear.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-28T17:00:00Z

If you suffer from stage fright, I don't think you ever fully get over it. I first realized I had a problem in junior high school when I had a French horn solo during a concert and I got so nervous my mouth went so dry that I couldn't make a sound. Because it suddenly got quiet where there was supposed to be one French horn playing, people started clapping because they thought the song had ended. In high school I had one line in a two-act play and my mouth was so dry I couldn't speak so that got a little awkward. After college I somehow got volunteered to be a roaster for a PR guy who was retiring. Fortunately I remembered to take some water up there with me but when I got done I asked a buddy if people were laughing. He said, "Yeah, they were howling. Why are you asking? You were there." I didn't know because it was like a 1,000 volts were going through my head and I was having an out of body experience. Or maybe it was because I was concentrating so hard on maintaining bladder control. I've had to go up on a lot of stages since then and it has gotten better, but I'm still nervous. Last night I spoke at the induction ceremony for the National Honor Society at Mercyhurst Prep. My mouth got a little dry and my head was spinning a bit but I realized I've come a long way. I'm not sure exactly what I ended up saying, but I didn't pee on stage! You've gotta embrace your victories, no matter how small.

Using A Public Restroom Today?

2010-10-28T09:00:00Z

(Cosmopolitan) The germiest place in a public restroom is not the toilet. It's the floor. And while a Columbia University study concluded that you can't catch a disease from a toilet seat, you won't want to place your purse or diaper bag on the restroom floor, since it is swimming in a stew of germs that can include strep, staph, E-coli, coliform, rotavirus and the potentially deadly MRSA virus. If your purse picks up those germs and then you touch your purse and then your mouth, nose or eyes, you could get sick. Want more?

- Use the first stall; it tends to be the cleanest. The middle stall tends to have the most bacteria.
- If the toilet doesn't flush automatically, use your foot instead of your hand to flush it. (Yeah, help move that stew of germs up there.)
- You are more likely to pick up germs on your hands than on your behind. So wash your hands with hot water and soap for at least 30 seconds.
- Make sure your children also wash their hands thoroughly. Little kids typically put their hands on the toilet seat to steady themselves, and these germs could lead to an infection once those hands touch the nose, mouth or eyes.
- After you dry your hands, use a clean, dry paper towel on the door knob. Other people who didn't wash their hands have touched that knob, leaving it coated in bacteria.
- Hang your purse and diaper bag. Don't ever place them on the restroom floor. In a study in which Gerba examined women's purses, he found that fully one-third of them had fecal bacteria on the bottom. If there isn't a hook in the stall, hang your purse around your neck!
- As a rule, the cleanest toilets are in hospitals and the worst are in airports and airplanes.

Good Reasons To Be Scared

2010-10-27T09:00:00Z

The Haunted House Association (hauntedhouseassociation.org), a collective of the most successful and renowned haunted houses and attractions in the country, has announced 13 reasons why you should visit one:

1. Screaming is good for you! -- The surge of adrenaline in the terrifying but safe environment of a haunted house peps you up and really makes you feel alive.
2. Horror movie madness -- Modern haunted houses have special effects rivaling top Hollywood horror movies, only in this case, YOU are the star!
3. Get transported into another world -- Haunted houses are completely immersive worlds that let you journey through using all of your senses with each room hiding a new horror in the darkness just like your favorite survival horror video game.
4. Create lasting memories -- Visiting a haunted house with friends and family creates memories you will never forget. For years you will laugh at how loud Uncle Pete screamed when the chainsaw started!
5. It's affordable -- Haunted houses are extremely cost effective entertainment choices compared to expensive theme parks and they are easily located all over the country.
6. Help out the economy -- Haunted houses contribute vastly to the economy, employing approximately 100,000 seasonal workers every October while pumping tons of money into the production of the event and boosting local businesses.
7. Not just your neighborhood decorations -- The level of detail and artistic skill in modern haunted houses is insane, with many serving as museums of horror.
8. It's safe -- Haunted houses are very safe, requiring rigorous inspection by local authorities before they open and often staffed by off-duty policemen and firefighters to ensure that extra level of security.
9. It's fun for the whole family -- Haunted houses are great places for kids and young adults alike. They are controlled, drug and alcohol free events that still have a massive cool factor.
10. It's philanthropic -- Haunted houses help charities by collectively raising huge amounts of money and contributing free tickets to scores of worthy causes across the nation.
11. Haunted houses help local businesses -- Through sponsorships and local deals, haunted houses stimulate the economy for everyone and give a push to start off holiday shopping season.
12. It sure beats costume parties -- The details, costumes, music, actors and overall experience of haunted houses SCREAMS Halloween.
13. Haunted houses just plain rock -- Today's modern haunted houses are technological marvels, featuring skilled actors in great costumes and intense makeup.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-26T16:00:00Z

People are like books. The cover doesn't really tell you what's inside. I've learned that over and over from big, scary-looking men who turn out to be the nicest guys in the world. And having acquaintances like that is a hoot when you run into them in public and other people are assuming a killer just walked in but he sees you and yells, "Hey Craigers!" On the other hand there was this clean-cut, normal looking non-giant of a man I met years ago at Haggerty's who I yakked with for a while. Over several months we ran into each other a number of times and always had enjoyable conversations. In fact, the last time I saw him he was talking about camping with his girlfriend and suggested that I and my girlfriend could join them some weekend. That never happened...mostly due to his arrest. It turns out he had been featured on America's Most Wanted for murdering a guy down south and then using his credit cards. And that's why, to this day, I don't trust books.

Sowhatchabeenupto, Ladies?

2010-10-26T09:00:00Z

"Cosmopolitan" asked its readers that question:

- 74% have asked a guy out.
- 62% have quit their job with nothing lined up.
- 51% have worn a skirt with no underwear.
- 42% have asked for a promotion.
- 30% have gone out with a guy they met online.
- 27% have taken a vacation alone.
- 11% have slept with their boss.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-25T16:00:00Z

It's amazing how your outlook changes as you get older. About 20 years ago I resumed dating my old college girlfriend. Problem was I lived here and she lived in New York City. We took turns flying in to see each other. As I recall that made sense back then. But she wanted me to move there and make babies and I was already ahead of where I had planned to be in the baby making department and just couldn't picture myself living in a big city anyway. The last time I saw her was through the back window of a taxi as it was taking me to the airport and she was standing on a street corner in the rain...crying. So that's when my "no crossing state lines" dating rule went into effect. A few more years passed and it only took a few trips to see a girlfriend in Pittsburgh before my "no crossing county lines" rule went into effect. (A natural progression since in two directions here that would violate my "no crossing state lines" rule.) So I settled in to only seeing women in Erie County. After a while though...especially in the winter...driving back and forth to somewhere like, oh, Waterford for instance, seemed like too much so that ended. Erie is apparently out, too, since I live in Girard and there's no sense driving to town and back more than once a day. I blame that decline in romance on gas prices. Which I guess leaves me with a "no crossing township lines" rule but you don't want to date someone too close to home, either because you start feeling crowded. So anyway, did I ever tell you about the time I was painting a floor and accidentally started near the door of the room and found myself trapped in a far corner with no way to get out? Sometimes life is like waiting for paint to dry. Thank God your patience increases with time.

Is She The One For You?

2010-10-25T09:00:00Z

Askmen.com came up with ten reasons she could be:

1. You find yourself unable to concentrate.
2. You treat her. (Fixing five course meals, spend a lot of money, shower, etc.)
3. You ask yourself where she has been all your life. (Of course I ask that of the cover of Maxim every month.)
4. Chemical balance. (You have no choice but to give into temptation.)
5. You get mad when others talk mean about her.
6. You forget about your ex.
7. You forget your friends.
8. She has fun with your crazy family.
9. She gets along with your friends.
10. You trust her.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-22T16:00:00Z

Women need to accept that we just don't have all the answers. By "we," of course, I mean men. I was reminded of that this morning by Jessica. I was telling her how some people had mentioned to me that they saw Levi on TV and I didn't know why he was until about 3am when I was just starting my day and he was just getting home. She said, "So why was he on TV?" I said, "Apparently there was some study that indicated women are drinking more these days and he was commenting on that." She said, "Maybe it's because women are dealing with more and more stress. What did Levi say?" Huh? I don't know what he said to the reporter. When I brought it up I was just wondering why he was on TV and he answered that by telling me he was commenting on a report that said women are drinking more these days. It didn't occur to me to inquire beyond that. She gave me that look former girlfriends have given me after I told them Steve and Tina had their baby. When was it born? How much did it weigh? How long was it? Boy or a girl? Uh...I think he said it was a girl. Who cares how long it was? And the answer to that is apparently women.

It's Adopt A Pet Month!

2010-10-22T09:00:00Z

"Family Circle" rounded up the most kid friendly breeds and stored them by size and temperament. Here's what dog breeds they suggest:

- Pug, Lhasa Apso, Cavalier King Charles spaniel - under 20 pounds, laid back and social. Patient and forgiving, playing, loving nature and they're easy to train. Ideal combination for families with young kids.
- English Bulldog, Beagle, Basset Hound - 21-50 pounds, laid back and social. Affectionate, lovable, even tempered and charming. Perfect companions for children because of their gentle, non aggressive demeanor.
- Saint Bernard, Old English Sheepdog, Great Dane, Mastiff - over 50 pounds, laid back and social. Gentle giants are receptive to children and other animals and will thrive in their family role. They are efficient watchdogs but still have a mild temperament.
- Boston Terrier, Scottish Terrier, Chihuahua, Jack Russell Terrier - under 20 pounds, energetic and independent. Suitable for active families and surprisingly loyal watchdogs. Easy to clean and brush, a perk for busy people who prefer a low maintenance grooming regimen.
- American Eskimo, Keeshound, Miniature Poodle - 21-50 pounds, energetic and independent. Bred for companionship, these dogs thrive on human contact. Easily trained and intelligent, as well as strong willed. Great for outdoorsy families who have the time to develop a strong dog-human relationship.
- Collie, Golden Retriever, Siberian Husky - over 50 pounds, energetic and independent. Long-haired and suitable for attentive owners who are willing to devote extra care to grooming. Good natured, intelligent loyal dogs who are active and agile, ideal for families with older children.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-21T16:00:00Z

The things that are important are different for men and women. I had my first appointment yesterday with a new doctor so they weighed me and measured my height. Their scale had me 10 pounds heavier than my scale at home. I was like, "Whatever." I suspect a lot of women wouldn't have been as nonchalant. On the other hand, as we went over to see how tall I am, I got a little anxious. I had been 5'10" since my teens...up until a few years ago when a nurse told me I was 5'9". I argued with her until she explained to me that I had lost an inch due to all the squished discs in my spine. I remember thinking, "Great...I'm shrinking." So yesterday when the nurse told me to take off my boots I said, "I didn't have to take them off for the weigh-in." She said, "We want an accurate height measurement." I said, "What makes you think cowboy boots change your height?" She said, "Take them off." So I stood there with my back to the wall like a kid being measured next to a door frame, anxiously waiting and she said, "5-foot, nine." YES!! My shrinkage is in remission! It may not seem like a big deal, but trust me...no man wants to hear a woman say, "Looks like you've lost an inch." I will say I was surprised to find that my boots weigh ten pounds.

Places Guys Shouldn't Go?

2010-10-21T09:00:00Z

In a book called, "Double Your Dating", author David DeAngelo shares 10 things men should never ask women. Do you agree?

- A man should never ask a woman if he can kiss her. Asking her for a kiss will only make a man look like a boy, which is what a woman is not interested in, and even if she says "yes", it could mean she is just being polite, while on the inside her attraction meter will read a firm, "No".
- A man should never ask a woman if he can take her out on a date sometime, as she would like to be with a man who is a leader and in control, not someone who asks her permission to hit on her.
- A man should never brag about the car he has or the kind of house he lives in, as it would seem like he is trying too hard to impress her.
- A man should never ask a woman is what she wants to do for the night, as she likes a "man with a plan".
- A man should never ask a woman if she likes him, as this is one phrase that turns off a woman completely.
- A man should never ask a woman why she never answered his message, as one, it would show that he cared she did not reply back, and two, it would give her a guilt trip, which is seen as insecurity by women.
- A man should never ask a woman how men she has slept with, as this shows that he is suffering from insecurity.
- A man should never hint at a future date with a woman he has just met, as she not only wants but needs a guy who is somewhat of a "challenge", and will lose interest if she senses she has won.
- A man should never end a phone conversation with a woman with a "next step", as firstly it would kill any spontaneity by being predictable, and secondly he would kill any chances of her calling him.
- A man should never talk bad about a woman's guy friends especially if he hasn't met them and doesn't know her very well, as this is the fastest way for her to mark him as "insecure".

Things I've Learned

2010-10-20T16:00:00Z

I have an appointment with a new doctor today. It got me to thinking about a doctor I went to see about 26 years ago when I thought I might have an ulcer. My stomach had started hurting all of the time so they ran me through an upper G.I. test where you drink some thick, chalky, icky tasting stuff and then they watch it go through your system with a special x-ray. When I sat down the following week with the doctor he told me the test didn't indicate an ulcer and then he asked if I had a lot of stress in my life. I said, "No, not really." He asked me what I did and I informed him I was the news director of a radio station. Then the conversation went like this:
"Do you have deadlines you have to meet?"
"Oh, yeah...every half-hour and then you start racing to get the next newscast ready."
"Do you get enough sleep?"
"I don't know...are 4 or 5 hours enough?"
"Drink much coffee?"
"Just constantly."
"What about alcohol?"
"Oh yeah, I like beer."
"Do you smoke?"
"Yeah...two or three packs a day."
"Has anything happened in your personal life that bothers you?"
"Well, my fiancé just dumped me, but she's having trouble keeping her head above water until she moves back to Philly so I'm still helping her."
There was a long pause and then he said, "And you don't think you have any stress in your life?" Well, gee...when you twist it around like that. Then he said, "Craig, you're stomach will stop hurting when she leaves town." Damned if he wasn't right. When I'm elected dictator I'm going to require women to have warning labels that say, "May cause stomach pain."

Deep Thoughts

2010-10-20T09:00:00Z

From BoomerBaby.com:

- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-19T15:00:00Z

Strange friends are the most interesting...and I've known a lot of strange people. They're interesting because you never know what to expect. There's always some little surprise. I know a guy who used to load and unload for a meat and produce place. It wasn't unusual for him to walk into our favorite hanging out place...where you could purchase Pennsylvania legal beverages...carrying a bag and offering people turnips or tomatoes or leeks. But one day he walked in and came right up to me and said, "Warf Dog...here." He handed me something wrapped in aluminum foil. As I unwrapped it he said, "Smoked pork chop." To this day I wonder if he put a pork chop in his pocket because he knew he'd run into me and figured I really liked smoked pork chops or if he just happened to have a pork chop in his pocket and I was chosen at random in a spontaneous moment of sharing. Also to this day, I wonder why he always called me Warf Dog but I will tell you this...the pork chop was delicious.

Gettin' The Girl

2010-10-19T09:00:00Z

"New Scientist" has identified six specific things you can do to make a stranger notice you and even fall in love with you:

- Let your body speak for you -- Learn to use nonverbal body language to signal "I like you." Do this by adopting an open posture (that is, don't fold your arms) and mirroring the other person's posture to signal affinity. Most of us don't even realize we're being mirrored, but when it happens, we think more kindly of that person.
- Experience fear together -- When you meet a stranger in a dramatic setting in which you're both aroused with a bit of fear, it can really kick-start a love affair. Like where? Take a roller coaster ride together or go to a movie theater and watch a suspense-filled thriller.
- Share a joke -- Love and laughter go together. Sharing an experience that makes you both laugh creates feelings of closeness between strangers.
- Get the soundtrack right -- If you want to turn a woman's thoughts to love and sex, turn on the soft rock music. A study from North Adams State College in Massachusetts showed that women find men more attractive when they listen to soft rock, compared with listening to avant-garde jazz or no music.
- Love potion No. 9 -- Sorry, there isn't a magic potion you or your pretty stranger can take to make love bloom. But you may be surprised to learn that exercise -- yeah, a hot, sweaty, out-of-breath workout -- increases the levels of dopamine, which can simulate the euphoria of falling in love. Chocolate can do the same thing since it contains the love potion ingredient, a neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine or PEA.
- Gaze into her eyes -- Eye contact really is so emotional and powerful that feelings of closeness and attraction skyrocket when we hold the gaze of another person. Why? It's all in your head--literally, your brain. Staring into someone's eyes lights up the brain regions that are associated with rewards.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-18T16:00:00Z

Sometimes you're just not sure if people are with you or against you. Years ago I was at the Plymouth one night hanging out by myself when a girl came up and said, "My friends and I are arguing about whether you're Craig Warvel or not." I looked over to see a table full of people looking my way and laughing. Were they laughing at me? Were they laughing at her for coming up to talk to me? I had no idea. I told her I was and she looked back at them and said, "It is." They laughed more. Then she handed me a scrap of paper and said, "Can you autograph this for us?" More laughter. I was getting uncomfortable. If they were mocking me and I signed the paper, I'd look like an idiot. If I didn't sign it and they weren't mocking me I'd look like I was full of myself. It was a no-win situation. So I took the paper and wrote, "You are the strangest people I've ever met." She took it back to the table and there was even louder laughter. I believe I left shortly afterward...still unsure about what just happened. The same goes for the time I ducked into a small bar in some small town in China. That was 24 years ago and back then people tended to crowd around you and stare at you because they didn't have that many westerners dropping in. I don't know how it's spelled, but I knew the Chinese word for beer was "pee-szhoo" so that's what I said. The bartender said something and everyone laughed. He went into a back room and returned with a filthy glass. It looked like someone had smeared their greasy wing fingers all over it. He filled it with a beer that literally had sediment swirling around and slid it over to me. He said something and smiled broadly and everyone laughed some more. Was the dirty glass a prank they played on outsiders? Or was that this establishment's only glass and I was the guest of honor? Don't know. But in order to avoid an international incident I drank from it. Despite the sediment it wasn't a bad beer. But I only stayed for one.

Movin' On

2010-10-18T09:00:00Z

Here's some advice from blogger, Brigid Bishop:

- Ask yourself what caused the death of the relationship? Did the heart of the relationship break down due to a lack of maintenance? Did you take each other for granted? Were you mismatched from the beginning?
- Make a list of positives and negatives. Fold a paper in two, lengthwise and make two columns. Title the first column, "Positive" and the second column, "Negative". Honestly list all of the positives and negatives about the dearly departed relationship. If the negative side is longer, why are you so sad? Feel happy that you are now free to start over, fall in love all over again and make a fresh start!
- Bury Your Relationship. Now that you have ascertained the cause of death, it is time to allow the relationship to rest in peace.
- Perform Your Personal Memorial Service. Put away all of the little reminders and mementos that keep evoking your sadness. Put them away in a box, somewhere obscure in your house, or if you are really strong, throw them out! If there are belongings of his at your residence, pack them up and ship them to him. Do not hold on to them. They are either insignificant to him or he is trying to avoid drama by not picking them up in person. Don't enclose any heartfelt note and don't damage them; just ship them to him. - Do not stalk him in any way, shape or form. Don't access his voicemail, don't check his e-mail and don't go online with his passwords for his match listing or his cell phone.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-15T16:00:00Z

Sometimes you feel like you just don't belong even if it's a good cause. Last night I attended an advisory committee dinner and meeting at Central Tech. Abigail Yaple had asked me to do it. She's the instructor for their Audio Visual Communications Department. I knew her as Abby Cahill when she used to report for TV 24 so that's probably why I couldn't come up with a convincing reason in a timely manner why I'd have to decline. I was really impressed with the direction Central Tech is going and the fact that they've gotten a ton of business and industry people involved to give some guidance. However, the group I'm with was reviewing their plans for a TV studio they're planning to put in so I wasn't adding much. Okay, I wasn't adding anything. I had no idea what the heck they were talking about in their mysterious foreign technical language. I barely understand radio equipment. I know nothing about television. So I drove home wondering why I was there. It reminded me of when I was the chairman of the American Cancer Society's main fundraiser in Corning, N.Y. I even had to go to a state convention. They had a big dinner there, too and the male nurse who had been named the "Voice of Hope" or whatever was on stage and gushing about what a great country we have. He decided to lead the group in a rousing round of "God Bless America." That was a bit much for me. As I stood outside of the convention center...having a cigarette...I wondered why I was there.

Understanding Women

2010-10-15T09:00:00Z

I'm not sure who came up with these or even whether I already posted them, but, by golly, they sure seem accurate:

- She says, "You want." She really means, "You want."
- She says, "We need." She really means, "I want."
- She says, "It's your decision." She really means, "The right decision should be obvious by now."
- She says, "Do what you want." She really means, "You'll pay for this later."
- She says, "We need to talk." She really means, "I need to complain."
- She says, "Sure... go ahead." She really means, "I don't want you to."
- She says, "I'm hungry." She really means, "Make me something to eat."
- She says, "I'm not upset." She really means, "Of course I'm upset, you moron."
- She says, "You're... so manly." She really means, "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
- She says, "You're attentive." She really means, "Is sex all you ever think about?"
- She says, "I'm not emotional." She really means, "I'm having my period."
- She says, "Turn out the lights." She really means, "I have flabby thighs." (Or maybe you do.)
- She says, "The car is empty." She really means, "Go fill it up."
- She says, "The trash is full." She really means, "Take it out."
- She says, "The dog is barking." She really means, "Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong."
- She says, "I want new curtains." She really means, "And carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..."
- She says, "I need wedding shoes." She really means, "The other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white."
- She says, "I heard a noise." She really means, "I noticed you were almost asleep."
- She says, "Do you love me?" She really means, "I'm going to ask for something expensive."

Temptation Is On The Way

2010-10-14T09:00:00Z

(Self) Halloween may be all about sweets, but our tricks will help you enjoy the treats without gaining a pound:

- Stock up on lollipops. Buy bags of yummy but diet friendly candy. You won't disappoint trick-or-treaters, and you'll save yourself calories with festive favorites such as lollipops and Blow Pops.
- Rock a cute costume. "Wearing a body conscious outfit will remind you not to indulge," says Patrica Bannan, R.D., author of Eat Right When Time is Tight (NorLightsPress). Not dressing up? Get a pre-party blowout. When you feel good about how you look, it can be easier to stick with healthier options.
- Eat treats after 4pm. "The worst thing you can do is to have candy in the morning, because you'll crave it all day," says Heather Bauer, R.D. author of The Wall Street Diet (Hyperion). After a sweet spike, blood sugar plummets, triggering your body to seek out more sugar. Plus, if you wait, picked over goodies in the break room will look less tempting.
- Be candy free November 1. Instead of tossing leftovers and feeling guilty, or bingeing and feeling guiltier, donate them. Ship sweets to Operation Gratitude http://www.OpGratitude.com, a nonprofit that sends packages to overseas military personnel.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-13T16:00:00Z

I just met a new intern that started here. Jessica had told her to have me get the station camera for her from Jessica's make-up bag. I'm not even sure she should call it a make-up bag. It's more like a small suitcase that also serves as a purse, an equipment transporter and lunch box. Anyway this girl seemed a little timid and perhaps a bit bewildered that I would be the choice to root through Jessica's make-up bag. However, she took me back a couple of decades because it reminded me of how I used to be more involved in shaping young minds for the future of America. After Levi was born I used to get invited to visit various high schools and tell the guys exactly what to expect when you knock up your girlfriend. Apparently I took that spirit of public service back to the workplace with me because whenever we'd get a new intern or part-timer I'd ask very seriously, "Do you want to know the most important thing you need to know about radio?" They'd always say yes and then I'd pause dramatically then lean in and say, "Keep your d*** in your pants." Then I'd walk away like I just left them a valuable present. I did it, of course, solely for my own entertainment knowing that it would leave them a bit confused about whether I was serious or not. I didn't realize how confused until just a few years back when a woman I had worked with for about ten years said, "Do you remember what you told me when I first started here?" I said, "No." Laughing, she said, "You told me to keep my d*** in my pants!" I like to think I've made the world a better place to live. If nothing else, I can't be accused of playing favorites.

Dangerous Dudes

2010-10-13T09:00:00Z

Sandra L. Brown, author of the book "How To Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved" defines the eight types:

- The Emotional Predator -- He zeros in on lonely, bored and vulnerable women and flatters them like crazy, but his ulterior motive is personal gain - either financial or emotional.
- The Clinger -- A needy guy who demands complete attention and isolates his partner from her friends and family.
- The Hidden Lifer -- These slick Willies lead double lives that include wives, kids, addictions or criminal pasts.
- The Violent -- He starts out attentive, but quickly blames, shames, and hits to keep control.
- The Mentally Ill -- He may appear normal, but it's soon apparent something is wrong.
- The Addict -- He may appear fun-loving, but his need for sex, porn, drugs, booze, gambling, food or unhealthy relationships is pathological.
- The Parental Seeker -- He needs a lot of attention and takes more than he gives.
- The Emotionally Unavailable -- He may be married or dating someone else. Either way, he's not available to you.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-12T17:00:00Z

If I was called upon to create the perfect warrior, I'd find a way to combine a big, muscular athlete with an English bulldog. He wouldn't be the brightest warrior in the world, but he wouldn't feel pain. I know this because of a bulldog we had when I was in 3rd grade. We lived out in the sticks in a house set back in the woods away from a two-lane road. My parents would let the dogs out around 11:30 each night and bring them back in and go to bed. One night, though, there was a knock on the door shortly after that and a man said he had hit a dog. My parents told him it couldn't have been one of ours because they had just let them back in. So the guy asked if any of the neighbors had a short white dog. He was concerned because he assumed he had killed it, but he couldn't find the body so he was afraid it had crawled into the woods and was suffering. Our bulldog was white so they called for her and she came trotting into the kitchen wagging her rear end like, "Hey...what's up? We got a party going on?" That's when they noticed she was bleeding and had gravel stuck in her fur. The next day the vet said she was fine...no broken bones, just bruised a bit. So yeah, I think I could create a really, really tough warrior...who didn't feel pain...and was kinda stupid...and farted a lot.

That's Not Who You Want To Be With

2010-10-12T09:00:00Z

Julia Sokol, the author of the relationship book "Help! I'm in Love With a Narcissist," offers 10 ways to help you identify Mr. or Ms. Wrong -- that unspecial someone who may be toxic to you. Ask yourself these questions:

- Do you often feel as though you are doing most of the work to keep the relationship going and your partner happy?
- Do you feel that nobody is thinking about you and what makes you happy?
- Is your relationship completely organized around your partner's interests, schedules, and activities (or lack thereof)?
- Do you feel controlled by your partner's up and down moods?
- Do other people tell you that your partner is "difficult," "selfish" and "self-absorbed?"
- Do you find yourself covering up for your partner's inappropriate behavior?
- Is your partner making unilateral decisions that affect your life and well being, such as telling you, "We need to move to Belize?"
- Is your sense of safety and security regularly threatened by your partner's impulsive, selfish behavior?
- Do you feel like a slave to your partner's ego?
- Is everything always about your partner (with your needs and priorities obliterated)?

Things I've Learned

2010-10-11T15:00:00Z

If you think you've kicked a puppy in your back yard, don't turn around and check. Okay...actually if you think you've kicked a puppy in your back yard and you're on your moving motorcycle, don't turn around and check. I found that out Saturday. I had been out puttin' around and when I got home I circled through my side yard and looped through the backyard as I always do so I can pull up on my patio. (That's 'cuz I don't have a garage and the patio has a roof over it.) Anyway, as I circled around to get up on the patio I started to put my left foot down for balance and that's when it felt like I kicked a puppy. I instinctively looked back to see what it was and in doing so I started to go a bit wide so when I turned back around and saw I needed to be farther to the left, I grabbed some front break and leaned a little harder. Wrong. I have almost 40 years of riding experience but apparently it all went out the window when I thought I kicked a puppy. The front tire locked up and on grass on soft ground it just started sliding out on me. I was barely moving but in my vain attempt to keep nearly 800 pounds of motorcycle from falling over I suddenly felt a searing pain rip up my left side and into my chest. I'm not sure if I ripped a muscle or popped a rib but it's still really sore. Plus I then had to lift the bike back up which was just what my chronic lower back pain needed. So next time...even if it really is a puppy...I'm not looking until I get stopped. Oh, what was it? Believe it or not, it was a huge, freakin' mushroom. I got taken out by a mushroom. Don't tell the other guys. Tell 'em I kicked a puppy.

Hey Ladies...

2010-10-11T09:00:00Z

Wanna drive him crazy on Halloween? An online "Cosmopolitan" poll asked men, "What's the sexy Halloween costume you want to see her in?"

- 46%, sexy naughty, like nurse or French maid.
- 37%, sexy sweet, like Little Red Riding Hood or a cheerleader.
- 9%, sexy scary, like a vampire or devil.
- 8%, sexy skanky, like a biker babe or Pussycat Doll.

(Why doesn't anybody ever try my idea of sexy Amish girl?)

Things I've Learned

2010-10-08T16:00:00Z

People who talk politics in bars are either mind numbingly annoying or hysterically funny. There's no in between but in either case, they're usually idiots. One place I go has a fellow who holds forth EVERY SINGLE TIME HE'S IN THERE regurgitating the same narrow-minded, biased crap to anyone close enough to be a victim and it's all delivered in a monotone, nasally voice. It doesn't get any more annoying than that. I've come close so many times to snapping and screaming, "Will you just shut the fudge up!?" (Only I wouldn't say fudge.) I've actually had to leave a few times to prevent that. But yesterday I stopped at a different place and two guys were in the depths of a very heated political argument. They were both in their 60's or 70's and one was a big tea party supporter. He was arguing that things were going to change as soon as all the incumbents were voted out and the other guy was saying even if there were all new representatives things wouldn't change that much. He kept pressuring the other guy for something specific. They were nearly screaming at each other and it was a safe guess that they'd been there wetting their whistles for a while. Just when I thought the tea party guy was winding up for some fisticuffs, he excused himself and went to the men's room. The guy he had been arguing with stated, "I've known him for years. He's always sucked at arguing." When the other guy came back from the bathroom all calmed down, an 80-something guy who had been sitting there quietly leaned in and said, "Hey, your buddy said you suck at arguing." Whoo boy! They were off and running again. It doesn't get any more entertaining than that.

Time To Change Course

2010-10-08T09:00:00Z

When? According to "Men's Health":

- Any weather small talk that lasts longer than 4 seconds (unless it involves a car floating away). If you have nothing to talk about other than the weather, face it, you have noting to talk about.
- Two years. No raise.
- The person running the meeting asks, "Could someone get the lights?"
- You hit triple digits on the cable box, decide to cycle through once more and realize that "What Women Want" is still the best option.
- You spend more than an hour and a half a day in the gym. What's the point of building all those muscles if you don't get out once in a while and use them?
- You've been introduced to someone three times, and he still doesn't remember your name. (Hey, some of us have a real problem with that!)
- She says it's enough to have seen the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.
- You watch any movie featuring a mischievous kid who advises adults.
- You look at your watch during any activity. Either find something you really want to do or stop wearing a watch.
- You give your honest feedback to someone who says, "I want your honest feedback."
- You read any e-mail with the subject line "This is not a hoax."

Things I've Learned

2010-10-07T17:00:00Z

Everything is relative. I remember when I first moved here, back when I was still downhill skiing and I drove over to Peek'N'Peak. I scoffed that the hill was so "small." Sheesh, the vertical was only about 400 feet. I was used to an upstate New York ski area with a 900 foot vertical. (By "used to" I mean I skied there twice. And by "ski" I mean that I could usually get down the hill without hurting myself or anyone else. I sucked.) So my skiing hobby ended here but eventually I realized someone from New England would think that place in New York was tiny and someone from the Rockies would think New England's were tiny and someone from the Alps would think the Rockies were. It's all relative. I was reminded of this the other morning when I was listening to the two anchors on ABC's World News Now at 2:45am. I'm guessing they're in their late 20's, maybe 30. I've noticed that they like to talk about something that happened 15 years ago like it was a long time ago but they remember it because they were in high school. They want to appear experienced and knowledgeable but to someone my a...um...with my experience...it's annoying. But then I realized if I'm out somewhere talking about "back in the day" and I'm referring to the 70's, the guys who went through World War Two are thinking, "pup." How cool would it be to be the oldest living person? Man, you could look at EVERYONE and think, "Young whipper-snappers. You don't know nothing yet." Well, either that or you might be thinking, "Who am I and what am I doing here?"

Reduce That Stress

2010-10-07T09:00:00Z

Some of this stuff was new to me. These quick stress cures are from "Ladies Home Journal":

- Talk to someone -- Bottling things up is for brewers. A trusted friend or a trusted trained professional who will listen to what's bothering you without judgment or mockery will help you unload your problems and may also help you solve them.
- Laugh -- Read comics, rent a funny movie, go to the circus. A hardy belly laugh decreases stress hormones in the bloodstream, relaxes muscles and, let's face it, feels good all over.
- Cry -- Hey, assuming you're not running for president, go ahead and sob. Research shows women cry up to four times more often than men, and when they cry, they cry harder. According to William H. Frey III, Ph.D., author of Crying: The Mystery of Tears, our waterworks may have evolved to remove chemicals, possibly stress hormones prolactin and ACTH, that build up during stress.
- Put fun on your "to-do" list -- Write down everything you think you need to do for the next month. Work, errands, chores, everything. Then remove 5% of the items. You'll drop tasks that aren't truly critical and gain valuable free time to spend on something fun for yourself.
- Eat more fiber -- Find it in legumes, nuts, vegetables, whole grains and fruit. Fiber keeps your digestive tract happy, less stress on your body and helps absorb toxins and bacteria. It also stabilizes blood sugar levels, ameliorating mood swings.
- Eat oatmeal -- Oatmeal helps your body release serotonin stores in your brain, too little of this neurotransmitter may lead to depression. Nutritionist Keri Glassman recommends eating a bowl of oatmeal no later than an hour before going to bed to alleviate stress and help relax.
- Ditch toxic people -- Everybody has that person in her life who only makes everything more stressful. You can't always duck him or her entirely, sometimes you're related but you can limit your exposure. And when you do have to be together, set a specific time period and include others so that you don't have to handle this person yourself.
- Play with your pet -- It's virtually impossible to stay stressed when you're tickling your dog's belly. Or dangling string in front of your cat or bird, for that matter. Unless it just poked a hole in your sofa cushion, of course.
- Eat almonds -- It's possible, just possible, that almonds are a perfect food. They're loaded with immune-boosting zinc and heart healthy vitamin E. And they help stress because you really have to chew almonds in a "get the aggression out" sort of way.
- Breathe deep -- When under stress we tend to take quick, shallow breaths. Deep breathing slows the stress response by getting more energizing oxygen to your body. Take 10 to 15 minute "breathing breaks" throughout the day, suggests Frank Lipman, M.D., an integrative physician in New York City who combines Western and alternative therapies. Find a quiet space and be conscious of your breath going in and out. Think about your belly rising and falling with each breath. Relax.
- Fantasize about something wonderful -- Whatever happy place you choose is fine. Take a visual vacation. Closing your eyes quiets the brain by eliminating the myriad visual stimuli that tax your body.
- Stretch -- We hold tension in the soft tissues of our body's muscles. When soft tissue gets tight, it squeezes nerves and blood vessels, creating poor circulation and pain. Spending a day trapped behind the wheel or a desk makes things worse, humans were built to move, not sit. Fifteen minutes of gentle stretching at the end of a day can be enough to restore flexibility and mobility.
- Sleep -- Getting shut eye provides time for biochemical housekeeping, replenishing energy stores, reducing the level of stress hormones.
- Fill the tub -- Can't remember the last time you reclined in your bath? Before the shower was invented, the Romans and Turks had the right idea. Being immersed in warm water encourages, nearly forces, your muscles to relax.
- Play a board game -- Unwinding and stress relief were the top reasons people play "casual" games such as cards and board games, according to a 2006 Harris Interactive poll. Playing is also a relaxing way to connect with family and friends.
- Practice yoga -- Other hand the release of stress hormones that comes with any exercise, yoga is a way to quiet the head. We all suffer from "monkey mind" jumping from thought to thought all day long, says Dr. Lipman. Yoga forces the mind to start focusing on breathing, moving and staying still.
- Turn off your PDA -- Power down at least once hour twice a day to give yourself and your family a break. When it's on, make sure the new e-mail notice is not set to vibrate or beep every time you get a message.
- Treat yourself -- Whether you enjoy spoiling yourself with a haircut, a cup of coffee and your favorite magazine or sneaking in a midday movie, doing something that's pure pleasure for you is a great way to decompress and de-stress.
- Wet your wrists -- Place them under cold running water for 60 seconds while breathing deeply. Your wrists have a large number of small blood vessels and the cold water helps cool and calm you, according to Julie Rosenzwig, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Lake Oswego, Oregon, who specializes in stress cures.
- Take the chocolate cure -- Dark chocolate is a potent antioxidant and may increase your serotonin levels, as well as lower blood pressure and bad LDL cholesterol. Milk chocolate is not as powerful as the dark type.
- Turn off the TV for a whole week -- Watching TV can add stress to our already overstimulated brains. And it doesn't help that so much of the news that's on the tube is scary.
- Crank up the music -- It doesn't matter what type of music you choose, clear the floor, turn up the volume and let it rip. Losing yourself in music and, better yet, dancing to it is a great full body stress reliever.

Men Can Fake It Too

2010-10-06T09:00:00Z

(Cosmopolitan) According to Sam Yagan, CEO of Cupid.com here's a guide to guys' most common tricks on line:

- What they do: They use an older photo to look younger than they really are. How to see through it: Inspect whether his clothing or haircut appears dated.
- What they do:- Exaggerate sophistication or intelligence. How to see through it: Engage in e-mail dialogue about a subject on his profile.
- What they do: Embellish what they do for a living. How to see through it: Beware of vague references that inflate importance.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-05T16:00:00Z

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Stuff A Grown Man Shouldn't Have

2010-10-05T09:00:00Z

I'm not sure who came up with these but most of 'em make sense:

- A black eye - You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.
- A witty e-mail signature. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
- An empty refrigerator. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three course dinner for her along with breakfast in bed.
- PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.
- A key chain with a bottle opener.
- A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.
- An unstamped passport.
- Olympic dreams.
- Less than $20 in his wallet. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
- Any beer that costs less than $20 a case.
- The need to quote The Big Lebowski, Caddyshack, or Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.
- A futon.
- Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
- A Nerf hoop in his living room.
- A secret handshake.
- Drinking glasses with logos.
- A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..."

Things I've Learned

2010-10-04T16:00:00Z

Last Friday I had to go to ACL for some blood work and when the woman was done draining me she handed me a small plastic cup because my doctor also wanted a urine sample. That made me realize two things...I've never had to take one of those tests to keep a job and Levi was right. I forget why but when he was still in preschool our doctor called me at work and asked if I could get a urine sample from him and drop it off. A friend at the blood bank was kind enough to set me up with a sterile plastic cup and I went to the daycare. I explained to the teacher what I needed to do and she said, "Just take him down to the bathroom at the end of the hallway." When I explained to Levi he needed to pee in a cup he wanted to know why. I said something like, "Because the doctor wants to look at it under a microscope to see if you have any germs." He accepted that but informed me he didn't need to pee. I told him he had to try and that we just needed a little so I'm kneeling in front of him holding the cup and making sure he was aimed in the right direction and he said, "Daddy, I can't go." I said, "Try harder." All of a sudden...SQOOOSHHHH! As the cup rapidly filled up I yelled, "Stop! Stop!" He yelled back, "I can't!" "TRY HARDER!!" As suddenly as it began, it stopped about a quarter inch from the top of the cup. Whew. I put the lid on it and he said, "Can I see it?" I said, "Sure," and as soon as I handed it to him he exclaimed, "It's warm! I'm gonna go show the other kids!" He was off and running down the hallway before I could stop him. The teacher had just got the kids in a circle on the floor for story time and by the time I got to the classroom Levi was in the middle of the circle proudly announcing, "My Dad had me pee in this cup and it's warm!" Apparently since we taught him to share he then passed the jar around to everyone else and all the kids were amazed that if you pee in a cup it's warm. When I finally got it back the teacher wearily said, "Thanks Craig. Now we've got something to talk about all afternoon." But getting back to my ACL visit, he was right. It is hard to stop.

Psssst. Hey Guys...

2010-10-04T09:00:00Z

"Men's Health" found out the stuff she's not telling you:

- My best friend knows everything. She knows all of your vitals -- from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings -- and she knows how both compare with those of every other man I've ever dated.
- I have Googled your exes.
- At the beginning of our relationship, I saved all of your voice mails and listened to them (and make my friends listen, too), repeatedly.
- I check out your butt every time you leave the room.
- Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I'll think you're cheap if you let me.
- When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you.
- I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.
- I only appear to have it all together. My true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in my closet, my makeup bag, my desk files.
- You've made me cry more times than you'll ever know.

Things I've Learned

2010-10-01T16:00:00Z

When you're still a teen and meeting your high school sweetheart's parents for the first time and they're standing there as she opens the front door and as you extend your hand to them their Irish Setter comes barreling around the corner and hits your crotch full speed with his nose and you double over from the pain...there's no graceful way to recover from that.

How To Read Your Date

2010-10-01T09:00:00Z

The "New York Post" recently came up with a list of body cues and what they mean.

1. Is her face swollen? This is a good sign -- unless she's had too much to drink. It means your date likes you a lot, but she might not want you to know it (yet).
2. Is this person too perfect? If it seems that he's too perfect, chances are he's pretending to be someone he's not. Run!
3. Is her face all white and thin? It's going to be a stressful night. Your date is feeling the "flight or fight" syndrome.
4. Is his hair extra disheveled? Assuming it's not a fashion statement or your date isn't an artist or poet, this signals he didn't take the time to comb his hair. That says you're not worth even a minute in front of the mirror. Be careful!
5. Is she slumped or hunched? This girl has no self-confidence!
6. Is your date looking at everyone but you? He might do this because he's nervous, but it's also a signal he'll cheat. Move to a different place in the venue and see if he keeps it up. If so, go home early.
7. Is your date talking out of rhythm with hand movements? Alarm bells should go off. This is a favorite trick of salesmen and smooth talkers. What is happening in the brain isn't in tune with the rest of the body. Don't trust her!
8. Is your date acting too cocky? If so, it's a sign that he's insecure. You decide if it's endearing or annoying.
9. Is there a sincere, crinkly-eyed smile? This is what you want to see! It means she is really having a good time. On the other hand, if the smile seems forced or plastic, it means she's just being polite.
10. Is he sitting close (and you kind of like it)? Yes, chemistry can develop in as little as five minutes. If he has flushed cheeks and swollen lips, these are arousal cues. Honey, he's into you! If your body is reacting the same way, get a room.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-30T17:00:00Z

I've learned that you can keep throwing up long after you think you're finished. But I'll bet you already knew that.

Need To Pick Up A Man At The Grocery Store?

2010-09-30T09:00:00Z

Here's what his grocery cart says about him, according to Match.com:

- If he's got a list and trying to select fresh fruits and vegetables. Smile and walk away, because this guy's obviously taken. Clearly, his significant other has sent him out with a list to pick up a few things.
- If he's stacking super-sized econo-paks of mass market food products and household paper goods into his overflowing cart. He's obviously got a family at home.
- If he's filling his cart with frozen pizzas, TV dinners, hotdogs and baked beans, and beer in the can. He's definitely a bachelor, but he's limping. He may be a bit of a fixer-upper.
- If he's picking up still-warm roasted chicken, a pint of golden baked-in-the-store mac 'n cheese, and a bag of ready-to-eat salad greens. The contents of this guy's cart reveal that he's a comfort food kind of guy. A promising prospect.
- If he's humbly soliciting your advice on soft French cheeses, fresh red snapper, or how to pick out the perfectly ripe artichoke. He might be a catch and he's trying to get to know you. Reciprocate the flirtation by suggesting you two swap recipes. Maybe he'll ask for your number.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-29T16:00:00Z

You have to make your own fun at work. Remember the movie, "Waiting," and the game the guys played? Or was it a competition? All I know is that it was weird. But it serves as an example. Many work places have a game they sometimes play to entertain themselves and pass the time. From what I can tell, many of these games are just a more entertaining way to gossip. For instance one of our listeners told me she and her friends play the "Which Disgruntled Fellow Employee Would Be Most Likely to Snap and Take Hostages? Game." Sounds like fun and it might keep you on your toes. Then there's the game the ladies play at one of my favorite establishments. It seems to be a version of the "Death Is Not an Option" game we sometimes play on our show. When we do it, we give a listener a choice of two less than desirable options. For example, would you rather vomit marbles or sweat cheese? You have to pick one. Death is not an option. What these ladies do is ask each other, who would you rather sleep with? The options are always two weird/annoying/freaky/gross/scary customers or co-workers. They have great fun with it and the one time I enjoyed it as well because they told me the choices being given so it was entertaining to watch the victim agonize over it. However, I realized they were playing it again last week and when you're out of the loop you feel a tad vulnerable that you're being offered up as a bad choice. Laughter is always a good thing...except when you don't know what it's being directed at.

Why I'll Die Sooner & Poorer Than Most Guys

2010-09-29T09:00:00Z

(Men's Health) If you're susceptible to vice, find a wife. She'll save you from yourself and improve your life in a variety of ways:

- Increase your pay. A Virginia Commonwealth University study found that married men earn 22 percent more than their similarly experienced but single colleagues.
- Speed up your next promotion. married men receive higher performance ratings and faster promotions than bachelors, a 2005 study of U.S. Navy officers reported.
- Keep you out of trouble. According to recent u.S. Department of Justice report, male victims of violent crime are nearly four times more likely to be single than married.
- Help you beat cancer. In a Norwegian study, divorced and never married male cancer patients had 11 and 16 percent higher mortality rates, respectively, than married men.
- Help you live longer. A UCLA study found that people in generally excellent health were 88 percent more likely to die over the 8 year study period if they were single.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-28T14:00:00Z

You recognize when something's not fair at a young age. Of course, if it's unfair to your sister but not you, you also learn to keep your mouth shut. I did anyway. This came to mind because I was reading about a study that confirms the long held belief that younger siblings have it easier than those who came before them. It was funny because my parents made a big deal of stressing to my sisters and myself that you can achieve just about anything if you set your mind to it and work hard. I think they were a little a head of their time by not differentiating between the genders, either...at least theoretically. At some point though that changed. I can't even remember what it was but they had given me permission to do something that my older sister wasn't allowed to do. When she protested they said something along the lines of, "It's different for you because you're a girl...we're just protecting you." I remember it because at the time my inner voice was saying, "That's bullcrap. If I can do it, why can't she?" But my real voice didn't offer any support for her position because what ever it was she wasn't allowed to do, it was something I wanted to. Sure, it was self centered and hypocritical of me but at the time I thought I was the lucky one. Now I wonder if what they were really saying was, "It's different for you because we love you. Craig is expendable." Hmmm.

Are You A Match?

2010-09-28T09:00:00Z

Myron D. Lewis, author of "Making Right Turns In Your Relationship," offers these early signs that you and your new guy may have found the real deal:

- You crack each other up -- If you're a pair that really spark and get each other's sense of humor, that bodes well for a healthy future together. Not only are you having a blast with him now, but also down the road, that comic relief will take the edge off any heated arguments.
- Your spats fizzle fast -- All couples clash. However, if you can resolve your tiffs and get over the issue at hand fairly quickly, then you're genuinely open to seeing the other's point of view and moving forward, which is the touchstone of a tight twosome.
- You play together -- It's true what they say: If you can really cut loose in front of each other and don't feel the need to censor your behavior you have the freedom to be yourself and what it takes to stay together.
- You don't run hot and cold -- When you're sizzling one minute and frigid the next, there's doubt in your duo. But if your feelings for each other are constant even when he drives you nuts your bond is the real McCoy.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-27T16:00:00Z

I like to think that I'm a man of principle and not easily swayed, however I learned early in my career that I'm cheap and easy. I was fresh out of college and doing news at WCBA in Corning, New York. Corning isn't exactly a hotbed of breaking news but when a group called to invite me to a ground breaking ceremony I turned them down. I tried to explain that a ground breaking was more of a visual thing and not well suited to radio. I told them I'd mention the ceremony if they'd send me the information but this lady was good. She said, "Well, okay but if you were here for the ground breaking you'd get to go up in a glider." Say what? The ground breaking was for a sailplane museum they were building at Harris Hill. As you may have guessed, that's a hill near Corning and considered the birthplace of gliding in the U.S. When I was little I used to watch the gliders silently sailing around way up high and had often visited Harris Hill to watch them land or leave, being towed by a plane. So I thought, yeah, maybe that is a newsworthy story after all. It wasn't really, but if you ever get a chance to go up in a sailplane, do it! The competition gliders are tiny and light and those pilots can glide from New York to the southern states and back just using thermals and wind currents to stay aloft. The gliders you can get a ride in are considerably larger and heavier. When the plane is towing you up it feels kind of like you're in a small plane but when the pilot releases the tow rope it's like you suddenly stop and are just hanging there...in a heavy box. There's no engine noise and just a slight whooshing from the wind so there's little point of reference for movement. I thought this is what Wile E. Coyote must think every time he flies off a cliff and is just suspended there for a few seconds before he plummets to oblivion and hits with a small poof of dust. Of course we didn't plummet and you'll be glad to know I made it safely back to ground without breaking so I could break the ground breaking story. (But really, if you want a cool weekend getaway, it's only about three and a half hours from here. Take a glider ride, visit the Corning Glass museum and the wineries in the Finger Lakes region. Tell 'em Warvel sent you.)

Whadda Ya Do?

2010-09-27T09:00:00Z

Peter Post, author of "Essential Manners for Men" (and etiquette guru Emily Post's great-grandson) says:

Let it slide if...

- He puts your call on hold when he's at work -- and forgets to come back.
- He doesn't hold the door.
- His bodily functions could break the sound barrier.
- At a wedding, he dances with other women.

Raise hell if...

- He never, ever puts the seat down.
- He interrupts while you're on the phone.
- He puts on SportsCenter 10 seconds after you have sex.
- He curses at other drivers.
- He stays horizontal on the couch when your friends arrive.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-24T17:00:00Z

Hey guys, if you want to make an impression with the females, it's all about accessorizing. Okay...actually in my case the only females I seem to impress tend to be under six, but at least it makes their moms laugh. A friend's daughter used to refer to me as "that man with the fancy pants." In her mind they were fancy because there's a chain on my wallet. Apparently I made a good impression. It can go the other way, too. Another woman e-mailed me about her little girl who felt compelled to warn Mom about "that robber man" up ahead. That one didn't even notice my fancy pants. Apparently she took notice of my bandana and everyone knows robber men wear those. I gotta come up with a new outfit. Apparently I'm sending mixed signals.

Her Eyebrows

2010-09-24T09:00:00Z

According to "web goddess" Serena, they reveal her relationship apppetite:

- Thick: She's naturally drawn towards action and adventure and is quick to look around. She finds it hard to have a permanent relationship with just one partner.
- Thin: She has little interest in long term relationships.
- Close-set: She's jealous.
- Wide-set: She's inhibited and shy.
- Curved: She's very sensual.
- Triangular: She prefers to be your best friend rather than passionate mate.
- Straight: She's very conventional and trustworthy. A gal to take home to meet the parents.

(Who's still using the word gal?)

Things I've Learned

2010-09-23T16:00:00Z

The "Showcase" had an article today featuring the Waterford Hotel and that took me back about 12 years. There was a picture of some of the current staff behind the bar, where I spent some quality time for several months in between radio gigs. The "Hotel," as everyone calls it, is one of the funkiest buildings around and since it dates back a gazillion years, there's the inevitable ghost stories, which the newspaper article touched on. I never saw any ghosts when I worked there, but it was the place I discovered people apparently don't consider me an authority figure. I was working when a tornado warning came on the television, so I yelled to the crowd, "Could I have your attention please? They've just issued a tornado warning. For your safety I'd like all of the men to move to the basement at this time and if the women would all join me in the beer cooler we should be okay." Not a single person moved. That was the last time I ever tried to save anyone.

Men & Women & Money

2010-09-23T09:00:00Z

A survey sponsored by ING Direct USA found that 61% of men find a frugal blind date to be both "smart" and "sexy." Want more?

- 68% of American men and women agree that women are better at managing household finances, including managing bills and household spending.
- More than 60% of Americans think men are better at managing investments.
- Men are also almost twice as confident as women (29% vs. 18%) when it comes to investing in the stock market and putting money into retirement accounts.
- When it comes to the stock market, less than 13% of Americans consider themselves to be very confident about investing or putting money into retirement accounts.
- 50% of American men and women are more intimidated by investing in the stock market than doing their own taxes (34%), completing mortgage applications (24%), technology (19%) or their in-laws (10%).
- When it comes to sex versus chocolate, chocolate wins. Women are less willing to give up chocolate and shopping (39%) than they are sex and alcohol (16%) to eliminate debt.
- Men are more upset about losing a job (46%) than about an unfaithful spouse (39%) or accumulating debt (34%).
- Women are likely to be more upset about an unfaithful spouse (44%) than losing a job (40%) or accumulating debt (27%).
- Women are more likely to be upset about gaining weight (30%) than accumulating debt (27%).
- Men said they'd be more upset about accumulating debt (34%) than gaining weight (24%).
(That's 'cuz when we look in the mirror, we don't see the beer belly.)

Things I've Learned

2010-09-22T16:00:00Z

It amazes me how people tend to compartmentalize the seasons. There are a lot of guys who "put up their bike for the winter," and might have already done that, but I don't get it. You've got this wonderful toy...play with it! Enjoy it. It's like having a trophy wife you rarely uh, have fun with. What a waste. Fall is officially starting but there's plenty of good riding time left. I've already had people act surprised when I'm out riding and the temperature is in the low 50's. If you've got the right gear you're comfortable. My cut-off point is generally 45-48 degrees mostly because when you're going 55, even with a helmet on, you get an "ice cream" headache. Then again, I believe my outside thermometer at home is pretty optimistic so I could actually be riding in colder weather than that. The only time it's a problem is when you're pushing the envelope and something unexpected happens. It doesn't matter whether it's a torrential rain or snow my friends always have the same response. Once a guy I knew was in the parking lot at Giant Eagle in Girard and I had scooted up there to get something. The big, heavy, wet snow was not expected and it wasn't sticking but he told me later he was on the phone with his wife and had said, "Oh, you're not going to believe it. There's some *jerk* on a motorcycle riding in this *crap*...oh, it's Warvel." Another time years ago Levi and I were heading across Rt. 20 when it started to rain something fierce. Before I could find a place to pull over a woman I know who was on the phone with another friend of mine told her as she passed by me, "Oh my God, I can barely see where I'm going and there's some *idiot* out here in this *storm* with a kid on the back of his motorcycle...oh, it's Warvel." But those moments are few and far between. I know a guy who rides his motorcycle year round. You'll see it parked in icy parking lots as snow piles up around it. Now that boy is crazy!

(Editors note: * denotes words that either end in "hole" or are substitutes for excrement.)

How Do You Feel About Your Butt?

2010-09-22T09:00:00Z

A recent eDiets survey found that only 5 percent said they were very satisfied and wouldn't change a thing. Most of us have other ideas:

- Very dissatisfied, 42%
- Somewhat dissatisfied, 29.3%
- Satisfied, 9%
- Somewhat satisfied, 13.7%
- Very satisfied, 5.8%

It's Not Just His Ex

2010-09-21T09:00:00Z

"Cosmopolitan" says these are four other kinds of women he shouldn't be solo with:

- The Perfect 10 -- You know he has no chance with her, but just being seen with a knockout makes other women look twice. He'll get hit on by a swarms of curious 6's and 7's.
- The Great Listener -- This Platonic buddy's face and body may be so-so, but it's her ears he could fall for eventually, especially when he needs an ego boost.
- Your Drunk Friend -- Let him drive her home and she could crush on him then use every secret she knows about you to convince him he can do better.
- The Hilarious, Happily Married Co-worker -- Mental fling alert. The ring and sense of humor let her get away with sharing crazy sex tales while gauging his actual interest.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-20T16:00:00Z

Think twice before you get into a competition over something stupid. I could give you plenty of examples of making bad bets...usually fueled by a particular type of liquid...but I'm thinking of something else that scarred me years ago. It came to mind because Jessica had asked me about a guy I used to work with and that brought the horror back like it happened yesterday. This unnamed friend and I had gotten into a contest to gross-out or out-scare each other. He won and I'll never do that again. I don't even remember what all we had done...just what he did that made me declare him the winner. I was sitting at my desk when he walked in and shoved his hand under my face. It was covered with toilet paper and there was what appeared to be a very fresh, uh, stool on it. That was enough to make me recoil in disgust but then he immediately brought it up to his mouth and took a bite. Auuuuugggghhhhh! That's when I declared him the winner and ran out of the room. It turned out that he had chewed up a bunch of Oreo cookies, then spit the goo out and formed it into what looked like something fished out of a toilet bowl. Who even thinks of something like that? I wonder if he remembers that...it was 20-some years ago. He's got a suit and tie kind of job now. Hmmm. Wonder if he'd like a surprise stroll down memory lane.

The Male Mind

2010-09-20T09:00:00Z

According to "Cosmo":

- Women have a keen sense of smell. Men don't notice odors as much.
- Women recall every romantic event in detail. Men not so much.
- Women think about sex daily. Men think about it incessantly.
- Women cheat for the connection. Men cheat for the thrill.
- Women can quickly tell if someone's upset. Men don't pick up on sadness as easily.
- Women are tuned in to relationship problems. Men don't recognize issues as readily.
- Women find problems where none exist. Men are more rational.
- Women know they're lost immediately. Men don't realize they're lost for a long time.
- Women express their heartache after a split. Men act like nothing's wrong.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-17T16:00:00Z

It's refreshing sometimes when health professionals let down their guard a little and talk like normal people. You know, tell it like it is. Then again, sometimes it's a little unsettling. Long ago when I was getting an impacted wisdom tooth taken out the dentist was having a hard time with it. He was pushing so hard on it that I was sliding down in the chair. It didn't hurt, I was really numbed up, but all of a sudden there was a loud "crack!" He said, "Oh Sh**!" That got my attention. From my numbed up, tool filled mouth came, "Whaddayameohshi? Whyyathayohshi!?" He said, "I'm sorry, your tooth broke. Everything is fine. At least I can get it out now." Everything was fine but it got me to thinking of other times you wouldn't want to hear, "Oh Sh**!" Some that came to mind:

From your car mechanic when he first opens the hood.
From your girlfriend when you stop by her apartment unannounced and say, "Hey, I'm here."
From your proctologist.
From the woman you hope to make your fiancé when you pull out the ring.

Come up with your own. You can send them to warvel@star104.com

For The Guys

2010-09-17T11:47:00Z

Once again, I'm not sure if I buy all this, but "Men's Health" says this is how to tell whether to make a move or just move on...

- She's leaving with you if... her toes -- the ones dangling from her cross-legged position -- are pointed toward you. (Bonus if her foot is dangling -- she's foot flirting with you.) She's just plain leaving if... her toes are pointed toward the handsome man by your side, or her leg is crossed in the direction facing away from you.
- She's leaving with you if... she asks if you like "Sex and the City" (her excuse to flirt and bring up naughty topics). She's just plain leaving if... she mentions you seem like a "Everyone Loves Raymond" type of guy.
- She's leaving with you if... she whips out her compact mirror and puts on lip liner and lipstick right in front of you. (We women think this turns guys on.) She's just plain leaving if... she goes to the ladies' room and returns completely uncoifed (meaning she didn't even adjust her makeup or hair for you).
- She's leaving with you if... she wants you to meet "the girls." She's just plain leaving if... she skips a chance to introduce you to her friends (probably because she doesn't need their approval or want their competition).
- She's leaving with you if... she's asked you a laundry list of questions (three or more), and she's still talking to you. She's just plain leaving if... he hasn't asked you any questions at all. (Sorry, she's not even scoping you out.)
- She's leaving with you if... her hands keep creeping up and tossing her hair -- she's telling you she's healthy and playful. She's just plain leaving if... her body doesn't move or fidget at all -- she thinks you're not quite as exciting as "the CBS Evening News."

For The Guys

2010-09-17T09:00:00Z

Things I've Learned

2010-09-16T16:00:00Z

Leftover onion rings are not a good food choice for lunch at work. I learned this about an hour ago after I warmed up my leftover Pot Roast Panini sandwich and onion rings in the microwave. Apparently the microwave turns the onion into rubber. Something else I learned today, approximately 10 minutes ago: If you're developing a cold and you have a couple of days worth of beard stubble and you're blowing your nose into toilet paper, it really pays to check the mirror before you leave the men's room to see if there are little specks of white paper on your upper lip. Trust me on this one. Toilet paper around your mouth isn't a good look for anyone.

Pick Your Words Carefully

2010-09-16T09:00:00Z

According to "Cosmopolitan," some things can be held against you:

- You say: "I don't care about that damn dog," referring to the pooch you bought together. The law says: If you don't have a prior agreement as to who will get the dog if you split, your ex can use your words as evidence to prove that he should.
- You say: "My deepest, darkest secret? At 17, I was arrested for stealing." The law says: If your ex is missing $500 and pins it on you, he's out of luck. Someone's past does not create the grounds for a lawsuit.
- You say: "Honey, here's my ATM card and PIN. Use it to pay for our trip." The law says: If your ex uses the info to buy anything other than the vacation, you can have him charged with a criminal offense.
- You say (to 10 of your closest friends): "Matt has the smallest pen** I've ever seen." The law says: If he finds out that you've been making fun of his manhood -- and can prove that you've exposed him to ridicule with your remarks -- your ex can sue you for slander.
- You say: "Don't worry, I'll help pay your bills until you find a better job." The law says: A financial promise like this is not binding in court unless he makes a promise in return, but watch what you agree to.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-15T17:00:00Z

Coffee is like your love life. It's either hot or cold...no in between. Well, at least that's true for me...for the coffee at least. I'm a little rusty on the love life at this point, but I'm still attempting to drink coffee. At home I'll pour a cup and then ignore it until it's cold. Maybe it's not so bad for people who like iced coffee, but taking a gulp of cold coffee makes me want to spit it out. So I put the cup in the micro-wave and set it to run for 1 and a half minutes because I've scientifically determined that to be the optimum heating time for my micro-wave. However I've also learned from my longitudinal study that 1 and a half minutes is precisely the length of time needed for me to forget I put it in the micro-wave so when I remember 45 minutes later, the process starts over. It's a vicious circle. Fascinating, I know. But at work it's different. I use an insulated cup with a cap that helps keep it warm so the intervals of drinkable coffee are longer. That lulls me into a sense of security so when I refill it with hot coffee, I forget it was slowly cooling off so the first gulp is excruciating...not unlike that first bite of pizza that coats the roof of your mouth with molten cheese. The most surprising part of all this is that you're still reading. Don't you have something better to do?

Annoyed?

2010-09-15T09:00:00Z

According to the recent easyMobile.com Modern Mobile Manners survey, people who talk too loudly on their cell phone in public is the most annoying cell phone trait. Here are a few highlights from the survey:

- More than half said that talking loudly is more annoying than a ringtone or listening to someone else's cell phone conversation during dinner.
- Three quarters think that people care less about manners since cell phones were invented.
- Two thirds ignored calls after seeing their caller ID and 80% of those admitted to lying about it to the caller.
- Over 75% regularly answered calls during dinner with friends.
- Personally I think people who talk on their phones...and even worse, text...while driving are the most annoying. Seriously, can't it wait?

Things I've Learned

2010-09-14T16:00:00Z

Everybody needs to slow down. It absolutely amazes (and scares) me how many people regularly run red lights now. And every time a man or woman goes zooming by me on Rt. 20 on the way to Fairview, I really want to pull up next to them at the stop light and congratulate them on getting there 30 seconds faster. Of course I'd also ask what kind of emergency brain surgery they're on their way to perform, presumably in Cleveland since they're heading that way, and suggest it might be quicker to use I-90. Really people, you can't leave where you're coming from just a tad earlier instead of endangering others? I blame fast food for all this. Everyone wants every thing right now! It's especially funny in taverns when people come to pick up food orders they called in. When they start snorting and making comments under their breath because they've had to wait 3 whole minutes I've actually asked, "You do know you're not at McDonald's, right?" People should learn to relax and take that time to reflect on the important things in life. I actually get a little spiritual. If my to-go order isn't ready I think, "Aw...that's God's way of saying, 'Hey, why don't you have a beer?'" You don't argue with the almighty.

Wanna Play Around?

2010-09-14T09:00:00Z

A MensHealth.com poll asked, "What's her favorite sport to play on a date?"

- 32% said miniature golf.
- 26% said bowling.
- 24% said pool.
- 7% said table tennis.
- 6% said tennis.
- 5% said fishing.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-13T17:00:00Z

Sometimes you have to question your beliefs. I'm not talking about religion or anything like that. I'm talking about things you believe happened in your past. I've noticed that when I'm talking with someone I used to work or play with that they often have completely different memories of things we had shared. That means one of us is wrong...or both of us. It became especially clear recently when I mentioned to Jessica something about last year's Pick Your Perfect Wedding bride doing a wedding dance with stilts on so she'd be the same height as her husband. Jessica said that never happened and we argued at little about it. A few days after that Maggie, the bride, called in to wish this years contestants good luck so I eagerly asked her about it knowing that she would confirm my memory and prove Jessica wrong. As it turned out Maggie had no idea what I was talking about and her tone changed from a friendly chat to someone concerned about their safety. So how did the stilts dance become a "real" event in my mind? Did I dream that? Did I see video of someone else doing that? Am I losing my mind? The worst part is I'm questioning everything now. My whole life could be a lie! What's real and what's not? On the other hand, this might be a good thing. Maybe Spencer Pratt and Lindsay Lohan's dad don't really exist.

If You Can't Trust These People, Who Can You Trust?

2010-09-13T09:00:00Z

The "Sun" has consulted a "blue ribbon panel" of psychics for their awe inspiring insights into what is to come between now and Thanksgiving Day:

- A cosmetics crime wave sweeps inner cities as teens begin injecting Botox to get high.
- England's Prince Charles refuses the throne and moves with Camilla Parker-Bowles to a grass hut in Tahiti.
- Radicals use a cable new network to fool Americans into thinking an alien attack is in full force. In the midst of the chaos, they take over the government.
- A discovery of a massive diamond deposit turns Canada into a world power.
- Newt Gingrich is injured in a trout fishing accident.
- Reporters uncover a hidden CIA interrogation facility underneath a Las Vegas nightclub.
- Scandinavia fishermen begin catching a previously unknown species of fish. Those who eat it are slowly transformed into inhuman, scaly creatures.
- German scientists invent a pill that makes people smarter.
- After a string of deadly cases of morning road rage, New York officials declare coffee a dangerous drug and ban it.
- On Thanksgiving weekend it snows in Miami, Phoenix and Los Angeles.
- Sinkholes begin swallowing the French Quarter of New Orleans.
- A bizarre deer migration closes a major Interstate.
- NASA secretly plans to build orbiting hotels.
- A high school chemistry student discovers a simple, cheap way to turn lead into gold.
- Geneticists cross a German shepherd with a chimpanzee and create a pet that can walk upright and communicate with humans.
- A brain implant with a transmitter the size of a dandruff flake allows users to make phone calls simply by thinking.
- A computer virus cripples world communication, nearly triggering World War III.
- By the second week of November, scientist perfect a sleep ray and begin selling the device to airport security staff.
- An inventor markets the world's first "hoverboard" a skateboard that floats several inches above the sidewalk.
- Mel Gibson becomes the bishop of his own denomination.
- South American tribes begin cutting cocaine with jungle herbs that give the users visions of Heaven and God's judgment on sinners.
- Astronomers locate an object on a collision course with Earth. It appears to have enormous wings and a flaming sword. - Archaeologists find the Holy Grail in the Falkland Islands.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-10T17:00:00Z

I do a lot of stupid things just to see if I can do it. A good example would be the time I decided to see how long I could ride my motorcycle with my eyes closed. (Yeah, I know that's stupid. Didn't you read the first line?) By the way, it's not for very long. You feel like you're losing balance. Speaking of which I had the wonderful opportunity yesterday to go out on the Niagara to be part of the tall ships parade. We headed out around 1 and did a loop around the bay and then spent 3 hours out on the lake. Holy cow! It was much windier out there and there were some pretty good sized waves so it was a roller-coaster ride. We were rockin' and rollin'! That's when I did something stupid. A number of people were getting sea-sick so a woman was offering everyone tablets for motion-sickness. I was feeling a little queasy but I told her, "Nah, I think I'm fine." Why didn't I just take one to be on the safe side? Because I wanted to see if I could handle it without any help. Guess what? (Why do I have the feeling most of you are thinking, "You threw up!") Well I didn't. Ha! Does it make me a better person? Nope. But it made me happy for some strange reason. Although right now it's making me feel kinda stupid for being proud about keeping food down. Of course, I'd feel different about that if I was a recovering bulimic.

Wanna Be Annoying?

2010-09-10T09:00:00Z

My favorite one to leave is #1. I can go on forever. According to "Netscape" these are the 10 most annoying voice mails received.

1. The Marathon Message -- The extremely long voicemail that never ends.
2. The Death March -- Leaving a phone number at the end of a long voicemail. If you missed it, you now have to listen through the entire message just to get the phone number.
3. The Screaming Eagle -- The voicemail left in a noisy bar or as a fire truck is passing by.
4. The Drunken Dispatch -- The classic drunk-dial voicemail.
5. Voicemail Interrupted -- As the person is leaving the voicemail, they stop in the middle to have a conversation with someone else or answer another call before they return to finish the message.
6. The Misguided Message -- A person or telemarketer leaves a message for you that was actually intended for someone else.
7. Voicemail Incognito -- The anonymous voicemail, where the caller assumes you can identify their voice.
8. The Dehydrated Dispatch -- Any voicemail left by someone with a bad hangover.
9. One Way Wonder -- When the person thinks they are speaking to you when they are actually talking to your voicemail.
10. The Pocket Dialer -- The person that accidentally calls you because the phone is in their pocket or purse and isn't key-locked, leading to an endless soundtrack of them walking down the street, driving, or having a conversation with someone else.

Guys To Avoid

2010-09-09T09:00:00Z

Askmen.com came up with this list:

- The Needy Guy -- He is overly emotional and shares all his feelings with her right away.
- The Predictable Guy -- He follows formulas and never wants to do anything differently.
- The Arrogant Guy -- He has a huge ego and he's condescending. He is also rude.
- The Boorish Guy -- He doesn't try to hide the fact that he's checking out other women while in her presence.
- The Cheap Guy -- He invites a woman to dinner and then subtly suggests they go Dutch.
- The Arguer -- When he takes a woman out, he makes her feel like she's in debate class rather than on a date.
- The Self-Righteous Guy -- This guy is very judgmental of others.
- The Misogynist -- This guy makes no secret of his bitterness toward women.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-08T17:00:00Z

If you're doing news on the radio and you quickly try to get in one last story, make sure it isn't about pheasant pluckers.

Grandparents Ain't What They Used To Be

2010-09-08T09:00:00Z

In my mind, grandparents are supposed to be old, wrinkled, white-haired beings. But I remember reading that the average grandparent now is 48 years old. Last night I was talking with a couple of women who had become grandparents much younger than that. Here's some other grandparent stats from "Family Circle:"

- There are about 56 million grandparents in the U.S.
- 1.9 million grandparents are responsible for being the sole caretakers for their grandchildren.
- 8% of all U.S. children live with at least one grandparent.
- 38% of grandparents say they'd happily look after their grandkids for more than two weeks.

(P.S. I'm not a grandparent and I told Levi to keep it that way.)

Things I've Learned

2010-09-07T16:00:00Z

It's good to periodically recalibrate your life by putting things in the proper perspective. I thought of this when we ran a bit recently by the comedians, the Sklar brothers. They're identical twins and were talking about a case where doctors messed up the vasectomy of one of identical twin babies and the parents decided to raise that boy as a girl. Apparently it was an actual case and the "girl" never felt comfortable in her own skin so the parents eventually told the truth. The Sklar brothers' point was that they felt bad for the other boy because he'd never be able to complain about anything around his twin brother again..."Man, I had a long wait at the bank. Oh really? Was it as long as it was for me to find out I'm not a girl?" It was closer to home yesterday as Jessica and I took turns at the MDA telethon asking for donations and hanging out with and talking to people who've been dealt that card. It makes you think twice about complaining about your back pain when you've heard everything an 8 year old boy in a wheelchair has already been through in his life. But as I said, it's good to periodically recalibrate. At least it is for me. I just can't seem to go very long without falling back into complaining and then I need a new dose of reality. Then again, maybe that's normal. If you were always upbeat and positive people would be suspicious. Speaking of which, where's Jessica? I wonder what she's up to. This can't be good.

Wake Up!

2010-09-07T09:00:00Z

The National Sleep Foundation did a survey of 1,506 adults and here's what they found out:

- Three quarters of the adults surveyed said they frequently have a sleep problem. Those problems include difficulty falling asleep, waking up too early and not being able to get back to sleep, snoring or waking up feeling unrefreshed.
- Three-fourths said their partner has a sleep problem. The most common problem was snoring.
- The average amount of sleep for an adult is 6.9 hours. Experts say adults should be getting a minimum of seven to nine hours of sleep a night.
- Six in ten adult motorists say they've been behind the wheel while drowsy in the past year. Four percent reported having had an accident or near-accident because they were too tired or actually dozed off while driving.
- Roughly a fourth of those surveyed who have partners said their sex life has been hurt because they've been too sleepy. The respondents said they had sex less often or lost interest because they were tired.
- When disturbed by a partner's sleep problem, the other partner loses an average of 49 minutes of shut eye a night -- or 300 hours a year.
- 26 percent are at risk for sleep apnea -- pauses in their breathing while asleep.
- 70 percent of the respondents said their doctor has never asked them about their sleep habits.
- More than half the respondents take a nap at least once a week. One third take naps two or more times a week.
- 49 percent of males say they get more sleep than they need, compared to 37 percent of females.
- 47 percent of the respondents said they stay up later than they planned or wanted to at least a few nights during the week.

Things I've Learned

2010-09-02T17:00:00Z

Sometimes it's fun to be a disappointment. Not with girlfriends, of course. That's not at all fun. They make you feel like a scolded puppy and you want to pee on the floor. No, I'm talking about those moments when you're the center of attention of a bunch of strangers. For example, the time I was walking off the ice during a hockey game at the civic center while being booed by a couple thousand people. (I had failed to win them all pizzas in a contest that involved some schmuck trying to put some pucks in the net from center ice.) Being booed by that many people isn't something that's experienced by everyone. Then there was that time at the old Ainsworth Field when I threw out the first pitch at a baseball game and it hit the net about 10 feet above the catcher's head. Levi was with me. He was around 3 or 4 and during those boos there were calls of, "Let the kid pitch! He'd be better!" Sports fans are an exuberant bunch. But the disappointment I get to enjoy every year is during Roar On The Shore. I'm always up at the casino for the gathering of bikers before the parade into town. They always want to me to ride in that, but I don't like being around that many bikers. I've been riding for almost 40 years. I know what I'm doing. In a parade like that the person next to me might have just started. It makes me nervous. So I sneak out just before the parade starts and cruise down Glenwood Park Avenue. There are hundreds of people in lawn chairs waiting to see thousands of bikes go by and when they hear me coming they all turn their heads to see if it started. Nope...it's just me. Being the let down is entertaining and I like to think I make it entertaining for them too. I give them the princess/parade wave as I go by. Seeing a biker do that isn't something that's experienced by everyone.

Guess What? Marrying Her Wasn't Enough!

2010-09-02T09:00:00Z

Unless you're lucky enough to be married to a woman named Kelli, AOL.com Living says women deserve six basic emotional commitments and you should talk about these "over and over again" before you even get engaged:

- He is committed to learning everything he can about you.
- He is committed to always trying to be a better mate by actively working on improving himself and getting rid of any unhealthy emotional habits.
- He is committed to working hard to express his love through words and through affection, and to fulfill your needs.
- He is committed to doing whatever it takes to make your relationship work.
- He will work on problems by discussing them, and using books, tapes, counseling, or any other tools available to help your marriage.
- He is committed to staying emotionally open in your relationship. He will communicate his feelings to you, let you know what's going on inside of him, and reach out, rather than push you away.

(And people wonder why I'm still single...)

Things I've Learned

2010-09-01T16:00:00Z

Your perspective of distance depends on whether you're the one traveling or not...and sometimes moms are way smarter than doctors. I learned this because when Levi was a baby he would go days without pooping so we took him to the family doctor. He decided that "to be on the safe side" we should see a specialist at Children's Hospital in Buffalo. Apparently there was a chance that he could be suffering from a disease in which a portion of the bowel doesn't move things along and that would require that section of bowel to be removed. So I took a day off and drove Levi and his mother to Buffalo. There was a lot of waiting but finally a doctor examined him...poked and pushed him a few times and told us to make a follow-up visit for the next week. We drove up the next week and a different doctor poked and pushed him a few times and told us to come back the following week. Of course I was already getting a little ticked by this and had vented about it at work. One of my buddies who came from a family of 10 kids came in the next day and said, "My mom said he's constipated. Give him Karo Syrup and water." I was like, "Uh, thanks, but we're seeing specialists and they think it might be something more." So we went back to Buffalo the next week and yet a different doctor came in...poked and pushed him a few times and said, "Bring him back in a week." That's when I politely said...at a somewhat higher decibel level, "You know what? I'm getting a little tired of this. We're coming here from Erie, Pennsylvania and this is our third trip to hear the exact same thing!" He said, "Well Erie's not that far of a drive." I said, "Good. Why don't you take a day off next week and drive down to examine him there?" That's when he apparently thought it would be a good idea to consult the other doctors. He came back and said...honest to God..."He's constipated. Give him Karo Syrup and water." I can't remember what his name was but I'm thinking it might have been Dick.

What's He Up To?

2010-09-01T09:00:00Z

According to "Cosmopolitan" these are signs he might be lying to you:

- He wraps his ankle around the leg of a chair.
- He suddenly puts his hands in his pockets.
- He shrugs one or both shoulders.
- He uses his index finger to rub just underneath his nose.
- He tells you those pants don't make your butt look big. (Sorry. Cosmo didn't say that. I added it on my own.)

Things I've Learned

2010-08-31T17:00:00Z

I have a theory that all men require a certain amount of criticism and abuse. If there wasn't any the majority of us wouldn't get anything done or grow or improve in any way. If you don't believe me, then how else can you explain the institution of marriage? However, I discovered long ago that I could get my minimum daily requirement by hanging out with female bartenders and waitresses. Those ladies don't take any guff and once they get to know you, they don't mind telling you what's wrong with you on a regular basis. Sure, my theory may be flawed but it is entertaining. I like sharing it with married guys in bars right before they have to leave and go home. They look at you like you're the guy who scratched off a million dollar lottery ticket right before they bought theirs. Okay, I've never actually seen the million dollar lottery ticket look but I imagine there's a big dose of "what if" and I have seen that.

What Is He Thinking?

2010-08-31T09:00:00Z

About your clothes. "Cosmo" asked 100 men what they thought when their girlfriend is looking really sexy:

- 60% said, "I love going out with her when she looks this hot."
- 20% said, "It's great at home, but I don't like all the glances she gets outside."
- 20% said, "I hate it because too many guys are looking at her."

Things I've Learned

2010-08-30T17:00:00Z

Listen to your mom. It might save someone's life or give you a choice of where to sit. I was reminded of this yesterday while riding my motorcycle south on Rt. 98. I was just out of Fairview when an oncoming pick-up truck startled the crap out of me. All of a sudden a big mattress came flying out of the truck bed (ironic, huh?) and sailed over into my lane about 15 feet in the air. I grabbed a bunch of brake and kept thinking, "Which way are you going? Give me a sign. Do I need to swerve left or right?" Yeah, I talk to inanimate objects, don't you? Fortunately it sailed mostly across my lane and landed half on the road and half on the shoulder. I got around it instead of over it and looked in my rear-view mirror and saw that the truck had several more mattresses in the back. The driver was already pulling over to turn around and normally I'd be a little ticked off over something like that. But I realized he was probably just some poor schmuck who didn't listen to his mom. One fall when I was heading back to college I had packed an easy chair and a bean bag chair in the back of my dad's pick-up truck. Mom said, "Don't you think you need to tie those down?" With that condescending tone only college students who already know everything can muster I said, "Mom, they're not going anywhere...they're fine." Dames. Whadda they know? So I headed down the road and had only gone a few miles when I looked in the rear-view mirror and noticed I was missing an easy chair and a bean bag chair. I turned around and went back about a mile to find that someone had already stolen the bean bag chair. They left the easy chair though...perhaps because two of its legs had busted off. Obviously they weren't know-it-all college students. I just sawed off the other two legs and still had a functional, albeit exceptionally short, easy chair.

Did You Know?

2010-08-30T09:00:00Z

According to "Cosmopolitan":

- Pets are now being treated for OCD. Dogs who chase their tails and cats who groom nonstop can be given anti-anxiety medicines.
- The recession seems to be stimulating people's sweet tooth. Perhaps because candy is comforting and a cheap indulgence, Americans are consuming more of it. Companies like Cadbury and Nestle's have seen double digit growth.
- 43% of men say their favorite summer activity is anything involving water.
- Research shows people are happier when they spend money on experience rather than possessions.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-20T18:00:00Z

You don't always achieve your goals. I'm on vacation all next week and since this will remain the same I wanted to leave you with something that had some staying power and makes you reflect...

Refer to the beginning.

Men And Their Best Friends

2010-08-20T09:00:00Z

The author of "What A Lucky Dog! Understanding Men Through Their Dogs," Wendy Diamond, has made these observations about the owners and their choice of pets:

- The Mutt -- This down-to-earth Renaissance man is the ideal mate. Be prepared to give the scattered, insecure puppy a lot of TLC, but he's worth it.
- Beagle -- These guys tend to be handsome heartbreakers. They also love gardens.
- Bulldog -- These fellows may not be the most attractive of the pack, but the wags can always make you laugh with a great sense of humor. Still they can be moody, immature and lacking in table manners.
- Shih Tzu -- These Zen-like guys love romantic dinners.
- Rottweiler -- With a protective nature, this man is happiest with a house full of family. But they can be bossy and a bit suspicious.
- Yorkie -- Supremely confident, this guy is fearless and charming, and used to getting away with murder.
- German Shepherd -- These males perk up their ears at a complex problem, mystery or important mission. They're also very loyal.
- Poodle -- Be ready to discuss wine, art and culture, but don't commit if you want more than one child.
- Labrador Retriever -- This energetic, active and social breed makes a great father, if you can handle a real guy's guy who loves sports and the outdoors, and gets into mischief when bored.
- Pug -- Witty and playful, if you can get past their dignified pose.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-19T17:00:00Z

Men are really good at denial. That's the only way to explain the old guys who do the "comb-over" with the part in their hair halfway down one side of their head. But it starts much earlier than that. Those of us who weren't good at sports needed a lot of humiliation before we could admit to ourselves that we simply sucked at those endeavors. I'm sure it was as blatant as a comb-over to anyone observing, but we couldn't see it. All of this cluelessness is most painfully illustrated as we go through the aging process. In our heads we still think we're in our 30's when we're entering our 50's. All of this comes to mind because I saw an acquaintance's name in the Showcase today and she was one of the first of many, many painful incidents that finally made me realize I'm not young anymore. She used to bartend at one of my favorite places and although we'd say hi, I didn't really know her. Then one day she said, "Hey, I've got a picture of us together. I'll bring it in and show you." She's an attractive woman so I thought, "Cool. We must have been at the same party together. Now I've got something in common with her." The next time I saw her she called me over and handed me an old photograph. (Old is the key word here.) It was me all right, but who was that little girl standing next to me? I was close. It wasn't a party we were both at. It was a parade and apparently she got her Dad to take the picture when she saw me. Okay, maybe we didn't have so much in common. But like I said, it was the first of many reminders and they continue even though I think I get it now. I was chatting recently with another attractive acquaintance who knows what my work hours are like and she asked if I stay up later on the weekends. I said, "No, even on Friday and Saturday nights I'm pretty tired by 9 or 10." She said, "That's probably normal for guys your age." Thanks. I needed that.

Do You Have The Cashsion?

2010-08-19T09:00:00Z

(Women's Health) According to a recent British survey, nearly 2 million people in the UK say that money troubles have cost them more than a night of passion.

- 1 in 5 people say that financial problems affect their sex life.
- A women's libido is twice as more likely to be affected by money concerns than a man's.
- 1 in 2 people fight more with their significant other when they're stressed about money.
- 37% of people say they cut back on quality time with their partner because of money problems.
- 66% of people say they never bring up their finances with their partner, family, or friends to avoid unwanted anxiety.

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Directions

2010-08-18T09:00:00Z

iVillage.com lists things they say men should do, but don't.

- Use Coupons.
- Get Regular Check-Ups.
- Follow Recipes.
- Maintain Your Stuff.
- Read Instructions.
- Do Laundry Properly.
- Throw Away Old Belongings.
- Watch Less TV.
- Check Food Expiration Dates.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-17T17:00:00Z

A friend of mine e-mailed me a list of bar rules from "Modern Drunkard Magazine." I don't know why. I already knew them. But I'll share some of them with you:

- If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
- Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
- If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. If she accepts, she still might not like you. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
- Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
- If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
- The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
- Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
- Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
- Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
- The patrons at your local bar are your extended family...your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

Looking For Work?

2010-08-17T09:00:00Z

Here are some job search traps and ways to avoid them from Careerbuilder.com:

- You put all your eggs in one basket. If you're like most job seekers, you probably heavily rely on the Internet to help you in your job search. While the Web can come in handy as a way to research potential employers, determine which companies are hiring and locate positions specific to your area, it should be just one of the many tools you employ.
- You don't make finding a job a full-time job. Sending out a handful of resumes a week is a lot like tossing a single bottle into the ocean and hoping someone responds to the message you left inside. To find a job, you must cast a wide net. It's a numbers game, and the more inquiries you make, resumes you submit and employment interviews you go on, the better your chances of success.
- You're less than perfect. Believe it or not, even one typo or grammatical goof in any of your application materials could be keeping you from finding a new position. With dozens or even hundreds of candidates to evaluate, a hiring manager won't think twice about passing on the applicant who has five years of "word professing" experience.
- You don't follow up. One easy way to stand out from the crowd of applicants: Follow up with the hiring manager after submitting your resume. According to a survey by our company, 86 percent of executives said job seekers should contact a hiring manager within two weeks of sending a resume and cover letter. Yet few candidates do.
- You don't network. The simple truth is that networking is the most effective way to find a new job. A referral from someone you know is likely to land you an interview with a prospective employer or, at the very least, move your resume to the top of the consideration pile.
- You haven't registered with a staffing firm. Registering with a staffing firm can dramatically increase the size of your network. The professionals who work for these companies have contacts throughout their industries and often know of job openings that are not being actively promoted.

Looking

2010-08-17T09:00:00Z

Small children and people you don't know at a class reunion are a hoot to lie to. It's funny because even if they start to suspect something isn't quite right, they don't know enough about you to challenge it. For instance I have convinced children that I'm an actual pirate and the Niagara is really my ship. The class reunion is a little more difficult but equally rewarding. What's required is that you're a guest at at least a 20-year reunion of a school you never went to and don't know anyone except the person you went with. She can prime the pump by saying to acquaintances, "You remember George? He transferred here our junior year." Then when she goes off to dance or whatever, you can make up outrageous stories about those crazy hijinks you were involved with way back when. "Remember when they found a goat in the school? That was me...I did that!" At least one or two of them will be like me and fake a hazy, faded memory of something they're unsure of. If you want to take it to a creepy level, lean in and whisper to a woman, "I'll never forget that time at Don's party. Whew!" Not that I've ever done that.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-16T16:00:00Z

Health Myths

2010-08-16T09:00:00Z

These are from the "British Medical Journal:"

- You should drink at least eight glasses of water a day -- This advice, often found in the popular press, probably originated from advice given in 1945 stating that a suitable allowance of water per day for adults is 2.5 liters (which is 10.14 cups). The statement also added that most of this quantity is found in food! Remember, drinking too much water can actually be harmful, resulting in water intoxication, hyponatraemia and even death.
- We use only 10 percent of our brains -- Erroneously credited to Albert Einstein, this myth is cited by everyone from physicians to comedians. But they're wrong! MRI and PET scans show that there are no dormant, inactive areas of the brain. Detailed probing of the brain has never revealed the non-functioning 90 percent.
- Fingernails and hair grow after death -- Johnny Carson even perpetuated this myth when he joked, "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off." Forensic anthropologist William Maples told the British Medical Journal, "It is a powerful, disturbing image, but it is pure moonshine. No such thing occurs." However, there is a biological basis for the myth. After death, the skin around the hair or nails can retract, giving the impression that the nails or hair have grown when in fact the contrasting soft tissues just shrink.
- Shaved hair grows back faster, coarser and darker -- Clinical trials conducted as long as 80 years ago show that shaving has no effect on hair growth. More recent research proves that shaving doesn't affect the thickness or rate of hair growth. Because shaved hair lacks the fine taper seen on the ends of unshaven hair, it can appear to be more coarse. In addition, new hair hasn't been lightened by the sun, so it seems to be darker than existing hair.
- Reading in dim light ruins your eyesight -- Moms have long maintained that children who try to postpone bedtime by reading under the covers with a flashlight will need glasses. That's not true. Poor lighting can make it seem as if your eyes can't focus and it makes them feel dryer, but in fact such light won't permanently harm your eyesight or damage the function or structure of the eyes. Any discomfort or strain is only temporary.
- Eating turkey makes you drowsy -- Scientific studies do show that tryptophan, which is an amino acid present in turkey, is involved in sleep and mood control and can cause drowsiness. However, turkey doesn't contain enough tryptophan to knock you out. Bet you didn't know this: Turkey, chicken and ground beef contain nearly equivalent amounts of tryptophan, while pork and cheese have more than turkey! If you're sleepy after eating turkey, chances are you ate a lot more than just the meat. Any large meal can make you sleepy -- with or without turkey.
- Mobile phones are dangerous in hospitals -- Hospitals may be plastered with warning signs against using cell phones, but not a single death can be attributed to such use. However, less serious incidents causing false alarms on monitors, malfunctions in infusion pumps and incorrect readings on cardiac monitors, have occasionally been reported.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-13T16:00:00Z

Expecting one thing and finding out it's something completely different is quite jarring to your senses. For example, in Greece I once purchased what appeared to be a jelly-filled donut from a street vendor. I bit into it to discover it was filled with meat. I was a vegetarian at the time. I think it was horse meat. Another time when I went to the bathroom, "friends" of mine replaced the Guinness in my mug with cold coffee. Yick! And finally there's a problem I have here at work. Jessica sometimes wears flip-flops in the summer and that's cool because I feel like the mouse and she's the cat with a bell around her neck. She can't sneak up on me. I hear the thup-thup-thup long before she gets to my door. One day I heard her coming and I turned around to tell her something and she was a guy. Okay, she wasn't a guy; it was Woody, a co-worker who also wears flip-flops once in a while. But trust me, expecting a female but getting a guy is even more jarring than anticipating the stouty goodness of Guinness and throwing stale Maxwell House in your mouth instead.

Wanna Get Dumped?

2010-08-13T09:00:00Z

"Cosmo" says be one of these girls:

- The Dryer Sheet -- She clings to her guy so tightly that no matter where he goes or who he's with he can't shake her loose.
- The Nutcase -- She heavily flirts with dudes in front of her guy to rile him up and likes screaming at him in public for things like making her go home after she passed out at the bar.
- The Full Discloser -- She tells her beau about her menstrual cycle, the eating habits of her three cats, and how many guys she's slept with since losing her virginity at 17 and a half.
- The Drama Queen -- She constantly tests her beau by threatening to break up with him. Then when he tries to dump her, she has a meltdown in the middle of the restaurant.
- The Timekeeper -- There's never enough "our time" for her; she pouts when her guy is with friends or works overtime.

Thinking About Making A Baby?

2010-08-12T09:00:00Z

Don't do anything until you take these tests. They've been floating around the internet for years now and they may seem like a joke, but if you're already a parent you know they're true:

- Mess test -- Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in a wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
- Toy test -- Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake the little ones at night).
- Grocery store test -- Borrow one or two small goats and take them grocery shopping with you. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
- Dressing test -- Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
- Feeding test -- Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Tie jug to ceiling fan blade. Turn fan on. Try to insert spoonfuls of oatmeal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
- Night test -- Fill a small cloth bag with about 10 pounds of sand. Soak the bag in warm water. At 8pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4am. Set alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- Physical test -- (women) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
- Physical test -- (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and do the same. On the way home purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-11T17:00:00Z

No matter whom he is or what he's like, every guy can picture himself as the tough guy in the movie. You know the hero who barely grimaces as the hot female doctor stitches up his wounds with a needle and thread. I first learned that I wasn't that guy back in high school when I sliced open my toe and my family doctor's hot daughter was assisting him in the examination room. I wasn't about to let her see me show any pain but when he started lacing up my gash I started dripping sweat and making noises somewhere between and injured dog and a whimpering child. My next shot at tough guy came a few years ago when two very attractive women were administering an EMG. That's a test of your nerves and muscles that involves sticking fine needles in different places...in my case, up and down my arm...and then sending electricity through 'em. I can handle one needle, such as when donating blood, but a bunch of them make me tense up a little. More than that, I hate getting shocked. But for some reason I felt I could be the tough guy this time around. Wrong. The first little bit of juice that came through launched me off the table like a Frankenstein experiment gone horribly wrong. I swear I heard stifled laughter. Anyway I go back tomorrow for another round so I hope some nerdy guy will be in charge. No wait a minute...maybe that's worse. Never mind. Wow. I'm already whining about it.

Dealing With A Smooth Talker?

2010-08-11T09:00:00Z

These are some of the signs that a guy is just looking for a hookup, according to "Cosmo":

- He treats you like one of the guys -- If he's making explicit comments or telling raunchy jokes, he could be testing whether you're willing to connect on a sexual level. Thus, he may not plan on working to reach boyfriend status.
- He's charming -- repeatedly. A guy who retells anecdotes or gives you the same compliments as he did on your last date could be on autopilot. That connection you thought you made may be an act he uses to get chicks into bed.
- You don't bond in person -- Electronic communication is a way of life, but a man who's looking to date will call you and have meaningful conversations face-to-face too.
- You usually stay in -- Chilling on the couch may seem sweet, but be suspicious if he's not taking you out. Being seen with you could ward off other women, so if you two don't socialize in public, it may be that he doesn't want to seem taken.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-10T17:00:00Z

I have a bad habit of giving it away when other people are getting paid for it. That's true with a number of things (hmmm) but I got to thinking about it this past weekend when I was talking with a guy who has started deejaying weddings and parties. I was a little shocked with how much he said some of the established guys were charging. That's probably because of what I was making in my short career as a club deejay. Okay, it wasn't a career. It was a part time job at a bar in Corning when I had just graduated from college. Granted, that was (ahem) a few years ago, but these guys today are making hundreds and hundreds of dollars depending on the gig. When I was doing it I thought I had really lucked out. Not only could I play all the music from that super-cool, raised DJ booth in the most popular bar in town but I had control of an extensive light show (including a strobe!), full access BEHIND the bar where I could help myself to anything I wanted AND...they were giving me 15-dollars each night on top of all that!! I know...pretty sweet. Either that or I give it up too easily.

Ewww...Did You Hear That?

2010-08-10T09:00:00Z

According to an online study by Trevor Cox, a professor of acoustic engineering at Salford University in England, these are the sounds that bother us the most:

- Vomiting.
- Microphone feedback. (You got that right.)
- Multiple babies crying. (One will do it.)
- Scraping of train wheels.
- Seesaw squeaking.
- Violin.
- Flatulence.
- One baby crying. (Told you so.)
- Soap opera argument.
- Electricity hum.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-09T16:00:00Z

It really is true that if your foot hurts, you'll quit feeling that pain if you accidentally hammer your thumb. It's also true that every time you think it can't get much worse you find out soon enough that it sure can. I've been dealing with back and neck issues for a number of years now and seeing a bunch of different doctors for tests and treatments. There's been MRI's and scans and x-rays and physical therapists and needles with electrical current and spinal shots and surgery so my question is this: Does anyone have a bowling ball I can drop on my foot?

Got Morals?

2010-08-09T09:00:00Z

Here's what "Glamour" found out Estrogen Americans:

- 89% of women say kissing another guy is cheating if you're in a relationship.
- 87% of married women have never had extramarital sex.
- 57% of women say that having a baby out of wedlock is OK.
- 49% will tell a store clerk if she forgets to charge them for an item.
- 37% of women claim they lie most to their parents or other family member.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-06T16:00:00Z

Men cannot see hair. I guess we're just hardwired that way. Women, on the other hand, can spot a stray hair from 50 paces, but guys...especially older ones...have no clue that there are tufts of hair sprouting from their ears and their eyebrows look like small rodents. I'm thinking of this right now because it's Dan Rice days and he was a clown. It's easy for me to make the jump from clowns to excess hair because a clown I used to run into had a lot of nose hair. It was especially noticeable because the white paint he used on his face would coat the hairs too. It's hard enough to talk to a clown right in front of your face but when you can't stop staring at his hairy, albino nostrils it's extremely uncomfortable. There's another guy I run into every few years and he has a tuft of hair growing on top of his nose near the tip. It makes you wonder if he ever looks in a mirror. I always have to check every time I see him and the last time I noticed he still hasn't found it. Is it just me or are you picturing Andy Rooney as a clown right now?

Your Ex And His/Her New Squeeze

2010-08-06T09:00:00Z

How do you handle that?According to Dating and Personals:

- Put a smile on your face and say hello. Introduce yourself, but make the conversation brief. This will take two minutes; you can fall apart right after. Be the adult and act gracious and pleasant - to both of them.
- Say a quick hello and make up an excuse that you're in a rush to meet someone. This will get you out of there fast and possibly make him/her wonder who you're meeting.
- If you're in the same place for a length of time, acknowledge him/her in the moment, but wait until his/her mate goes to the bathroom before you actually approach and say hello.
- If stopping to talk is too difficult, you can make eye contact with him/her and simply nod or wave. No one says you have to talk.
- If at any moment you feel like you are going to get upset, turn around and leave quietly. If you know you can't handle it - just go.

So Whadda Ya Think?

2010-08-05T09:00:00Z

"Family Circle" magazine surveyed 2500 adults asking them how they felt about various issues:

- Should a couple stay together for the children? 51% of the men said absolutely. 35% of the women said yes.
- What age should your children move out? 55% said once an adult child can afford to move out they should. 18% said their children can stay until they are 25. 14% said they should move out when they get married.
- 90% said they believe children should be allowed to pray in school. -- 76% believe it should be against the law to burn the American flag.
- 67% believed in fertility drugs are good because they help people have babies. 18% said fertility drugs are unnatural and should be outlawed.
- 78% said there should be a law banning the use of cell phones while driving.
- 94% believe that having metal detectors in schools is a good idea. 76% believe random drug testing should be allowed in high schools.
- 83% believe that spanking is an acceptable form of discipline.
- 36% said "living together" is never acceptable. 27% said cohabitation is fine, while 30% said it was up to the couple and it was not anyone else's business.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-04T16:00:00Z

People hate bees...and by people I mean me. Okay, actually I only hate the bees when they sting me. Why can't we just get along? I got stung a couple of weeks ago while riding my motorcycle. It hit me on the inside of my left elbow and I looked down to see what it was just as the stinger went in. Youch! And then you've got to endure the burning. Of course, that wasn't as bad as the yellow jacket I caught with my mouth a few years ago. As I attempted to quickly spit it out, it got me on the inside of my lip. (I know. Smart bikers keep their mouths shut.) Speaking of smart...about 8 years ago I was out in my yard trimming a shrub near a tree at the corner of my house. I kept hearing a "zzzz-zzzz-zzzz" noise and figured it must be personal watercraft down on the lake. At least that's what I thought until I finally looked behind me and was startled to see a giant wasp nest right next to my head. That thing was a good two feet high and I had never noticed them working on it. Fortunately the fight or flight reaction was the correct one and I got away without being stung. But the worst bee story doesn't even involve an actual bee. I was at a medical center laying on my stomach in one of those lovely hospital gowns. That's right...I was showing off my good side. As they prepared to shove a big needle into my spine to squirt in dye, they tilted the table so my head was lower than my feet and told me to relax. You know, I could have at least tried to relax if they had left it at that, but this sadistic doctor then said, "It'll just feel like a bee sting." NOTE TO ALL DOCTORS: Don't say that. People hate bees.

Things You Shouldn't Do

2010-08-04T09:00:00Z

This is according to "Cosmopolitan," so you know it's gospel:

- Not filing your taxes -- Forget trying to pull a fast one on Uncle Sam.
- Blowing a date off without warning -- In this age of cell phones, beepers and e-mail, there's no excuse for standing him up.
- Breaking a promise to your boss -- Never say the words "I do" to the head honcho and fizzle on your follow-through.
- Bailing on a friend in crisis -- No one wants to play therapist 24 hours a day, but if your pal is in genuine pain, the least you can do is lend an ear.
- Not sending a condolence card -- It only takes three seconds to extend your sympathy when a friend loses a loved one.
- Copping out on the break-up talk -- If you've been dating for more than a couple of months the least he deserves is the "it's not you, it's me" conversation.
- Avoiding questions about your sexual history -- If you plan to get hot-and-heavy with a new man, he deserves to know if you have a clean bill of health.

Things I've Learned

2010-08-03T16:00:00Z

Tragedy can bring out the best and worst in people. Yesterday around 4pm a large, loud white guy came into the establishment I had stopped at on the way home. He began ranting about the Elizabeth Niemiec abduction and murder and how "they just found her body about an hour ago." I already knew she had been found that morning so it was instantly apparent this guy didn't know what he was taking about. He tried to make it sound like he was being constructive and was going to as many places as he could "to get the word out." The "word" was a general description of the black guy he claimed the cops were still searching for. (The description he was sharing wasn't even close.) The fact was that they already had the suspect in custody; he had confessed and led them to the body. What this guy was actually doing was using this crime as an excuse to loudly share his racist hatred. It was ugly. The monsters who commit crimes like this come in all colors. I even said to the bartender, "This is how drunken mob lynchings used to get started." I got up and left. As I passed this idiot he looked at me and said, "Be careful brother." I said, "I'm not your brother." That was the worst. The best is the call I got this morning from some people who had already organized a benefit to help Elizabeth's family with the funeral costs. It's happening this Friday at 5:30 at Odis 12 Bar and Grill at 664 W. 26th St. They're planning a Chinese auction and accepting donations with all the money going to the family. If you want to donate items for the auction you can call Joe Herman at 323-6183.

Lets Talk About Your Makeup

2010-08-03T09:00:00Z

According to scientists in Australia, every year, the average woman absorbs about 4.4 pounds of chemicals into her body because of her makeup.

- On the average day, between face creams, base, lipstick, eye shadow, hair spray and everything else, a woman can apply as many as 175 chemical compounds to their skin and hair.
- The good news: In theory, all of those chemicals are actually safe. The bad news: That's not 100% guaranteed.
- There's a group of preservatives called parabens that are in about 99% of leave-on cosmetics and 77% of rise-off ones... and some experts think they're hormone disruptors.
- What that means: they can mimic estrogen... and, too much estrogen has been linked to a higher chance of breast cancer. They can also have a negative effect on male reproductive functions... but since men (who aren't Adam Lambert) don't wear makeup, it's not as much of a problem.

The researchers also found that the average woman inadvertently eats five lipstick tubes a year... which, over the course of her life, is the equivalent of about six pounds of pure lard. (Courier Mail)

Things I've Learned

2010-08-02T15:00:00Z

Many of the most interesting or funny things I come across I can't use on the air. Last week a friend of mine told me how she let a guy she works with borrow a couple of movies that she and her husband had. That guy then lent them to another woman who works at the same place. She and her adult daughter watched one of the movies and then opened the case to the other one to watch that and they were shocked to find the movie, "*** ****ing ****s." (Feel free to use your imagination at this point. FYI, there's a bit of alliteration with the last two words.) When my friend got to that point in the story I said, "Oh my God, do you think he put a dirty movie in there on purpose to mess with her?" As her face reddened, she said, "He never watched that one. It was one of ours." I was howling and as usual, when a friend shares something like that with me it's quickly followed up with, "I'd better not hear this on the radio." Don't worry, buddy. I didn't share it...on the radio.

Conflict

2010-08-02T09:00:00Z

(PicktheBrain) How do you deal with it? Here are seven ways:

- Stay calm -- It's not always easy to stay calm when you're having a disagreement with someone, but if you can remain calm. . . the other person should calm down a lot faster.
- Let them do the talking -- Just chill out and let them spill out whatever it is they have to say. They'll get tired of talking eventually. Sometimes all they're looking for is someone to listen to them.
- Consider what they're saying -- Even if what they're saying is completely ridiculous, put yourself in their shoes. Never say, "You're wrong".
- Let them know you hear them -- Tell them that you understand what they're saying to you. It's possible that all they want is to be validated.
- Don't let them verbally abuse you -- If the conversation comes to this... put an immediate STOP to it. Tell them they're getting into a shady area... and you'll talk to them when they calm down.
- Take responsibility if you're wrong -- If you know you're wrong... let them know that you made some mistakes... and you'll do whatever it takes to fix it.
- Visualize them in a good setting -- This might seem a little weird, but if you deal with them on a daily basis... start visualizing them in a nicer setting... like playing at the park with their kids. It'll be easier to handle them.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-30T16:00:00Z

Sometimes people will move things just to mess with your head. I had an old girl friend, Michele, who was an actress on Broadway and when I was in New York visiting her, I'd have to kill two or three hours everyday while she was working. (You can only watch the same musical so many times.) Wandering around one day I found an Irish pub just off Broadway that sold Guinness at a reasonable price (by Big Apple standards) so I spent some quality time there. Years later I was back in New York for New Years Eve 2000 so I went looking for the place. It was gone. The whole block was gone...demolished. I was bummed but a short while later I saw an Irish pub down a side street and went there. I kept getting a weird déjà vu feeling and told the bartender the place reminded me a lot of the other place I used to go. He said, "There's a reason for that. This is that bar. We had to move the whole thing when they bought out our block." Something similar happened here. I always used to fill up with gas at the Arco at 12 and Peninsula. I pulled in one day, got off my bike and turned to grab the nozzle before I noticed all the pumps were gone. Funny...they were there when I filled up the week before. That was weird...but not as weird as the time I got back from vacation and my place of employment was gone. When I first came to Erie I worked at the original Jet radio, which was on the AM band. When I got back from that vacation and got within range I punched my preset for Jet and some other station came on. It turned out that while I was gone they had purchased an FM frequency and moved Jet over there. Maybe they were hoping I wouldn't find it. Ha! I showed them.

Self Conscious?

2010-07-30T09:00:00Z

According to "Fitness" magazine, nearly 25% of women admit they have avoided intimacy at one time or another because they felt uncomfortable with how their body looked. Also:

- If given the hypothetical choice of losing their jobs or gaining 75 pounds, 54% of men and 58% of women would rather be standing in the unemployment line.
- Would you rather be thin and poor or overweight and rich as all get out? 63% of women and 55% of men opted for a skinny body and a lean checkbook.
- 75% of men and 80% of women would not give up 20 IQ points to get the perfect body. However, 17% of men and 11% of women would at least consider such a tradeoff; of those, 7% of men and 5% of women admit they would do it in a heartbeat.
- 27% of women say they'd rather get their wisdom teeth pulled than shop for a swimsuit.
- What's the one body part we most want to change? That would be the abdominal muscles for 36% of women and 48% of men.
- The body parts we most like? For 42% of men and 27% of women it's their arms, while 24% of women and 12% of men say it's their derrieres.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-29T17:00:00Z

Birds of a feather seek each other out. I walked into the Plymouth yesterday after work and one of the waitresses immediately quizzed me. She had a disagreement with another waitress about how that girl asked diners if everything was okay. So as soon as I got there she said, "If a waitress brought you your food and said, 'Did everything come out all right,' how would you respond? I said, "I'm afraid I won't know that for a while...probably tomorrow morning." She practically yelled, "Thank you!" I have some weird friends.

Looks Like You Were Wrong, Ladies!

2010-07-29T09:00:00Z

According to "Men's Health," these are what guys cited as the most important physical traits a woman can possess:

- Pretty face: 39%
- Sweet smile: 18%
- Nice butt: 16%
- Flat stomach: 8%
- Forever-long legs: 5%
- Large breasts: 4%
- Beautiful hair: 3%
- Other: 6%

(Um, what exactly is "other?")

Things I've Learned

2010-07-28T16:00:00Z

Life flows full circle. When Levi was still a kid...I can't remember his age but it was surprisingly young...he figured out I have the memory of a gnat. We were at the mall and I ran into someone I knew. She said, "Oh, is this Levi?" and I was like, "Yeah. Yeah, that's Levi." After we chatted for a few minutes Levi and I started walking and he said, "Daddy, you couldn't remember her name could you?" Surprised, I said, "That's right. How did you know?" He said, "If you remembered her name you would have introduced her to me." I was impressed...and I quickly followed up with, "And don't forget that." Fast forward to this year's Roar On The Shore. I stopped in the Plymouth after all the bikes came down in the parade and saw a couple I knew sitting in one of the booths. Levi was working that day and he came up and said something to me while I was chatting with them. I could see they were wondering, so I said, "Yep. That's my son." They expressed the usual surprise that he was all grown up and then we settled into a moment of uncomfortable silence. Apparently I never told Levi he's free to say something like, "Dad doesn't have any social skills. It's nice to meet you...what's your names?" (Actually, I remembered the wife's name but for some reason I was drawing a blank on the husband.) Levi just said, "I'd better get back to work." A short while later I ran into a woman I used to work with and we got to talking about how much things have changed. Levi was at a nearby table and I said, "You mean like that?" She said, "What?" I said, "That's Levi." He looked over as she said, "Oh my God, that's Levi?" Realizing I did it again, I was like, "Yep, yep, yep. That's the fruit of my loins." He just smiled and walked away shaking his head. Her name finally did come to me some time later...Jessica. How am I supposed to remember something like that?

A Rose By Any Other Name

2010-07-28T09:00:00Z

Ever notice how Jessica is always grumpy and in a bad mood and I'm always positive, upbeat and happy? Psychologist Dr. David Holmes of Britain's Manchester Metropolitan University claims people's personalities change to fit the name their parents gave them. (I think he might be wrong.)

- Top 10 happiest women's names (in order from one to ten): Judy, Stephanie, Linda, Pam, Pat, Fiona, Paula, Susan, Isobel, Vicky.
- Top 10 happiest men's names: Joshua, Jason, Matthew, Terry, Barry, Stan, Ian, CRAIG, Nigel, Christopher.
- Top 10 unhappiest women's names: Lynn, Charlotte, Tina, Amy, Tara, Sam, Alex, Tanya, JESSICA, Olivia.
- Top 10 unhappiest men's names: Ben, Andrew, Edward, Tim, Owen, Bob, Dennis, Ray, Alfie, Jeremy.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-27T17:00:00Z

If you don't have time to do something right, don't do it at all. I sure have learned that over the years. Why waste your time and others? And once you accept something like that as true, you always embrace it...no exceptions. Oh, I'm late for an appointment...gotta go.

Be Careful

2010-07-27T09:00:00Z

According to researchers at Carnegie Mellon University, more fatal car accidents occur at 2am than any other time of the day. The safest time to drive is 8am weekdays at the height of rush hour. Here's more:

- A cautious 82-year-old woman is more likely to die in a car crash than a risk-taking 16-year-old boy.
- But right behind those little old ladies are young male drivers, ages 16-23 who have fatality rates four times higher than average.
- New England is the safest region for all drivers.
- The safest passenger is a baby or toddler secured in a car seat during the morning rush hour.
- The safest vehicle is a school bus or van.
- The most dangerous vehicle is a motorcycle.
- The safest driving day is Wednesday.
- The most dangerous driving day is Saturday.
- The safest driving month is February.
- The deadliest driving month is October.
- The driver with the lowest risk of death is tied between someone who is 40 or 50 years old.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-26T17:00:00Z

People sure like to talk to motorcyclists. Usually they tie it in with the weather, "Good day to be riding, huh?" I'm never sure how to respond. I want to say, "Are you kidding? I got stuck in this sunny warmness by accident," but I usually just say, "Yep." I know weather is a common denominator people use to establish a connection with a stranger, but it's usually said in a way that's trying to indicate, "Yeah, I know that because I: A. Used to ride. B. Wished I rode. C. Like to think I have the spirit of a biker even though I'm more likely to go rogue by buying a PT Cruiser." I think its nice people are trying to establish a rapport, it's just that we hear that A LOT. Still, it's better than the people who decide you need to be told motorcycles can be dangerous. These are always people who clearly never swung a leg over anything more than a bicycle but they feel the need to solemnly tell you that you can get hurt riding a motorcycle "but it's usually the other guy's fault." Believe me; all bikers are aware that many if not most car drivers aren't really paying attention to their driving and those around them. They're in their little cocoons. But the people who bring this up present it like it's a revelation to you and perhaps even expect you to thank them. To be honest, the really good bikers consider any mishap their own mistake on some level. It may well be the other driver's fault according to the law, but that doesn't help your broken leg and ribs or bring back your life. Ultimately we have to take partial blame for not recognizing and reacting fast enough to an impending problem in order to prevent or avoid it. Once you have that mind set you're more likely to live to be an old biker. Perhaps the people who feel they need to warn you are actually trying to say they think you're an idiot. It's like me walking up to a stranger and saying, "Yeah. You know the sun is great and I like to look at it once in a while, but if you stare non-stop you can go blind. Yep, I just thought you should know that." Thanks.

What Group Are You In?

2010-07-26T09:00:00Z

According to Careerbuilder.com:

Firstborn:

Personality: Firstborns are ambitious, assertive, dominant and disciplined compared with their younger siblings. They're determined to succeed yet fearful of losing position and rank, and are defensive about errors and mistakes.
Compensation: A recent survey by CareerBuilder.com found that workers who were the firstborn child in their families were more likely to earn $100,000 or more annually compared with their siblings.
Professions: The oldest tend to pursue vocations that require higher education, like medicine, engineering or law. Ohio State University researchers found firstborn children were more likely to pursue "intellectual" jobs.

Middle:

Personality: Middle children are good at negotiation, peacemaking and compromise. They are easygoing and diplomatic and are usually closer to friends than family.
Compensation: More middle children identified themselves as earning $35,000 or less per year than firstborn or youngest children, according to the CareerBuilder.com survey.
Professions: Middles tend to have excellent negotiating and people skills -- anything that employs these skills is a great fit.

Youngest:

Personality: Youngest children love the limelight and are used to sitting in it. They are charming and creative, have a good sense of humor and manipulate others when they want to get their way.
Compensation: Last borns were the least likely to report earning six figures, according to the CareerBuilder.com survey.
Professions: Youngest children often gravitate toward artistic and outdoor jobs, according to the OSU survey. They're also successful in journalism, advertising, sales and athletics.

Only children: Only children are similar to firstborns in that they are motivated to conform to parental expectations. They are also achievement-oriented and successful in school and have problems delegating work. Research shows they are more confident, articulate and imaginative than other children. They also hate criticism and tend to be perfectionists.

Twins: Because of their equal status in terms of their age -- and, if they're identical, their genes -- twins are usually treated the same and turn out similarly. They tend to have different personalities and interests, but are closer to each other than other siblings and tend to have less conflict with each other than other siblings.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-23T16:00:00Z

I understand the importance of zoos in helping to breed endangered species and as small zoos go, Erie has a very good one. But I also feel bad for some of the species...like gorillas. They're an animal that seems to like their privacy...they don't bother you if you don't bother them...and they're intelligent. My heart broke at a zoo in Germany where there was a nice glass-enclosed circular, outdoor display area for the gorillas. There was lots of room and it was designed to look like natural habitat, but the lone male gorilla inside sat with his back to the glass and would periodically look over his shoulder as if to say, quit staring at me! If people got right up against the glass he would suddenly bolt straight at them, fling himself into the air and pound the glass inches away from them with his hands and feet. I'm not sure if he was doing to that shoo them away or just because it had to be fun to scare the crap out of the tourists. What stuck with me, though, was the feeling that this proud creature just wanted everyone to stop staring.

So...have you ever seen our studio in the Boston Store window?

Are You Rude?

2010-07-23T09:00:00Z

John Hopkins University came up with this list of the top rude behaviors:

- Using cell phones or text messaging in mid-conversation.
- Erratic/aggressive driving that endangers others.
- Taking credit for someone else's work.
- Treating service providers as inferiors.
- Jokes or remarks that mock another's race/gender/age/sexual preference or religion.
- Children who behave aggressively or who bully others.
- Littering (including trash, spitting, pet waste.)
- Misuse of handicapped privileges.
- Smoking in non-smoking places or smoking in front of non-smokers without asking.

Wanna Drink?

2010-07-22T09:00:00Z

According to "Men's Health," this is the breakdown of what Americans drink daily:

- 72% bottled water.
- 62% soft drinks.
- 61% milk.
- 61% coffee.
- 51% fruit juices.
- 31% black tea.
- 17% vegetable juices.
- 15% green tea.
- 14% beer.
- 10% cocktails or hard liquor.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-21T16:00:00Z

Doing things the "right way" has never come naturally for me. But I think that when it comes to quitting smoking, you've got to find what works for you. My way isn't recommended, but I thought I'd share it with you anyway. I didn't start smoking (cigarettes) until I was old enough to know better. I was out of college and someone had left a half pack at my apartment. I was bored and decided to find out what the big deal was. I lit one and was surprised to experience that little head rush a new smoker gets. I've always been rather quick to embrace new vices so when I found myself in a convenience store a few days later, standing in front of a cigarette display, I knew that if I bought a pack I'd be hooked. That's the first time my smoker's logic kicked in, "aw, you'll be fine. You can quit whenever you want to." I smoked ALOT for the next 20-some years until my doctor said I had developed emphysema. Now I get winded by just thinking hard. I tried the patch twice but it seems to me they're a bad approach because they fool you into feeling like you quit when you haven't gone through any real withdrawal yet. You're already past your strong determination phase when the nicotine dosage goes down so it's easier to go back. People don't like to hear it but I really believe cold turkey is the best way. It's no fun, but there's a little thing you can do to help you get through it. Each time that urge hits you...and it's every few minutes at the beginning...you just have to remind yourself that it'll pass. You just have to tough it out through that one...and the thousands that will follow. All the while, remind yourself that your body is well on its way to cleaning itself out in the first three days. After that, it's more habit than physical urge. In other words, you're used to automatically lighting up when you wake up, when you drink coffee, etc. That's why you suck hard candy like a sugar-rushed kid at Halloween. It gives you something else to do instead of lighting up. What worked for me was doing it while I was on vacation. It's not a fun vacation, but when I don't feel well I want to be alone. You're easily irritated during withdrawal so it's better to not be around loved ones and co-workers. Now here's where my approach differs from "the experts." In fact, I'm sure they'd strongly advise against this, but it worked for me. I drank a lot! Everyone I tell that to says, "Oh, I couldn't do that! I want to smoke more when I'm drinking." I used to, too, but for some reason when I was determined to quit I didn't think about cigarettes as much when I was drinking. Plus, I ended up sleeping a lot more and the more time I spent unconscious the less time I had to spend fighting the urges. Despite whatever approach works for you, understand that you'll continue to think about smoking for a long time. I truly believe I'm done now forever but when I see someone smoking in a movie I find myself missing it and I haven't smoked for over 3 or 4 years now. Also understand that you're not likely to give it up for good in just one try. The first time going cold turkey I didn't smoke for two years. Ironically I started again during a vacation because I was bored...there wasn't even an overwhelming urge to light up again...I just missed it. The second time I went cold turkey I lasted two months before that 'ol smoker's logic kicked in again, "It's okay to start again, Craig...you already know you can quit now." I tell people I kinda cheated by getting emphysema 'cuz it's easier to quit when you have trouble just breathing, but the last time I quit I just suddenly felt I made it and established in my brain that I'm not going back. Anyone who says stuff like, "When I try to quit everyone tells me to start again because I turn into such a monster" is just making excuses. It's hard, it's uncomfortable and it takes time but it's not impossible and it's certainly not excruciating. Man up. Good luck. It's like giving yourself a big, fat raise.

Your Loved Ones Are Ignoring You

2010-07-21T09:00:00Z

At least when you call their cell phones. The most frequently ignored incoming calls are from loved ones. A British study came up with the top 10 reasons for not answering:

1. Did not hear the ring.
2. Driving.
3. Feeding a pet.
4. Unable to speak.
5. Busy in the bathroom.
6. Can't find the cell phone.
7. In a meeting.
8. Didn't recognize the number.
9. Not in the mood to answer.
10. Others might overhear.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-20T16:00:00Z

Most people don't understand poison ivy is an allergy and not "contagious." You'll only break out with it if you are allergic to poison ivy and you get the plant's sap on you. I believe that's about 7 or 8 out of every 10 people and it can be an allergic reaction you didn't always have. I used to brag how I never got poison ivy so that's probably why karma came after me with a vengeance about three years ago. The first time I broke out I didn't even know what it was and I went to my doctor. Now at the first itch I just go, "Oh crap." Unfortunately Warvel State Park is crawling with the stuff and I failed to notice a poison ivy plant had disguised itself inside a tall hedge I was trimming a week or so ago. I had no shirt on so the sap spread under both my arms and then I apparently smeared it on both my sides. The thing is...it's several days before you break out so the sap is long gone but people still look at your open, festering sores like they're poison ivy pools that might splash on them. After a remote appearance last weekend my co-worker Chris and I were tearing down our equipment and he said he could get the rest and it appeared that he was going to shake my hand. I went to shake his and he suddenly hesitated and pulled back slightly. I thought, "Oh, isn't that cute. He just tore down the tent and his hands are dirty so he didn't want to shake my hand." But he was staring at my arms and said, "Uh, I don't want to catch that." I said, "You can only get it from the plant's sap! I'm not contagious," and then I shook his hand. I turned and started walking toward my bike and stopped and yelled back, "No wait, you're right...you can get it from some one who has open sores. I forgot." I think people appreciate it when you give them something to think about. That's why I like to strike up a conversation with a stranger and tell them how I'm kinda bummed because I just got diagnosed with leprosy...then move a little closer. Ya gotta make yer own fun!

Your Body Is Telling You Something

2010-07-20T09:00:00Z

According to "Glamour," different cravings mean different things:

- Salty or greasy food -- It could mean you're slightly dehydrated. "Salt holds water in," says Glassman. "Your body may be trying to hang onto the fluids it's got." Aim for eight glasses of water a day.
- Candy or chocolate -- It could mean you need protein. Without its slow releasing energy, your body will try to get a quick fix to boost blood sugar. Try a cup of yogurt it has 24 percent of your daily protein total.
- Bread or pasta -- It could mean you don't eat enough. Starches are already partially broken down, so your body knows carbs will give it energy fast. Be sure to eat at least 1,200 calories a day.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-19T16:00:00Z

Don't be afraid of striking up a conversation with an older stranger. The stereotype, of course, is that it'll be a long-winded, repetitious lecture about how good you youngin's have it and how tough it used to be. That might be true in some cases but I believe I've found the key to finding the interesting ones. They all, without exception, have a mischievous twinkle in their eyes. This is coming to mind now because of a guy I hung out with for a little while over the weekend. Actually, he probably isn't much older than me but he had gray hair and that aura of having lived a lot of life...you know, weathered skin and a battered cowboy hat...and just one leg. And he definitely had that twinkle going. Perhaps you caught me talking about him on the show this morning. He's the guy I had mentioned a year or so ago after seeing him yank his fake leg off and put it on the bar at the Lakeside in Waterford. This weekend though, his daughter busted me when I sat down on the patio near them and informed Dad that this was the guy who had talked about his fake leg on the radio. That prompted the whole group of them to reminisce about other leg stories. You know you've stumbled on a fun group when someone says, "Hey what ever happened to your leg with the naked lady on it?" (He had gotten it airbrushed, like a tattoo.) Then there was the story about the group of college co-eds who took off with his leg, thinking it wasn't really being used by anyone...not to mention his plan to make an end table out of four of his older legs. (He's on his 5th.) I believe that twinkle comes from having a lifetime of experiences...and not all of them good...but always keeping a sense of humor about them. Trust me. Seek those people out. At the very least you'll be entertained and maybe you'll learn something.

Don't Give Your Guy $5,000

2010-07-19T08:30:00Z

"Stuff" magazine asked guys how they would blow $5,000 if they had to do it in just two hours. This is where they'd head:

- 38% said the nearest mall.
- 30% said a strip club.
- 19% said Home Depot.
- 13% said an airport.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-16T17:00:00Z

Apparently my first radio boss back in Corning was a head of his time. I thought of him today because I was just reading about research in Spain that indicated that when something upsets you go ahead and blow your stack because getting hot under the collar is good for you. Dean was really good at that. There were times when he was yelling at me that it seemed surreal and I couldn't hear anything that he was shouting at me a foot away because I was so focused on the large vein on the side of his reddened neck that looked like it might burst and spurt blood like a Quentin Tarantino movie. Among the many things I learned from that man was a strong work ethic. You were too afraid not to work long and hard. But he was unpredictable. For every time he exploded and went off on someone, there were just as many times he'd share a moment with an employee and make 'em feel special. Then you wanted to work hard for him just because you wanted to please him. You just weren't sure which you were going to get. Late one afternoon I heard him yelling from his office, "Warvel! Get in here right now!" I was convinced I was in trouble for something but then he added, "And bring two paper cups!" Huh? Now I was just confused. But I grabbed the cups, went in and he growled, "Shut the door!" I was back to convinced I was about to get a new orifice when he suddenly reached down, pulled a bottle of scotch out of his desk and filled up the paper cups. He said, "Craig, I worry about you sometimes. You never get angry. You never let it out. I do that all the time." I stammered, "Uh, yea...yeah, Dean, I know that." He continued, "I think it's good to let it all out. You feel better when you're done. It's unhealthy to keep it inside." We continued to chat and finished our paper cups full of scotch. Actually, we might have had another one, but I remember the "meeting" ending after I promised to try and be angrier. I do let it out once in a while, but I'm usually by myself. I do think you can hurt yourself by keeping things inside too much, but everything has to be balanced...otherwise, Mel Gibson would be the healthiest man on the planet.

Who Should You Date?

2010-07-16T09:00:00Z

"Cosmopolitan" says these guys look like a good catch...at first:

- Adrenaline Junkie -- This dude skydives, surfs, runs with the bulls anything for the rush. And he has the sick abs and chiseled arms to prove it. But to keep him happy, you need to be in perpetual motion, too. This guy does not like to sit on his butt and he doesn't like for you to sit on yours either. And it isn't just a phase. In his late 30s, he'll get into marathons, and they'll lead to triathlons and eventually to the Ironman competition. Yeah, that means a trip to Hawaii but instead of chilling on the beach, you'll be cheering him on from the sidelines. Having fun yet?
- Nice Guy With a Chip on His Shoulder -- He'll ridicule the "tools who are trying too hard" with bold clothing choices to seem down-to-earth, but here's his dirty little secret: He spends just as much time picking out his outfit as his more fashion-conscious counterparts do. Under the casual exterior is a calculating killjoy with mom issues. He'll stand at the bar, thinking 'Why is that girl going for that dude over there? One day, she'll come to her senses and get with a nice guy like me!' The truth is, he's so preoccupied with being overlooked that he'd be totally oblivious to your attention.
- Smooth Operator -- He's the type that rolls up to the club in an Escalade and holds court in the VIP section, ordering bottle service all night. Though he got Ds in high school, he now scores A, B, and C cups with entertaining small talk and name-dropping. Yeah, he's a Casanova in a skull cap, it replaced his trucker hat about a year ago. But this lid spells trouble. It takes confidence to pull it off with a straight face, too much confidence. There "is" such a thing. He'll shower you with attention, but beware: You may not be the only chick in that shower.
- Workaholic Hotshot -- This guy is always dressed to the nines, because he's loaded. Simmer down, the cash flow comes at a price. He toils until the wee hours, then loosens his tie and parties like there's no tomorrow. Unfortunately, there is tomorrow, and it starts in like three hours. What little time he has for you will be shared with his BlackBerry. The ugly truth: Money is the love of his life, and you're just a mistress or second mistress, since he's probably crunching more than numbers with his secretary.

Even Manly Men Cry

2010-07-15T09:00:00Z

But we're selective. Here's what a "Men's Health" online poll found out:

- 33% said the death of a pet will make them weep.
- 20% said that crying is for girls.
- 16% said the birth of a child will do it.
- 15% said being dumped.
- 8% said sad movies.
- 6% said physical pain. (Especially if it puts you in the fetal position.)
- 2% said weddings.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-14T16:00:00Z

So much of who we are is tied to things from the past. And if you're lucky, those things can be passed on to younger generations. Of course, my family is a little strange, so our things tend to be a little odd. My parents are preparing to sell their house and much of their belongings so they can move into an assisted living facility. A couple of weekends ago my sisters and I went home to collect anything we might like to keep in the family. One of the things now hanging on my living room wall is a tin map holder from my Grandpa Warvel's shop. I already had huge "Goodyear" and "Beechnut Chewing Tobacco" steel signs that used to be on the outside of the garage. Now they're reunited with the "Marathon Oil" map display. The cool thing about it is the maps are still in it...the oldest dates back to 1935. It's a hoot to look at an old map of Pennsylvania and there isn't a single four lane highway. No I-90, no I-79. It looks like route 20 used to be the major east/west corridor through here. I also brought back my old BB gun and that's hanging on the wall like a big game trophy rifle. Levi said, "Is that your BB gun from when you were a kid?" I said, "It's more than that. That's the very BB gun that your grandparents wouldn't let me get until I took a gun safety course...and then I shot my buddy, Lamont Carpenter's front tooth out with it." It's a great feeling to pass something important down to your child. Some day he'll proudly be telling his kids, "That's the very BB gun your irresponsible Grandpa used to shoot his best friend's tooth out with." And that, my friends, is how legends are born.

Guys, We've Been Thrown Under The Bus!

2010-07-14T09:00:00Z

"Stuff" magazine shared our secret turn-ons:

- He loves that you indulge at dinnertime. Guys love girls who love to eat -- not girls who say they aren't hungry and then pick at their date's food all night.
- He loves your occasional obscenities. You may worry that it's not ladylike, but occasionally letting a curse escape your lips at an unexpected moment can be a major turn-on. (Unless you swear like Jessica. Sometimes I'm not even sure if she's swearing.)
- He loves that you aren't a neat freak. Believe it or not, guys find the proliferation of hair products, accessories and unidentified stuff strewn about your apartment oddly sexy.
- He loves your extra padding. Sure, you've heard that men love women with curves, but how about those extra pounds you've been trying to sweat off at the gym? There's a good chance that your guy loves them, too.
- He's fascinated by your knowledge of medieval tapestries. Or whatever it is that gets you all hot and bothered -- whether or not he shares the same interests.
- He loves a good head rub from you. Don't get me wrong -- men love it when you grope their erogenous zones. But that's not the only type of touch they crave.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-13T17:00:00Z

It really doesn't take much to make a big difference in someone else's life. I'm thinking of our friend, Joanie. If you've heard us do the birthday wishes in the morning you've probably noticed someone named Joanie has a ton of relatives. She does. Joanie is a special person. She's sixty-something and lives with her 90-something parents. At the beginning of each month she gives me a list of all the birthdays in her family that month ranging from her parents down to great nieces and nephews...oh, and anniversary's, too. When she's giving them to me she rattles through 'em kind of fast and sometimes I don't understand if she said Julie or Judy. If I ask more than once she gets a little perturbed. If I forget to announce one, we get busted the next day. She gets a little upset but graciously accepts a belated shout-out. Each call ends with her asking me, "Will you tell Levi I said hi?" Then she asks Jessica to say hi to everyone in her life as well. Never mind that she hasn't met any of these people...she just doesn't want anyone to be left out. Joanie makes a difference in many people's lives because she doesn't just call us. She calls every jock at least once each day and at more than one radio station. Some of them don't have much patience and don't always take a moment to chat with her. I feel sorry for them. I've probably talked with Joanie just about every work day for well over 25 years. Sure, her timing isn't always the best and sometimes you're in a bad mood but it's a big part of her life...and it really doesn't take much.

Heading For Divorce?

2010-07-13T09:00:00Z

I'm not sure how they came up with these, but Thedailybeast.com released the circumstances that make it more likely:

- If you're a woman who got married before the age of eighteen.
- If you're a woman who wants a child -- either a first child or an additional child -- much more strongly than your spouse does.
- If you have two daughters.
- If you're a man with high basal testosterone.
- If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD.
- If you're a dancer or choreographer, or an animal trainer.
- If you are currently married but have cohabited with a lover other than your current spouse.
- If you didn't smile for photographs early in life.
- If your child has died after the twentieth week of pregnancy, during labor, or soon after labor.
- If you're a woman who has recently been diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis.
- If you're a woman and you're separated from your spouse.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-12T16:00:00Z

The things you have where you live become much more special the farther away you go. For instance, in upstate New York we drank Genny Cream Ale a lot. It wasn't because it was special. It was because it was cheap. People made fun of it and said things like, "Have you ever seen the Genesee River?" (It was a bit on the...um, murky side.) But when I was in western Ohio and dropped in on an old childhood friend, he decided it was time to celebrate and since it was a special occasion he bought some Genny Cream Ale. Apparently it's a delicacy over there. To be fair, it's not a bad beer, but we took it for granted. I thought perhaps that was an isolated incident but on the weekend of the 4th I went home to Corning, New York to visit my family. Driving down Market Street I went by my old favorite watering hole, which used to be called Wet Goods, so I found myself in some old stomping grounds and feeling like a stranger. I ordered up a Guinness and while sipping that I saw their list of beers they stock and was surprised to see Erie Brewing's Rail Bender was available. I told the kid bartending how I grew up in Corning but have lived in Erie for about 28 years and how it was cool to see they had Rail Bender in my hometown. That's when he said, "Yeah, we're expanding our list of exotic beers." I love Erie, but I can't say I've ever considered it exotic. Definitely weird, but not exotic. I briefly thought about regaling him with weird stories from the far away exotic land of Erie, PA but he already had that blank look younger people get when an older stranger is talking. Probably the same glazed look you're getting about now. Its okay, I'm done.

Hey, Did It Get Quieter?

2010-07-02T16:00:00Z

I'm off. At least that's what some people say. Oh, and I won't be back at work until Monday 7/12. Talk amongst yourselves.

Are You A Psycho Ex?

2010-07-02T09:00:00Z

"Cosmo" says these are the clues:

- When your ex asks for his stuff back, you say, "You know how to use eBay, right?"
- You've published a pamphlet to distribute to his future girlfriends entitled "What to Expect When You're Dating Scum."
- You continue to send his parents cards on special occasions.
- You daydream about your ex becoming quite successful and famous so one day you can go to the tabloids with all the embarrassing stuff you know about him.
- It's not uncommon for you to skip social engagements so you can stay home and cut up old photos of you and him.
- You've mapped out a new running route that takes you around his block eight times.
- He has a restraining order against you, as do his new girlfriend and his sister.
- While you were dating, he told you his password is always his dog's name - and now you use that info to check his e-mail in-box, voice messages, and what he's been buying from Amazon.com.
- You refer to him as "the force of evil."
- You send a picture of him with his address to the Department of Homeland Security, with no explanation.

Things I've Learned

2010-07-01T17:00:00Z

I used to think people were willing to get into a scuffle for me just because they didn't mind a little dust-up but now I think they conclude I'm incapable of protecting yourself. I first experienced this in my early teens. Each summer we'd go visit Grandma Warvel in Palestine, Ohio at the same time The Great Darke County Fair was going on in nearby Greenville. I was actually staying on the fairgrounds in a camper with my buddy, Richard. At some point that week, I met Loretta. We became an "item" or as much as you actually do at that age. One night while walking around the midway holding hands her previous boyfriend showed up and was not at all happy. He was a big, corn-fed Midwestern boy and apparently he was hard of hearing because he was talking loudly about two inches from my face. Okay, I think he was yelling because one doesn't normally spit that much by just talking loudly. Anyway, I was thinking I was about to start hurting when all of a sudden a small group of guys stepped in and told him if he wanted to fight, they'd be happy to. They were some of Richard's friends that I had only met in passing. Nice guys! The next time this phenomenon occurred was during my brief bartending career at the Waterford Hotel. I had just started dating one of the waitresses and her ex-lover and father of her children showed up. He was a guy who also thought punching another man was a good substitute for an intelligent conversation. At some point I went into the men's room and while I'm standing at the urinal he came in and started telling me I should stay away from her. I was politely pointing out that since he was married to someone else he really didn't have a say in her business when suddenly about 3 or 4 guys were milling around in there. I was getting irritated because I like a little peace and quiet when I'm in a bathroom and it was getting crowded. Well it turned out all those other guys saw him follow me in there and just showed up as back-up for me. Nice guys! Then it happened. Another night at the Hotel shortly before I would be closing for the night, a couple of guys and a woman came in and the biggest guy...the scary one with the scars...started telling me how he just got out of Rockview prison after six years. Oh boy. That's when one of my only two other customers asked me if I wanted HER to stay. Hey, she was a corrections officer at the prison in Cambridge Springs! She knew how to make people hit the floor fast. When I said sure, it would be nice if she stayed it had nothing to do with the fact that she was probably stronger and meaner than me.

Thank God For Maxim

2010-07-01T09:00:00Z

Without that fine publication we wouldn't know what to do if approached by a hot woman or a bear:

- Don't panic...with either a hot woman or a bear.
- Speak in a calm voice and wave arms so that you can be identified as a human with both a hot woman or a bear.
- Avoid making direct eye-contact with both a hot woman or a bear.
- Offer it food but only to the hot woman, never to a bear.
- If it charges, stand your ground and hit it with your backpack but only with a bear.
- If you anger it, cover your goodies and pray for mercy. Do this with both the hot woman and the bear.

Playing Well With Others

2010-06-30T09:00:00Z

Barbara and Allan Pease, authors of "Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes," have some advice that can help both sexes get a grip on what's going on and make a lasting love connection. Here's a test for the ladies. Do you agree with these statements about your relationships with men?

- Nagging will pay off in the long run -- No. Stop nagging and re-train him. Leave his dirty shorts and wet bath towel on the floor until he figures out they don't wash themselves. He's not stupid, only lazy.
- He should enjoy shopping as much as you do -- Never. Men find shopping stressful. But he can be trained if you go "hunting" for only one item. It's like bagging game. And keep shopping jaunts to 30 minutes or less with no browsing.
- Without a remote to channel surf, he's lost -- True. Accept this fact. If it drives you crazy, get another TV and snuggle down with your pet and a good tearjerker.
- They're stupid not to ask for directions -- Wrong. Incredibly, men have an innate ability to find their way without asking for help. But it can't hurt to keep a map in the car. If you're really lost, ask for a potty break and he can get directions without admitting he's up the creek without a paddle.

Guys how much do you know about women? See if you agree or disagree with these statements, then check out the Peases' tips for how you can get along better:

- She wants you to solve her problems -- Wrong. Instead of instructing and problem-solving, listen and be supportive. Believe it or not, women can, and do, figure out solutions to their difficulties. All they need is your support and a hug.
- Women have too many shoes -- Never. Accept it. There's no such thing as too many shoes. Stop counting and find something else to obsess about.
- Women make such a big deal over the toilet seat being up -- True. If you've never fallen into a toilet in the middle of the night, you won't understand why it's such a big deal. The perfect solution is his and hers toilets. If this can't be arranged, be gallant and put the seat down.
- They beat around the bush, instead of getting to the point -- True. Men and women communicate on different levels. You want her to get to the point, and she will -- eventually. Sit back, nod and agree, don't offer any solutions since you don't have a clue and give her a big smooch when she's done.

Things I've Learned

2010-06-29T16:00:00Z

Music is powerful. It can instantly put you in another time or place. It can make you happy. Or it can really bum you out. I was reminded of this yesterday at The Oasis. Someone actually played the Harry Chapin song, W-O-L-D.

(Okay...a history lesson. Harry Chapin was a folk singer in the 70's whose songs usually told a story. He didn't get a lot of airplay because they were usually quite long songs at a time when most popular music was only 2 or 3 minutes. He's probably best known for the hit, "Cat's In The Cradle." He died in a car accident in 1981 at the age of 38.)

The song, W-O-L-D, is sung from the perspective of the morning disc jockey on WOLD. I first heard it in college when I was working at our student station, WGBC. Chapin actually did a concert at our college and us radio geeks were thrilled when he changed the words and sang, "I am the morning DJ at WGBC." I knew the song was sad but I only realized a few years ago exactly how sad it was and how much I unfortunately related. This disc jockey is calling his ex-wife and telling her what he's been up to since he left her and the kids, claiming that maybe he could settle down if she'd take him back once more. But that's not the saddest part. The saddest part came a few years back when I heard the song out of the blue and it finally occurred to me that it was about being old...as in W-O-L-D. Duh! Then the chorus came up which was, "I am the morning DJ at W-O-L-D, playing all the hits for you wherever you may be. The bright good-morning voice who's heard but never seen, feeling all of forty-five going on fifteen." Depressing huh? But it becomes even more depressing when it suddenly occurs to you that your 45 was a few years back. And yesterday at The Oasis it occurred to me that that realization itself was a few years back. Ouch. I think I'll go listen to some Lady Gaga.

Nice Lips!

2010-06-29T09:00:00Z

"Women's Health" reports the average woman "eats" 4 to 9 pounds of lipstick in ther lifetime. That's somewhere between 481 and 1,083 tubes. Here's a quick history of lip stick:

- 3000 B.C. - Lip painting appeared as early as 5000 years ago, in Mesopotamia, where semi-precious jewels were crushed and applied to lips.
- 2500 B.C. - Makeup was a status symbol in ancient Egypt. Many wealthy women took at least 2 pots to their tombs.
- 1770 - British Parliament passed a law stating that women flaunting painted lips could be tried for practicing witchcraft.
- 1820 - Rumor has it that former first lady Dolley Madison wore rouged lips while doing household tasks such as churning ice cream.
- 1880 - Guerlain created the first lip color in stick form.
- 1930s - Before stricter laws were passed later this decade, many lipsticks were made with crushed insects, butter, and lard.
- 1938 - A survey of Depression era households found that 58% owned at least one tube of lipstick. 59% owned a jar of mustard.
- 1959 - In Connie Francis' song "Lipstick on Your Collar," the stain on her boyfriend's collar was red. She wore baby pink. Busted.
- 2004 - Wearing lipstick can get you arrested. Research found that marks left by long-wearing formulas contain DNA, and the FBI has obtained DNA from a used tube of lipstick.

Things I've Learned

2010-06-28T16:00:00Z

There are a great many questions in life that have no answer and maybe never will. Why do snack machines at work often fail to push your selection all the way out, but have never ever in the history of mankind accidentally given you an extra bag of chips or M&M's? Why do women's butts get bigger with age while men completely lose theirs? Why is that hot chick with the long blond hair in the pick-up truck in front of you actually your friend Lorie's husband? (Disconcerting to say the least.) Why do fiancés say things like, "No, go ahead and go out. I probably won't be home until tomorrow," and then be mad when you go out? I don't know. Perhaps our friend, comedian Sean Morey, put it best when he asked, "Why can't we just love our neighbors? Why must their husbands freak out?

Marriage Secrets

2010-06-28T09:00:00Z

These secrets were revealed to bachelors Matthew Boggs and Jason Miller, who traveled 12,000 miles around the U.S. to talk to couples they call the "Marriage Masters" -- people who had been married four decades or more. They shared these secrets for a long and happy marriage:

- Divorce? Never. Murder? Often! -- Translation: Commitment is king. Couples who stay married a lifetime enter their marriage with the mindset that divorce is not an option. So when arguments, disagreements and other issues arise, they learn to work them out and don't run away. The only deal breakers are the three A's: addiction, adultery and abuse.
- There's no such thing as a perfect marriage, only perfect moments -- It takes work to create a great marriage. As one wife said, "Whoever said being soul mates was going to be easy?" And her husband of 52 years added, "Marriage is a bed of roses -- thorns and all."
- Unpack the gunnysack -- Translation: Don't be afraid to fight. Say what is on your mind. It's the unexpressed frustrations that will cause more problems in the long run as they turn into resentments that will eat away at your marriage. Those who have been married for decades advise "unpack the gunnysack" by opening up the lines of communication.
- Never stop dating -- It's not just the quality of time you spend together; it's also the quantity that counts. Keep the romance burning by stoking the fire. Go out on dates, take getaway weekends and long vacations with just the two of you.
- Love is a four-letter word spelled give -- Be selfless. Marriage is not 50/50. It's 60/40. You give 60 and take 40. And that goes for both of you.
- Join the CMAT Club (Can't Miss A Thing) -- Life is short, so enjoy every minute of it. It's easy to get caught in the day-to-day busyness of life and in the process take your spouse for granted. Life is an adventure and all too soon it will end. So relish your sweetheart's presence now.
- The discipline of respect -- You can have respect without love, but you can't have love without respect. According to all those interviewed, the No. 1 secret for a thriving, everlasting marriage is respect. When you respect your partner and your partner respects you, everything else flows into place: trust, connection, authenticity and love.

Things I've Learned

2010-06-25T17:00:00Z

I hate mowing...always have. No, I take that back. There was a time when I couldn't wait to be old enough to mow because that meant I got to drive the tractor. However, when that happened I discovered the novelty wears off quickly. We always had big yards and being the only boy, somehow it became my responsibility. On top of that, my mother is one of those people who apparently can detect, from a distance, a quarter inch of growth on a grass blade and deduce that it needs mowed again. I don't have her gift so my grass has to grow a good 2 to 4 inches before it occurs to me that it really needs to be cut down. It was even worse when I first moved out to Warvel State Park. I was renting it then and all my big biker dude landlord could provide was an old push mower. As a result the yard was never completely mowed and parts of it would get really tall before I could get to it. But one day I came home and the whole thing was trimmed. It never looked better! I wasn't sure who mowed it, but I figured I had the best neighbors in the world. That weekend, though, I think I figured it out when people began showing up for the open house at my closest neighbor's place, which was up for sale. Unfortunately it sold quickly so I've had to mow my own grass for years now. I kinda feel like I have to keep my yard neater because the guy who bought the neighbor's house is a celebrity! I'm not the kind of guy to drop names though, so ...okay, its Santa...but that's another story.

Blonde or Brunette?

2010-06-25T09:00:00Z

According to an AskMen.com survey:

- More men are having one night stands with brunettes (59%) than blondes (41%) and more men would make a move on a brunette in a bar if he were given a choice between the two.
- More than 65% of men would rather spend their money on a romantic dinner for a brunette than a blonde.
- More than 87% of men said they have more intelligent conversations with brunettes than blondes and nearly 75% plan to marry a brunette, if they haven't already. Almost 80% of men would prefer to bring a brunette home to meet mom.
- Regardless of whether they are in bed with a blonde or brunette 75% of men prefer to wake up to a brunette (Meredith Vieira) as opposed to a blonde (Diane Sawyer).

Why's He Checking Out Other Chicks While You're With Him?

2010-06-24T08:30:00Z

Well, according to "Cosmopolitan":

- He may be using this classic guy trick: At first, he's intentionally obvious about ogling chicks. When you complain, he apologizes and "stops." But really, all he's done is gotten you to let down your guard so that you don't notice when he ogles in a subtle way. (Oh please. At the risk of losing my guy license I can assure you we don't put that much thought into it.)
- Scanning a girl doesn't mean he wants to be with her or cheat on you, so he forgets that you'd even care.
- You know how you reflexively look up when someone calls your name? Well, it's like that, but with boobs. (Okay, this one's true.)

Things I've Learned

2010-06-23T17:00:00Z

We've all had awkward moments and I used to think everyone pretty much handles them the same way. Not so. Years ago when I had just started working at a new radio station I was doing morning news and at 5am there were only 3 of us in the building. Maybe that's why I didn't lock the door to the men's room. I don't know, maybe I thought I had locked it. I don't know why I wouldn't have because it was a very small room with just a sink and a toilet. There wasn't even a divider between them. The toilet was about three feet from the door. So I'm sitting there with my pants around my ankles when the morning jock (who would later become my partner) opened the door. In that awkward split second I assumed he would do what I would have which would be either...scream...or quickly avert my eyes and mumble something like, oh, sorry, as I quickly turned around and walked away. Moments later I would pretend that it never happened. Not Frank. He stood there looking at me and said, "What are you doing, taking a sh**?" Normally I don't answer questions with painfully obvious answers but I got the distinct feeling that if I didn't confirm his suspicions he would stand there a while longer waiting for an answer. When I assured him that was, indeed, what I was doing he chuckled and left. And that, boys and girls, is how you learn to always lock the bathroom door.

Want People To Like You?

2010-06-23T09:00:00Z

You just have to be a charmer. "Ladies Home Journal" writer Margaret Renkl identified the five traits of charming people:

1. A Sense of Humor -- More important than poise or social ease, being funny attracts people like magnets. Make someone laugh, and you'll have an admirer. "Humor offers immense physiological and psychological benefits," Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff, a California psychologist who is the past president of the Association of Applied and Therapeutic Humor, explained to LHJ. "It reduces stress hormones, dulls physical pain and promotes social bonding." Not all funny people are charming, but they are original and originality is a primary element of charm.
2. Insight and Passion -- A charming person has a unique ability to be fully engaged in the moment. They tend to be highly intelligent, curious and creative. They are able to see disparate connections. They are filled with energy, life and exuberance--and these qualities are contagious. "People are attracted to Oprah partly because they trust her, but partly because they think some of her energy is going to rub off on them," Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, a professor of psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, told LHJ. "Charming people make other people feel more alive."
3. Effortless Social Grace -- Your mother called it poise. A poised person knows exactly what to do and what to say in every social situation, no matter how awkward or strange. Such a person projects self-confidence, which makes others feel comfortable. It's all about putting people at ease. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis was a master at this, whether she was enjoying a day on the beach or hosting a formal state dinner at the White House.
4. An Interest in Others -- A charming person is a sparkling conversationalist. When a charming person asks another, "How are you?" she really wants to know the answer. "Fine" isn't enough of a response. She asks about the other person's life. How are the children doing? Is your sick mother getting better? There is sincere, not feigned, interest. A charming person listens intently to the answers, giving her full attention. She makes her acquaintance feel treasured.
5. Curiosity About the World -- Being deeply curious about all things is a trait of charming people--from trying new foods to reading books to meeting people. They always want to know more, and that attitude is contagious in that it inspires in others a sensation of energy, deeper engagement and greater curiosity, Dr. Jamison explained to LHJ.

Things I've Learned

2010-06-22T17:00:00Z

There are plenty of things I still don't understand. A good example is people with more than one child. I may not the be the brightest guy in the world but after just one even I figured out that it had something to do with the Mommy/Daddy dance. You just have to dance more carefully. Sure, there are some reckless dancers out there but it's almost as if they're doing it on purpose. As soon as I figure out why, I'll let you know.

Why Is This Still Going On?

2010-06-22T09:00:00Z

Here's the skinny on working women from "Redbook":

- Women earn 78 cents to every dollar earned by men; African American women earn 71 cents, and Hispanic women earn 58 cents.
- Gendered wage disparity will cost women anywhere from $400,000 to $2 million over a lifetime in lost wages.
- If women earned the same as men, their annual family income would rise by about $4,000 and the poverty rate would be cut in half.

Things I've Learned

2010-06-21T16:00:00Z

It's time to help stimulate the economy and build America's future. That's right. The lemonade stands are back. This is one of the fun things you can do every summer. I got to thinking about this on Father's Day after I got treated to lunch at the White Turkey drive-in in Conneaut, Ohio, established in 1952. When I say I got treated I mean I treated myself. I was on my motorcycle heading west and somewhere between Conneaut and Ashtabula I saw an excited little girl and her mother carrying a small table out by the street. I'm assuming she was going to sell lemonade; they weren't there when I came back through. It's been my observation that lemonade stands have a short lifespan. To the young entrepreneur the reality of the tough economy becomes apparent in about 45 minutes. If she had still been there I definitely would have stopped. For one thing it's sad to see a child getting bummed that the world isn't beating a path to their business venture and its fun to watch their little eyes light up when they get a customer. It only takes a moment to make their day and give them a summer memory. Plus it's entertaining to mess with them and tell them you refuse to pay 50-cents and that they're going to have to accept a dollar or the deal is off. But most of all I do it because while the child is perfectly okay accepting money from and chatting up a strange man dressed in black leather, it's a blast to try and guess how long it will be before a nervous mother appears in the yard. Sometimes I haven't even gotten completely off the bike yet. It's like getting near a bird's nest this time of year and hearing a mother bird close by scolding you. Hmmm. Maybe I'm the reason the lemonade stands close up so quickly.

Lonely?

2010-06-21T09:00:00Z

An Australian study of 1,300 people over age 18 has shown that more than one-third of adults describe themselves as lonely, and people in their 40s suffer the most. Here's some interesting facts about who is lonely and who is not:

- People with strong religious beliefs are less likely to be lonely no matter their age. Women are more likely than men to have strong religious beliefs.
- Loneliness is more common in the unemployed.
- Being retired does not necessarily lead to loneliness.
- Poorer people tend be more lonely than those who are wealthier.
- Knowing a lot of people doesn't guard against loneliness. There is no link between how long someone lives in a community and how lonely he or she feels.

Things I've Learned

2010-06-18T17:00:00Z

Okay. I'm stuck on the scared of heights thing. Maybe it's because of the time I went up in the Red Baron bi-plane. I'm talking about those old fashioned planes with open cockpits. Back then I loved to fly so I jumped at the chance. I brought along a tape recorder so I could play the adventure back on the air. I was recording play-by-play through the whole flight trying to paint a picture so listeners would feel like they were there. At one point we're flying parallel to the peninsula at what seemed like about a foot above the water and suddenly he had us going straight up...and up...and up...until the engine seemed to stop and we flipped over and went screaming back down...and down...and down until the engine roared back to life and he pulled out just before we set a new bi-plane dive record in Lake Erie. The funny part was when I listened back to the tape to see how I could use it on air. There wasn't any useable part. I hadn't factored in the engine and wind noise. It was just a dull roar with me apparently mumbling in the far distant background. The one exception was near the end of the tape when the engine suddenly cut out. Unfortunately that was "unairable" too because all you could hear then was me screaming, "Oh Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudddggghhhh!" Except I didn't say fudge.

Dad Hates Ties

2010-06-18T09:00:00Z

(Glamour) Poor Dad. His big day's coming, and what's in store. Solar-powered ear-hair trimmer? A tie covered with golfing ducks? Try something a little more sentimental:

- Revisit Strawberry Fields. The Beatles, the Boss, Petula Clark. Buy him CD's of the artists he introduced you to as a kid. He'll be thrilled you remember his favorites.
- Make it art-felt. Go back to the days when all your gift-giving was taken care of in arts-and-crafts. Paint a new family heirloom and have it framed. Or roll it, tie with a ribbon and include a few refrigerator magnets.
- Go classic but personal. Pick out a money clip, a robe, PJs, socks, handkerchiefs, then get them monogrammed: D-A-D.
- How 'bout a handful of tuits from his favorite watering hole? I'm just sayin'.

Things I've Learned

2010-06-17T17:00:00Z

Every once in while you find yourself in such a bizarre or stupid situation you feel as if you're having an out of body experience. It's like you're looking at yourself and shouting about how stupid you are. If you want to experience that, just take a parachute jump...and not a tandem jump. Those are when you're strapped to an experienced skydiver and just going along for the ride. No, if you want the full out of body experience, do a static-line jump. That's when you're on your own and a cord attached to the plane automatically deploys your chute when you jump. You'll get the out of body experience the first time you climb out of the plane because you have nothing to compare it to. You're thousands of feet in the air and because an instructor told you to, you've just climbed out of a perfectly good airplane and you're hanging all alone on a wing strut. Outside the plane! That's when the shouting in your head starts. What are you doing out here?! This is insane! Are you crazy!? Then the instructor yells, "Go!" and you let go. Geez Louise...how did he get that power over your sanity? At that very moment you're snapped back into reality but your brain is still out of whack. Do you know why people falling automatically start kicking their feet and flailing their arms? It's because the closest thing the brain can connect that to is swimming. It doesn't work quite as well in thin air, though, so make sure you're paying attention during your instruction class. (Hmm, it just occurred to me. Apparently I did this before my paralyzing fear of heights kicked in. Or maybe that's why it kicked in.) Anyway, there you go. You've got this summer's assignment and you can write an essay about it this fall.

Listen To Dad

2010-06-17T09:00:00Z

"Glamour" says your father was right about these things:

1. You are the prettiest girl in the world.
2. Sinatra.
3. You should always keep jumper cables in your car... just in case.
4. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
5. That guy really wasn't good enough for you.
6. You do not need a pony.
7. The cardinal rule of grilling: Pressing down on the burger will only dry it out.
8. Yes, honey, all your male "friends" do secretly want more.
9. Paying $200 for a haircut is crazy.
10. It's not worth trying to repair the toaster yourself.

Things I've Learned

2010-06-16T17:00:00Z

If you don't use it, you lose it. That can be true of many things, but right now I'm thinking of equilibrium. In high school and college my buddy Doug and I were climbers. No major mountains or anything like that, but we spent a lot of time going up and down the cliffs of the many gorges in upstate New York. It wasn't the Grand Tetons but it was high enough for a death fall. (Or as one salty old climber from Germany put it, "same dead.") After Doug got married we quit climbing but it came as a big surprise to me when Levi, his step sister Heather and I were on our way to Niagara Falls. They were only about 7 or 8 and we got briefly stuck on one of those bridges about 3 gazillion feet above the river. I had never experienced a panic attack before so I wondered why I suddenly couldn't breathe and was gripping the Jeep's steering wheel like it was the only thing holding me up. It didn't help that Levi was yelling, "Dad! Look over the side! Look!" I couldn't. I was terrified. The same thing happened when they wanted to go up that needle thing to the lookout over the falls. They were pressed up against the glass walls of the elevators that ran up the outside of the needle while I had my back against the wall and was trying to convince myself that structures like these hardly ever fall over. When we got home after the vacation (taking a different route with a shorter bridge) I called Doug and told him what happened. It was a relief to hear that he, too, now had a fear of heights. Later I brought it up with a doctor and he explained that's not unusual when you grow older if you're not dealing with heights on a regular basis. So I guess there's no reason to feel like a sissy. I just haven't been up the Bicentennial Tower yet because I already know what the city and peninsula look like. That's all.

Father's Day Help

2010-06-16T09:00:00Z

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Okay. By the way, are you through with my 3/8" socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he would not have invented jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips. Forget the program, your entertainment is watching him have fun!

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink-they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea Again, no one knows why.

Rule #8: Never buy a man something and then tell him he should read the instructions because the box says "some assembly required." It will ruin his special day. He will always have parts left over.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, Lowe's, John Deere, Valley RV Center and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what the gift is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook (but they will barbecue). Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a New York Giants game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #7 (Remember what happens when he gets a label maker?)

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says "I love you" like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Things I've Learned

2010-06-15T16:00:00Z

You never forget that crush you had on a teacher...especially if it wasn't until college. My freshman year my roommate and I ended up in the same class for Psychology 101. Kids were filing in when one of them caught my eye. She was gorgeous with long brown hair and the most sensuous hands I've ever seen. I can't even explain it. I don't think I've ever really noticed hands before or since but hers were graceful. I punched Jerry in the arm and told him I was going to get to know that girl. But she wasn't a girl. She was Dr. Eva Gerringer, the professor. Over the years I took every course she offered. Jerry and I had a running joke every time the phone rang in our dorm. I'd say something like, "If that's Dr. Gerringer calling me again, tell her I said no, no matter how much she begs." One day he hissed, "It IS Dr. Gerringer." I ignored him. He hissed again, "Take the call. It's Dr. Gerringer!" I still didn't believe him so I grabbed the phone and said something intelligent like, "Yeah?" She said, "Hi Craig, its Dr. Gerringer. I'm sorry to bother you but I can't get you off my mind and I want to meet you for drinks and see where the night goes from there." Okay. She didn't say that. What she actually said was, "I'm sorry to bother you but do you know Donna from class? Would you be able to give her a ride when you visit patients this week at the Rochester Geriatric Center?" You've got to admit that's pretty easy to misinterpret. Anyway, I kept taking her classes right up through my senior year and the last semester when there was a giant rock on her beautiful left hand. It was a sad, but fitting end to the relationship she never knew we had.